Magnificent Bastard

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

hairstyles

Paul Fussell Memorial Week — Elite Looks

Paul Fussell Memorial Week — Elite Looks
It's been a week since Paul Fussell died and we've mourned the best way we know how: by re-reading Class for what we believe is either the 30th or 31st time since its publication in 1983 (we read it at least once a year). No, obit writers, Fussell's masterpiece is not The Great War and Modern Memory, which won the National Book Award in 1976 and we're convinced is a very good book; it's Class, his sagacious, hilarious examination of social class in America.

We think so highly of this book that we've made it required reading for family, any prospective SO, even for prospective acquaintances with whom interactions have gone beyond "hi." If you receive this book as a gift from us — and we gift it often — consider it an invitation to a club where "What would Fussell say?" is the secret handshake.

For the rest of the week we're pulling our favorite bits from Class because, well, it helps us deal with this loss.

Fussell on elite male and female looks in the U.S.:

It requires women to be thin, with a hairstyle dating back eighteen or twenty years or so. (The classiest women wear their hair for a lifetime in exactly the style they affected in college.) They wear superbly fitting dresses and expensive but always understated shoes and handbags, with very little jewelry. They wear scarves—these instantly betoken class, because they are useless except as a caste mark. Men should be thin. No jewelry at all. No cigarette case. Moderate-length hair, never dyed or tinted, which is a middle-class or high-prole sign, as the practice of President Reagan indicates. Never a hairpiece, a prole usage. (High and mid-proles call them rugs, mats, or doilies. Calling them toops is low-prole. Both women's and men's elite looks are achieved by a process of rejection—of the current, the showy, the superfluous. Thus the rejection of fat by the elite.

Donald Trump: Network First

Donald Trump: Network First
Yesterday Donald Trump announced he isn't running for president.

We didn't realize Trump's run was an either/or proposition between leading the country and giving up his Celebrity Apprentice gig. After all, President Obama finds time to golf every weekend — why couldn't Trump just tape his show on Saturdays?

But apparently his bosses at NBC don't want the host of one of the network's few successful franchises spending any time solutioneering issues like Social Security and health care when more pressing matters of state are at hand — like whether or not to fire Meat Loaf. And given that Trump makes rougly six and half times more money for a single episode of Celebrity Apprentice than President Obama makes in a year, it was easy to see which way the wind was blowing on this one.

Decoding Julian Assange's Hair

Decoding Julian Assange's Hair

Sweden wants to lock up WikiLeaks muckraker Julian Assange for blowing his whistle without a condom. The U.S. wants him for data-rape. Supposedly he's sequestered in a U.K. jail cell for the time being, but with Assange can you really ever be sure? His hair is like a Swiss Army knife of disguise. In limp noodle mode, it turns him into B-list bad guy Julian Sands. Seconds later, he's pop art cipher Andy Warhol or America's favorite Ladies Lady Ellen DeGeneres.

So is that really him on lockdown, or are the Brits maybe holding 007 by mistake?

Julian Assange Julian Sands
The Euro-Mullet
Julian Assange Neal Patrick Harris
Doogie Nights
Julian Assange Andy Warhol
The Mop Top
Julian Assange Hermey the Elf
Santa's Little Hacker
Julian Assange Ellen Degeneres
Tipped Off
Julian Assange Daniel Craig
The Quantum of Pompous

UGG! Tom Brady's Bad Hair Day

Tom Brady during Super Bowl XLII, February 3, 2008
Tom Brady during Super Bowl XLII, February 3, 2008
Turns out Tom Brady's Giselle-demanded, Bieberian locks are less fashion statement and more highly-coiffed combover. The increasingly reliable National Enquirer reports Brady's car was spotted outside Leonard Hair Transplant Associates in Cranston, R.I., on Nov. 9. That's the office of Dr. Robert Leonard, who calls himself "New England's foremost authority on hair restoration" (or just "Hair Doctor" for short).

Dude's going bald.

