Magnificent Bastard

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

toolbag

Tim Lincecum Saves Giants' World Series Victory Parade

Tim Lincecum Saves Giants' World Series Victory Parade

The Giants' World Series victory parade through downtown San Francisco was an alarming if not unpredictable display of brute toolbag power. Like a murderer's row of Jersey Shore extras, one player after the next swung for the fences and knocked good taste out of the park.

Between the "Kiss This Ring" sweatshirts and costume-jewelry title belts, and softball-sized watch faces, we weren't sure if we were watching a victory parade or a runway show for a Flavor Flav garage sale.

Even designated savior Madison Bumgarner did little to stem the rampant tide of toolbaggery. With his backward ballcap and orange garbage bag poncho, he looked like he was wearing a Darth Vader Halloween costume from The Nickel Store.

Luckily, relief finally showed up in the unlikely form of little-used pitcher Tim Lincecum. Though the one-time superstar only saw 1 ⅔ innings of action in the series, during a Game 2 loss to the Royals, his victory parade mechanics were in top form. No team colors? Check. No trash-talking commemorative sweatshirts or visible logos of any kind? Check. Well-tailored shacket paired with an artfully disheveled scarf and what looks to be a cashmere beanie? Check.

Put this guy back in the starting rotation, skip! He's ready to play.

Earlier: 7 Ways to Tie a Scarf Based on the Game-Time Temperature at Lambeau Field


NFL Flair: What's Acceptable and What's Not

Minnesota Vikings QB Christian Ponder, strengthening his marriage while on his way to a 42-10 loss to the Green Bay Packers.
Minnesota Vikings QB Christian Ponder, strengthening his marriage while on his way to a 42-10 loss to the Green Bay Packers.

We know the NFL would like to project a less sociopathic image these days. But in our book, wearing two pieces of conspicuously wholesome flair on one appendage constitutes an illegal formation penalty. Seriously, a wedding ring, in the middle of a game? From coin toss to the final tick of the game clock, the only ring any NFL player should be thinking about is a Super Bowl ring. You don't play for the Minnesota Grooms, Mr. Ponder. You play for the Vikings. Five yard penalty!


Ukrainian Update

Oleksandr Turchynov, at a press conference March 12, 2014
Oleksandr Turchynov, at a press conference March 12, 2014

The Leotardo we sent acting Ukrainian President Oleksandr Turchynov has apparently not been able to break through the Toolbag Curtain.

In solidarity with besieged Ukrainian troops in Crimea, Turchynov is wearing his own uniform, The Michael Lohan, which consists of a black mockneck under a blazer. While we believe that this no way to run a country, we continue to support President Turchynov in his effort to maintain Ukrainian independence in the face of increasing Russian aggression.



Wisconsin Recall Election Results: Scott Walker Still a Toolbag

Wisconsin Recall Election Results: Scott Walker Still a Toolbag
Whether you're voting for Tom Barrett or Scott Walker, or abstaining out of principle like us — this is what regular elections are for — one thing all parties can surely agree on is that Scott Walker is a toolbag. Shown to the left at Quad Graphics last Friday sporting not one, but two cause wristbands. (Not pictured: Walker's pleated pants, belt-clipped cell phone, and Crocs.)

Earlier: Top 10 Ways to Look Like a Total Toolbag

Ask the MB: Randoph Engineering Bayonet Sunglasses

Ask the MB: Randoph Engineering Bayonet Sunglasses
Q: So my cheap Target sunglasses finally broke recently, and I'm upgrading to Randolph aviators. In regards to frame style, my instinct screams bayonet, but I've noticed toolbag frames are usually bayonet. For the up-and-coming, detail-driven magnificent bastard, what is your recommendation?
—Sky


A: Never ignore a screaming instinct, we always say. They happen to be right a lot.

While we agree that some toolbag frames are bayonet, Randolph Engineering aviators with bayonet temples are worn by two of our all-time favorite fictional characters: Col. Kilgore in Apocalypse Now (upper left) and Don Draper in Mad Men (upper right), both of whom would certainly qualify as MBs.

As long as you don't shave your head into a mohawk, wear an oversized Army jacket, and plan on assassinating a presidential candidate, you're good.

Earlier: Col. Kilgore's Bracelet and Dog Tag Accessorization

Ask the MB: White-Stitched Jeans

Ask the MB: White-Stitched Jeans
Q: What do you think of white stitched jeans for a younger male? I got a pair tonight and I love them but some of my friends disagree. Thoughts?
—Heath


A: While your youth is a slight mitigating factor, please consult the Venn diagram below as a guide. (In other words, your friends might have a point.)



Ask the MB: Long Sleeves Under a T-Shirt

Ask the MB: Long Sleeves Under a T-Shirt
Q: I'm looking to layer up in London over the winter. What are your feelings on long sleeves under a tshirt? Is there any way I can pull off this kind of layering without looking like a douche/toolbag?
—Bradley


A: Layering is a key MB principle, but this look has always seemed backwards to us, like putting underwear over your pants.

Ask the MB: What is Up With Ben Roethlisberger's Post-Game News Conference Look?

Ask the MB: What is Up With Ben Roethlisberger's Post-Game News Conference Look?
Q: Ben Roethlisberger, post game news conference, WTF?
—Wade


A: Big Ben clearly has a hat that's Too Tiny, enhancing the size of his already large and increasingly flabby melon, one that has more chins than the number of TDs he threw against Denver on Sunday.

What struck us though, besides the fact that Roethlisberger bothered to wear something besides an untucked sport shirt, is that this is the same outfit he wore to the ESPY awards in July, 2009, 2½ years ago (below). It's true he's a Hall of Fame toolbag, but you'd think a guy who made $12 million this year would not recycle a dated three-piece suit and prepackaged shirt/tie/pocket square combo he probably picked up at TJ Maxx for $19.99.

As for the vest Tim Tebow was wearing after the game, we've had a few questions about the brand and model and we're researching it. Tebow has definitely stepped up his game since his jorts days at Florida.

NYT: Big Watches Favored Primarily by Toolbags

<em>NYT</em>: Big Watches Favored Primarily by Toolbags
If you read the Christmas edition of the New York Times — and who didn't even before opening presents? — you saw this article about the growing size of men's wristwatches. Since men can no longer drive Hummers without being subject to public ridicule (plus the fact that the company has been shut down), some are replacing large vehicles with large watches, which is why Tom Cruise wears a U-Boat watch that's 64.4 millimeters in diameter, or as the Times wryly notes, a watch that's the same size as a White Castle slider.

Don't be Tom Cruise. We've regularly repeated our ≤ 40mm rule since this site started in July 2007, and now more than ever you should either adopt or stick to it. Within months, or perhaps even weeks, wearing a 64mm watch will be even more post-peak than Jersey Shore.

Michael Lohan Off Scot Free for Felony Toolbaggery

MiLo and Kate Major in happier times
MiLo and Kate Major in happier times
Yesterday Lindsay Lohan's estranged father Michael Lohan was charged with four misdemeanors as parf of his two most recent arrests — 1.) domestic violence, 2.) violation of a domestic injunction, 3.) resisting arrest without violence (in an inept attempt to flee from police), and 4.) violating a condition of pretrial release — yet avoided criminal prosecution for what we believe to be the the ultimate toolbag getup (pictured) outside of the OT.

