Q: Shockingly you have never mentioned anything about your stance on earrings. I wear a very small silver hoop in my left ear and I consider myself to be moderately MB. My hot PhD wife certainly finds it sexy. What do you think? --Mark
A: Sorry, Mark, here at Magnificent Bastard we think of earrings, even relatively understated ones like you describe, as a gateway drug to a spot on the next season of Jersey Shore. First comes the hoop earring, next comes Pauly D's blowout hairstyle.
Q: Is Michael J. Fox is a Magnificent Bastard in the 1987 movie The Secret of My Success? --Daring
A: Well, let's see:
* White high-tops, worn outside of the gym
* Legible t-shirt
* T-shirt under jacket
* Suit jacket (instead of blazer), with padded shoulders
* Michael J. Fox
We're only kidding about Michael J. Fox. He (or at least many of his signature characters) is that rarest of specimens: A toolbag we actually like.
(Special note to champagne aficionados: If a waiter ever opens your bottle of Duval-Leroy and it ejaculates Michael J. Fox, send that bottle back!)
Since Prada is advertising this look for Spring 2010 there is a chance -- albeit unlikely -- of it metastasizing to other menswear designers in upcoming seasons. Don't partake. This look is and always will be Major Toolbag.
Q: I was looking for a place to buy a pair of sunglasses like the ones that the character Tony D'Annunzio from Caddyshack wears to the pool. I saw you put them as an example in one of your answers but I can't seem to find where I could buy a pair, or something like them and I was wondering if you knew of a place? --James
A: Was Tony D'Annunzio The Situation before The Situation?
We cannot determine the exact make or model of D'Annunzio's sunglasses. (If you know, let us know.) The closest we think you're going to get -- and it's pretty close -- is vintage I Ski reflectors like the ones 44 is wearing (inset) before he turned into the most powerful toolbag on earth. These always turn up on eBay or vintage eyewear sites.
Q: Should an aspiring MB apply the polo shirt N-2 buttoning policy to sport shirts? Should one ever wear such a shirt with only the very top button unbuttoned, or would this be an example of toolbaggery? --Russell
A: Unfortunately that simple formula does not apply to sport shirts because there are other factors at work, like button spacing, collar shape and size, and abundance (or, preferably, absence) of chest hair. In other words, it depends.
But to illustrate where we lean, take a look at a TBT (Typical Bravo Toolbag) at the top with two unbuttoned, and MB icon Paul Newman in a western -- a shirt almost demanding N-2 -- with just the top button unbuttoned.
Q: I'm not sure whether this is an "Ask the MB," a "Tip the MB," or just a general MB PSA, but: Can we all agree that wearing anything fleece -- ESPECIALLY a zip-up mock turtleneck -- under your suit or blazer rather than a coat *over* it is a one-way ticket to Toolbagville? It pains me to say that I have seen this with increasing frequency here in NYC (though mainly in the Midtown business-douche districts), and I can only conclude that these guys have finally discovered what exactly NOBODY ever wanted to find: the male equivalent of wearing sneakers with a skirt or pantsuit for the walk in to work. Please, for the love of God, people: Get a proper winter coat. Stop the madness. --Chris
A: This is a look we'd expect to see in Pulaski, WI, not the Big Apple (though it would be fleece under a Carhartt jacket instead of a suit jacket). We're opposed to fleece because it violates the principal of organic materials (it's made from something called Polyethylene terephthalate), and we avoid wearing anything that sounds like it might give us cancer.
The 3rd season of Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker starts tonight, and host Patti Stanger has a whole new look, clearly based on the MB makeover advice given last year. Gone are the bangs, the painted fingernails (nude is OK), and the too-short skirts. You're welcome, hon! (Now for an MB intervention with her fiance. A heart-shaped diamond ring screams TB.)
Q: When is the MB going to address whether to burn or wear proudly the Tiger Woods golf clothing attire? --Jeff
A: Our policy has always been to burn Tiger Woods golfing attire whenever you encounter it. If someone's actually wearing it, though, call out "Fore!" before you start lighting any matches.
Q: I shave my head, due to hair loss, and feel that it detracts from your artfully disheveled standards. Are there any general rules for us smooth-domed MB wannabes that I should be following? --Dan
A: Dan, you said you shave your head, but how often do you shave? We ask because in our opinion, the fully shaved look (aka the Savalas) as a can't-miss cure for baldness is ultimately about as can't-miss as Rogaine or Propecia -- it doesn't always work as advertised. If you're Michael Jordan, go for it. If not, well, just look at Jack (top) -- suddenly one of the world's coolest dudes looks like a bigger toolbag than Joe the Plumber.
