Ask the MB: Coasters

Q: I recently upgraded the desk in my den to a nice hardwood number and realized something while pouring myself a congratulatory drink - I need coasters. A lot has been said about what to drink and when, but what do you put them on? Stone? Wood? Plain glass-sized napkins?
--Adam

A: Adam, the principle of organic materials extends beyond your wardrobe to your home, too, and that definitely includes your choice in coasters. Stone surely qualifies, as does wood, but wood on wood is too matchy-matchy; and cloth napkins, while requiring laundering (and folding), are a tad too tea party.

No, this is your den, your man cave. It's the place where you pay the bills, watch sports, and gaze up at shelves filled with books you haven't read. You need a coaster worthy of your exclusive one-man club, so go for something vintage, hopefully with a few dings, and clearly one of a kind, like this sterling silver version by S. Kirk & Son, a Baltimore silversmith that dates its beginning to 1815.

posted:

8.4.10

filed under:

• housewares
• cocktails
• ask the MB

Coffee Contest Winner

We have a winner in the Bull Run Roasting Coffee Contest. His name is Kevin Forza and he treated us to a bit of poetry:

THE BALLAD OF A LONELY TOOLBAG

She was drinking Magnificent Bastards.
I was getting amazingly plastered.
    Rocking Tommy Bahama,
    I'm like, "Yo, babymama!"
(There are rules I still haven't mastered.)

Congratulations to Kevin. For writing poetry that maybe took 10 minutes he's won a year's supply of Magnificent Bastard "Morning After" Roast, two cool coffee mugs, and a Hario grinder. Enjoy, Kevin. We like your sense of humor and we sure hope you're kidding about rocking Tommy Bahama.

posted:

6.18.10

filed under:

• coffee contest
• toolbag
• cocktails

Ask the MB: Champagne for Spectacular Bitch Date

Q: You've touched on various cocktails and drinks of choice for MBs everywhere, but you have yet to mention The Magnificent Bastard champagne of choice for a special night with a Spectacular Bitch. What do you guys think?
--Andre

A: Andre, we've previously covered this issue with our highly scientific champagne chart, and it applies to your outing with an SB. Take note: the more she skews towards the B side of the SB spectrum, pay closer attention to the x axis of our chart.

posted:

5.10.10

filed under:

• ask the MB
• cocktails
• chicks

Contact the MB: Bars that Serve the MB Cocktail

Q: The cocktail contest was a sheer success. My local bar is buzzing about the drink; it's possibly the best form of advertising you could have done! Thanks. ("Two more MBs, please" - Me)
--William

A: William, thanks for your note. We're glad to hear your bar of choice stocks all the ingredients an MB cocktail requires. Let us know its name and location, and we'll add it to a nationwide directory we're compiling of establishments that serve MBs.

Public service announcement: We'd like to create an extensive directory. If you have a favorite bar where you've ordered our signature cocktail, please share this info with us. Send us its name, city/state, and a note or two about what makes it a great place to drink MBs.

posted:

5.4.10

filed under:

• contact
• cocktails
• mb cocktail contest

Ask the MB: Cocktail Shaker

Q: I have purchased the ingredients to make a Magnificent Bastard, but confused about the instructions requiring a mixing glass filled with ice. Why do you mix in an ice-filled glass, then move it to another ice filled glass?
--Greg

A: Greg, you say you bought the booze an MB requires, so we're assuming that you're 21 or older -- but are you new to cocktails?

We're talking about a glass shaker here, not any old glass. As The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks author David Embury explains, metal is a better conductor of heat than glass, so you will drink less diluted cocktails if you use a glass shaker.

The problem is finding a good one. For something with character, our first stop is eBay (principle of archaism). But if you're really thirsty and want to drink sooner rather than later, Pottery Barn (yeah, that Pottery Barn) sells a simply designed, thick glass shaker with a tight-fitting metal top for $24.00 that mixes great-tasting MBs. Until today's shaker manufacturers start mass-producing Austrian 800 silver & cut glass cocktail shakers, it will have to do.

posted:

4.20.10

filed under:

• ask the MB
• cocktails
• the fine art of mixing drinks

Stockpile Angostura Bitters Before It's Too Late!

Has it only been a week since we chose the winning MB Cocktail? We feel like we've been drinking them for years already. And here in Pulaski, we fear we're putting a serious dent into the local supplies of Bulleit, Apfelkorn, and Angostura bitters. (We're OK on the Laphroaig 10-year, since the MB Cocktail requires just an 1/8 oz per serving.)

The Angostura pipeline is especially iffy. This old-school bitters, the yellow-topped one we used to pass over while pillaging Dad's liquor cabinet in the '90s, is in short supply worldwide due to an ingredient shortage and "financial restructuring" at House of Angostura.

No way you should let a lack of gentian root or the global financial crisis curb your thirst for Bryan Swanson's delicious contribution to humanity. So grab Angostura while you can, and grab a lot. A pallet of the stuff recently arrived at KegWorks and we've already secured a case for our immediate needs. And if things get really dire, there's always Dad's liquor cabinet. But he sleeps with a shotgun next to the bed and frankly he's getting a little jumpy as he gets on in years. Ordering through KegWorks is the safest bet.

posted:

4.12.10

filed under:

• cocktails
• mb cocktail contest

A hundred years from now, will the iPad be known only as the second most revolutionary invention to make its debut during the first week of April 2010? We'd like to think so, but then again, we're still kind of drunk.