Last Minute Shakedown

Last Minute Shakedown
Well, we looked it up, and, no, there's no such penalty as "Unnecessary Toolbaggery." But if there were, Ford Field would have been adorned with more flags than a Tea Party rally at the end of Lions-Niners game on Sunday.

No doubt you've seen the replay already — after the resurrected 49ers handed the Lions their first defeat of the season, Coach Jim Harbaugh, pulled his shirt up to show (a) he wasn't packing any heat and (b) he has been packing on the pounds. That was good for Flag 1. Then, he tried to execute a chest-bump with one of his players. This alone would have been good for Flag 2, but he compounded the toolbaggery by failing to break contact with the ground — that's Flag 3 — and failing to make contact on the chest-bump — that's Flag 4.

Then, instead of giving Lions coach Jim Schwartz a traditional post-game handshake — which requires coming to a complete halt, looking one's opponent in the eye, and giving him a solemn, almost funereal shake — he treated Schwartz like a fan standing between him and the post-game buffet and simply gave him a rolling shake and a hearty back slap. That was Flag 5.

At that point, Schwartz took over, chasing down Harbaugh and staring him down without actually looking at him — Flag 6 (pictured). Then, when some space opens up between him and Harbaugh and he no longer has a real shot at him, he gets really angry and starts trying to go at him again, except that somehow he cannot make the proper turn upfield and just keeps heading for the locker room, as if he were wearing bowling shoes instead of cleats. Do we have any flags left? If we do, that gets one too.

Ask the MB: What is the Ex-Toolbag in the Header Wearing?

Ask the MB: What is the Ex-Toolbag in the Header Wearing?
Q: Oh oracle of basterdom, could you give us a rundown on what the ex-toolbag in the header is wearing?
— T


A: The toolbag has transformed from camo cargo shorts, a waffle-knit Florida State long-sleeve T, a royal blue windbreaker, and running shoes (see a picture of the poor guy) into:

Shirt: Levis. $100.
Tie: Mountain and Sackett. $59.
Jacket: Belstaff 'The Racer'. $450.
Pants: J. Crew vintage slim (wheat). $98.
Shoes: Allen-Edmonds McAllister. $325.
Watch: Timex Vintage Field Army. $150.
Belt: Stylist's own

Which reminds us, the header promotion sponsored by LKc Style — three hours of personalized online style consulting, including a free shirt from Read's Clothing Project for $150 — ends when we turn Miss August into recycling and say hello to Miss September.

Read just received a new shipment of nice-looking shirts (we've already ordered the Jake Madras), and at a $98 retail you're getting the style consulting for 52 bucks. If we didn't already strongly resemble the "After" shot — yes, we raided our own wardrobe for the shoot — we'd seriously consider this deal.

Steve Williams Takes the Low Road

Steve Williams Takes the Low Road
If we ever get around to writing The Magnificent Bastard Guide to Life, one of our foundational pieces of advice will read something like this:

It's easiest to take the high road when you're winning, so always take the high road when you're winning. That way, when you're faced with taking the high road in more challenging scenarios — and you should always take the high road — you'll have some experience to fall back on.

Surely, Steve Williams, Tiger Woods' caddie for 13 years and 13 major championships, could have used this advice on Sunday. After his new boss, 31-year-old Aussie Adam Scott, won at Firestone this weekend, Williams had this to say to CBS's David Feherty: "I've been caddying for 33 years and that's the best week of my life ... and I'm not joking ... honestly that's the best week of my life; I've caddied for 33 years, 145 wins now, and that's the best win I've ever had."

Now, it may be that Tiger Woods is such an awful person to work for that what Williams said was true: Winning the Bridgestone Invitational was actually better than winning the 2005 Masters (who can forget the chip-in on 16?), or the 2008 U.S. Open (possibly Woods' last major). But why shift attention away from your new boss on his big day, just to send out a subtle fuck-you to your old boss? Especially if it truly is the best week of your life? If you still have room for petty grievances in the best week of your life, then it's not the best week of your life.

Ask the MB: What is the Motorcycle in the Header?

Ask the MB: What is the Motorcycle in the Header?
Q: What kind of motorcycle is that in your header? And why does he look upset that the girl is riding it in the apartment? She could bring it to my living room anytime.
—Joe


A: The bike is a 1964 Honda Dream. As for the guy, he's not upset, just surprised. But we can see where you might be confused, especially if you haven't been following the pictorial narrative we've created to illustrate the service offered by our current masthead sponsor LKc Style.

In the first image of the sequence, we showed a troubled toolbag telling his story of sartorial woe to his wardrobe therapist. In the current one, she's arriving from a shopping expedition to present him with clothing options that better reflect how he'd like to present himself to the world. He's surprised because she has returned so quickly, and because she has somehow managed to drive a cherry red 1964 Honda into his third-floor loft, even though his building only has stairs.

In other words, it's kind of Bergmanesque — allusive, visually striking, hard to follow.

There's more to come, though, so stay tuned. And be sure to check out LKc Style. We can't promise she'll arrive on a vintage sport bike, but we do think her introductory offer for MB readers is a pretty good deal.

5 Ways Not to Look Like Yankee Doodle Toolbag on the 4th of July

Note the subtle jet plane detail
Note the subtle jet plane detail
Nothing tests the Magnificent Bastard principle of understatement more than holidays. Halloween is the worst, followed closely by the 4th of July. Red, white, and blue are great colors for Ol' Glory and beer cans, but unless you're a superhero, too much red, white, and blue in your wardrobe at any one time can make you look like you're hitting the bricks to shill your local tax return service. If you're looking for a role model, choose Founding Father Thomas Jefferson over Uncle Sam — subtlety trumps bombast every time.

Of course, on a day when bombs — or at least their Las Vegas cousins, Class 1.1G fireworks — are bursting in air, subtlety's a relative concept and some red, white and blue in your wardrobe is completely appropriate. With that mind, here are 5 ways to show your patriotism without looking like Yankee Doodle Toolbag on the 4th of July.

HAT

Block Elco
$50

Block Headwear makes our favorite hats. Salute the spirit of Betsy Ross by hiring a seamstress to create a new temporary hatband for you using 67 cents worth of grosgrain ribbon from M&J Trimming. Get the 7/8" size.

SHIRT

Boast Tipped Polo
$68

Is President Bush spending the 4th at his trophy ranch in Crawford, sipping a near-beer and wearing a Boast tipped polo like he did in the goold old days? We have no idea, but we like to think so.

WATCH STRAP

NATO strap
$13

Give your MB-endorsed Zulu strap a week off and go with a red, white & blue NATO strap. Just $13.

BEER KOOZIE

Red, White & Blue Beer Koozie
$4.95 for pair

Until Pabst resurrects one of our favorite beer brands of all time, you can pretend it's the real thing with the Red, White & Blue beer koozie.

JACKET

Moncler Track Jacket
$250

It's become popular in recent years to bash the French, but while America was fighting for its independence, the French gave us the spirit of Enlightment that would later inform our Constitution, military support, and, we're guessing, some pretty good pastries. Show your gratitude with this Moncler track jacket.

FINAL WORD OF ADVICE: Choose only one of these items and leave it at that. Except for the beer koozie. That goes with everything.

