Not sure if you should wear that Tommy Bahama shirt out tonight? The magnificent bastard is here to help. Go ahead. Ask away.
From a calming chocolate bar to a pearl rope necklace, we have the MB's mistress covered in this year's version of the Mistress Holiday Gift Guide.
Pictured: personalized orange horse knocker stationery from iomoi. When she inevitably goes nuclear and writes the letter to your wife, it should be stylish.
Why is the male in your header dressed appropriately for the subject of your banter, while the female looks like she belongs more on the Wisconsin version of "Jersey Shore" ("Door County Shore?")?
A: Allison, Monday through Saturday Nicole is dressed in cashmere and pearls. But on home-game Sundays she falls victim to the spell of the Packers, and dons green American Apparel shorts, grilling tongs, and a cheese bra. Like pickled herring, cannibal sandwiches, and brandy Old Fashioneds, you kinda have to live here to understand.
Anyhow, we love the Door County Shore concept and are ready to write a treatment for MTV. We can see Snooki and The Situation slinging fish boils at the White Gull Inn and sundaes at Wilson's Ice Cream Parlor. Thanks for the suggestion.
How about it! It's Anglophilic, made of natural materials, exclusive, and not just derived from a military inspiration, it's actual military surplus. Why go designer when you can go right to the source?
A: Yes, it's all those things, and it's also modeled on a (flat-out ugly) woman, which is appropriate since military is big for them this fall. Military buttons, sleeve tabs, skinny cargo pants, and camo denim are the rage for women, but the closest thing to military you'll see us in this fall is a peacoat.
By our account military is on the 4-year election cycle. Men are on the presidential, women on the midterms. Look for lots of camo and epaulets available for the 2012 Obama-Palin tilt.
Q: This is a question for Spectacular Bitch, but since she's making us wait, like, forever ... I'd like your opinion on what to wear to Lambeau on Thursday night. I'll be in a suite with business partners so a cheese bra is out of the question. Please advise.
A: In lieu of the cheese bra (save that for November 7th against Dallas, when we'll be there) here's an effortless, SB-appropriate outfit for a cool August night:
* TOP: Splendid Whisper Draped Top
. With come-hither look. $55 via shopbop.com.
* BOTTOM: Your favorite pair of designer denim. We like AG if you've got it, Hudson if it's going a little south.
* FOOTWEAR: Sandals, with toes in buff or nude.
* WINNING SB ACCESSORY: Super long and slimming and green Chan Luu crinkle fringe scarf. $95 via saksfifthavenue.com.
Go, Pack, Go!
via shopbop.com. $121.00.
Q: For an Irish-themed wedding, is it all right to wear a black mini dress? Or is a floral longer dress more appropriate?
A: Hon, this is a question best left to Spectacular Bitch, but as SBs are wont to do, they're making us wait.
Anyhow, the answer is "neither." Even if the longer dress was made with printed shamrocks, flowers are best when used in combination with vases. And while we strongly endorse black mini dresses, they're for the club, not a wedding. Instead, wear something that hits right around the knee, like this silk "Lorelei" dress (but go ahead and get the mini dress too).
Things are especially dire in Italy, where they don't even have enough clothing to cover their models.
Pictured: women modeling Benetton's Fall/Winter 2010 line (big PDF).
Q: Great posts about biking. However, and I feel stupid for asking, my GF loves to Rollerblade. Is this an activity I can enjoy with her without looking like a total toolbag?
A: Jared, watch this instructional Rollerblade video for ten seconds -- no, make that two seconds -- and the answer should be clear. In addition, we encourage you to read our extremely effective dating and relationship guide: separate interests. Okay, now re-read it, memorize it, and put it into action. When she goes Rollerblading, go play golf. When she's at yoga, take a nap. When she's gardening, pop a beer and watch The Big Game*. To paraphrase the Roman poet Sextus Propertius, the less time you spend together, the longer you'll stay together.
* any game where the National Anthem is played
Bill Clinton got tripped up by a blue dress. Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama got done in by a blue, red, green, purple, yellow, and black shirt. Yesterday the politician resigned after just eight months in office, his popularity eroded in large part because of a shirt he wore to a barbecue and other out-of-the-box fashion choices. Always remember this, readers: Sometimes, cheating on good taste can get you into even more trouble than cheating on your wife.
We can't send you the girl. She's too big to ship, plus she has to be at least 90 years old by now, so she's probably so brittle she'd arrive in pieces. However, we can send you 36 lbs. of free coffee. All you've got to do is write a few words about the MB Cocktail. Click here for complete details.
Q: You've touched on various cocktails and drinks of choice for MBs everywhere, but you have yet to mention The Magnificent Bastard champagne of choice for a special night with a Spectacular Bitch. What do you guys think?
A: Andre, we've previously covered this issue with our highly scientific champagne chart, and it applies to your outing with an SB. Take note: the more she skews towards the B side of the SB spectrum, pay closer attention to the x axis of our chart.
Q: I love my girlfriend and everything she does or wears is sexy and beautiful. Except for one thing, she plucks her eyebrows so thin it makes her look like a surprised doll. I wish she would grow them out naturally, but I have no idea how to tell her -- plus I don't think an MB would ever try to correct his girl's appearance. But the eyebrows are making me crazy -- I was even thinking of taking her camping for three weeks just to force them out. What can I do?
A: Lee, first off, thanks for entrusting us with your love life -- we are always surprised at how few people seem to think a men's style website is the most appropriate venue for solving tricky relationship problems.