After seven weeks of pitting 32 cocktails against each other in head-to-head combat, we've finally got a winner: Bryan Swanson's Magnificent Bastard cocktail. See complete details.

We toast all who submitted entries, all who judged, and our sponsor KegWorks. Stay tuned for our next contest, which will, at the insistence of our synapses, involve coffee as well as alcohol.

posted:

4.6.10

filed under:

• mb cocktail contest
• cocktails
• features

Contact the MB: Cocktail Obsession

The obnoxious obsession with drinks is PLAYED OUT. GET OVER IT.
--Jason

Jason, this is not an obnoxious obsession. This is a quest to invent the first great cocktail since the Sidecar (1918). In other words, as Joe Biden might say, it's a big fucking deal.

(Winner announced Monday, April 5.)

posted:

3.30.10

filed under:

• contact
• cocktails

MB Endorses: Fee Brothers Whiskey Barrel-Aged Bitters

Two entries that made the cut into the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest called for dashes of Fee Brothers Whiskey Barrel-Aged Bitters. This was harder to get our hands on than an anorexic stripper in a vat of baby oil. To the rescue came fourth-generation owner Joe Fee, who sent us a bottle of the 2010 vintage weeks before its release to the general public. (Incidentally, the two aforementioned drinks advanced to the Sweet 16). In a couple weeks you'll be able to pick up this distinctive, strictly limited edition aged aromatic bitters at contest sponsor KegWorks. Ignore any impulse toward restraint when procuring this stuff. When it's gone, it's gone.

Cocktail Contest Update: Tomorrow night there are 8 more matchups, which will leave only the Elite Eight. Winners of this round to be posted on Saturday, March 13.

posted:

3.10.10

filed under:

• cocktails
• mb endorses

The Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest -- Tournament Bracket Set

There was such a positive response to the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest we needed to pre-screen the entries in order to achieve the desired number for a single-elimination bracket tournament. Some we could dismiss out-of-hand simply because they either did not qualify as a cocktail or were so insipid they deserve public ridicule, a service which we plan on providing in coming days.

For the remainder, we performed an initial taste test. After a lot of muddling, shaking, straining, and slurring, we narrowed the field down to the 32 best cocktail entries. Check 'em out and feel free to play along at home. The first games start this Thursday, February 11, with the winner to be crowned April 5.

posted:

2.8.10

filed under:

• cocktails

MB Your Bar

If you want to play 18 holes at Kastle Park Go-Karts and Mini-Golf (in Green Bay, WI, real close to our office), a putter alone will suffice. If you aspire to Pebble Beach, you need a few more clubs in your arsenal. So it is with alcohol. Any man who aims to spend at least 25% of his ample leisure time with a drink in hand needs a full set of tools. To ensure that you've got everything you need, we've enlisted the help of the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest sponsor KegWorks to help Magnificent Bastardize your bar.

Item	Ordinary Bar	MB Bar	Why
Cocktail Shaker	Standard 3-piece Metal Shaker	25.5 oz. Glass Shaker	Indigenous to liquor bottle gift sets and department store "entertaining" aisles, the average metal shaker is prone to becoming a hard-to-open frustration. There are also immutable laws of physics at work that call for glass shakers.
Citrus Juice Extractor	Hand Squeezer	Heavy-Duty Juicer	Hand squeezers require excessive effort and you may end up with pulp and/or seeds in your drink. With the pull of a lever, the chromed-out zinc alloy juicer gives you fresh citrus juice without the "extras."
Cutlery for Garnishes	Paring Knife	Channel Knife - Peeler and Zester	Sure, paring knives will cut things - then again, so will rusty box cutters. If you're serious about preparing cocktails the right way, you'll invest in a zester specifically designed to peel citrus. When cut with the right tool your lemons, limes and oranges will release fresh oils and ideal flavor into your drink.
Measuring Tool	Shot Glasses	Jiggers	Consistent drinks call for consistent measurements. Shot glasses are usually an ounce but for any other measurement, you'll be eyeballing it. Jiggers have precisely measured cones on either end to make sure you always get it right.
Stirring Utensil	Plastic Stir Sticks	Stainless Steel Bar Spoon	Go ahead, try to layer shots, stir a large tumbler or fish cocktail onions out of the jar with a plastic stir stick.

posted:

1.22.10

filed under:

• cocktails

Ask the MB: Dock Drink

Q: In the header photo, what's in the cocktail glass the MB is holding, and how many did the lady by the loading dock have?
--Jeff

A: The MB is drinking Dewar's neat. There was no ice available on the set, but we consume it this way often anyhow. In fact, if we were stranded on a desert island (or maybe an island off the coast of Scotland) with a single spirit, it would be Dewar's, not just for its flavor, but for its versatility.

The woman in the pic came to the shoot straight (as far as we know) though a belt or two wouldn't have hurt for the header photos you are about to see.

Ed. note: If you are a woman reading this and have an interest in appearing in an upcoming MB.com header photo, drop us a line.

posted:

1.15.10

filed under:

• ask the MB
• cocktails

The Right Cocktail Shaker

And now it's time for another excerpt from David A. Embury's canonic 1948 cocktail book "The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks." Buying the right shaker can make all the difference between a good drink and a great one. Keep that in mind as you stir (or shake) up a recipe for entry into the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest. Deadline for entry is just 17 days away.

