Magnificent Bastard

Saturday, October 25, 2014

mock turtleneck

Ukrainian Update

Oleksandr Turchynov, at a press conference March 12, 2014
Oleksandr Turchynov, at a press conference March 12, 2014

The Leotardo we sent acting Ukrainian President Oleksandr Turchynov has apparently not been able to break through the Toolbag Curtain.

In solidarity with besieged Ukrainian troops in Crimea, Turchynov is wearing his own uniform, The Michael Lohan, which consists of a black mockneck under a blazer. While we believe that this no way to run a country, we continue to support President Turchynov in his effort to maintain Ukrainian independence in the face of increasing Russian aggression.

DIPLOMATIC TIES: MB Sends a Care Package to Ukraine's Acting President

DIPLOMATIC TIES: MB Sends a Care Package to Ukraine's Acting President

We freely admit our knowledge of global affairs is limited. But Ukraine has us especially baffled. Based on this photo of Acting President Oleksandr Turchynov, Ukraine's Parliament appears to have a two-drink minimum. But no dress code?

As longtime champions of business casual, we love that tall tumbler of what we're interpreting as bourbon on the new Acting President's desk. But isn't there some provision in the Geneva Convention that says that when you're the leader of an entire country, you have to wear a tie to work?

Obviously, Mr Turchynov has a lot of things on his plate right now, and shopping for ties is not one of them. Which is why we're reaching out, in a gesture of global goodwill, and sending him a complimentary wool tie.

As the photos above document, a Leotardo is now on its way to Kiev.

The Van Gundy Rule: An Update

Stan Van Gundy at the 2010-11 season opener
Stan Van Gundy at the 2010-11 season opener
On September 30 the NBA implemented a new coaches' dress code that at the time was believed to prevent Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy from wearing his signature mock turtlenecks. It immediately became known as The Van Gundy Rule.

Ten days later the Orlando Sentinel suggested Van Gundy's mock turtlenecks qualified under the letter of the rules, which state coaches and assistant coaches must wear:

(a) A long or short-sleeved dress shirt (collared or turtleneck), and/or a dress sweater;
(b) Dress slacks, khaki pants, or dress jeans;
(c) A sport coat;
(d) Dress shoes or boots (but not including sneakers, sandals); and
(e) Socks.

Any MB knows there is a world of difference between a turtleneck and a mock turtleneck, and it would appear Stan Van Gundy does, too, as he coached the Magic's season opener against Washington in a point-collar woven (and down about 15 pounds).

In other news, chronic mock turtlenecker Tiger Woods -- also in a collared shirt -- was at the Magic opener as well.

Ask the MB: Half-Zip Sweaters

Cotton-cashmere half-zip sweater via J. Crew, $85.00
Cotton-cashmere half-zip sweater via J. Crew. $85.00.
Q: What's your take on those half zip sweaters with the collars that kind of stand up, like the J. Crew version? Is this akin to popping a collar? Or, is this acceptable collar territory?
--DTC


A: We hate these sweaters. But it's got nothing to do with collar popping and everything to do with them being stuck in a stylistic no man's land between Mark Zuckerbergian fleece outerwear and a regular sweater, much like capri pants are stuck between pants and shorts, or a mock turtleneck is stuck between a turtleneck and a t-shirt. In fact, if you zip one of these up and throw a blazer over it, you're in Van Gundy Rule territory. Avoid.

MB Endorses: The Van Gundy Rule

MB Endorses: The Van Gundy Rule
Apologies for being a tad late with any mention of this news, but for the 2010-11 season the NBA is implementing a new dress code requiring coaches to wear collared shirts during games. Now that mock turtleneck king Don Nelson is out of a job in Golden State, this affects only Orlando Magic coach and MB sartorial piñata Stan Van Gundy.

While the new rule won't prevent Van Gundy from wearing some appalling shirt/tie combos this year (which we will surely document as they begin to appear), kudos to the NBA for banning this style atrocity. Now perhaps the PGA Tour will wake up and finally apply similar rules for its players. It shall be called the Tiger Woods Rule.

Hurricane Van Gundy Hits America's Living Rooms

Hurricane Van Gundy Hits America's Living Rooms
Category 5 toolbag Stan Van Gundy is merely a regional style catastrophe 10 months out of the year. Every spring, however, the coach of the Orlando Magic becomes a national one during the NBA playoffs. Last night reader Nick wrote:

"Surely Stan Van Gundy of the Orland Magic deserves elevation to some sort of super toolbag status based on his 'attire' (using the word loosely) for Game 1 against Atlanta. The combination of mafia suit style, with black t-shirt, all completely ill-fitting even had my wife pausing in astonishment."

To Van Gundy's credit, he has replaced last year's mock turtleneck with a polo shirt. If he keeps that up, he may be downgraded to Category 4.

Ask the MB: Tiger Woods' Sunglasses at The Masters

Ask the MB: Tiger Woods' Sunglasses at The Masters
Q: No comments about Tiger's Nike sunglasses at the Masters? I hope they enhanced his game, because they did nothing for his already lacking MB-ness.
--Nate


We know Woods spent the last few months in sex rehab, but based on his appearance at the Masters, we're wondering about the cure. To our eye, it looks like his therapists have simply stuck a pair of super-dark blind-guy glasses on him in the hope that they will prevent him from spotting trashy blonde blabbermouths in the gallery. And fed him a lot of donuts. On the bright side, he's wearing a collared shirt. And every day you can stay off the mock turtlenecks is a good day.