In any case, our first thought is that we generally prefer cat-like women: graceful, inscrutable, with fastidious grooming habits. But we agree that plucked, or at least overplucked, eyebrows take fastidious grooming one step too far.
So here's what we suggest you do. Casually browse through one of your girlfriend's old photo albums, tell her how cute she looks, etc. When you find a photo from her pre-plucking years, ramp up the praise even more: "Oh my God, look at you. Those eyebrows. You look like Brooke Shields!" Don't overdo it or she'll get suspicious. Just the one comment and move on to some other subject. Now, the seed has been planted. If your girlfriend fails to take action, that's a clear sign she'd prefer to look like Divine than Brooke Shields. In which case you have our deepest sympathies.
Q: Hey - my girlfriend's birthday is coming up and I'm a pretty cheap bastard. How much should I shell out for a handbag and how do I know (other than asking her friends) which one is appropriate/good - as they all the mid-range bags look pretty tacky to me.
A: Hamish, you sound pretty committed to the notion that you're a cheap bastard, so it's probably best to find out sooner rather than later if your girlfriend is equally at ease with this fact. Test her out with this Hollywood Intuition bag from Target, designed by Jane Hersh, who owns celeb-fave Intuition in LA. It's $27.
The 3rd season of Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker starts tonight, and host Patti Stanger has a whole new look, clearly based on the MB makeover advice given last year. Gone are the bangs, the painted fingernails (nude is OK), and the too-short skirts. You're welcome, hon! (Now for an MB intervention with her fiance. A heart-shaped diamond ring screams TB.)
Like Don Draper, Tiger Woods has great taste in wives. Like Bill Clinton, he's got awful taste in mistresses. Seriously, we haven't seen this much toolbag arm candy since we were backstage at a Mötley Crüe reunion show a couple years ago. (Don't ask.)
Check their resumes, and we're betting 85% of them are Girls Gone Wild alumnae, classes of, oh, 1999-2002.
MB's #1 rule for picking mistresses: Do not count on a woman with fake boobs, fake nails, and fake hair color to be discrete.
MB's #2 rule for picking mistresses: If more than 50% of your side dishes have stripper names (Jaimee, Kalika, Cori, etc.), make sure you have a bulletproof pre-nup.
Top: Tiger signals his intent to spawn by taping large salmon to chest. The ladies love it!
1. Rachel Uchitel
2. Jaimee Grubbs
3. Kalika Moquin
4. Mindy Lawton. (We don't get this one. Is it possible she's banging some other guy named Tiger Woods?)
5. Jamie Jungers
6. Cori Rist
7. Holly Sampson
8. Artist depiction of Mistress #8. You know she's coming any minute, along with #9, #10 ... soon he'll have 18 holes.
(Memo to Jon Gosselin: Step up your game, because it looks like Tiger wants your Toolbag of the Millenium crown, and you know there's no one more clutch when a title is on the line.)
French first lady Carla Bruni. Spectacular Bitch par excellence.
Q: I was talking to my girlfriend today about MB and she mentioned that she wished there was a version of MB for women. I was curious as to whether you folks had ever thought about finding some fabulous ladies to run a sister site with a similar style?
A: Funny you should ask, Mark. We're diligently working on our sister site, spectacularbitch.com. Okay, we're not diligently working on it. But we're working on it. Check back in in early 2010, and we should at least have the website equivalent of Carla Bruni's top. In other words, not a lot of substance, perhaps, but loads and loads of style.
Q: After following your advice, my success with women has gone from about 5% to nearly 50%. It seems to have been the missing piece. Thank you! This is until recently. I was talking to a girl who loved my outfit at my favorite bar. She said it looked like I didn't even try, it just worked. At this time, a female bartender interjected that this look was my angle. The conversation was over. The bartender observed that on her own. Short of finding another bar, what suggestions do you have?
A: A cock-blocking bartender is even worse than a cock-blocking wingman -- you're not tipping your buddy, after all. But if you've really got the "not trying thing" down, and the bartender was female, maybe she was cootch-blocking the girl you were trying to pick up. Find out fast. If the answer's "yes," your favorite bar just became a terrible place to pick up women but a great place to get free drinks. If the answer's "no," try humor. The next time the bartender interrupts your game with some play-by-play analysis, say: "Jesus, mom, back off. Can't you see I'm trying to get laid here?"
For the first time in over 20 years, my husband went out and bought clothes, confidently and without me, and I actually liked everything he brought home. He looks smashing. Thanks, MB.
A: Heather, we're pleased you love your husband's new wardrobe and trust his mistress feels the same way.
Q: As a responsible citizen, I want to know how I can do my part to put a stop to a blemish on our society. How can I help put a stop to the way-past-due trend of women wearing Ugg boots? It was one thing 3yrs ago, but now it's down-right objectionable. Don't we as patrons of MBness have an obligation to right the ladies in our lives of this horror?
A: Right on, Mark. Ugg? Ugh! Unfortunately in some places (LA in particular) Uggs have crossed over into basics, which is bullshit given their meteoric rise. Anything going up that high, that fast needs to crash and burn, with no survivors. (See zubaz.)
Anyhow, it's probably a little extreme to throw paint or tomatoes at them like those PETA freaks toss at fur, so perhaps gently recommend they get with it and upgrade to anything apres ski from Tecnica, like this
furry moon boot.
via Tobi. $190.00.
We're guys, see, and we notice -- and love -- this type of thing.
Material: 98% cotton, 2% elastane
Wash: Creek Resin
Temperature: Flaming Hot