Good cocktail shakers can be obtained in all manner of sizes, shapes, and materials. Since metal is a better conductor of heat than glass and, therefore, the ice in a metal shaker will melt and dilute the drinks quicker than in a glass shaker, I recommend glass shakers, but with tight-fitting metal tops. The opening of the glass shaker should be large enough to take large ice cubes with ease; the opening of the metal top from which the drink is poured should be small and the construction should should be such that there will be no leakage between the shaker and the top and no drip from the top after pouring. Be sure the top is tight enough not to fly off either in shaking or in pouring, but as an extra precaution always hold one hand on the shaker and one on the top during both operations.

Chill the shaker well before using, either by leaving it in the refrigerator for a half-hour or by partially filling it with cracked ice. This ice should be discarded before mixing the cocktail. The heavier the glass in your shaker, the longer it will take to chill it, but the longer the drinks in it will stay cold and undiluted.

posted:

1.14.10

filed under:

• the fine art of mixing drinks
• cocktails

Cocktail Ingredients

A few weeks ago, to help guide folks towards constructing a winning concoction for the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest, we excerpted from David A. Embury's canonic 1948 book "The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks." Time now for another installment: Cocktail Ingredients.

Every cocktail, properly so called, must contain two different types of ingredients. It also may, but need not necessarily, contain a third type. They are:

1. A base;
2. A modifying, smoothing, or aromatizing agent;
3. Additional special flavoring and coloring ingredients.

Let us consider them in order.

1. The Base   This is the fundamental and distinguishing ingredient of the cocktail and must always comprise more than 50 per cent of the entire volume. Indeed, with a few rare exceptions it should constitute from 75 per cent of total volume upward. Strictly speaking, the base must always consist of spirituous liquors – whisky, gin, rum, brandy, etc. [...] Within certain limits, however, it is possible to combine two (perhaps even more, but this is dangerous) liquors as a base. [...] ...the indiscriminate mixture of three or four or five different liquors is practically certain to destroy the distinguishing flavor and aroma of all and produce a result about as palatable as a blend of castor oil and gasoline.

2. The Modifying Agent   It is difficult to find a word that exactly describes this ingredient (or group of ingredients) and, for want of a better term, I have called it the modifying agent or modifier. It is this ingredient, in combination with the base of spirituous liquor, which characterizes the cocktail. Without this ingredient the base, no matter how violently shaken and how thoroughly chilled, would still not be a cocktail but would remain merely chilled liquor. Its function is to smooth down the biting sharpness of the raw liquor and, at the same time, to point up and add character to its natural flavor.

[...]

3. Special Flavoring and Coloring Agents   These include all the various cordials or liqueurs, which will be discussed later, as well as non-alcoholic fruit syrups. [...] Of all the factors involved in the mixing of cocktails, flavoring agents are undoubtedly the most abused. [...] These special flavoring agents should be measured by drops or dashes, not by ponies or jiggers. [...] Whenever you see a recipe calling for equal parts of rum, brandy, Cointreau, curaçao, and Benedictine, with a dash of absinthe, shun it as you would the very devil.

posted:

1.5.10

filed under:

• the fine art of mixing drinks
• cocktails

MB Endorses: Luxardo Gourmet Maraschino Cherries

With any luck the inlaws have finally cleared out and you can un-hide your top-shelf booze and condiments. The latter should include Luxardo gourmet maraschino cherries. There's nothing more wrong than topping off a finely-mixed drink with a cherry that's better suited for a kiddie cocktail.

Keep that in mind as you prepare your submission to the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest. Winner to receive a $500 shopping spree from KegWorks. You've got exactly 31 days until the deadline, so get mixin'.

posted:

12.30.09

filed under:

• mb endorses
• cocktails

Contact the MB: Drinking Books

I read and enjoy your blog daily. Many thanks for great advice and especially the great laughs.

I note your reference to "The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks" by David Embury. Another book that should be on hand at every MB's personal bar is "Everyday Drinking: the Distilled Kingsley Amis". The book discusses everything from cocktails to hangovers to dealing with boorish louts.
--Dino

posted:

12.11.09

filed under:

• cocktails
• contact

Six Most Important Attributes of a Cocktail

For the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest, we strongly suggested brushing up on David A. Embury's canonic 1948 book "The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks." If you don't have your copy handy, we're going to provide excerpts over the next few weeks as a framework for constructing a winning cocktail. Today, the six most important attributes of a cocktail:

1. It must whet the appetite, not dull it. This first basic requirement of a good cocktail automatically eliminates a host of over-sweetened, over-fruit-juiced, over-egged, and over-creamed concoctions customarily found in books of cocktail recipes. For example, while an Alexander, like a glass of good port wine, may be a delightful midafternoon drink accompanying cake or chocolate cookies, nevertheless, in the sense of a pre-prandial apértif, it is definitely not a cocktail.

2. It should stimulate the mind as well as the appetite. The well-made cocktail is one of the most gracious of drinks. It pleases the senses. The shared delight of these who partake in common of this refreshing nectar breaks the ice of formal reserve. Taut nerves relax; taut muscles relax; tired eyes brighten; tongues loosen; friendships deepen; the whole world becomes a better place in which to live. But don't expect these results if you serve bitter drinks, syrupy drinks, watery drinks, or drinks that taste like reconditioned tin.

