Your dad might have a '64 911, a trophy wife, and a full head of dark hair, but we're betting he doesn't have a belt buckle carved from the tusk of a mammal gone extinct 4,000 years ago.

This Craftmasters of Nantucket woolly mammoth ivory and sterling silver buckle carved by master scrimshander David Smith is quite possibly the most MB accessory we've ever seen.

Get one before these mammoth de-extinction efforts come to life.

We haven't given Kato Kaelin a 2nd thought for nearly 30 years — about as long as our last post — but the draining of The Juice has thrust him back into the spotlight. And we're not gonna lie: we're impressed. He's practically the poster boy for artful dishevelment, a core MB principle.

In this interview on Court TV, it's unclear if he primped for this appearance, or just woke up from a nap; exactly the look we shoot for.

As Nick Nolte turned 83 in February, we may have found a worthy successor.

EARLIER:

• Dan Rather debating for 19 minutes and 42 seconds on whether to wear his trench collar up or down
• Ask the MB: Polo Shirt Buttoning Policy

We just learned that Allyn Scura, the official eyewear supplier of Magnificent Bastard, is closing down their vintage product line at the end of the year. Their collection of 60,000 vintage frames are being sold to a single buyer.

This is terrible news.

It means that staples like the Bolle 711s mountaineering sunglasses with sideshield, Carrera 5425s (Rober DeNiro in Casino), Cool-Ray Fast Back 420s (Frank Sinatra at the 1978 World Series), and Faosa Tampicos (Fidel Castro c. 1959) will be pulled from the site by midnight, December 31st.

We'd thought we'd already fully mined the depths of AS's vintage collection — and collected enough eyewear to last several generations of MB authors — but recently discovered these awesome Japanese fisherman frames that are just 39 bucks. Older readers can get ones with bifocals so you can thread a hook!

At some point we will have another Allyn Scura Eyewear Challenge, so please stay tuned. Meanwhile, get these vintage frames while you can.

Last week former Trump fixer Michael Cohen testified against his old boss in a civil trial, and under cross examination "appeared flustered" and "wobbled," leaving questions about how the star witness will perform under cross in the higher-profile (and criminal) porn star payoff trial.

The NYT reports: "One option for Ms. Hoffinger (the prosecutor from the Manhattan DA's office) would be to extensively prepare Mr. Cohen before the trial, which is scheduled to begin in late March, though it may be pushed to a later date."

Top prep tip: Have him not wear denim to court.

Normally we are in favor of dressing down a notch. In fact, in Paul Fussell's canon "Class" he describes taking The X Way Out, which is what we've been shooting for since reading the book 35 years ago. Regarding dress:

...X people tend to dress for themselves alone, which means they dress comfortably, and generally "down." One degree down will usually do the trick: if black tie is designated, an X person appears in a dark suit (of a distinctly unstylish, archaic cut) and a notable necktie. If suits are expected, he omits the tie. If "informal" is the proclaimed style, his jeans will be torn and patched, his cords very used, if not soiled. If others are wearing bathing suits, X people are likely to show up naked.

Cohen's dad jeans are about three or four degrees removed from X-person styling guidelines, the equivalent of showing up naked to black tie. The next case is in front of a jury. Ms. Hoffinger: Get your client within one degree of star witness designated attire and get him into a suit, and perhaps even consider adding a tie.

When the most exciting part of the 44th Ryder Cup was the hubbub around Patrick Cantlay not wearing a hat, you know it was a lopsided affair.

Was it because he was objecting to not getting paid to play?

Was it because, as Cantlay said, the hats don't fit his head?

Or, finally, as The Daily Mail reported this morning, was it because Cantlay is getting married today, and didn't want golfer's head?

No, no, and no.

Cantlay also didn't wear a hat at Whistling Straits in 2021, and presumably was not getting married then, too. Also, he's got no problem wearing hats at other team events (see President's Cup above), and adjustable baseball-style caps are not known to fit that differently.

It's because the hats are fucking ugly.

More specifically, it's the Team USA logo on the hats that's so fucking ugly. An inappropriately modern, excessively legible mark that looks like a mashup of NASA and DeLorean Motor Company.

Who can blame Pat Cantlay?

Our modest suggestion to The PGA of America Ryder Cup Committee for 2025: Stop trying so hard. Keep it simple. Use 100% fewer letters. Go with the flag. You already sell it in your shop.

A hat with an icon is just fine, thank you.

Q: Hey MBs:

What's your stance on headbands?

I play racket/paddle sports and have hair almost to my shoulders. To keep it out of the way, I wear a light, nylon, billed cap. A cap that gets soaked with sweat after every session. Wash, dry, repeat.

I've thought about going full Bjorn Borg but would rather not risk the forehead tan line. (Even with sunscreen.) Plus, no bangs.

