Magnificent Bastard

Monday, March 18, 2024



underwear

Ask the MB: What To Do When Calvin Klein Stops Making Your Favorite Underwear

Ask the MB: What To Do When Calvin Klein Stops Making Your Favorite Underwear

Q: Long, longtime fan. So, Calvin Klein stopped making my favorite 100% cotton boxer briefs. I know, only halfway to MB chart, but these provided the perfect balance between scrotal space and glans restriction.

Anyway, I contacted CK to ask for a recommendation, and all I got was a generic copy/paste reply. Worse, they referred to their brand as Tommy Hilfiger, which - as it turns out - shares the sales infrastructure. Needless to say, I’m looking for an alternative, and turn to you for your wisdom and advice.

Kind regards, and keep up the good work, which is much appreciated!
—Duncan

A: Reading your note at our editorial meeting the other day caused sudden trembling and nausea, as we wondered out loud if CK also stopped making *our* all-time favorite underwear: CK One Cotton Stretch Slim Fit Boxers.

They did.

This soon turned into a full-scale panic attack. Had we sufficiently prepped? Was there a lifetime supply of CK One Cotton Stretch Slim Fit Boxers in storage?

No.

We honestly had not felt this level of existential wardrobe dread since 1979, when we learned JCPenney stopped selling bell bottoms.

We don't have an answer for right now, Duncan. We're still sorting through our emotions, and also a lot of underwear sites. But please stay tuned.

NB: For those wondering why Duncan is referring to scrotal space, here is the original Magnificent Bastard Underwear Guide, from when we were less mature, and funnier.


Ringgate

Ringgate

Yes Barack Obama still wears that ridiculous wife-beater beneath a dress shirt. And a flag pin. And yes his ties have recently grown so comically long we fear a Trump tie label may be on the verge of grabbing the President's nutsack. But we're encouraged — and also intrigued — by Obama's regular removal of his wedding ring.

Lately whenever he's about to meet crowds or on the stump, he pockets it.

Speculation has been running high about why Obama does, and the leading theory — that he does it to protect the ring from would-be thieves — makes no sense at all. First, he shakes hands with his right hand, not his left. Second, there's a reason you've heard of "pickpockets" but not "pickfingers" — it's much easier to lift a ring from the former rather than the latter.

But the notion that Obama has big plans for his First 100 Days out of office doesn't wash either. Even armed with those Trumpian ties and some Tic Tacs®, we just don't see him stepping out on Michelle any time soon. Which, as faithful readers have already no doubt deduced, leaves only one plausible explanation: The lame duck leader of the free world is finally adopting at least one Magnificent Bastard principle.

Obama Goes Deep

Obama Goes Deep

Fresh off July's disastrous departure from Marine One, this week President Barack Obama bounced back with perhaps his best Marine One exit yet. Yes, his pants still have creases. Yes, his sleeves are rolled below the elbow. And yes, he is still wearing a wedding ring. But he's ditched the white crewneck undershirt, and even displayed a measurable degree of artful dishevelment, a core MB principle. In fact, we believe this is the first time in his presidency that he's worn a woven with two buttons undone.

We're about 99% sure that last statement is true, but will happily be proven wrong in order to give stuff away. The first reader to send us a photo of Barack Obama as president in a woven shirt with two buttons unbuttoned wins their choice of an MB tie or an MB wallet. Send your proof to editor@magnificentbastard.com today!

The Greatest Outfit Change in Open History

Left: Stenson lining up his birdie putt on 16, what he called the most pressure stroke of the round.
Left: Stenson lining up his birdie putt on 16, what he called the most pressure stroke of the round.

This award goes to Henrik Stenson, Champion Golfer of the Year, who discarded his toolbag long-sleeve Hugo Boss synthetic mock turtleneck underwear on the 17th tee, just in time to hoist the Claret Jug in a polo. It's the best sartorial move in the 145-year history of the tournament. Well done Henrik.