Our advice: when you shave, leave enough stubble to make your wife/girlfriend think twice about asking for special favors. Then, don't shave again until you start worrying about the impact wind/hats are having on your hair. The more hair you have left on top, the more frequently you'll have to shave. When you're looking like Jackson Pollock (bottom), you're looking just right. When you're looking like Larry Fine (inset), you've let it go too far.
Like Don Draper, Tiger Woods has great taste in wives. Like Bill Clinton, he's got awful taste in mistresses. Seriously, we haven't seen this much toolbag arm candy since we were backstage at a Mötley Crüe reunion show a couple years ago. (Don't ask.)
Check their resumes, and we're betting 85% of them are Girls Gone Wild alumnae, classes of, oh, 1999-2002.
MB's #1 rule for picking mistresses: Do not count on a woman with fake boobs, fake nails, and fake hair color to be discrete.
MB's #2 rule for picking mistresses: If more than 50% of your side dishes have stripper names (Jaimee, Kalika, Cori, etc.), make sure you have a bulletproof pre-nup.
Top: Tiger signals his intent to spawn by taping large salmon to chest. The ladies love it!
1. Rachel Uchitel 2. Jaimee Grubbs 3. Kalika Moquin 4. Mindy Lawton. (We don't get this one. Is it possible she's banging some other guy named Tiger Woods?) 5. Jamie Jungers 6. Cori Rist 7. Holly Sampson 8. Artist depiction of Mistress #8. You know she's coming any minute, along with #9, #10 ... soon he'll have 18 holes.
(Memo to Jon Gosselin: Step up your game, because it looks like Tiger wants your Toolbag of the Millenium crown, and you know there's no one more clutch when a title is on the line.)
We've previously noted Oakley is the King Midas of contemporary design. Anything it touches instantly turns toolbaggy. In this case, however, they've added a new STD twist: the first watch line with a bad case of metallic genital warts.
Yes, we know there are 991 years until the year 3000. But does anyone really believe it's too early to declare Jon Gosselin Toolbag of the Millenium?
Death before dishonor. Dishonor before taste.
Totally about to kick the shit out of a car with his awesome business casual fighting skills. Or maybe doing the robot.
Apparently it hurts to wear this shirt almost as much as it hurts to look at it.
Flawless cigarette positioning completely destroyed by the fact that he's riding the world's only Oakley-branded lawnmower.
Toolbag Hold 'Em: I'll see your camo pants, and your beer gut, and your stupid hand gesture, and your lame backward Fred cap, and raise you a completely ridiculous bro-face!
Three-step plan to camouflage your bald spot: 1) Borrow Tommy Lee's belt. 2) Accessorize with Urkel's cell phone holster. 3) Go full frontal muffin top.
Using only the power of his mind, the Toolbag of the Millenium attempts to destroy the timeless style of the plain white tee.
In this week's People, Michael Lohan, Lindsay Lohan's father, provides further confirmation of a style truth: mock turtleneck under blazer is toolbag galore.
A: We've previously weighed in on Mark Nason boots, categorizing them as TTH and a gross violation of the understatement principle. Not to mention, whenever we see someone wearing them they're usually only part of a bigger, more comprehensive toolbag look.
If it's that rocker vibe you need, try the more toned-down style of Rock & Republic. They keep the skulls and other junk on the sole. An even more understated choice that still passes as rock 'n' roll is John Varvatos, and you don't have to worry about keeping your feet off of anyone's desk.
Q: Can you tell me your thoughts about the ECigarette? --Randall
A: Randall, besides being a gross violation of the principle of organic materials, the first time we saw this thing we thought it was a gag gift, on par with fake vomit and fake dog shit. Remarkably it's real (and incidentally delivers a real dose of nicotine). Can you tell how we feel? If not, we've created a useful chart below.
Over two years ago we put the Bluetooth headset near the top of the Top 10 Ways to Look Like a Total Toolbag list, and now there are whole sites devoted to the phenomenon. For instance, bluetoothdouchebag.com. We're proud to have played a part in this new national movement.
A week after his girlish first pitch, it's Barack Obama's soccer dad jeans that are still in the news. Yesterday on the Today show Obama admitted to being "a little frumpy," and said, "I hate to shop."
A few observations:
* "I hate to shop" is not something a president should be saying during a recession!
* "I hate to shop" is such a lame refrain, as if by implicitly asserting his masculinity (because shopping is something guys don't like to do) that excuses his lousy style.
