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Facepainting & foam fingers are not you. A belt made of NFL football leather is. Understated fanaticism FTW!
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Built to look great forever — even if you live to 300
Dress like a toolbag
See also, Top 10 Ways to Look Like a Total Toolbag
Take a cart
Mixing in a salad and walking 18 holes could really help you out, fatty.
Stand behind a player while he's putting
If you got a little closer you'd have an even better look at the line.
Eat sunflower seeds
Leave these for the next time you're in a dugout.
You made a 12-footer for par. That's terrific. Now act like you've done it before.
Use a rangefinder
"It's 144 to carry the water, 152 to the hole, 163 to rear bunker." Dude, if you were that good you'd be on a tour.
Use a cellphone
The POTUS cut his round short rather than use on-course communications before the raid on Osama Bin Laden. You think that call from your wife can wait a few hours?
Soak the sugar cube with the bitters and place in the bottom of a highball glass. Mash with the back of a spoon (or muddler, which we hope has not been used to make a Mojito), add the rye whiskey and fill the glass with ice. Stir for about 30 seconds and then strain into another lowball glass that has been rinsed with Absinthe and filled about halfway with ice. Garnish with a lemon twist.
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