3. It must be pleasing to the palate. In order that a cocktail may satisfy both requirements 1 and 3, it must be dry (i.e., not sweet), yet smooth. Indeed in compounding a cocktail, the first thought should be the production of a drink sufficiently dry to wake up and energize the taste buds, yet not so sour or so bitter or so aromatic as to be unpalatable.

4. It must be pleasing to the eye. This requires no conscious effort, yet I have seen Martinis that looked like dishwater just recovering from a bad case of jaundice and Manhattans that resembled nothing else quite so much as rusty sludge from the radiator of a Model-T Ford.

5. It must have sufficient alcoholic flavor to be readily distinguishable from papaya juice, yet must not assault the palate with the force of an atomic bomb.

6. Finally, (and remember I am speaking now of cocktails only and not apértif wines) it must be well iced. Of this, more later.

posted:

12.10.09

filed under:

• the fine art of mixing drinks
• cocktails

The Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest

It's been 91 years since a classic cocktail was invented (Sidecar, 1918) and we believe it's time for a new drink to take its place alongside such legendary balms as the Rob Roy and the martini. That, and we're thirsty.

So we're embarking on a quest to invent the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail, and we need your help. Submit a drink recipe and be entered in a single-elimination taste-off tournament, to conclude on April 5, 2010. The winner will receive a $500 shopping spree at KegWorks, a great place to either Magnificent Bastard-ize your bar, or pick up a polished stainless steel stripper pole. Or both.

So get out your muddlers, your jiggers, your strainers. Stock up on bitters, mixers, garnishes, and some top-shelf booze. Then get to work. All entries must be submitted by January 31, 2010. Check the contest page for more information, including judging criteria and tips for winning. Good luck!

posted:

12.2.09

filed under:

• cocktails

MBartender: The Clear and Present Danger of the Holidays

If you're a strict follower of our Cocktail Color Changing Guide, by this time of the year you will have downed enough Scotch to keep a small importer in business. Due to either the desire to try something new or constant badgering at holiday gatherings, in a moment of weakness you may even be tempted to try some warmed-over seasonal concoction. Don't fall victim to what is more or less the MB's version of a seasonal affective disorder (SAD)!

Here are some simple rules for when to avoid a seasonal drink:

* It contains enough eggs or dairy products that it would make a better omelet than cocktail
* Its name sounds like a line from a Christmas carol
* It looks like you'd need a spoon, or maybe even a knife and fork, to get it down
* The host appears to be completing their annual purge of their spice rack into your mug

If you must have a hot or seasonal drink, try a basic Hot Toddy, which an MB prefers (or given the gathering, needs) to be a little heavy on the booze.

Basic MB Hot Toddy
2 shots cognac (or high-quality brandy)
1 tablespoon honey
1 teaspoon lemon juice
hot water to taste

Put this all in a warm mug and stir until the honey dissolves. Garnish with a twist of lemon. (See our guide to lemon twists.)

Cuddle up next to a fireplace and with someone who is as warm and cozy, and you're ready for the holidays. (See our previous sexy female Santa photo shoot.)

posted:

11.30.09

filed under:

• cocktails

Tip the MB: Remember the Maine

If you enjoy a good whiskey drink, how about the Remember the Maine? Totally old school, great for the fall, and a drink named after a battle cry? Not too shabby.
--Juany

A: We heartily endorse the Remember the Maine, though we'd feel a lot better about the cocktail if the Spanish had actually been responsible for sinking her.

Anyhow, after some Googling we came across a pretty excellent video from the LA Times Magazine demonstrating how to make a Remember the Maine, by Eric Alperin of The Varnish, a new speakeasy on Sixth St. in downtown Los Angeles. (Skip the atomizer, however, and simply swirl the absinthe. Definitely TTH.)

Ed. note: We will soon be embarking on the quest to create the Magnificent Bastard, a cocktail that will one day take its place alongside such legendary balms as the Rob Roy and the martini. And we'll need your help. Stay tuned for details.

posted:

10.30.09

filed under:

• cocktails
• tip the mb

Ask the MB: White Russian

Q: After your recent "Are You a Cocktail Toolbag" I got to thinking about my favourite cocktail. How MB is my cocktail of choice - a White Russian?
--Steve

A: Of course the most famous drinker of White Russians is The Dude, man. And while we strongly endorse his attitude towards authority, drinking, drug use, casual sex, and work-life balance, we just cannot get behind the White Russian -- it's far too sweet to be a daily drinker. If you find yourself out of Pepto Bismol, however, it does make for a good emergency digestive.

posted:

10.22.09

filed under:

• ask the MB
• cocktails

Pop Quiz: Are You a Cocktail Toolbag?

Take this quiz and see:

1) Look at the bottle you get most of your hard liquor from.

2) Does it have a donkey or a seafaring male airing out his crotch on it?

3) If so, you're a toolbag.

posted:

10.14.09

filed under:

• toolbag
• cocktails

Tip the MB: Prairie Oyster

In reference to a recent question regarding breakfast drinks, may I suggest a Prairie Oyster? The mix of egg yolk and vinegar to fine cognac qualifies as senseless lack of utility, and also as Anglophilia, thumbing one's nose at fine French cognac tradition. Some may argue that the Prairie Oyster is strictly a hangover cure, but if one is not hungover every breakfast in Hawaii, well, they don't really deserve to be there do they?