* We've been covering Obama's lousy style for over a year. He wore the infamous All Star Game getup 9 months earlier at a White Sox playoff game on October 12, 2008 (pictured). After winning the election his toolbaggery accelerated at such an alarming rate we wrote an entire feature on the phenomenon: From Cool to Tool: Tracking Barack Obama's Descent Into Toolbaggery.
Obama's most recent sartorial slip-up is just the latest in his crusade to win the crown of Least Stylish Black Man from Al Roker.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 reality TV star Jon Gosselin (32) was recently seen in St. Tropez with new squeeze Hailey Glassman (22) and "fashion designer" Christian Audigier. He was appropriately decked out in a signature Audigier shirt (pictured) which is only 2 skulls short of being the ugliest piece of clothing we've ever seen.
The French designer is possibly the greatest single contributor to what we've decided to refer to as neo-toolbagism, designing for or working on brands like Affliction, Von Dutch (remember the Von Dutch hat?), Ed Hardy, and his namesake Christian Audigier.
We've previously commented on Bravo being the Toolbag Network. They're clearly listening, and even turning it up a notch with the men on the new Real Housewives of New Jersey with "Steve" (top) in Ed Hardy t-shirt and hat, and "Joe" in 5'5", spiked hair, and screeching eagle-skull t-shirt (bottom).
We're sort of wondering if these guys are real. They are such toolbag archetypes we're not sure.
Q: What is the MB stance on drinking beer on the golf course? I like beer as much as the next guy and have been known to enjoy a beer during a round. But I turned a buddy down during a recent round when he asked if I wanted one. Aside from any possible negative effects on my score, the reason was that I realized that about 95% of the people I see drinking beer on the course exhibit all the symptoms of a toolbag (cargo shorts, untucked shirts, Oakleys, taking way too long, etc.). So I came to the conclusion that, while drinking beer while playing may not be inherently toolbag, it becomes toolbag by association.
So what says the MB? Is drinking beer on the course ever acceptable? If not, is there an acceptable alternative alcoholic beverage? --Brett
A: Brett, you started off by asking a question, and then, after some toolbag observation and deductive reasoning, answered it on your own, correctly. Well done. As for Part 2 of your question, we never drink on the golf course as it negatively affects performance, again, as you observe. However, once we putt out on 18 it's a stampede to the bar that's sometimes a potentially life-threatening The Who-like experience.
Q: I'm an avid reader... and have to say... you're starting to read my mind. Last night, my wife and I were watching TV -- and saw the belt bug spray fan-thing. I said, I bet the MB would NOT approve of that. She agreed and said it looks like a flea collar. Now, less than 12 hours later, you post something on it. You da man.
Now here's a situation that you're sure to agree with me. I bought these shoes. They have the feel of Crocs (though, I must say I have NEVER owned a pair.) I plan to wear them to the pool, at the beach and when we go whitewater rafting. But the other day, I saw someone wear a pair to the movies. When will toolbags learn? --John
A: John, we may need to graduate you to full-on Vulcan mind-meld. The fact that you mentioned Crocs in the same breath as a recent footwear purchase should set off alarm bells. Do you still have the receipt?
We're strongly opposed to this entire genre of footwear, whether it be Crocs, Keen, or Teva. These are for the fleece and granola set, where MBs are as rare as a dodo bird.
Incidentally, for the rafting we recommend an old pair of Jack Purcells. They work great and look amazing.
Unless you're a superhero or cop, nothing should hang from your belt. Seriously, we don't even recommend this for professional exterminators. This thing belongs in a closet, next to the box of Cinch Saks and the Swiffer.
We're all in favor of bringing back some '70s style to the course -- the MB in the header photo is wearing vintage flowered Lilly Pulitzer shorts -- but Scott Woodsworth's Loudmouth Golf is an homage gone horribly wrong:
Top: John Daly at the BMW PGA Championship at the Wentworth Club, England, over the weekend in Loudmouth Golf's "Disco Balls" pants. Looks like a clown's pajamas.
Bottom: The "Chicks Dig Loudmouth" photo gallery is a toolbag extravaganza.
Sure, the iPhone is fine for urban applications. But what if you want to take your tweeting off-road? Then, you need something a little more rugged, like Oakley's new Hummerized iPhone case. We suspect it gets terrible gas mileage. We suspect Arnold Schwarzenegger already owns seven of them. Naturally, this seals it for us. Oakley is the King Midas of contemporary design. Anything it touches instantly turns toolbaggy. Don't believe us?