5 Billionaire CEOs Who Look Like They Shop at the Goodwill Dollar Rack

5 Billionaire CEOs Who Look Like They Shop at the Goodwill Dollar Rack
Why is it every digital disrupter since Bill Gates and Steve Jobs dresses exactly like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs? We get it, high-tech billionaires. You're too busy innovating to waste any brain cycles on tucking in your shirts. You're so rich and powerful you have absolutely no need to dress to impress. But, honestly, would it kill you to give your cellphone holsters a day off on occasion? And maybe take a gander at Gilt.com while your flunkies are bludgeoning you with PowerPoint presentations? You're the economic leaders of the 21st century and you are not inspiring confidence.

Larry Page Larry Page, Google

Never wear a shirt that employed more graphic designers than your home page did.
Mark Zuckerberg Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook

Facebook Beacon was actually only Zuckerberg’s second worst invention. His first? Business Fleece.
Dick Costolo Dick Costolo, Twitter

This shirt is so over capacity in the arms and torso it could fit the #failwhale
Andrew Mason Andrew Mason, Groupon

Mason models the answer to the question: Is there anything on the planet so worthless even Groupon can't unload a few thousand SKUs of it at 90 percent off?
Tim Cook Tim Cook, Apple

Stylistically, Steve Jobs left some very tiny shoes to fill at Apple. But Cook's baggy "Reverse Hansbrough" is barely an upgrade to Jobs' perennial toolbag trifecta of Dad jeans, turtlemock, and New Balance 992s.

Earlier: The Tyranny of the Untucked Sport Shirt

Charlie Sheen's Scary Clothing Empire

Charlie Sheen's Scary Clothing Empire
After the producers of his TV show officially fired Charlie Sheen, the supernatural sitcom star said the most sensible thing he's uttered in months, possibly years: "I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension."

Turns out that while Sheen may have despised his Two and a Half Men wardrobe as much as the rest of the sighted world, he also endorses and even helped design a clothing line -- the Charlie Sheen Signature Series by DaVinci -- that markets these two-toned, polyester-blend torpedos of retinal destruction.

What good is having tiger blood and Adonis DNA if you cover it up all in Herculean toolbaggery that looks like the official jersey of the Las Vegas Blackjack Dealers Association bowling league?

Only a next-level genius like Sheen can answer that question. What really worries us, though, is that when DaVinci launched Sheen's Signature Series in 2009, the renaissance madman said he planned to expand the line beyond shirts in the future.

Now, he's got the time to do it. And since his first clothing venture, Sheen Kidz*, a "couture-quality" line of clothing for little girls who aspire to dress like the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, went belly up a couple years ago, we figure he'll be channeling all his clothing design energy into his DaVinci line. We bet Tom Arnold is clearing up some space in his pants closet at this very moment.

* Note the use of "z" in "kidz," to make satin-accented couture-wear for four-year-old girls seem more street. Winning!

Martin Kaymer's Extreme Neckwear Malfunction

Martin Kaymer's Extreme Neckwear Malfunction
When it's a little chilly on the first tee, we recommend a white cotton turtleneck. When it's downright cold, a cashmere version like this flannel grey Harrison* (on deep discount) should do the trick. When it's snowing, as it was at the Accenture Match Play Championship in Tucson this weekend, we suggest you book a flight to somewhere where it's not snowing and play there. (There are plenty of nice courses in Maui, where it shouldn't start snowing until at least 2013.)

Whatever you do, though, never wear what Martin Kaymer, the world's newly crowned top-ranked player, was wearing this weekend. On Sunday's broadcast, we learned the hideous scarf-like accessory assaulting his neck is a UV Fishing Buff by artist and retired Florida Keys fishing guide Vaughn Cochran.

The UV Fishing Buff is made from Coolmax Extreme fabric and features a black fly fishing lure pattern that we're pretty sure is guaranteed to actually repel oysters and mollusks, not to mention creatures with actual eyes. The only time to wear such a thing is if you're skippering the S.S. Toolbag. Never ever wear one a golf course.

* Harrison's quality is as variable as Bubba Watson's golf swing. Some of their sweaters are our favorites; others barely make the Vietnam Veterans clothing donation bin. Inspect carefully before committing.


New Feature: Top 7 Ways to Eat Like a Total Toolbag

New Feature: Top 7 Ways to Eat Like a Total Toolbag
You know the sort of conspicuous consumption that involves dining on tiny $95 portions of Il St. Canut suckling pig with hedgehog mushrooms and celery root? We're all for it. But when you devour that suckling pig like a barnyard hog snorting up a pile of grain, that's the sort of conspicuous consumption that's a little too conspicuous. If you're not a celebrity and everyone in the restaurant's still staring at you when you eat, you are probably following our handy little guide a little too rigorously. We present: Top 7 Ways to Eat Like a Total Toolbag.

Bubba Watson: A Toolbag With MB Tendencies, or Vice Versa?

Bubba Watson: A Toolbag With MB Tendencies, or Vice Versa?
Yesterday Bubba Watson won the Farmers Insurance Open at Torrey Pines. He has a driver with a hot pink shaft and buttons his polo shirts like he should be wearing a tie (note the N-2 rule), but give the man credit for recognizing the value of wearing a visor when one has a full head of long hair. This look (bottom) is at arfully disheveled as his golf swing.

Earlier: Ask the MB: Visors.

Ask the MB: Driving Caps

Anyone ever hear of this movie?
Anyone ever hear of this movie?
Q: So MB - I was at an NBA game on Friday night and there were several MB-looking types wearing patterned driving caps. I've always thought of this as my grandpa's hat, wondering what your thoughts are.
--Jennifer


A: We charted the style curve rise and fall of driving/newsboy/ivy caps back in early 2008 and declared the trend dead when Cuba Gooding Jr. showed up at the 10,000 B.C. premiere wearing one (plus flashing hand signs). Now that Gooding Jr. has gone missing, co-starring with Val Kilmer and Christian Slater in straight-to-DVD flicks, and iconic toolbag and the frequent ivy cap-wearing Tony Romo is on injured reserve, this headwear style can now emerge from rehab. In fact, as the NFL season hits the increasingly chilly home stretch, we would not be surprised to see Tom Brady sporting a newsboy for one of his ridiculously stylish post-game press conferences.

Tip the MB: 'The Situation' Wrote a Book, Dawg

Tip the MB: 'The Situation' Wrote a Book, Dawg
The forces of evil are everywhere, MB must be the light.
--Andre


From the inside cover:

Listen, dawg. You're probably hitting the gym, doing your tanning, and picking up fresh laundry every day. And maybe you've had some success beating up the beat and creeping on chicks in the club. But do you really think your situation is where it needs to be? Be honest with yourself, bro.

This book here will take your game to a level thought unattainable, given your physical limitations (because we can't all look like Rambo, pretty much, with our shirt off). We start with GTL-the bedrock of life itself. And then we hit the GTL Remix-the rules for getting your personal grooming did. From there it's my guide to the Jersey Shore, battle plans for the club, a primer on grenades and wingmen, and tips for ridding yourself of all levels of clinger. Then I look at the big picture: how to cook the perfect lasagna, how to find a life partner, and how to deal with being one of the most famous people on the planet-which is guaranteed if you follow my advice.

This is the bible for Situation Nation. Read it, live it, and crush it.

UPDATE: Reader Dan astutely observes: "Just in case you missed it, the amazon link you provided for The Situation's book has only two tags: 'hey ma' and 'euthanasia.' Perfection."