Prairie Oyster (from David Embury's Fine Art of Mixing Drinks)

1 oz Cognac
1 tbsp Vinegar
1 tbsp Worcestershire
1 tsp Catsup
1 tsp Angostura Bitters

Drop the yolk of an egg into the mixture, add a small dash of cayenne. Swallow, without breaking the yolk of the egg.

--RL

posted:

8.20.09

filed under:

• cocktails
• tip the mb

Ask the MB: Hawaiian Drinks

Q: What's an MB's breakfast drink? Mimosas seem unbastardly, so what are we to have with our mid morning breakfast when we're sailing in Hawaii?
--Tripp

A: Tripp, a few thoughts:

1. Mimosas are for women.
2. While we've given lukewarm special dispensation for Tommy Bahama camp shirts while on the Hawaiian Islands, we don't for Hawaiian Island-y cocktails while you're there. Continental U.S. cocktail rules still apply: no blenders, no pastels, no straws, no flowers, and absolutely positively no umbrellas.
3. Make it a Bloody Mary. And easy on the bloody.

posted:

8.17.09

filed under:

• hawaii
• cocktails
• ask the MB

Ask the MB: Lunch Pail

Q: Is there a MB way to carry one's lunch to work (retro tin lunchbox, insulated bag, brown bag, grocery bag, etc.)? Please enlighten me.
--Bryan

A: If you are getting to work before lunch, you are working too hard. If in fact you are working that hard, at least treat yourself to a nice leisurely meal at a restaurant, with a waitress. If you can't afford a restaurant, then we suggest you bring your lunch to work in a bottle of Dewar's.

posted:

6.29.09

filed under:

• ask the MB
• cocktails

Ask the MB: Beer on the Golf Course

Q: What is the MB stance on drinking beer on the golf course? I like beer as much as the next guy and have been known to enjoy a beer during a round. But I turned a buddy down during a recent round when he asked if I wanted one. Aside from any possible negative effects on my score, the reason was that I realized that about 95% of the people I see drinking beer on the course exhibit all the symptoms of a toolbag (cargo shorts, untucked shirts, Oakleys, taking way too long, etc.). So I came to the conclusion that, while drinking beer while playing may not be inherently toolbag, it becomes toolbag by association.

So what says the MB? Is drinking beer on the course ever acceptable? If not, is there an acceptable alternative alcoholic beverage?
--Brett

A: Brett, you started off by asking a question, and then, after some toolbag observation and deductive reasoning, answered it on your own, correctly. Well done. As for Part 2 of your question, we never drink on the golf course as it negatively affects performance, again, as you observe. However, once we putt out on 18 it's a stampede to the bar that's sometimes a potentially life-threatening The Who-like experience.

posted:

6.1.09

filed under:

• ask the MB
• cocktails
• golf
• toolbag

MBartender: The MB's Moustache Guide to Lemon Twists

A well-placed lemon twist is the MB's garnish of choice for a martini and many other cocktails. [See our complete cocktails channel.] Lately we've seen a growing trend of rather bizarre looking ones being floated our way. Here's a simple, yet accurate guide to ensure you're going classic with your twist.

Way Too Wide "Waiter, there's a toupee floating in my drink!" This thickness for a moustache has long since been socially unacceptable or comically overused .
Inappropriate Size and Placement Lemon twist meets soul patch. Inappropriate in so many ways.
Too Curly or Thin Your date just lost all respect for you. Were they out of umbrellas?
Too Much Pith Way too thick, man. This Magnum P.I. of a twist translates to being too pithy and bitter.
The MB's Choice Just right. Appropriate thickness. Medium width. A slight curve is fine. Papa would approve.

posted:

5.27.09

filed under:

• cocktails

Cinco de Mayo. Spanish for 'Margarita Day'

It's Cinco de Mayo, which means it's the only day of the year for an MB to consume a margarita. Since margarita mix is to margaritas what Taco Bell is to tacos, avoid like the Mexican flu. Here's how it's done:



MB Endorsed Margarita
2 parts Tequila (must be 100% agave, blanco is fine)
1 part Cointreau
1 part fresh lime juice

Shake all the ingredients and pour into a martini glass, rimmed very lightly with salt.

posted:

5.5.09

filed under:

• cocktails

Ask the MB: How Do You Make a Sheboygan?

Q: You have previously mentioned a drink named the Sheboygan. As a fellow Wisconsinite and someone who can properly pronounce the eponymous city's name, I would like to know how you make it. Any cocktails you might recommend for an upcoming summer spent on a sailboat or at the waterfront would also be appreciated.
--Brian

A: Though the MB usually enjoys a slightly wet, gin martini, he sometimes finds himself out of gin (poor planning, boy) or at a gathering of friends from the South. Of course, South from our offices in Pulaski, WI might only mean as far as Sheboygan, home of America's best bratwurst. This version of a vodka martini gives tribute to Sheboygan, WI, where they might say that one of these makes a good appetizer, two a meal.

posted:

4.22.09

filed under:

• ask the MB
• cocktails

Ask the MB: Spring Cocktail Guide

Q: Spring is here, and I am anxious to leave the miserable winter of 2008-09 behind. But on to more pressing questions. Your cocktail guide for the fall/winter got me through many a winter doldrum. What about spring/summer? Is it just gin & tonic until the leaves change?
--Ed

A: For some, the swallows returning to Capistrano mark the inevitable return of spring. As we look out the windows of our Pulaski, WI offices, we're reintroduced to spring by the return our city's only street sweeper, the Elgin #1 (pictured). The MB should take note of this and realize it's time to clean out your cabinet of the brown liquors of winter, save perhaps a bottle of scotch for your seasonally resilient Rob Roy, as you move from brown to clear liquors. We don't endorse the temptation to throw your dead soldiers into the streets to be swept up.