Get Dressed: Taking a Sickie for Monday British Open Final Round

Get Dressed: Taking a Sickie for Monday British Open Final Round

1. Attire We don't always wear underwear, but we do when we're sitting on the sofa at 5AM on a Monday for 7.5 hours of British Open coverage, and we prefer CK One Cotton Stretch Slim Fit Boxers. Slim, yet unconfining, and discreet even under the shortest, tightest, and lowest-rise shots, these have been our favorites virtually since Seve won on a Monday at Royal Lytham & St. Annes in 1988. They're the best. 2 for $30 at calvinklein.com, but you can always find these at Teej for about half that.

EARLIER: Chart! Underwear and Testicle Constriction
EARLIER: RIP: Seve Ballesteros — Inventor of the Sunday Uniform

Show Us Your Game Face, Dude! Yoko Ono Lightbulb Bra

Show Us Your Game Face, Dude! Yoko Ono Lightbulb Bra

Imagine there's no giant zany clown hand grabbing your package, it's easy if you try? No, we don't think so. To keep a straight face while wearing this outfit by Yoko Ono, you've got to be a true pro. Well done, male model!

As for Yoko Ono, we can officially say that breaking up the Beatles is only the second greatest aesthetic travesty she has perpetrated in her life. The first is the clothing collection in which the Lightbulb Bra appears. Produced in collaboration with Opening Ceremony, and initially offered in "limited-edition" quantities in November 2012, it remains unsurprisingly resistant to purchase, even at 50 percent off.

Thanks to reader David Blackett, who pointed us toward the collection and earned a 4-pack of Disposable Letterpress Beverage Shields for his efforts.

Have you seen a candidate for Show Us Your Game Face, Dude!? Send a note to editor@magnificentbastard.com and if we use it on-air we'll send you some Beverage Shields too.

Monday Morning Quarterback Week 16

Monday Morning Quarterback Week 16

It's Week 4 of Monday Morning Quarterback, a feature that combines our love of chronic traumatic encephalopathy-inducing bloodsport (aka, the NFL) with our passion for style.

Each week we break down the postgame press conference film and pick the best and worst-performing quarterbacks from around the league. We take their actual Passer Rating, multiply it by the proprietary Magnificent Bastard Dresser Rating, to arrive at their Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating.

Geno Smith

Passer Rating: 91.7

Dresser Rating: 87.3

Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating: 80.1

Last week, a rookie overaccessorization mistake. This week, Smith shows veterans the right way to go casual and make it work, and is the MB Player of the Week.

Tony Romo

PR: 98.7

DR: 41.1

TMBQBR: 40.6

Once again Romo had a costly pick, but saved it for the postgame presser. MB tip: only go deep into the ear canal when there's blown TV coverage. As for the dresser rating, the non-throwing arm at this angle should expose a wide-open shirt cuff.

Kellen Clemens

PR: 99.6

DR: 29.3

TMBQBR: 29.2

When you're 6'2" and 220 lbs., it's not easy finding a shirt that looks at least two sizes too big for you. We encourage the Rams QB to stop shopping JC Penney's Husky Linemen section and get into something a little more fitted.

Matt Flynn

PR: 69.6

DR: 23.6

TMBQBR: 16.4

With his red union suit and sad, shell-shocked gaze, back-up Matt Flynn looks like a nine-year-old on Christmas morning slowly coming to grips with the fact that he's going to go at least one more year without a BB gun.

Matt Cassell

PR: 32.6

DR: 36.8

TMBQBR: 12.0

As the week's lowest-rated passer, we applaud Cassell's instinct to look inconspicuous. However, we think his Week 14 beanie, pulled completely over his face, 7-Eleven robbery style, would have been more effective than his baseball cap disguise.

Andrew Luck

PR: 96.8

DR: 0.0

TMBQBR: 0.0

We suppose if your last name is Luck, it's inevitable that you develop superstitions, and after a month of MMQB, it's clear what Luck's post-game ritual is: Skip the showers; hit the presser wearing lucky performance T; make a face like the Geico caveman. It's not the strangest superstition we've ever heard of, but it's certainly a contender for the least stylish.

