Not sure if you should wear that Tommy Bahama shirt out tonight? The magnificent bastard is here to help. Go ahead. Ask away.
Jenny Shimizu, Spectacular Bitch
Q: I recently started seeing a 22 year old woman who wants to get an ankle tattoo. She's typically very well-dressed and immaculately styled so this took me by surprise. I've never been a fan of tattoos in general, actually I think women are sexier without them, but she insists. Is it possible for a woman to have any sort of body art and still be considered a Spectacular Bitch?
A: Dearest James,
It is indeed possible for an SB to have tattoos, but I'm not so sure about your little friend. To my mind, 1992 was the tipping point for tattoos — they went from being something that could be construed as rebellious and outré to ultimately being played-out and frankly, lame. This explains why you might find scores of over-40 Spectacular Bitches sporting body art that can be chalked up to youthful indiscretion, a naughty streak, tequila or a combination thereof. These days, however, getting inked is about as original as getting your hair braided into cornrows on spring break, only with more time for regrets.
Of course, every rule has its exceptions. Some women, no matter what age, can simply pull it off. But it requires a fuck you attitude and the commitment of some serious real estate. Sadly, a meek little ankle tattoo reads more sorority than spectacular. I say skip it.
Q: I've searched the MB site and been a long time reader but cannot find anything about monograms. Pockets, cuffs? Which if either is Magnificent? A reputation is hanging on this. Thanks.
A: In the context of clothing, monograms started out as a way for rich people to communicate with their launderers. "These are my shirts," a monogram says. "Return them to me, not Saltonstall."
Over time, monograms evolved into a way for anyone to communicate with people who can't afford a Kindle. "I can afford to spend $5 extra per shirt at Lands' End," a monogram says. "Meanwhile, you're just sitting there reading my shirt. Dick." Do you get what we're saying here? Monograms violate the principle of understatement, and are best left to the Donald Trumps of the world.
Plus, monograms are essentially tattoos for your clothes, and therefore just as superfluous on a truly beautiful shirt as, say, a tiny butterfly would be on Pippa Middleton's ass. Why further adorn that which is already perfect?
Q: This is my first time on this website, and I love it! OK. I'm thinking of getting a tattoo, it's a tribal star (5 tips), actually I have made up my mind on getting the tattoo and the design I just can't make up my mind on where to get it. I'm thinking either on the left side of my chest (under my amrpit) or on the inside of my bicep. I really don't want it to show, but which is more MB? Thanks a million.
A: We think the best place to get a tattoo is jail. As long as your record is clean, we encourage you to keep your chest and biceps clean too.
Q: Is there any way a tattoo can be MB-approved if it is done for the sake of irony? A friend of mine, who for the most part has the MB style going on, just got a tattoo of a pirate ship on his chest.
A: Leroy, does your friend know that tattoos are permanent? Irony is best left to things that can be changed or shaved, like t-shirts or facial hair, although an ironic "Mom" tattoo on either bicep would be acceptable.
Q: On your "Top 10 Ways to Look Like a Total Toolbag" you forgot to add Number 11 -- trendoid ankle tattoos.
A: Only guitar amplifiers go to eleven, not toolbag lists. However, if you look closely at The Toolbag you'll clearly see the "trendoid ankle tattoo."
We consider this matter closed.
Q: I totally agree with your sentiments towards barbed-wire tattoos. However, a MB with a slightly masochistic side may be faced with a dilemma... can a tattoo be part of the MB look, and if so what is acceptable? I personally believe that subtle is best if anything.... thoughts?
A: Even if you're a bastard, why would you want to tarnish your magnificent skin, the one you care for so deeply with sunscreen, Khiels Oatmeal Cleanser, Lab Rescue Body Sculpting Gel, microdermabrasion, botox injec— uh, anyhow, why would you let some dirty ink jockey who is most certainly not an MB cheapen your brand? Besides, more than 20% of people who get a tattoo regret it. The other 80% are Hell's Angels. Either way, don't become a statistic. At least if you somehow end up wearing a barbed-wire sweater, you can take it off, give it to Goodwill, and be as clean as the day you were born.
In order to fulfill your masochistic needs, read anything by Thomas Friedman, or watch the CBS Evening News.