The most efficient and straightforward strategy to begin your journey is through Manhattanization: mixing any appropriate brown liquor, with a shot or so of vermouth (sweet, dry, or a mix of the two to go perfect), and a dash of bitters. It works for bourbon, scotch, rye whisky, or brandy.

Given the urgency, you may need to introduce a more aggressive approach to ensure you get through your stock of brown liquors before it's time for the clear ones. If this "problem" presents itself, you just need to take adjust your recipe while recalling one of the strangest words from your high school science class: meniscus.

Fill a lowball glass with ice, pour the brown liquor you're trying to polish off to just below the top of glass. Remember, the meniscus will make it appear to be slightly higher at the edge of the glass than in the middle. You need to leave just enough room for that splash of vermouth.

If you have any straight rye whisky, we also strongly suggest mixing up a Sazerac to give yourself some variety during this spring cleaning. Here's the simple, MB endorsed recipe:

Sazerac
3 shots Rye Whisky (or to taste)
1 sugar cube
Peychaud's Bitters
quarter shot of Absinthe
lemon twist

Soak the sugar cube with the bitters and place in the bottom of a highball glass. Mash with the back of a spoon (or muddler, which we hope has not been used to make a Mojito), add the rye whisky and fill the glass with ice. Stir for about 30 seconds and then strain into another lowball glass that has been rinsed with Absinthe and filled about halfway with ice. Garnish with a lemon twist.

posted:

4.10.09

filed under:

• ask the MB
• cocktails

Dewar's All Wet on Rob Roy Recipe

The Rob Roy is an all-time favorite, as is mother's milk Dewar's, but boy are they off base on their Rob Roy recipe. According to Dewar's:

3 parts Dewar's "White Label"
2.5 parts sweet vermouth
2 dashes bitters
2 dashes simple syrup
1 cherry

We're all for adding a little extra vermouth, but this is just too heavy-duty. Plus, with the addition of simple sugar, this version is probably so sweet you could put a stick into it, turn it upright, and then have a Rob Roy lollipop. What a great way to get the kids started!

posted:

3.31.09

filed under:

• cocktails

Magnificent Bartender Endorses: Regans' Orange Bitters

Careful readers of the cocktail posts by the MBartender may have noticed our frequent use of orange bitters, the classic choice for bitters. Unfortunately, the local Pulaski, WI taverns haven't fully embraced the growing trend in upscale bars to brew their own bitters, so we have to rely on what we can get shipped in via FedEx. We reviewed the three orange bitters we are able to have delivered to our northern Wisconsin offices.

Angostura Orange Bitters (right)
The subtle orange taste is overwhelmed by a candy-like cardamom flavor. Certainly acceptable, but you can do better.

Fee Brothers West Indian Orange Bitters (center)
This had the strongest and cleanest orange flavor, but lacked any interesting aromatics. The Jessica Alba of orange bitters? This would be fine for tossing in a few dashes into a strongly flavored drink like a Negroni, but lacks the required complexity to properly enhance a well-structured martini.

Regans' Orange Bitters (left)
We might have given these bitters the nod simply based on the admirable and magnificent quest by Gary Regan to develop the perfect orange bitters. Easy for us, after several attempts and the aid of the Sazerac company, he succeeded. These bitters combine an appealing orange flavor with sophisticated aromatics that feature a pleasant emphasis on caraway. These are the bitters that are going to bring out the depth of flavors in both the premium gin and vermouth in your martini.

posted:

3.24.09

filed under:

• cocktails
• mb endorses

Ask the MB: How Good Does a Scotch Have to Be?

Q: How good does a scotch have to be before an MB won't put it in a Rob Roy and insists on drinking it neat?
--Conrad

A: Conrad, you've asked what seems to be a simple question, but this would send a group of professional bartenders into a quarrel which undoubtedly would need to be settled over a few drinks and possibly some wrestling -- the best way to resolve any disagreement.

As we've mentioned in the past, the toolbags of this world think ordering Dom Perignon during the holidays is a sign of class. They're also probably the type who might order a Courvoisier and Coke. The MB knows how to toe the line (even with a law enforcement officer watching) between ignorant excess and the cocktail version of artful dishevelment.

Some "mixologists" (including Gary Regan), simply think that price should be your guide: if the scotch is north of $100 a bottle or so, you should drink it neat. Fortunately for the MB, you have your own taste and two simple rules as your guide:

1) It's fine to use a scotch up to 12-years old in a Rob Roy
2) Avoid using any scotch that's too peaty (think Laphroaig or Lagavulin)

Of course, if you love the peaty scotches you might be able to find the right blend of sweet or dry vermouth (remember the MB likes his Rob Roy perfect or fully dry, with onion garnish) to make a more-than-acceptable Islay Rob Roy. In this case though, you better have your A-game on, or your date may be calling you "Old Swampy" when you try to get more than just cordial.

posted:

3.11.09

filed under:

• ask the MB
• cocktails
• scotch
• artful dishevelment

Ask the MB: Scotch Accessorization

Q: I bought my boyfriend a 25 year bottle of Glenmorangie for his birthday, but I wasn't sure what else I should include. Would a set of granite scotch rocks fall into the realm of toolbag? Should I stick to the more traditional crystal glasses? (Or is there a better gift to pair with the scotch?)
--Natalya

A: Natalya, your hunch on granite scotch rocks is dead on. They're like pet rocks for alcoholic toolbags, though in the case of a $750 bottle of booze, certainly better than using actual ice. Go for a pair of the traditional crystal glasses if you must, though we can think of a better pair to pair with the Glenmorangie.

posted:

2.26.09

filed under:

• ask the MB
• cocktails

Ask the MB: Last Call Cocktail

Q: First, thanks for clarifying the difference between a decent cocktail and a great one. It's changed the way I drink.