Tip the MB: Mark Zuckerberg as Toolbag Weapon

Tip the MB: Mark Zuckerberg as Toolbag Weapon
I read this on The Daily Beast and thought it prudent to advise the MB. Toolbaggery has a deadly weapon in its arsenal: Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg.
--Dino


Over two years ago we added "The Principle of Not Looking Like Mark Zuckerberg" to the MB canon, so we're definitely aware of the threat his fleece, Adidas slides, and non-pedicured toes pose. However, it should be noted that the rise of Microsoft did not lead to widespread adoption of fellow Harvard drop-out Bill Gates' colorblock-sweater-over-floral-woven look.

Ed. note: We are officially madly in love with Rebecca Dana, the author of the Beast piece.

MB Endorses: The Van Gundy Rule

MB Endorses: The Van Gundy Rule
Apologies for being a tad late with any mention of this news, but for the 2010-11 season the NBA is implementing a new dress code requiring coaches to wear collared shirts during games. Now that mock turtleneck king Don Nelson is out of a job in Golden State, this affects only Orlando Magic coach and MB sartorial piñata Stan Van Gundy.

While the new rule won't prevent Van Gundy from wearing some appalling shirt/tie combos this year (which we will surely document as they begin to appear), kudos to the NBA for banning this style atrocity. Now perhaps the PGA Tour will wake up and finally apply similar rules for its players. It shall be called the Tiger Woods Rule.

Ask the MB: Club Wear

Ask the MB: Club Wear
Q: Naturally, an MB attracts the opposite sex at any time of day or night whether he is going outside to pick up the paper or waiting in line at the DMV. But, for those of us that like to go out to clubs and bars at night to meet women, what is MB-endorsed night party wear?
--Amir


A: We recommend Mark Nason boots, distressed jeans with a bunch of shit on the back pockets, and an untucked striped sport shirt.

Amir, we're just fucking with ya! Only wear this if you want to look like a participant in some sort of local university's toolbag cloning experiment.

Anyhow, the whole "club wear" concept is foreign to us and feels very TTH. On the contrary, you want to look like you didn't really try at all; you and some friends had dinner and just happened to end up on the floor, fist-pumping like Vinny from Jersey Shore.


Blagojevich Convicted on All Style Counts

Blagojevich Convicted on All Style Counts
Federal prosecutors were only able to convict former Illinois governer and First Toolbag Rod Blagojevich of a single count of lying to the FBI, but more significantly, they did unearth receipts showing a 7-year, $400,000 clothing budget for he and his wife at stores like Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus. (If this is ringing a bell somewhere, it definitely should.)

Blago also spent heavily at custom suitmaker Tom James Company and had custom dress shirts made by Geneva Custom Shirts. Yet, in spite of all the expense and bespoke tailoring, he failed to grasp even the most basic style truth: don't combine spread collars with four-in-hand knots.

SEE ALSO: Magnificent Bastard's Custom Shirt Reviews. (Unfortunately Geneva Custom Shirts was not one of the participants.

Ask the MB: Guy Fieri

Ask the MB: Guy Fieri
Q: When you finally get the Toolbag Fantasy League section of this site up and running, I call dibs on The Food Network's Guy Fieri. He is clearly the anchor for a championship caliber squad. I happened to flip past him on television last night and the guy is not missing a single facet of toolbagism. I of course am operating under the assumption that he had a cell phone belt holster hiding underneath his size XXL bowling style shirt with flames printed on it. Watch out fellow Fantasy Toolbag Leaguers, I plan on hoisting the silverware at the end of the season.
--Steven


A: Timely question/comment Steven, since the New York Times has a feature on the classic toolbag archetype in today's paper that begins with him opening a performance at Circus Maximus at Caesars Atlantic City to "Sweet Home Alabama."


Ask the MB: Rollerblading

Ask the MB: Rollerblading
Q: Great posts about biking. However, and I feel stupid for asking, my GF loves to Rollerblade. Is this an activity I can enjoy with her without looking like a total toolbag?
--Jared


A: Jared, watch this instructional Rollerblade video for ten seconds -- no, make that two seconds -- and the answer should be clear. In addition, we encourage you to read our extremely effective dating and relationship guide: separate interests. Okay, now re-read it, memorize it, and put it into action. When she goes Rollerblading, go play golf. When she's at yoga, take a nap. When she's gardening, pop a beer and watch The Big Game*. To paraphrase the Roman poet Sextus Propertius, the less time you spend together, the longer you'll stay together.

* any game where the National Anthem is played

Coffee Contest Winner

Coffee Contest Winner
We have a winner in the Bull Run Roasting Coffee Contest. His name is Kevin Forza and he treated us to a bit of poetry:

THE BALLAD OF A LONELY TOOLBAG

She was drinking Magnificent Bastards.
I was getting amazingly plastered.
    Rocking Tommy Bahama,
    I'm like, "Yo, babymama!"
(There are rules I still haven't mastered.)

Congratulations to Kevin. For writing poetry that maybe took 10 minutes he's won a year's supply of Magnificent Bastard "Morning After" Roast, two cool coffee mugs, and a Hario grinder. Enjoy, Kevin. We like your sense of humor and we sure hope you're kidding about rocking Tommy Bahama.

Ask the MB: Boating Hat

Ask the MB: Boating Hat
Q: I am looking for a hat to wear while on my boat. But hats are tricky and could easily fall into the TTH realm. Any suggestions?
--Matt


A: We like to think of boats as convertibles of the sea, and our rule for convertibles is to let Mother Nature serve as your stylist. As JFK convincingly demonstrates, nothing looks better than artfully dishevelled, wind-blown hair.

If you don't have enough hair for Mother Nature to style, we recommend the sort of low-profile, long-billed cap that Ernest Hemingway used to favor (top). Quaker Marine has been making them since 1948. Their Original Swordfish model will give you the protection from the sun you need while steering you clear of captain's hats, which have been relegated to the style brig for decades now due to their popularity amongst 1970s-era nautical toolbags and screw-ups.

Hurricane Van Gundy Hits America's Living Rooms

Hurricane Van Gundy Hits America's Living Rooms
Category 5 toolbag Stan Van Gundy is merely a regional style catastrophe 10 months out of the year. Every spring, however, the coach of the Orlando Magic becomes a national one during the NBA playoffs. Last night reader Nick wrote:

"Surely Stan Van Gundy of the Orland Magic deserves elevation to some sort of super toolbag status based on his 'attire' (using the word loosely) for Game 1 against Atlanta. The combination of mafia suit style, with black t-shirt, all completely ill-fitting even had my wife pausing in astonishment."

To Van Gundy's credit, he has replaced last year's mock turtleneck with a polo shirt. If he keeps that up, he may be downgraded to Category 4.

Ask the MB: Giant Logos. Safe or Unsafe?

Ask the MB: Giant Logos. Safe or Unsafe?
Why are Earth's polo shirt logos morphing into giant mutant cartoons? Am I in any danger?
--Owen


Owen, we assume you're talking about Lacoste's oversized reptiles and Ralph Lauren's iconic equestrian, which in recent years has grown bigger than most real-life jockeys.

In the case of Lacoste, as long you don't mind looking like the world's biggest three-year-old, there is no real danger. Ralph Lauren, on the other hand, has essentially created the preppy version of Ed Hardy shirts with his Big Pony and Rugby lines. If you ask us, one giant logo per polo shirt is one too many. Clutter things up with stripes, patches, flags, and other Anglophilic flair (TTH edition) and you've got a look that shouts "Muffy says no penilingus unless we rent in Sagaponack, but my heart is at the Jersey Shore." Keep your distance from these things -- second-hand toolbagism is a very real possibility.