Boo Weekley Clothing Line Signals Apocalypse Within Spittin' Range

Boo Weekley Clothing Line Signals Apocalypse Within Spittin' Range
During yesterday's coverage of the Verizon Heritage, CBS did a small promo piece for hillbilly PGA tour player Boo Weekley's new clothing line. From the man who last year used the front bunker at 18 at Harbour Town Golf Links as spittoon (top), next time tee it up with the "Boo" jersey stretch long sleeve mock neck in "mossy oak duck blind" print (middle).

In other news, winner Brian Gay took a 3-shot lead into Sunday. You reckon tournament organizers could've found a tartan plaid jacket within 3 sizes for the likely winner? Sheesh.

Ask the MB: Mock Turtleneck to High School Reunion?

Anthony Michael Hall as Jim. Nice acid wash!
Anthony Michael Hall as Jim. Nice acid wash!
Q: I have a black mock turtleneck I want to wear under a dark gray /green suit. People says it looks nice but I want to be sure... The other option is a white shirt/no tie... It is for a HS reunion....The black turtleneck is slimming which draws me to it as well.
--Jeff


A: Jeff, we sense you're a new MB reader so we'll go easy on you. Are you out of your fucking mind? Ignore the "people" and wear the white shirt for chrissakes. Leave the mock turtlenecks for especially toolbaggy characters from classic Tim Burton fables. Also consider dressing down at least one notch and hopefully two. We're talking high school reunion here, not a job interview.

Ask the MB: Turtleneck Clarification

Ask the MB: Turtleneck Clarification
Q: I'm unclear on your turtleneck position. Are saying it was only ok in 1968 and for chaps much more MB than I'll ever be? I have a navy tall mock turtleneck (taller than a mock but not enough to fold over) that I love. Not MB?
--Scott


A: We're saying McQueen, Player, and Newkirk helped make the turtleneck forever cool. If you don't have enough material to fold over, or let flop down in an artfully disheveled way, then you ought to keep it in your closet. Or perhaps burn it. Anything even veering towards mock should be avoided or you might start looking like Tiger Woods. And that ain't good.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

What's Wrong With This Picture?
The winner -- total toolbag Paul Azinger -- is wearing a mock turtleneck. The loser -- MB-ish Nick Faldo -- in an artfully disheveled collared shirt.

It's one thing for Mr. Azinger to be unstylish -- that's par for the course with him -- but does he need to dress up the entire team in that awful outfit?

In spite of the lopsided victory, that photo will not stand the test of time. In 20 years people won't be looking at the winning 2008 Ryder Cup team and say, "Geez, those guys really had style back then." Exactly the opposite.

Ask the MB -- Steve Jobs

Ask the MB -- Steve Jobs
So what do you think of Apple founder Steve Jobs' sense of style? These days, he almost always wears the same outfit in public, consisting of: 1) black mock turtleneck; 2) jeans; 3) white or grey New Balance sneakers; and 4) iPhone. Is it just me, or does this technological visionary dress like a toolbag?
--Evan


A: We haven't specifically addressed Jobs' particular sense of "style," but your sense of the MB ethos is strong, Evan.

- mock turtleneck
- jeans. Poor Steve could learn about AG. That high-rise, tapered Levi's soccer-dad cut just isn't appropriate for a technological visionary. Or really anyone.
- white New Balance sneakers
- iPhone

Verdict: total toolbag.

Ask the MB -- Steve McQueen in Bullitt

Ask the MB -- Steve McQueen in <em>Bullitt</em>
Q: Steve McQueen, Magnificent Bastard. Mock turtleneck. Bullitt. MB pronouncement, repealed?
--Marcus


A: Yes, Steve McQueen certainly was a Magnificent Bastard, but we can assure you that at no time in Bullitt did he wear a mock turtleneck. Open your fucking eyes and you'll see it's perhaps Film's Most Famous Real Turtleneck; a blue ribbed turtleneck sweater, shown underneath a tweed blazer (top).

Overshadowed by the famous turtleneck was McQueen's demonstration of how to nail a chunky shawl collar cardigan with woven shirt (bottom).

Something is Rotten in North Carolina

Something is Rotten in North Carolina
During last night's broadcast of the championship game:

Top: North Carolina player Tyler Hansbrough, receiving Naismith player-of-the-year trophy, wearing black mock turtleneck (with $199, 4-button pinstripe suit).

Bottom: North Carolina coach Roy Williams, during halftime break, wearing black mock turtleneck (with $99 flecked wool blazer).

Tiger's Style Trainwreck

2nd-Worst-Dressed Golfer
2nd-Worst-Dressed Golfer
Tiger Woods, the world's best golfer and 2nd-worst-dressed, continues to unleash his and Nike, Inc.'s abominable "style" on the golfing world. Johnny Miller, Chi Chi Rodriguez, Arnold Palmer — if they were all dead — would be rolling in their graves. Stay tuned (to ABC) over the weekend to see the latest Nike synthetic mock turtleneck styles.

POURCAST

BETA

Negroni

The classic Negroni is simply equal parts gin, Campari, and sweet vermouth. You can do better.

  • 5 parts Plymouth gin
  • 2 parts Campari
  • 1 part Pimm's No. 1 Cup
  • 1 part sweet vermouth
  • 1 part dry vermouth
  • 2 dashes of orange bitters

Quick shake or stir and pour into chilled Martini glass. Garnish with an orange twist.


In-Depth Negroni Coverage:

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