But I wanted to know what should be ordered when drinking isn't an option. I don't mean the basics. I'm assuming the coffee is always black, the water is never branded, and the drink, given the choice, is never bottled. What I mean is that time where you want to stay a few extra minutes at the bar, but another would put you over the limit. What do you ask for?
--John (from the UK)

A: Generally, what we'd ask for is the check, but it sounds like you're looking for advice on how to keep sipping on something when you might have a good reason to hang around for a few more minutes at the bar.

Did she have a nice pair of cans?

The simple choice is tonic water with a twist. Usually, though, this might mean sucking down something that just recently saw the inside of a hose. We're not cattle! Being from the UK, you should be able to find the best choice in tonic: Fever-Tree. For those in the states, Q Tonic is becoming more widely available. And yes, we strongly suggest demanding one of these premium tonics the next time your bartender mixes up a gin and tonic.

But why go cold turkey? The goal is to keep your blood-alcohol level down, not put your kidneys into shock. Try something tasteful with far less alcohol than the your usual, three-shot Rob Roy. That's where one of our favorites, the Americano, comes in. Order this heavy on the soda and you'll have an enjoyable, not overly boozy option when slowly winding down your evening.

Classic Americano
3 parts Campari
3 parts sweet vermouth (Noilly Pratt)
splash of soda water
dash of orange bitters

Give a quick shake, pour over ice in a Collins glass, garnish with an orange peel.

MB "Last Call" Americano
1 part Campari
1 part sweet vermouth (Noilly Pratt)
3 parts soda water
dash of orange bitters

Pour all ingredients over ice, stir briskly, garnish with an orange peel.

posted:

12.12.08

filed under:

• ask the MB
• cocktails

Ask the MB: Winter Martini

Q: Love your site and you are right on with the boot and tucked in pants deal. My question is about where a gin martini fits in your MB seasonal drink chart. Winter is bourbon and scotch season certainly, but an icy martini does have its place too as the weather gets cold and dark in my opinion. Your thoughts?
--Bradley

A: Regular readers of our site know that the Rob Roy is the MB's year-round drink of choice, but a gin martini is certainly more than acceptable alternative when you need a break from a seasonal overabundance of the brown liquors.

The MB version of the classic martini has a bastardly nod toward the classic origins of the cocktail (dash of orange bitters) but also a magnificent nod to getting the taste right above all else (appropriate amount of vermouth, because the flavor complexity is required, and a slight shaking, because the dilution with water brings out a better aroma and flavor). The modern obsession with an overly dry martini shows little knowledge of what the cocktail needs to deliver. (Sorry Mr. Churchill.)

Going Bradford (i.e. giving it a shake), is where the MB wants to be, though he appreciates the stance of the purists who advocate only stirring. Also, the Gibson version (with a cocktail onion garnish) isn't frowned upon.

MB Gin Martini
4 parts gin (Plymouth or Boodles)
1 part dry vermouth (Noilly Pratt)
dash of Regans' orange bitters

Give the gin, vermouth, and bitters a quick shake. Serve up with a lemon twist.

posted:

12.9.08

filed under:

• ask the MB
• cocktails

Magnificent Bartender: Rusty Nail

Here at our Pulaski, WI offices the leaves are already off with a sudden dose of winter, which unfortunately left very little time for Manhattanization. We're already hitting the Macallan on the rocks. Hard. But other parts of the country still have a lot of leaves on the trees, which leaves time for the Rusty Nail, or the MB version: Rusty Gets Nailed.

See the official Cocktail Color Changing Guide.

Poor Bastard - Rusty Nail 3 parts Johnny Walker Red 1 part Drambuie Serve on the rocks with a lemon peel.

MB - Rusty Gets Nailed A healthy dose of a single malt scotch (The Macallan) Splash of Drambuie Serve on the rocks with a lemon twist. An hour later roll yourself into bed (not necessarily alone).

posted:

11.18.08

filed under:

• cocktails

Magnificent Bartender: Negroni

We're falling behind on mixing instructions for our Cocktail Color Changing Guide, but better late than never we say, especially when it involves getting hammered in style. Up now: the Negroni, both in Poor Bastard and Magnificent Bastard versions.

posted:

10.29.08

filed under:

• cocktails

Magnificent Bartender: Bronx

Up here in northern Wisconsin we're already about at peak color (Negroni), so the Bronx recipe is a tad late, according to the official MB Cocktail Color Changing Guide. But for the majority of the country it's arriving in the nick on time.

For each cocktail in the series we're mixing two versions: one for the Poor Bastard and the other for the Magnificent Bastard.