Q: So I have to attend this (outdoor charity) event for Mother's Day with my wife and son (2 yrs) where your entry ticket is this gaudy t-shirt that violates every known MB principle: logos, legibility, ugly, etc. My question is: since I have to wear this (I have to attend), is there any way to salvage it? Should I wear the rest of the ensemble as if I was wearing some other MB-approved shirt? Or would that just look too stupid (i.e. too much of a clash between MB-ness and clear toolbaggery) and should I just throw in the towel and just toolbag this all the way? Sorry for the short notice but I was just informed yesterday, and Mother's Day is just a few days away! --Rob
A: Rob, your mother probably once told you: Two wrongs do not make a right. Don't cave and go full-on toolbag. Even the ugliest event t-shirt can be mitigated and possibly overcome with the right ensemble. Since you are going to be very unformfortable on top, get very comfortable on the bottom with your go-to denim and sneakers (or sandals, if you've recently had a pedicure). Even if monsoons are predicted, add some vintage sunglasses to the look. They can block toolbaggery almost as well as UV rays, and will provide cover for pained facial expressions.
Of course, even with these tactics, you won't be able to forget the fact that you're wearing the shirt -- because you'll be surrounded by it -- so we also advise that you get drunk as quickly as possible. Skip the beer and go straight to the hard stuff.
Q: I see through your little scam. Your well of toolbags ran dry, so you went off and deployed your minions at Bravo to round up more:
http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-new-jersey. Were they really that hard to find in nature? --BackseatHummer
A: We firmly believe no group of individuals is more excited about The Real Housewives of New Jersey than the staff at magnificentbastard.com. Premieres May 12th!
Ben Roethlisberger is just 26, has two Super Bowl rings, and is likely headed to the Hall of Fame. But the poor fella would probably trade it all for even a shred of style.
Well, maybe not. But since "Big Ben" is single, and apparently only dating the struggling Canadian-born actress and Hilary Swank look-a-like contest winner Missy Peregrym, one upside of the Steelers' win is there aren't any pictures of Brenda Warner descending on her husband like a blue, crew-cut alien.
I just wanted to point out a video of a recent public appearance of Vanilla Ice at a Denver Nuggets halftime show. Not only is it basketball (see recent post about ball size), Mr. Ice appears to follow every rule for looking (and acting) like a complete toolbag. --Joshua
A: We are working on a new feature that examines toolbags through the ages, from the cavemen to the guys on Tool Academy, and we've discovered in our research that Vanilla Ice should get special merit for reinventing himself several times, yet having his essential toolbaggery always shine through.
Most men improve with age, becoming more magnificent and bastardly with each passing year. (At least until ED sets in.) Barack Obama is like Benjamin Button, a man whose MB-ness peaked in high school and has been on a downward slide since, hitting rock bottom with the backwards baseball cap. We've documented the new president's style history with a new feature: From Cool to Tool: Tracking Barack Obama's Descent Into Toolbaggery.
In case you missed last night's premiere of VH1's Tool Academy, there clearly emerged some style commonalities, most of which we've railed against since launching this site 18 months ago:
* printed t-shirts (plus legibility)
* tattoos
* wrap-around sunglasses
* cockeyed baseball caps
* necklaces
* earrings
* skulls
* spiked hair/excessive hair product
* excessively military-inspired jackets
* oversized watches
* briefs
* untucked sport shirts
* public push-ups
* ed hardy
* lots of "bro"s and "dude"s
Although the New York Times reports Obama is "clinging" to his BlackBerry and he says, "They're going to pry it out of my hands," it looks as though Barack Obama might have to give it up. Next thing on the agenda -- far more important than any stimulus package: find a decent casual wardrobe.
Leave it to top toolbag outfitter Ed Hardy to design what's possibly the most disturbing piece of clothing we've possibly ever seen. A skull on your ass and your joint?!
Next week VH1 is premiering a show called Tool Academy where "9 frustrated women, all dating complete tools, will take one last chance at reforming them by enrolling them in the only place that can make a difference and transform them: the Tool Academy." Either this is the best thing since The Pickup Artist or the worst thing since that Geico Caveman show, but we demand royalties regardless. Watch the "supertrailer."
Tool Academy premieres next Monday, January 12 on VH1.
On our extended break -- incidentally, we consumed enough Dewar's Rob Roys to kill the average bloke -- there were some very disturbing photos taken of the President-elect. (We had our suspicions back in July when he met the troops.) Sure, Barack Obama might soon be the 44th President of the United States, but the poor fella is a raging toolbag.