Longtime readers of this site knew that nearly three years ago, as we identified Brady's emerging bald spot during his team's loss to the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLII (pictured) and claimed it signaled the end of the Patriots dynasty.

In far more disturbing Tom Brady news, he's now in "partnership" with UGG and admits he's "worn and loved the UGG brand for a long time."

Ask the MB: Rocker Hair

Ask the MB: Rocker Hair
So I'm 22 and in a band. I used to have long hair when I was around 18 but have since gone for a look more ... bastardly. The hair is getting kind of shaggy again and I'm told I should let it grow. I figured I'd clear it with the MB before doing something that could put my aspiring MB status into hot water. I was thinking something along the lines of Johnny Depp, but how does an MB look rock and roll while still being an MB? I'm no stranger to the €50 haircut so maintenance isn't an issue but I'm just not sure if I'll be rocking like a bastard or a magnificent flop.
--Danny


A: Danny, this really depends on the quality of your band. If your band sucks, you'll only force Johnny Depp to get a crew-cut in order to avoid embarrassing comparisons. If your band rocks, any long style will work, no €50 haircuts necessary.

Ask the MB: Going Gray

Ask the MB: Going Gray
Q: How does the MB view going gray or in my case white around the temples? Must I go to a salon for a pro dye job or are there any good product that I can use at home?
--John


A: Neither! Graying temples are like an accessory from God. Rock 'em while you can, like George Clooney did 10 years ago (top). And as the gray takes over the rest of your mane, resist your temptation for coloration. Going gray naturally is the MB way. Dyeing is best left to Las Vegas performers and Billy Mays.

Ask the MB: Hair Product

Ask the MB: Hair Product
Q: My stylist recommended American Crew Forming Cream as a "product" to keep my do in check. However, in these tough economic times, $15 for less than four ounces of goop seems like a luxury I cannot afford. Are there cheaper alternatives to this product out there?
--Ed


A: Well, you could try Twilight heartthrob and new "It" guy Robert Pattinson's approach and not wash your hair for four years. Natural oils combined with dirt provide high hold and shine!

Ed, we're going to be frank. You're getting your hair cut by a stylist -- which is likely running you a minimum of $50 plus tip -- and you're bitching about $15 for product? While we hate their shampoos, American Crew hair cream is probably our all-time favorite grooming product, and that 3.53 oz. container lasts forever. Possibly the best $15 you'll ever spend.

Ask the MB -- Hairstyles and Sport Clips

Ask the MB -- Hairstyles and Sport Clips
Q: The last time I got my hair cut, the stylist (at Sport Clips) suggested that I start wearing it in a faux hawk. Even though I'm still an MB in training, I'm doubtful. So, what is your opinion on hairstyles (and going to Sport Clips)?
--Byron


A: The faux hawk is the urban mullet. Yes, David Beckham can pull it off adequately, but he is David Beckham. Everyone else is simply a sad variation of Martin Short's SNL character, Ed Grimley (inset).

Regarding Sport Clips, all you need to do is look at the picture they use on the "About Sport Clips" page: the man most in need of an MB makeover on the planet. Byron, find yourself a hot young stylist who will shampoo your hair, give you a scalp massage, and not suggest bad hairstyle ideas.

Ask the MB

Ask the MB
Q: It's time for me to look into a new hairstyle, and recently a flat top was suggested. Just wondering what the overall opinion of a flat top is. Is it too meat-head-ish? I'm wondering if the pros think it clashes with good clothes. I tend to pull off short hair very well, so I was seriously considering trying it out. However, I figured I needed to ask the experts before assuming anything.
—Mike


A: Let us state this in the most unequivocal way possible: this is a really, really fucking bad idea. When Hall of Fame defensive lineman and TV star Howie Long can't pull it off, it's likely a sign no one can. Getting this haircut actually lowers your IQ, hence damaging your social standing, your career standing, and any standing with chicks (or at least any chicks of interest). Avoid at all costs, unless you've been drafted, and we ain't talkin' 'bout the NFL.

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