Mix the Poor Bastard version and risk hanging out in the corner talking to some middle manager telling you about his cholesterol level.

Mix the Magnificent Bastard version and you're charming the pants off some babe with a great pair of collarbones.

Poor Bastard - Bronx 2 part gin (Seagram's Extra Dry) 1 part sweet vermouth 1 part dry vermouth 1 part orange juice Give this all a good shake and then serve in a low-stemmed martini glass, preferably not plastic, you rube.

MB - Bronx (aka "Riverdale") 2 parts gin (Plymouth or Boodles) 1 part Cointreau 1 part sweet vermouth 1 part dry vermouth 1 dash orange bitters* This should be lightly shaken, or aggressively stirred for those sporting a stick, and then served up. No garnish is needed, especially if you’re prone to spilling while staring a good pair of collarbones. *MBartender reviews of orange bitters is in the works

posted:

10.15.08

filed under:

• cocktails

Cocktail Color Changing Guide

Here at our Pulaski, WI offices the colors of the leaves are changing. Rather than focus on the leaves, let's focus on what's really important: the drinks you ought to have in hand at various stages as we head towards winter solstice.

A more complete Magnificent Bartender segment is coming next week, just in time for peak color.

(Pictured: The Sheboygan. And a superb pair of breasts. Recipe to follow. For each.)

posted:

10.8.08

filed under:

• cocktails

Taking Himself Way Too Seriously: Jean Touitou

We're thinking of having a bonfire fueled by our A.P.C. jeans collection after reading head designer Jean Touitou's comments (and seeing his pretentious pose) in a recent issue of Details.

His way misguided thinking on drinking:

"After you're 35, it's difficult to drink unless you're running 10 miles a day. I'm not talking one dry martini every Saturday or something. I'm talking three dry martinis a night. And I don't think that's possible -- it's too much poisoning. It's not a very sexy way to talk about drinking, but that's the truth."

Whatever.

posted:

3.17.08

filed under:

• misc
• a.p.c.
• cocktails

Magnificent Bastard Champagne Guide

We're not big on New Year's Eve parties. In our view, they're for fucking amateurs. MBs are professional partiers; perhaps even in the direction of having a small problem. (Manageable!) But we digress.

If you're obligated to attend a party, or perhaps it's a birthday party/holiday party combo, here's our champagne guide. The key here: stay above the line for MB-ness.





ABOVE THE LINE:

Cristalino Brut Cava NV $7.99
Cavas, for the most part, keep on the good side of the line. Solid value keeps this one constantly available in the wine chiller (Viking or GE Monogram, not U-Line or Haier). If it gets any more popular, though, it may jump the line to join the likes of Freixenet.

Avinyo Brut Cava NV $14.99
Great taste, though at $15 she better be worth it for weekday swigging. Fortunately, it’s still obscure enough to keep it Bastard-worthy.

Duval-Leroy Brut NV $33.99
French champagne solidly in the MxB zone.

Nicolas Feuillatte NV Brut $24.95
French champagne solidly in the MxB zone, though not quite as solidly as Duval-Leroy.

1996 Billecart-Salmon Cuvée Nicolas Francois Brut $120
Anything from Billecart-Salmon might make the lady, well, seasonally appreciative. You feelin' us?


BELOW THE LINE:

Moet & Chandon Brut or White Star NV $32.99
Brut or White Star? Coke or Pepsi?

Moet & Chandon Dom Perignon $149.99
Shows up on too many toolbags' January expense accounts.

Zardetto Prosecco $11.99
Though the MB can admit that some mid-priced Italian Proseccos are good, it will take decades before he doesn't think they are all just overpriced Martini Rossi Asti Spumanti.

Korbel Extra Dry $10.99
We'll admit that Korbel can crank out palatable cheap stuff, but it has all the Bastard-worthiness of, well, Cook's.

Cook's Brut $5.99
This sparkling wine from Cook's is well placed in the lower left of the graph, facing the corner.

posted:

12.29.07

filed under:

• cocktails

Ask the MB

Q: I am getting to the age (35) where I am feeling like I am tweener. Not quite old enough to pull off sophisticated but not young enough to pull of Superbad. So here is my question, while out on the town I would like to know what kind of drink the MB orders. Beer seems so "run to the bathroom every 5 minutes" and anything with fruit seems way too girlish. What is the quintessential MB drink for the evening?
—PJ

A: Beer is never really a horrible choice, but is a little college-boy, like you should have your baseball cap on backwards and wearing a Dave Matthews Band concert tee. For God's sake man, no.

Excellent instincts on the fruit. Definitely for the girls, though acceptable for an MB in an ironic gesture, like in a Brandy Old Fashioned.

Now that we're knee-deep into brown liquor season, we're heavily consuming Rob Roys. Not the traditional version with the sweet vermouth and cherry (remember the fruit rule), but the dry version served on rocks and garnished with a few sour cocktail onions. If the barkeep knows how to make one, try on a couple of these and even if you may not actually be fully MB, you will certainly look, and most importantly feel like one.

(Much more complete drink coverage coming soon.)

posted:

12.4.07

filed under:

• cocktails
• ask the MB

Skull Infection Has Reached Our Damn Cocktails

Speaking of cocktailing, a lot like a virus, skulls are infecting our drinks with these silver-plated skull swizzle sticks from D. L. & Co. Is nothing sacred?

posted:

12.4.07

filed under:

• barneys
• skulls
• cocktails