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Facepainting & foam fingers are not you. A belt made of NFL football leather is. Understated fanaticism FTW!
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Built to look great forever — even if you live to 300
Dress like a toolbag
See also, Top 10 Ways to Look Like a Total Toolbag
Take a cart
Mixing in a salad and walking 18 holes could really help you out, fatty.
Stand behind a player while he's putting
If you got a little closer you'd have an even better look at the line.
Eat sunflower seeds
Leave these for the next time you're in a dugout.
You made a 12-footer for par. That's terrific. Now act like you've done it before.
Use a rangefinder
"It's 144 to carry the water, 152 to the hole, 163 to rear bunker." Dude, if you were that good you'd be on a tour.
Use a cellphone
The POTUS cut his round short rather than use on-course communications before the raid on Osama Bin Laden. You think that call from your wife can wait a few hours?
Fill rocks glass with ice. Pour in scotch, vermouth, bitters. Stir. Garnish, if you must, with a lemon twist.
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