Neither Jesus-like outer glow feature, nor intently staring off into the distance can save David Beckham from looking like a toolbag with Motorola's Motopure Bluetooth headset.
Q: I'm unclear on your turtleneck position. Are saying it was only ok in 1968 and for chaps much more MB than I'll ever be? I have a navy tall mock turtleneck (taller than a mock but not enough to fold over) that I love. Not MB? --Scott
A: We're saying McQueen, Player, and Newkirk helped make the turtleneck forever cool. If you don't have enough material to fold over, or let flop down in an artfully disheveled way, then you ought to keep it in your closet. Or perhaps burn it. Anything even veering towards mock should be avoided or you might start looking like Tiger Woods. And that ain't good.
In spite of her ass, we have a strong hunch that Sarah and Todd Palin will slowly fade back into obscurity, and end up as an Admiral Stockdale-equivalent historical footnote. Which is a shame because this is a couple that keeps on giving.
Yesterday Newsweek reported Sarah Palin actually spent more than $150,000 on her wardrobe and makeover, and big chunk of dough went to clothe her husband:
One aide estimated that she spent "tens of thousands" more than the reported $150,000, and that $20,000 to $40,000 went to buy clothes for her husband. Some articles of clothing have apparently been lost. An angry aide characterized the shopping spree as "Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast," and said the truth will eventually come out when the Republican Party audits its books.
We find this report a little hard to believe. Unless he's buying gold-plated boxers, there just ain't no way $20-$40K is going for cheap-looking 3-button black suits, shiny red silk ties, logoed fleece, and square-toe oxfords.
Her recent events drew scruffy high-schoolers in backward baseball caps, tank-topped bikers in bandanas and long-bearded veterans in berets. They crashed the rope line for photos and autographs. "Marry me, Sarah," a man implored in Weirs Beach, N.H., while Ms. Palin held up a tow-headed toddler and patted his little chest. She ignored, or didn't hear, the proposal, but signed the dude's ratty baseball cap.
Three cheers to Details magazine for coining a new term: bluetool
n. A person who wears a Bluetooth earpiece at any time other than while driving. Provenance: Annoyed pedestrians Usage: "The bluetool behind me on the sidewalk was telling the loudest story about who he hooked up with the night before."
Fans and critics are both saying Usain Bolt could've run even faster than 9.69 had it not been for the last 10m of showboating (top). Maybe, but he certainly would've been faster without the drag of the cause wristband, pinkie ring, and shiny gold ring (bottom).
It's sometimes useful to look to cinema for reinforcement of style principles. When the creators of Bull Durham wanted to create a shlubby, clueless rookie pitcher "with a million dollar arm and the 5-cent head" they dressed Ebby Calvin 'Nuke' LaLoosh in:
1. Pleated, linen pants. (Note the wrinkles!) 2. Tommy Bahama-style camp shirt. 3. Shiny gold watch and ring. 4. Pinkie ring.
Yes, we've got Bravo on full-time in the MB office, partially because it's The Toolbag Channel. The examples of what not to do are irresistable. Like Slade from Date My Ex. Shiny gold watch, shiny gold ring, and that scarf epitomizes TTH (Trying Too Hard). MBs can safely avoid all three things (and the hand gesturing, too).
Besides sleepless nights and double diaper duty, twins can apparently initiate toolbag-dom on even Hollywood elite:
1.Grecian Formula not supposed to remove all the gray. 2. Un-ironic goatee strikingly similar to Toolbag Extraordinaire Ben Affleck (inset). 3. Gold necklace.
You have an uphill battle, my beloved MB. I offer you My Toolbag Weekend. In San Luis Obispo, CA for the 4th:
1) Short-legged 50-year-old man in long cargo shorts, orange crocs and Tommy Bahama Independence Day aloha shirt.
2) Tall man at dinner, every electronic device known to mankind, clipped to his belt with.... an electric blue carabiner.
3) Father of three teenagers, who know he needed to remove his ballcap upon entering the restaurant, so he attached it to the specially-made BALLCAP HOOK hanging from his belt, and lastly...
4) Ubiquitous TV ads for the buy-one-get-one-free amazing cell phone belt/car/shower clip. Only $10 while supplies last.
Does anyone in the Clinton campaign have even a shred of style? Hillary isclearlyadisaster, and it's rubbed off on senior advisor and head worm Harold Ickes, yesterday on Meet the Press strobing like a discotheque in an ill-fitting checked blazer paired with checked shirt.