Ask the MB: Tiger Woods' Sunglasses at The Masters

Ask the MB: Tiger Woods' Sunglasses at The Masters
Q: No comments about Tiger's Nike sunglasses at the Masters? I hope they enhanced his game, because they did nothing for his already lacking MB-ness.
--Nate


We know Woods spent the last few months in sex rehab, but based on his appearance at the Masters, we're wondering about the cure. To our eye, it looks like his therapists have simply stuck a pair of super-dark blind-guy glasses on him in the hope that they will prevent him from spotting trashy blonde blabbermouths in the gallery. And fed him a lot of donuts. On the bright side, he's wearing a collared shirt. And every day you can stay off the mock turtlenecks is a good day.

Jesse James Kills Toolbag Formalwear Forever

Jesse James Kills Toolbag Formalwear Forever
Guys, if you want to project that "Yes, I'll cheat on an adorable millionaire who loves my children as if they were her own" vibe, then by all means adopt this look -- which takes the Showbiz Toolbag look that we've previously documented to its natural end-point.

Sandra, we love you, always have, always will, no matter how many awful romantic comedies you make, but frankly, what did you expect from a guy who thinks the Oscars represent a great opportunity to dress like an undertaker at his junior prom? That suit alone should have been enough to initiate divorce proceedings.

Ask the MB: Earrings

Ask the MB: Earrings
Q: Shockingly you have never mentioned anything about your stance on earrings. I wear a very small silver hoop in my left ear and I consider myself to be moderately MB. My hot PhD wife certainly finds it sexy. What do you think?
--Mark


A: Sorry, Mark, here at Magnificent Bastard we think of earrings, even relatively understated ones like you describe, as a gateway drug to a spot on the next season of Jersey Shore. First comes the hoop earring, next comes Pauly D's blowout hairstyle.

Ask the MB: Michael J. Fox

Ask the MB: Michael J. Fox
Q: Is Michael J. Fox is a Magnificent Bastard in the 1987 movie The Secret of My Success?
--Daring


A: Well, let's see:

* White high-tops, worn outside of the gym
* Legible t-shirt
* T-shirt under jacket
* Suit jacket (instead of blazer), with padded shoulders
* Michael J. Fox

We're only kidding about Michael J. Fox. He (or at least many of his signature characters) is that rarest of specimens: A toolbag we actually like.

(Special note to champagne aficionados: If a waiter ever opens your bottle of Duval-Leroy and it ejaculates Michael J. Fox, send that bottle back!)


Ask the MB: Tony D'Aunnzio's Sunglasses from Caddyshack

Ask the MB: Tony D'Aunnzio's Sunglasses from <em>Caddyshack</em>
Q: I was looking for a place to buy a pair of sunglasses like the ones that the character Tony D'Annunzio from Caddyshack wears to the pool. I saw you put them as an example in one of your answers but I can't seem to find where I could buy a pair, or something like them and I was wondering if you knew of a place?
--James


A: Was Tony D'Annunzio The Situation before The Situation?

We cannot determine the exact make or model of D'Annunzio's sunglasses. (If you know, let us know.) The closest we think you're going to get -- and it's pretty close -- is vintage I Ski reflectors like the ones 44 is wearing (inset) before he turned into the most powerful toolbag on earth. These always turn up on eBay or vintage eyewear sites.

Ask the MB: Sport Shirt Buttoning

Ask the MB: Sport Shirt Buttoning
Q: Should an aspiring MB apply the polo shirt N-2 buttoning policy to sport shirts? Should one ever wear such a shirt with only the very top button unbuttoned, or would this be an example of toolbaggery?
--Russell


A: Unfortunately that simple formula does not apply to sport shirts because there are other factors at work, like button spacing, collar shape and size, and abundance (or, preferably, absence) of chest hair. In other words, it depends.

But to illustrate where we lean, take a look at a TBT (Typical Bravo Toolbag) at the top with two unbuttoned, and MB icon Paul Newman in a western -- a shirt almost demanding N-2 -- with just the top button unbuttoned.

Fleece: Stop the Madness

Fleece: Stop the Madness
Q: I'm not sure whether this is an "Ask the MB," a "Tip the MB," or just a general MB PSA, but: Can we all agree that wearing anything fleece -- ESPECIALLY a zip-up mock turtleneck -- under your suit or blazer rather than a coat *over* it is a one-way ticket to Toolbagville? It pains me to say that I have seen this with increasing frequency here in NYC (though mainly in the Midtown business-douche districts), and I can only conclude that these guys have finally discovered what exactly NOBODY ever wanted to find: the male equivalent of wearing sneakers with a skirt or pantsuit for the walk in to work. Please, for the love of God, people: Get a proper winter coat. Stop the madness.
--Chris


A: This is a look we'd expect to see in Pulaski, WI, not the Big Apple (though it would be fleece under a Carhartt jacket instead of a suit jacket). We're opposed to fleece because it violates the principal of organic materials (it's made from something called Polyethylene terephthalate), and we avoid wearing anything that sounds like it might give us cancer.



Ask the MB: Artfully Disheveled While Balding

Ask the MB: Artfully Disheveled While Balding
Q: I shave my head, due to hair loss, and feel that it detracts from your artfully disheveled standards. Are there any general rules for us smooth-domed MB wannabes that I should be following?
--Dan


A: Dan, you said you shave your head, but how often do you shave? We ask because in our opinion, the fully shaved look (aka the Savalas) as a can't-miss cure for baldness is ultimately about as can't-miss as Rogaine or Propecia -- it doesn't always work as advertised. If you're Michael Jordan, go for it. If not, well, just look at Jack (top) -- suddenly one of the world's coolest dudes looks like a bigger toolbag than Joe the Plumber.

Our advice: when you shave, leave enough stubble to make your wife/girlfriend think twice about asking for special favors. Then, don't shave again until you start worrying about the impact wind/hats are having on your hair. The more hair you have left on top, the more frequently you'll have to shave. When you're looking like Jackson Pollock (bottom), you're looking just right. When you're looking like Larry Fine (inset), you've let it go too far.

Swing Like Tiger

Swing Like Tiger
Like Don Draper, Tiger Woods has great taste in wives. Like Bill Clinton, he's got awful taste in mistresses. Seriously, we haven't seen this much toolbag arm candy since we were backstage at a Mötley Crüe reunion show a couple years ago. (Don't ask.)

Check their resumes, and we're betting 85% of them are Girls Gone Wild alumnae, classes of, oh, 1999-2002.

MB's #1 rule for picking mistresses: Do not count on a woman with fake boobs, fake nails, and fake hair color to be discrete.

MB's #2 rule for picking mistresses: If more than 50% of your side dishes have stripper names (Jaimee, Kalika, Cori, etc.), make sure you have a bulletproof pre-nup.

Top: Tiger signals his intent to spawn by taping large salmon to chest. The ladies love it!

1. Rachel Uchitel
2. Jaimee Grubbs
3. Kalika Moquin
4. Mindy Lawton. (We don't get this one. Is it possible she's banging some other guy named Tiger Woods?)
5. Jamie Jungers
6. Cori Rist
7. Holly Sampson
8. Artist depiction of Mistress #8. You know she's coming any minute, along with #9, #10 ... soon he'll have 18 holes.

