Not sure if you should wear that Tommy Bahama shirt out tonight? The magnificent bastard is here to help. Go ahead. Ask away.
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Q: Hey - my girlfriend's birthday is coming up and I'm a pretty cheap bastard. How much should I shell out for a handbag and how do I know (other than asking her friends) which one is appropriate/good - as they all the mid-range bags look pretty tacky to me.
--Hamish
A: Hamish, you sound pretty committed to the notion that you're a cheap bastard, so it's probably best to find out sooner rather than later if your girlfriend is equally at ease with this fact. Test her out with this Hollywood Intuition bag from Target, designed by Jane Hersh, who owns celeb-fave Intuition in LA. It's $27.  posted:2.11.10 filed under: The 3rd season of Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker starts tonight, and host Patti Stanger has a whole new look, clearly based on the MB makeover advice given last year. Gone are the bangs, the painted fingernails (nude is OK), and the too-short skirts. You're welcome, hon! (Now for an MB intervention with her fiance. A heart-shaped diamond ring screams TB.) posted:1.19.10 filed under: Like Don Draper, Tiger Woods has great taste in wives. Like Bill Clinton, he's got awful taste in mistresses. Seriously, we haven't seen this much toolbag arm candy since we were backstage at a Mötley Crüe reunion show a couple years ago. (Don't ask.)
Check their resumes, and we're betting 85% of them are Girls Gone Wild alumnae, classes of, oh, 1999-2002.
MB's #1 rule for picking mistresses: Do not count on a woman with fake boobs, fake nails, and fake hair color to be discrete.
MB's #2 rule for picking mistresses: If more than 50% of your side dishes have stripper names (Jaimee, Kalika, Cori, etc.), make sure you have a bulletproof pre-nup.
Top: Tiger signals his intent to spawn by taping large salmon to chest. The ladies love it!
1. Rachel Uchitel
2. Jaimee Grubbs
3. Kalika Moquin
4. Mindy Lawton. (We don't get this one. Is it possible she's banging some other guy named Tiger Woods?)
5. Jamie Jungers
6. Cori Rist
7. Holly Sampson
8. Artist depiction of Mistress #8. You know she's coming any minute, along with #9, #10 ... soon he'll have 18 holes.
(Memo to Jon Gosselin: Step up your game, because it looks like Tiger wants your Toolbag of the Millenium crown, and you know there's no one more clutch when a title is on the line.) posted:12.8.09 filed under: French first lady Carla Bruni. Spectacular Bitch par excellence.Q: I was talking to my girlfriend today about MB and she mentioned that she wished there was a version of MB for women. I was curious as to whether you folks had ever thought about finding some fabulous ladies to run a sister site with a similar style?
--Mark
A: Funny you should ask, Mark. We're diligently working on our sister site, spectacularbitch.com. Okay, we're not diligently working on it. But we're working on it. Check back in in early 2010, and we should at least have the website equivalent of Carla Bruni's top. In other words, not a lot of substance, perhaps, but loads and loads of style. posted:11.11.09 filed under: Q: After following your advice, my success with women has gone from about 5% to nearly 50%. It seems to have been the missing piece. Thank you! This is until recently. I was talking to a girl who loved my outfit at my favorite bar. She said it looked like I didn't even try, it just worked. At this time, a female bartender interjected that this look was my angle. The conversation was over. The bartender observed that on her own. Short of finding another bar, what suggestions do you have?
--Ken
A: A cock-blocking bartender is even worse than a cock-blocking wingman -- you're not tipping your buddy, after all. But if you've really got the "not trying thing" down, and the bartender was female, maybe she was cootch-blocking the girl you were trying to pick up. Find out fast. If the answer's "yes," your favorite bar just became a terrible place to pick up women but a great place to get free drinks. If the answer's "no," try humor. The next time the bartender interrupts your game with some play-by-play analysis, say: "Jesus, mom, back off. Can't you see I'm trying to get laid here?" posted:10.12.09 filed under:For the first time in over 20 years, my husband went out and bought clothes, confidently and without me, and I actually liked everything he brought home. He looks smashing. Thanks, MB.
--Heather
A: Heather, we're pleased you love your husband's new wardrobe and trust his mistress feels the same way. posted:8.10.09 filed under:Q: As a responsible citizen, I want to know how I can do my part to put a stop to a blemish on our society. How can I help put a stop to the way-past-due trend of women wearing Ugg boots? It was one thing 3yrs ago, but now it's down-right objectionable. Don't we as patrons of MBness have an obligation to right the ladies in our lives of this horror?
—Mark
A: Right on, Mark. Ugg? Ugh! Unfortunately in some places (LA in particular) Uggs have crossed over into basics, which is bullshit given their meteoric rise. Anything going up that high, that fast needs to crash and burn, with no survivors. (See zubaz.)
Anyhow, it's probably a little extreme to throw paint or tomatoes at them like those PETA freaks toss at fur, so perhaps gently recommend they get with it and upgrade to anything apres ski from Tecnica, like this
furry moon boot. posted:12.6.07 filed under: via Tobi. $190.00.We're guys, see, and we notice -- and love -- this type of thing.
Material: 98% cotton, 2% elastane
Wash: Creek Resin
Inseam: 34"
Rise: 7"
Temperature: Flaming Hot
posted:10.10.07 filed under:
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