Not sure if you should wear that Tommy Bahama shirt out tonight? The magnificent bastard is here to help. Go ahead. Ask away.
Because the only thing better than a cheese head is a cheese bra.
See the complete cheese bra banner series here, here, here, here, and here.
Q: I'll be attending an upcoming spring training game featuring my favorite team, the Detroit Tigers. Any suggestions for shirt/hat combos that would show my support for the team and keep me looking MB?
A: Two years ago we wrote a post entitled "How to be a Stylish Baseball Fan" for moments like this, and it's still got great stuff. We're big fans of Red Jacket tees, and also like Detroit Athletic Co.'s Briggs Stadium tee, celebrating the heritage of what's probably our all-time favorite ballpark (RIP).
As for headwear, we're not big fans of baseball caps in any context and think you should generally leave them to those who are actually paid millions of dollars to wear them. In their place, we recommend a straw fedora, like the Stanwix or one of our long-time faves, the Knickerbocker, both from Block Headwear.
(IMPORTANT NOTE: It's true that Charlie Sheen is winning the war that K-Fed started earlier this decade to make the trilby, or short-brimmed fedora, the official crown of toolbags. You can steer clear of any associations by always going for natural straw with a natural band, or no band at all.)
Q: Thanks for your style advice for attending sporting events. I will be attending an epic playoff game in Chicago this weekend. Any tips for a MB in training when attending (outdoor) winter sporting events? I don't want to do the snowmobile suit or work coverall look and some of our midwest neighbors are wont to do. Or, is it a conflict of interest to even provide advice to a Bears fan?
A: Your squad is 3.5 point dogs at home, against the #6 seed ... have you thought about wearing a Packers' jersey?
If that's too extreme, we recommend a fairly conservative approach. With good seats running between $1000 to $2000 on StubHub, you're probably shelling out a lot just to be there. With that in mind, do you really want to blow even more cash on a jacket there's a strong chance you'll only associate with depressing memories of Aaron Rodgers doing the Championship Belt in your house? Take Jennifer Aniston's lead and go with a Spiewak snorkel parka. It's as warm as it is cheap.
San Diego Padres pitcher Clayton Richard
Q: Can the "not soon to be in first place" Padres 10-game losing streak be explained by their ridiculous jerseys this past Sunday?
A: In a badly misguided effort to honor the military, the Padres have worn camo jerseys on Sunday home games since 2008, a full two years after camo became post-peak.
It's Opening Day (at least in some parts of the country) so let's play ball!
If you're shopping at the (Your Favorite Team) Pro Shop or mlb.com, being a stylish baseball fan is about as difficult as hitting a Roger Clemens fastball when he was tricked out on the juice. Bring your own heat this spring with an updated look that will separate you from the crowd. And above all, leave the glove in the trunk.
Kevin Federline nearly sent the trilby to the big hat rack in the sky. With K-Fed's welcome fade from the public eye and careful rehabilitation from the likes of Brad Pitt, the trilby is back, and Modern Amusement's version will announce your presence with authority. Especially since everyone else is wearing a baseball cap, and a few of them are even backwards.
Modern Amusement "Take It Easy" Trilby, $58
Jersey - Top
Major league baseball players get paid millions of dollars to wear polyester. Unless you're under contract for 5 years, $35 million, skip the oversized faux jersey with sleeves down to the elbows. You go to the gym for a reason. Display the results of your hard work with these cotton t-shirt versions from Red Jacket inspired by the time before the designated hitter.
Red Jacket "Remote Control" Jersey, $45
Jersey - Bottoms
No fake holes, no whiskering, no fading, no obnoxious design on the rear pocket (none at all, in fact. See our chart.). This is denim with a capital D: straight-leg selvage in a dark wash. Versatile, too, like a utility infielder: they work at the ball game and the club later in the evening.
Citizens of Humanity selvage jeans in Virgin wash, $229
Baseball is America's pastime, and Converse is America's shoe, on par with other really American-y things like hot dogs, apple pie, and Chevro... ah, nevermind. Complete the retro-cool look with this garment-dyed twist on a classic. Leave the space-age running shoes for the 10K benefit, and the white New Balance cross-trainers for inside the house.
Converse Jack Purcell shoes, John Varvatos Limited Edition, $110.
Q: I play basketball and my old hightops are tired. Is there such a thing as a basketball shoe that does not reek of toolbag? Growing up, I loved the Air Penny II. Do you approve? Do I need to stop playing the sport altogether? Help!
A: We have about a dozen well-worn copies of Paul Fussell's brilliant book Class lying around the office. One its greatest contributions: a sport's class is inversely proportional to the size of its ball.*
How's your backhand?
(* Of course not every theory is perfect. If it were, a softball would be about the size of the moon.)