(Memo to Jon Gosselin: Step up your game, because it looks like Tiger wants your Toolbag of the Millenium crown, and you know there's no one more clutch when a title is on the line.)


Jon Gosselin: Toolbag of the Millenium

Founding member, Hell's Toolbags
Founding member, Hell's Toolbags
Yes, we know there are 991 years until the year 3000. But does anyone really believe it's too early to declare Jon Gosselin Toolbag of the Millenium?









Death before dishonor. Dishonor before taste.
Totally about to kick the shit out of a car with his awesome business casual fighting skills. Or maybe doing the robot.
Apparently it hurts to wear this shirt almost as much as it hurts to look at it.
Flawless cigarette positioning completely destroyed by the fact that he's riding the world's only Oakley-branded lawnmower.
Toolbag Hold 'Em: I'll see your camo pants, and your beer gut, and your stupid hand gesture, and your lame backward Fred cap, and raise you a completely ridiculous bro-face!
Three-step plan to camouflage your bald spot: 1) Borrow Tommy Lee's belt. 2) Accessorize with Urkel's cell phone holster. 3) Go full frontal muffin top.
Using only the power of his mind, the Toolbag of the Millenium attempts to destroy the timeless style of the plain white tee.


Pop Quiz: Are You a Cocktail Toolbag?

Pop Quiz: Are You a Cocktail Toolbag?
Take this quiz and see:

1) Look at the bottle you get most of your hard liquor from.

2) Does it have a donkey or a seafaring male airing out his crotch on it?

3) If so, you're a toolbag.

Ask the MB: Mark Nason Boots

Rock & Republic Motorcycle Boots via bluefly.com, $240.00
Rock & Republic Motorcycle Boots via bluefly.com. $240.00.
Q: Are Mark Nason boots ok?
--Tom


A: We've previously weighed in on Mark Nason boots, categorizing them as TTH and a gross violation of the understatement principle. Not to mention, whenever we see someone wearing them they're usually only part of a bigger, more comprehensive toolbag look.

If it's that rocker vibe you need, try the more toned-down style of Rock & Republic. They keep the skulls and other junk on the sole. An even more understated choice that still passes as rock 'n' roll is John Varvatos, and you don't have to worry about keeping your feet off of anyone's desk.

Ask the MB: E-Cigarette

Ask the MB: E-Cigarette
Q: Can you tell me your thoughts about the ECigarette?
--Randall


A: Randall, besides being a gross violation of the principle of organic materials, the first time we saw this thing we thought it was a gag gift, on par with fake vomit and fake dog shit. Remarkably it's real (and incidentally delivers a real dose of nicotine). Can you tell how we feel? If not, we've created a useful chart below.







magnificent bastard fad/toolbag chart


Obama's Soccer Dad Jeans Still in the News

Obama's Soccer Dad Jeans Still in the News
A week after his girlish first pitch, it's Barack Obama's soccer dad jeans that are still in the news. Yesterday on the Today show Obama admitted to being "a little frumpy," and said, "I hate to shop."

A few observations:

* "I hate to shop" is not something a president should be saying during a recession!

* "I hate to shop" is such a lame refrain, as if by implicitly asserting his masculinity (because shopping is something guys don't like to do) that excuses his lousy style.

* We've been covering Obama's lousy style for over a year. He wore the infamous All Star Game getup 9 months earlier at a White Sox playoff game on October 12, 2008 (pictured). After winning the election his toolbaggery accelerated at such an alarming rate we wrote an entire feature on the phenomenon: From Cool to Tool: Tracking Barack Obama's Descent Into Toolbaggery.

Obama's most recent sartorial slip-up is just the latest in his crusade to win the crown of Least Stylish Black Man from Al Roker.

Jon Gosselin Palling With and Wearing Christian Audigier

Jon Gosselin Palling With and Wearing Christian Audigier
Jon & Kate Plus 8 reality TV star Jon Gosselin (32) was recently seen in St. Tropez with new squeeze Hailey Glassman (22) and "fashion designer" Christian Audigier. He was appropriately decked out in a signature Audigier shirt (pictured) which is only 2 skulls short of being the ugliest piece of clothing we've ever seen.

The French designer is possibly the greatest single contributor to what we've decided to refer to as neo-toolbagism, designing for or working on brands like Affliction, Von Dutch (remember the Von Dutch hat?), Ed Hardy, and his namesake Christian Audigier.

Toolbag Network Living Up to Its Name

Toolbag Network Living Up to Its Name
We've previously commented on Bravo being the Toolbag Network. They're clearly listening, and even turning it up a notch with the men on the new Real Housewives of New Jersey with "Steve" (top) in Ed Hardy t-shirt and hat, and "Joe" in 5'5", spiked hair, and screeching eagle-skull t-shirt (bottom).

We're sort of wondering if these guys are real. They are such toolbag archetypes we're not sure.

Ask the MB: Beer on the Golf Course

Ask the MB: Beer on the Golf Course
Q: What is the MB stance on drinking beer on the golf course? I like beer as much as the next guy and have been known to enjoy a beer during a round. But I turned a buddy down during a recent round when he asked if I wanted one. Aside from any possible negative effects on my score, the reason was that I realized that about 95% of the people I see drinking beer on the course exhibit all the symptoms of a toolbag (cargo shorts, untucked shirts, Oakleys, taking way too long, etc.). So I came to the conclusion that, while drinking beer while playing may not be inherently toolbag, it becomes toolbag by association.

So what says the MB? Is drinking beer on the course ever acceptable? If not, is there an acceptable alternative alcoholic beverage?
--Brett


A: Brett, you started off by asking a question, and then, after some toolbag observation and deductive reasoning, answered it on your own, correctly. Well done. As for Part 2 of your question, we never drink on the golf course as it negatively affects performance, again, as you observe. However, once we putt out on 18 it's a stampede to the bar that's sometimes a potentially life-threatening The Who-like experience.

Ask the MB: Keen Sandals

Ask the MB: Keen Sandals
Q: I'm an avid reader... and have to say... you're starting to read my mind. Last night, my wife and I were watching TV -- and saw the belt bug spray fan-thing. I said, I bet the MB would NOT approve of that. She agreed and said it looks like a flea collar. Now, less than 12 hours later, you post something on it. You da man.

Now here's a situation that you're sure to agree with me. I bought these shoes. They have the feel of Crocs (though, I must say I have NEVER owned a pair.) I plan to wear them to the pool, at the beach and when we go whitewater rafting. But the other day, I saw someone wear a pair to the movies. When will toolbags learn?
--John


A: John, we may need to graduate you to full-on Vulcan mind-meld. The fact that you mentioned Crocs in the same breath as a recent footwear purchase should set off alarm bells. Do you still have the receipt?

We're strongly opposed to this entire genre of footwear, whether it be Crocs, Keen, or Teva. These are for the fleece and granola set, where MBs are as rare as a dodo bird.

Incidentally, for the rafting we recommend an old pair of Jack Purcells. They work great and look amazing.


Loudmouth Golf Pants

Loudmouth Golf Pants
We're all in favor of bringing back some '70s style to the course -- the MB in the header photo is wearing vintage flowered Lilly Pulitzer shorts -- but Scott Woodsworth's Loudmouth Golf is an homage gone horribly wrong:

Top: John Daly at the BMW PGA Championship at the Wentworth Club, England, over the weekend in Loudmouth Golf's "Disco Balls" pants. Looks like a clown's pajamas.