But Jamie Tartt on Ted Lasso, and a lot of other pro footballers wear a thin hairband which seems to work well.

And yes, I've thought about a visor as well, which I may throw into the rotation.

Where do the MBs fall on the topic?

Thanks,

— Tim

A: The hairband veers far too close to a women's headband for our taste. How long until Jamie Tartt's hairband has leopard print?

Visors are for golf.

But we're huge headband fans and fully endorse your adoption of this look.

If you're worried about a white Borg Band across your forehead, you could push it up a little, JMac style. This would result in a tan line little worse than wearing a hat. Albeit rarely, Borg *did* raise his well above eyebrow level.

Tim, you didn't ask us this but we're going to answer it anyhow: Q: Where's a good place to buy headbands?

A: One of our favorite shops on the entire internet: The Golden Age of Tennis. There are a bunch of headband options, including a Fila reproduction of Borg's famous version that's just 17 bucks.

While you're there, you can go full Borg or McEnroe or member of WHAM! with killer shorts, shirts, track jackets, wristbands, etc. Highly recommended.

Editor's Note: None of the above advice applies while playing pickleball.

If memories serve, joggers started showing up on the PGA Tour ~2016.

Then, of course, hoodies had a breakout appearance at the 2021 Ryder Cup. (Though some players tucked them in because the wind blew them around in their faces. That's how fucking dumb hoodies are for golf.)

On Saturday at The Open, Jordan Spieth took loungewear separates to their inevitable conclusion: he combined them.

Don't get us wrong. We love occasionally being fully ensconced in jersey. But there are hundreds if not thousands of clubs across the country that would not allow you on the golf course if you showed up wearing Spieth's outfit. That's after mocking you for even trying.

Yet it's OK for Royal Liverpool and the Royal and Ancient.

It's past time for the R&A to adopt attire rules similar to those at The All England Club, except rather than, "suitable tennis attire that is almost entirely white," it can simply read, "suitable golf attire, and that sure AF obviously means no hoodies or sweatpants."

The only worthwhile thing here is exposed ankles.

Ron DeSantis has much bigger problems than being bad at campaigning, a bad voice, and bad at not being an unlikable dick.

Yes, we're talking about his footwear.

Of course there was last fall's comical white go-go boot show Photoshoppers used to turn Ron into a green M&M and an obese Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.

Over the 4th of July there was a new shoe incident at a New Hampshire parade. Standing here drenched, he looks to be wearing orthopedic coal miner boots for the vertically challenged.

They made his daughter cry.

We were so taken aback by these clodhoppers, we were wondering where a guy could even buy some. The closest we got was the Monster Boot collection at Halloween Express.

Can you locate these? The first reader to send a link to Ron's black boots will be sent a complimentary Minimum Viable Wallet with three straps of their choice. Send a note to editor@magnificentbastard.com.

This site launched in July 2007 with a feature article definitively stating that wearing Crocs was one of the Top 10 Ways to Look Like a Total Toolbag. Our rationale was simple: don't don the same footwear as your 5 year-old nephew.

Naturally sales only grew, and then spiked during the coronavirus pandemic. 1.1 million Americans died. Millions more started wearing ugly plastic clogs.

In what's surely not a coincidence, at the peak of the pandemic Crocs released Crocs Socks, allowing fans to double down on their loss of dignity and taste. It was as nefarious as an intentional lab leak. It was as unimaginable as Zubaz selling shirts. Millions more Americans surely suffered.

Why are we breaking this news now, nearly two years after their release? Because we've only now seen them. Much like a supervirus, Crocs Socks have pierced our hermetically-sealed YOOX/ASOS/Uniqlo/Neiman Marcus shopping bubble. It's the equivalent of a Fox News viewer learning about a January 6th conviction. And we don't like it one bit.

But we're not all doom and gloom here at MB. There's hope for all of us. While a pair of classic Crocs will set you back an astonishing $87.00, this 3-pack of Crocs Socks is marked down 61%, to $17.16.

We haven't paid close attention to the Donald Trump rape trial, but yesterday it became unavoidable as live blogging made its way to the NYT home page.

Closing arguments were notable because Trump's attorney, Joe Tacopina, went on for two hours. Also notable: Trump's attorney, Joe Tacopina, is one of the last men on the planet who should wear a cutaway collar, just ahead of Meatwad.

Earlier: Spread collars make your face look fatter

Ever since we called out Rossignol's yard sale of a sophomore season of their Après Ski Booties, we've been on the hunt for something similar: sneakerized, stylish, lightweight, slip-on boots that pair with Makers and Riders' M1Z jeans, and that can be worn for everything from après ski to winter bike commuting.

Is that too much to ask?