Earlier: Andrew Luck Looks Like Geico Caveman, Only Worse-Dressed

Ask the MB: Kickstarter Underwear

What American men need now: Grocery lists on their wrists
What American men need now: Grocery lists on their wrists
Q: I was randomly looking through Kickstarter today and saw this: American-made, American-grown underwear. What do you think?
—Brian in Seattle


A: In a world where over 56,000 people have pledged over $8.3 million for a clunky wrist device that looks like a Swatch humped a Skycaddie, you'd think American-made (and American-grown, as you astutely point out) undies would generate at least, say, half a mil, right?

No, but a still-impressive $163K has been pledged for Jake Bronstein's Flint and Tinder to make classic briefs, straight-leg boxers, and boxer-briefs at a California clothing factory powered partially by the sun.

While we're opposed to boxer-briefs with leg bands, and "tighty whities" violate our guidelines on testicle-constricting underwear, the boxers look worth the modest investment. We're in.

Earlier: The Magnificent Bastard Underwear Guide

Ask the MB: Ginch Gonch

Ginch Gonch 'I Love Bacon' Sleep Pants via ginchgonch.com, $39.00
Ginch Gonch 'I Love Bacon' Sleep Pants via ginchgonch.com. $39.00.
Q: Considering Ginch Gonch. How much fun can underwear be?
--Eric


A: We don't remember wearing underwear this brightly colored (or legible) since 1st grade, when we didn't have much say in the matter. With names like "Thick n' Meaty," "London Ballin'," "Mighty Muscle," and "Tiger's Wood," we get the strong sense the GG marketing department may be overcompensating for something. However, we'd definitely consider the bacon sleep pants because everyone knows that everything -- including sleep pants -- is better with bacon.

SEE ALSO: The Magnificent Bastard Underwear Guide with exclusive testicle constriction rating.

New Tool in the Toolbag's Toolbag: Mirdles

New Tool in the Toolbag's Toolbag: Mirdles
The mirdle. We are not opposed to paying $78 for a t-shirt. But not for one that performs the Heimlich Maneuver on us for hours at a time. If we wanted to be held that closely, we'd spend more time picking up women with abandonment issues.

Ask the MB

Ask the MB
Q: Dear MB: I have made the undies switch from cotton boxers to low cut boxer briefs (which i will refer to as "boy shorts"). I know the ladies and my balls love it but was this the right move?
—Graham


A: We can't vouch for your ladies, but are you sure your balls love 'em? Now it's like they're strapped into a seatbelt, and you're only driving on the conveyor belt in a carwash. Regardless, your question prompted us to do one of our favorite things: create a pseudo-scientific chart. We've concluded there is a direct correlation between underwear style value and testicle constriction:


underwear guide

Ask the MB

Roberto Cavalli Leopard Print Boxers via YOOX, $90.00
Roberto Cavalli Leopard Print Boxers via YOOX. $90.00.
Q: Let me tell you - the white shirt approach (with good tan for bonus points), combined with the blue suit / black belt & shoes have been instrumental in pulling down the play (euphemism for "chicks" —ed.).

Today's question: the play is sending me this weekend's picks from Victoria Secret – (Pink Satin Baby Dolls) and inquiring on my style of undergarments. Help! Don't want to get into the boxer / brief debate and there is no way I'll be caught in anything that looks like a Speedo, but need official MB guidance – what about silk boxers? The activities of this weekend could be in jeopardy if I'm not wearing the correct uniform for the game.
—Tom


A: Tom, if we can take any credit in getting you some action, well, it's perhaps the highest form of praise. Now regarding your underwear selection, let's be clear about what's happening here: The "play" is sending you links to Victoria's Secret Pink Satin Baby Dolls. It doesn't matter whether you're in boxers, briefs, a g-string, or even this Cavalli leopard print, she's into you and you cannot possibly fuck it up.

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Stir over ice, strain into a chilled cocktail glass, and garnish with a pearl onion.


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