Bottom: The "Chicks Dig Loudmouth" photo gallery is a toolbag extravaganza.


The Oakley Touch

IPHONE CASE V.2 via oakley.com, $30.00
IPHONE CASE V.2 via oakley.com. $30.00.
Sure, the iPhone is fine for urban applications. But what if you want to take your tweeting off-road? Then, you need something a little more rugged, like Oakley's new Hummerized iPhone case. We suspect it gets terrible gas mileage. We suspect Arnold Schwarzenegger already owns seven of them. Naturally, this seals it for us. Oakley is the King Midas of contemporary design. Anything it touches instantly turns toolbaggy. Don't believe us?


Ask the MB: Mother's Day Charity Event

Ask the MB: Mother's Day Charity Event
Q: So I have to attend this (outdoor charity) event for Mother's Day with my wife and son (2 yrs) where your entry ticket is this gaudy t-shirt that violates every known MB principle: logos, legibility, ugly, etc. My question is: since I have to wear this (I have to attend), is there any way to salvage it? Should I wear the rest of the ensemble as if I was wearing some other MB-approved shirt? Or would that just look too stupid (i.e. too much of a clash between MB-ness and clear toolbaggery) and should I just throw in the towel and just toolbag this all the way? Sorry for the short notice but I was just informed yesterday, and Mother's Day is just a few days away!
--Rob


A: Rob, your mother probably once told you: Two wrongs do not make a right. Don't cave and go full-on toolbag. Even the ugliest event t-shirt can be mitigated and possibly overcome with the right ensemble. Since you are going to be very unformfortable on top, get very comfortable on the bottom with your go-to denim and sneakers (or sandals, if you've recently had a pedicure). Even if monsoons are predicted, add some vintage sunglasses to the look. They can block toolbaggery almost as well as UV rays, and will provide cover for pained facial expressions.

Of course, even with these tactics, you won't be able to forget the fact that you're wearing the shirt -- because you'll be surrounded by it -- so we also advise that you get drunk as quickly as possible. Skip the beer and go straight to the hard stuff.

Kenny Perry: Just Too Much Toolbaggery to Overcome

Kenny Perry: Just Too Much Toolbaggery to Overcome
Yesterday Kenny Perry nearly defied all odds and became the oldest (and least stylish) man to win a major. But, alas, no:

From top to bottom:

* Split hem pants with the equivalent of running shoe golf shoes. Leave this European-style pant hem to those who can execute it, like Ian Poulter.

* Excessive wrist, hand, and visor accessorization. Wedding ring negatively affects grip pressure.

* Plastic green tee. No joke! Gross violation of the principle of organic materials.

* Toolbag caddy Fred Sanders. Seals the deal.

Winner? Angel Cabrera.


Ben Roethlisberger: Some Things Just Ain't Right

Ben Roethlisberger: Some Things Just Ain't Right
Ben Roethlisberger is just 26, has two Super Bowl rings, and is likely headed to the Hall of Fame. But the poor fella would probably trade it all for even a shred of style.

Well, maybe not. But since "Big Ben" is single, and apparently only dating the struggling Canadian-born actress and Hilary Swank look-a-like contest winner Missy Peregrym, one upside of the Steelers' win is there aren't any pictures of Brenda Warner descending on her husband like a blue, crew-cut alien.

Contact the MB: Vanilla Ice

Contact the MB: Vanilla Ice
I just wanted to point out a video of a recent public appearance of Vanilla Ice at a Denver Nuggets halftime show. Not only is it basketball (see recent post about ball size), Mr. Ice appears to follow every rule for looking (and acting) like a complete toolbag.
--Joshua

A: We are working on a new feature that examines toolbags through the ages, from the cavemen to the guys on Tool Academy, and we've discovered in our research that Vanilla Ice should get special merit for reinventing himself several times, yet having his essential toolbaggery always shine through.










Tool Commonalities

Tool Commonalities
In case you missed last night's premiere of VH1's Tool Academy, there clearly emerged some style commonalities, most of which we've railed against since launching this site 18 months ago:

* printed t-shirts (plus legibility)
* tattoos
* wrap-around sunglasses
* cockeyed baseball caps
* necklaces
* earrings
* skulls
* spiked hair/excessive hair product
* excessively military-inspired jackets
* oversized watches
* briefs
* untucked sport shirts
* public push-ups
* ed hardy
* lots of "bro"s and "dude"s



Tool Academy

<em>Tool Academy</em>
Next week VH1 is premiering a show called Tool Academy where "9 frustrated women, all dating complete tools, will take one last chance at reforming them by enrolling them in the only place that can make a difference and transform them: the Tool Academy." Either this is the best thing since The Pickup Artist or the worst thing since that Geico Caveman show, but we demand royalties regardless. Watch the "supertrailer."

Tool Academy premieres next Monday, January 12 on VH1.

Barack Obama: Camelnot

Barack Obama: Camelnot
On our extended break -- incidentally, we consumed enough Dewar's Rob Roys to kill the average bloke -- there were some very disturbing photos taken of the President-elect. (We had our suspicions back in July when he met the troops.) Sure, Barack Obama might soon be the 44th President of the United States, but the poor fella is a raging toolbag.

Photoshop Can't Fix Everything

Photoshop Can't Fix Everything
Neither Jesus-like outer glow feature, nor intently staring off into the distance can save David Beckham from looking like a toolbag with Motorola's Motopure Bluetooth headset.


Ask the MB: Turtleneck Clarification

Ask the MB: Turtleneck Clarification
Q: I'm unclear on your turtleneck position. Are saying it was only ok in 1968 and for chaps much more MB than I'll ever be? I have a navy tall mock turtleneck (taller than a mock but not enough to fold over) that I love. Not MB?
--Scott


A: We're saying McQueen, Player, and Newkirk helped make the turtleneck forever cool. If you don't have enough material to fold over, or let flop down in an artfully disheveled way, then you ought to keep it in your closet. Or perhaps burn it. Anything even veering towards mock should be avoided or you might start looking like Tiger Woods. And that ain't good.

Todd Palin: Proof that Money Cannot Buy Style

Todd Palin: Proof that Money Cannot Buy Style
In spite of her ass, we have a strong hunch that Sarah and Todd Palin will slowly fade back into obscurity, and end up as an Admiral Stockdale-equivalent historical footnote. Which is a shame because this is a couple that keeps on giving.

Yesterday Newsweek reported Sarah Palin actually spent more than $150,000 on her wardrobe and makeover, and big chunk of dough went to clothe her husband:

One aide estimated that she spent "tens of thousands" more than the reported $150,000, and that $20,000 to $40,000 went to buy clothes for her husband. Some articles of clothing have apparently been lost. An angry aide characterized the shopping spree as "Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast," and said the truth will eventually come out when the Republican Party audits its books.
We find this report a little hard to believe. Unless he's buying gold-plated boxers, there just ain't no way $20-$40K is going for cheap-looking 3-button black suits, shiny red silk ties, logoed fleece, and square-toe oxfords.

Sarah Palin Rallies Draw Toolbags

Sarah Palin Rallies Draw Toolbags
Really no shock here:
Her recent events drew scruffy high-schoolers in backward baseball caps, tank-topped bikers in bandanas and long-bearded veterans in berets. They crashed the rope line for photos and autographs. "Marry me, Sarah," a man implored in Weirs Beach, N.H., while Ms. Palin held up a tow-headed toddler and patted his little chest. She ignored, or didn't hear, the proposal, but signed the dude's ratty baseball cap.
Shouldn't Tony Romo be studying game film?