Five months later we're thrilled to report that a superior replacement has been found: The North Face Nuptse Booties.

They're a little lighter, warmer, cheaper, more waterproof, and more stylish than the Rossignol version. (The only downside: they're just a little harder to get on.)

We found them at ASOS and are stockpiling. They run one size small.

Q: Hi MBs: I'm returning to a (very casual-dress) office with a modest promotion this month, and I want to dress the part without trying too hard.

I have a fresh pair of dark wash APC Standard jeans I'd like to put to work here, so I thought could pair with a wool blazer, point collar shirt, and minimal PdO sneakers. Assuming I adhere to your aforementioned guidance on each of these pieces (I'm a devotee), what's the MB stance on blazer + denim pairings in 2023?
— Jack

A: Jack, congratulations on the promotion. Given your taste in web sites, clothing, and footwear, along with your strict adherence to core MB principles (never TTH), there is a C-suite position in your future.

We love this look. For 2023 and beyond. Wear it with confidence.

A couple of suggestions:

1. While we're fans of A.P.C. Standard jeans, we're reminded of the old A.P.C. denim joke: "You don't wear them. They wear you."

The A.P.C.s, combined with a wool blazer that's maybe ½ a size too small, can make you look (and feel) a little too "bound," striking a blow against artful dishevelment (and comfort). Sub some more forgiving denim once in a while.

2. Carry this look into spring/summer, where we think it works even better. Swap the wool blazers for cotton versions and flip the cuffs somewhat ineptly, mix in a pair or two of white 5-pocket pants/jeans, and expose your ankles. It doesn't get much better.

Whatever he does, don't do that.

As George Santos/Anthony Devolder enters minute 12 of his 15, we thought we'd better hurry up with our take on this guy's look and what you can learn from it.

Several style columnists have focused on his crewneck sweaters, pointing out that they're part of a preppy affectation, with all the wealth and privilege that implies.

But Lisa Burnbach — who literally wrote the book on preppy style: The Official Preppy Handbook — calls bullshit on that, saying she hasn't seen a real preppy wear a crewneck under a jacket and over a tie for several decades, and that Anthony Zabrovsky/Kitara Ravache looks like an extra from Family Ties.

What's going on here is less another deception — that he has any preppy pedigree whatsoever — and more about what he's concealing: a big fat gut.

This is the same rationale, we think, behind his mock zips and fleece vests.

We give him credit. It's the same tactic we use to camouflage our manboobs, back fat, and love handles. And you can, too.

Take a look at Peter Griffin. Don't you agree he looks slightly less obese in a sweater underneath his jacket? If the camera adds 10 pounds, we say a midnight blue crewneck takes off 20.

We're on the hunt for true white 5-pocket corduroy and recently landed on Sid Mashburn's pretty great site. Tucked away at the bottom of his white 5-pocket corduroy page is this gem of a take on white jeans:

"I find white jeans as versatile as blue jeans, and in fact many times more. And it doesn't matter which kind of white jeans ... our version or Levi's or selvedge or even white 5-pocket cords in a 14-wale corduroy. I love 'em all, wear 'em all, and keep 'em stocked in our shops. For me, white jeans are a year-round thing."

While Sid is in Atlanta and we're in Minneapolis, we agree: they're a year-round thing.

Here's a pic from one of our staffer's closets, who's been advocating this for years (like us).

P.S. No, we didn't end up buying Sid's pants. We have a rule against button-fly — it's too much work to take a piss and we're extremely lazy and drink a lot and have to piss a lot — so we're still looking.

Note the proper sleeve-rolling technique, too

"I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."

— Gilda Radner

Going on three years, we've been faced with an inverted clothing curve, where comfort has been paying a higher interest rate than style.

In fact, we've been wondering: If a person isn't seen all day by a partner, or by colleagues on a Zoom call, did that person actually wear anything at all?

Anyhow, we've taken a deep dive on sweats stylish soft pants — we'll have more on this in an upcoming post — and also organic cotton sweatshirts, mostly from obscure Italian brands found on YOOX. (It probably goes without saying that free-range cotton is significantly softer than cotton grown in cages.)

The winner, by quite a wide margin, is this Classica Cotton Sweatshirt by one of our favorite brands: De Marchi. A few points to note about sizing and taking action:

• De Marchi runs ridiculously small for American bodies. Go up two sizes.
• As of this writing, it's still 30% off.
• Use code XMAS20 for an additional 20€ off.
• When you purchase anything from De Marchi you become part of their Ciclo Club, which includes free merch: a water bottle, an embroidered patch "to be stitched or ironed on your favorite jersey," a metal pin, and the official Ciclo Club cap.

If you love soft tops and are even vaguely into cycling, this is a tough purchase to beat.