magnificent bastard

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Not sure if you should wear that Tommy Bahama shirt out tonight? The magnificent bastard is here to help. Go ahead. Ask away.

Linen. It sucks.
Top 10 Ways to Look Like a Total Toolbag
How To Determine If Your Chick Is a Dirty Girl

channel: toolbag

Bowflex Turns Teddy Bear Family Man into Shirtless Toolbag
As demonstrated by the latest Bowflex ad campaign.
posted:
10.7.08
filed under:
- toolbag
We Wish We'd Thought of This: Bluetool
Three cheers to Details magazine for coining a new term: bluetool

n. A person who wears a Bluetooth earpiece at any time other than while driving.
Provenance: Annoyed pedestrians
Usage: "The bluetool behind me on the sidewalk was telling the loudest story about who he hooked up with the night before."
posted:
8.27.08
filed under:
- toolbag
- accessories
Usain Bolt Wins Gold In Spite of Un-Magnificent Over-Accessorization
Fans and critics are both saying Usain Bolt could've run even faster than 9.69 had it not been for the last 10m of showboating (top). Maybe, but he certainly would've been faster without the drag of the cause wristband, pinkie ring, and shiny gold ring (bottom).
posted:
8.18.08
filed under:
- accessories
- toolbag
Movie Toolbags -- 'Nuke' LaLoosh
It's sometimes useful to look to cinema for reinforcement of style principles. When the creators of Bull Durham wanted to create a shlubby, clueless rookie pitcher "with a million dollar arm and the 5-cent head" they dressed Ebby Calvin 'Nuke' LaLoosh in:

1. Pleated, linen pants. (Note the wrinkles!)
2. Tommy Bahama-style camp shirt.
3. Shiny gold watch and ring.
4. Pinkie ring.
posted:
8.15.08
filed under:
What Not to Do: Look Like Slade from Bravo's Date My Ex
Yes, we've got Bravo on full-time in the MB office, partially because it's The Toolbag Channel. The examples of what not to do are irresistable. Like Slade from Date My Ex. Shiny gold watch, shiny gold ring, and that scarf epitomizes TTH (Trying Too Hard). MBs can safely avoid all three things (and the hand gesturing, too).
posted:
8.13.08
filed under:
Toolbag of the Year?
Discovered, perhaps. Just look at that awful ventless blazer. Hello Miami Vice, or Guido the Killer Pimp.

Thanks to reader Kevin C. for the submission.

If you think you can beat it, send a photo to editor@magnificentbastard.com.
posted:
7.23.08
filed under:
- toolbag
- blazers
Is Barack Obama a Toolbag?
Quick, someone help Mr. Obama with his casual wear.

1. Double pleats.
2. Belt-clipped cell phone.
3. Frankenshoe. Part cross-trainer, part rock climber, part office casual. All wrong.

(Not pictured: Obama's new flag pin.)
posted:
7.21.08
filed under:
- toolbag
- celebrities
Twins Turning Brad Pitt Into Toolbag?
Besides sleepless nights and double diaper duty, twins can apparently initiate toolbag-dom on even Hollywood elite:

1. Grecian Formula not supposed to remove all the gray.
2. Un-ironic goatee strikingly similar to Toolbag Extraordinaire Ben Affleck (inset).
3. Gold necklace.
posted:
7.21.08
filed under:
- toolbag
- celebrities
Toolbag in the Wild
Contact the MB -- Toolbag Weekend
You have an uphill battle, my beloved MB. I offer you My Toolbag Weekend. In San Luis Obispo, CA for the 4th:

1) Short-legged 50-year-old man in long cargo shorts, orange crocs and Tommy Bahama Independence Day aloha shirt.

2) Tall man at dinner, every electronic device known to mankind, clipped to his belt with.... an electric blue carabiner.

3) Father of three teenagers, who know he needed to remove his ballcap upon entering the restaurant, so he attached it to the specially-made BALLCAP HOOK hanging from his belt, and lastly...

4) Ubiquitous TV ads for the buy-one-get-one-free amazing cell phone belt/car/shower clip. Only $10 while supplies last.

Good luck to you guys.
--Dru
posted:
7.10.08
filed under:
Ask the MB -- Ankle Tattoos
Q: On your "Top 10 Ways to Look Like a Total Toolbag" you forgot to add Number 11 -- trendoid ankle tattoos.
--Brian

A: Only guitar amplifiers go to eleven, not toolbag lists. However, if you look closely at The Toolbag you'll clearly see the "trendoid ankle tattoo."

We consider this matter closed.
posted:
6.11.08
filed under:
Total Toolbag: Harold Ickes
Does anyone in the Clinton campaign have even a shred of style? Hillary is clearly a disaster, and it's rubbed off on senior advisor and head worm Harold Ickes, yesterday on Meet the Press strobing like a discotheque in an ill-fitting checked blazer paired with checked shirt.
posted:
6.2.08
filed under:
- toolbag
- 2008
Earth's Biggest Toolbag: Discovered
And it didn't require some kind of exhaustive worldwide search, either. This tool was visible from sofas nationwide: Simon from Real Housewives of New York.

1. Dude squirted cologne on his face eight fucking times.
2. Wore a gold bow tie, pocket square, and cummerbund; rode to Metropolitan Opera in Lincoln limo. The vulgarity!
3. Actually attaches value to wife appearing in Style section of New York Times.
4. Crashes wife's Girls' Night Out. And wears poor-man's fu-manchu moustache. Dude!
posted:
4.9.08
filed under:
- toolbag
Top Toolbag: Tom Colicchio?
Top Chef's lead judge Tom Colicchio, last night decked out in an unbuttoned black woven shirt, over a black t-shirt. We bet Mr. Colicchio $1000 his shirt, besides being black, was also overlong and untucked.