We Wish We'd Thought of This: Bluetool

We Wish We'd Thought of This: Bluetool
Three cheers to Details magazine for coining a new term: bluetool

n. A person who wears a Bluetooth earpiece at any time other than while driving.
Provenance: Annoyed pedestrians
Usage: "The bluetool behind me on the sidewalk was telling the loudest story about who he hooked up with the night before."


Movie Toolbags -- 'Nuke' LaLoosh

Movie Toolbags -- 'Nuke' LaLoosh
It's sometimes useful to look to cinema for reinforcement of style principles. When the creators of Bull Durham wanted to create a shlubby, clueless rookie pitcher "with a million dollar arm and the 5-cent head" they dressed Ebby Calvin 'Nuke' LaLoosh in:

1. Pleated, linen pants. (Note the wrinkles!)
2. Tommy Bahama-style camp shirt.
3. Shiny gold watch and ring.
4. Pinkie ring.

What Not to Do: Look Like Slade from Bravo's Date My Ex

What Not to Do: Look Like Slade from Bravo's <em>Date My Ex</em>
Yes, we've got Bravo on full-time in the MB office, partially because it's The Toolbag Channel. The examples of what not to do are irresistable. Like Slade from Date My Ex. Shiny gold watch, shiny gold ring, and that scarf epitomizes TTH (Trying Too Hard). MBs can safely avoid all three things (and the hand gesturing, too).



Twins Turning Brad Pitt Into Toolbag?

Twins Turning Brad Pitt Into Toolbag?
Besides sleepless nights and double diaper duty, twins can apparently initiate toolbag-dom on even Hollywood elite:

1. Grecian Formula not supposed to remove all the gray.
2. Un-ironic goatee strikingly similar to Toolbag Extraordinaire Ben Affleck (inset).
3. Gold necklace.

Contact the MB -- Toolbag Weekend

Toolbag in the Wild
Toolbag in the Wild
You have an uphill battle, my beloved MB. I offer you My Toolbag Weekend. In San Luis Obispo, CA for the 4th:

1) Short-legged 50-year-old man in long cargo shorts, orange crocs and Tommy Bahama Independence Day aloha shirt.

2) Tall man at dinner, every electronic device known to mankind, clipped to his belt with.... an electric blue carabiner.

3) Father of three teenagers, who know he needed to remove his ballcap upon entering the restaurant, so he attached it to the specially-made BALLCAP HOOK hanging from his belt, and lastly...

4) Ubiquitous TV ads for the buy-one-get-one-free amazing cell phone belt/car/shower clip. Only $10 while supplies last.

Good luck to you guys.
--Dru


Total Toolbag: Harold Ickes

Total Toolbag: Harold Ickes
Does anyone in the Clinton campaign have even a shred of style? Hillary is clearly a disaster, and it's rubbed off on senior advisor and head worm Harold Ickes, yesterday on Meet the Press strobing like a discotheque in an ill-fitting checked blazer paired with checked shirt.

Earth's Biggest Toolbag: Discovered

Earth's Biggest Toolbag: Discovered
And it didn't require some kind of exhaustive worldwide search, either. This tool was visible from sofas nationwide: Simon from Real Housewives of New York.

1. Dude squirted cologne on his face eight fucking times.
2. Wore a gold bow tie, pocket square, and cummerbund; rode to Metropolitan Opera in Lincoln limo. The vulgarity!
3. Actually attaches value to wife appearing in Style section of New York Times.
4. Crashes wife's Girls' Night Out. And wears poor-man's fu-manchu moustache. Dude!


Tony the Toolbag

Being from Wisconsin ain't no excuse
Being from Wisconsin ain't no excuse
Not only do the Cowboys have to overcome their NFC opponents to make it to the Super Bowl, they need to overcome the ongoing toolbaggery of their quarterback. Interviewed by NFL Network over The Jessica Simpson Episode, Tony Romo wore a bright salmon, logoed button-down collar shirt with the buttons unbuttoned. In most cases we would expect the Significant Other to correct this situation, but Jessica Simpson most likely dressed him for the interview.


Millionaire Matchmaker = Toolbag Extravaganza

<em>Millionaire Matchmaker</em> = Toolbag Extravaganza
Last night Bravo previewed their new show Millionaire Matchmaker, and it's proof positive that all the money in the world (or even $1 million) can't by a nickel's worth of style. When the show launches in January these guys promise to deliver countless hours of toolbag amusement. Clockwise from top left: in a music video; spinning on a stripper pole; strapping electronic shit to his belt holding up his saggy-ass ripped denim; in a grotesquely ugly shirt.


Fan Quality Dooms Jacksonville's Chances

Fan Quality Dooms Jacksonville's Chances
We realize we're a day late on this news, but it occurs to us the reason why Jacksonville lost its upset bid against the Colts on Monday night wasn't because its starting quarterback got knocked out of the game, or because Indianapolis is a better team. No, it was all due to the extreme toolbaggery of the Jacksonville Jaguar fans. Thing 1 sports a cause bracelet, while Thing 2 -- presumably an adult male -- eats out a foam vagina.



Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That
You hopefully caught this bit on last night's Daily Show, where Jon Stewart and Rob Corddry were having fun attributing footwear to gay sex in men's bathrooms:

JS: So different taps mean different things?

RC: That's right Jon, it's a complex language. Wing tips mean you're a married man. Socks with sandals means this is your first time. Oh, and Jon, any one of those brightly colored plastic crocs, that means anything goes. We're talking hard-core ass-to-mouth stuff; scat play!

And Jon, that's not just in bathrooms, OK? Anytime you see anyone wearing crocs, be wary. Be wary.

JS: What does that mean Rob?

RC: If they are wearing crocs they are soliciting incredibly deprived gay sex. You can take that to the bank.

(The video in question is currently the main clip on the Daily Show site.)

Ask the MB

Ask the MB
Q: I am wondering how you acquired the photo of the toolbag in the wild (Marlin Perkins Would Be Proud). I believe I can place the sighting and actually visited the establishment last evening. Even though I try not to look like a toolbag myself I am concerned I need to be extra careful since it appears establishments I frequent are being watched.
—Concerned Citizen


A: Indeed, a MB staffer spotted this toolbag at Brit's Pub in downtown Minneapolis, and a few cell phone pics were surreptitiously snapped. Believe us when we say no one feels worse about this than we do. It's just that when wanton toolbaggery appears at one of our favorite hangouts (and a Minneapolis institution no less), that kind of naked aggression against style will not stand, man, and something needed to be done.

You've surely heard of the Edmund Burke quote: "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." It applies here.





Marlin Perkins Would Be Proud

Crocs. For real.
Crocs. For real.
Just like Marlin Perkins was out there, researching pygmy elephants for Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, staffers at magnificentbastard.com are out looking for toolbags in the wild. They're out there. Be careful.

Total Toolbag Preview

Toolbag? Or douchebag? Definitely a 'bag' species of some kind.
Toolbag? Or douchebag? Definitely a 'bag' species of some kind.
Stay tuned to a new feature coming to magnificentbastard.com: Top 10 Ways to Look Like a Total Toolbag. High on the list: Oakley blades.

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Got a style question? We're all ears. And antlers. Ask away.


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