And it didn't require some kind of exhaustive worldwide search, either. This tool was visible from sofas nationwide: Simon from Real Housewives of New York.
1. Dude squirted cologne on his face eight fucking times. 2. Wore a gold bow tie, pocket square, and cummerbund; rode to Metropolitan Opera in Lincoln limo. The vulgarity! 3. Actually attaches value to wife appearing in Style section of New York Times. 4. Crashes wife's Girls' Night Out. And wears poor-man's fu-manchu moustache. Dude!
Top Chef's lead judge Tom Colicchio, last night decked out in an unbuttoned black woven shirt, over a black t-shirt. We bet Mr. Colicchio $1000 his shirt, besides being black, was also overlong and untucked.
Not only do the Cowboys have to overcome their NFC opponents to make it to the Super Bowl, they need to overcome the ongoing toolbaggery of their quarterback. Interviewed by NFL Network over The Jessica Simpson Episode, Tony Romo wore a bright salmon, logoed button-down collar shirt with the buttons unbuttoned. In most cases we would expect the Significant Other to correct this situation, but Jessica Simpson most likely dressed him for the interview.
Toolbag quarterback Tony Romo has landed what we consider to be the perfect toolbag accessory: ditzy fake blonde with dark roots, huge hoop earrings, and sunglasses propped on her head. She's only about 1/2 a notch up the white-trash-o-meter from Britney.
Last night Bravo previewed their new show Millionaire Matchmaker, and it's proof positive that all the money in the world (or even $1 million) can't by a nickel's worth of style. When the show launches in January these guys promise to deliver countless hours of toolbag amusement. Clockwise from top left: in a music video; spinning on a stripper pole; strapping electronic shit to his belt holding up his saggy-ass ripped denim; in a grotesquely ugly shirt.
Deliver perhaps the most smug, arrogant toolbag on TV today: The UPS Whiteboard Guy. Is it just us, or do these ads make you want to beat the living crap out of this dude?
We realize we're a day late on this news, but it occurs to us the reason why Jacksonville lost its upset bid against the Colts on Monday night wasn't because its starting quarterback got knocked out of the game, or because Indianapolis is a better team. No, it was all due to the extreme toolbaggery of the Jacksonville Jaguar fans. Thing 1 sports a cause bracelet, while Thing 2 -- presumably an adult male -- eats out a foam vagina.
Oddmakers have made the Patriots a 5-point favorite over the Cowboys for this weekend's big game, but it should be at least a touchdown given the quarterback matchup: a Magnificent Bastard vs. Tony Romo and his toolbag tendencies.
You already suspected this, with his Men's Warehouse pinstripes and $19.99 red ties. Now there's likely confirmation as he sports a cause wristband, definitely a strong indicator of toolbaggery. If only he'd chosen a yellow "Livestrong" version (in place of the pink) he'd still be Attorney General.
You hopefully caught this bit on last night's Daily Show, where Jon Stewart and Rob Corddry were having fun attributing footwear to gay sex in men's bathrooms:
JS: So different taps mean different things?
RC: That's right Jon, it's a complex language. Wing tips mean you're a married man. Socks with sandals means this is your first time. Oh, and Jon, any one of those brightly colored plastic crocs, that means
anything goes. We're talking hard-core ass-to-mouth stuff; scat play!
And Jon, that's not just in bathrooms, OK? Anytime you see anyone wearing crocs, be wary. Be wary.
JS: What does that mean Rob?
RC: If they are wearing crocs they are soliciting incredibly deprived gay sex. You can take that to the bank.
(The video in question is currently the main clip on the Daily Show site.)
Q: I am wondering how you acquired the photo of the toolbag in the wild (Marlin Perkins Would Be Proud). I believe I can place the sighting and actually visited the establishment last evening. Even though I try not to look like a toolbag myself I am concerned I need to be extra careful since it appears establishments I frequent are being watched. —Concerned Citizen
A: Indeed, a MB staffer spotted this toolbag at Brit's Pub in downtown Minneapolis, and a few cell phone pics were surreptitiously snapped. Believe us when we say no one feels worse about this than we do. It's just that when wanton toolbaggery appears at one of our favorite hangouts (and a Minneapolis institution no less), that kind of naked aggression against style will not stand, man, and something needed to be done.
You've surely heard of the Edmund Burke quote: "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." It applies here.
Just like Marlin Perkins was out there, researching pygmy elephants for Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, staffers at magnificentbastard.com are out looking for toolbags in the wild. They're out there. Be careful.