Um. Nevermind.

See also: yesterday's post touching on this matter.
posted:
3.27.08
filed under:
Being from Wisconsin ain't no excuse
Tony the Toolbag
Not only do the Cowboys have to overcome their NFC opponents to make it to the Super Bowl, they need to overcome the ongoing toolbaggery of their quarterback. Interviewed by NFL Network over The Jessica Simpson Episode, Tony Romo wore a bright salmon, logoed button-down collar shirt with the buttons unbuttoned. In most cases we would expect the Significant Other to correct this situation, but Jessica Simpson most likely dressed him for the interview.
posted:
1.1.08
filed under:
- celebrities
- toolbag
Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson: True Love
Toolbag quarterback Tony Romo has landed what we consider to be the perfect toolbag accessory: ditzy fake blonde with dark roots, huge hoop earrings, and sunglasses propped on her head. She's only about 1/2 a notch up the white-trash-o-meter from Britney.
posted:
12.17.07
filed under:
- toolbag
- celebrities
Millionaire Matchmaker = Toolbag Extravaganza
Last night Bravo previewed their new show Millionaire Matchmaker, and it's proof positive that all the money in the world (or even $1 million) can't by a nickel's worth of style. When the show launches in January these guys promise to deliver countless hours of toolbag amusement. Clockwise from top left: in a music video; spinning on a stripper pole; strapping electronic shit to his belt holding up his saggy-ass ripped denim; in a grotesquely ugly shirt.
posted:
12.12.07
filed under:
- toolbag
What Can Brown Do For You?
Deliver perhaps the most smug, arrogant toolbag on TV today: The UPS Whiteboard Guy. Is it just us, or do these ads make you want to beat the living crap out of this dude?
posted:
10.30.07
filed under:
- misc
- toolbag
Fan Quality Dooms Jacksonville's Chances
We realize we're a day late on this news, but it occurs to us the reason why Jacksonville lost its upset bid against the Colts on Monday night wasn't because its starting quarterback got knocked out of the game, or because Indianapolis is a better team. No, it was all due to the extreme toolbaggery of the Jacksonville Jaguar fans. Thing 1 sports a cause bracelet, while Thing 2 -- presumably an adult male -- eats out a foam vagina.
posted:
10.24.07
filed under:
- misc
- toolbag
Handicapping This Weekend's Big Game
Oddmakers have made the Patriots a 5-point favorite over the Cowboys for this weekend's big game, but it should be at least a touchdown given the quarterback matchup: a Magnificent Bastard vs. Tony Romo and his toolbag tendencies.
posted:
10.12.07
filed under:
- toolbag
- misc
Alberto Gonzales: Potential Toolbag?
You already suspected this, with his Men's Warehouse pinstripes and $19.99 red ties. Now there's likely confirmation as he sports a cause wristband, definitely a strong indicator of toolbaggery. If only he'd chosen a yellow "Livestrong" version (in place of the pink) he'd still be Attorney General.
posted:
10.11.07
filed under:
- toolbag
Not That There's Anything Wrong With That
You hopefully caught this bit on last night's Daily Show, where Jon Stewart and Rob Corddry were having fun attributing footwear to gay sex in men's bathrooms:

JS: So different taps mean different things?

RC: That's right Jon, it's a complex language. Wing tips mean you're a married man. Socks with sandals means this is your first time. Oh, and Jon, any one of those brightly colored plastic crocs, that means anything goes. We're talking hard-core ass-to-mouth stuff; scat play!

And Jon, that's not just in bathrooms, OK? Anytime you see anyone wearing crocs, be wary. Be wary.

JS: What does that mean Rob?

RC: If they are wearing crocs they are soliciting incredibly deprived gay sex. You can take that to the bank.

(The video in question is currently the main clip on the Daily Show site.)
posted:
9.11.07
filed under:
- toolbag
- crocs
Ask the MB
Q: I am wondering how you acquired the photo of the toolbag in the wild (Marlin Perkins Would Be Proud). I believe I can place the sighting and actually visited the establishment last evening. Even though I try not to look like a toolbag myself I am concerned I need to be extra careful since it appears establishments I frequent are being watched.
—Concerned Citizen

A: Indeed, a MB staffer spotted this toolbag at Brit's Pub in downtown Minneapolis, and a few cell phone pics were surreptitiously snapped. Believe us when we say no one feels worse about this than we do. It's just that when wanton toolbaggery appears at one of our favorite hangouts (and a Minneapolis institution no less), that kind of naked aggression against style will not stand, man, and something needed to be done.

You've surely heard of the Edmund Burke quote: "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." It applies here.
posted:
8.29.07
filed under:
- ask the MB
- toolbag
Top 10 Ways To Look Like A Total Toolbag
See the complete toolbag photo shoot with descriptions and commentary.
posted:
8.2.07
filed under:
- toolbag
Top 10 Ways To Look Like A Total Toolbag — #4 Gold Chain
May we suggest tucking that in? Or maybe taking it off and sticking it in a drawer somewhere?

Check in later this week for the complete Top 10.
posted:
7.31.07
filed under:
- jewelry
- toolbag
Leave these for the kiddies
Top 10 Ways To Look Like A Total Toolbag — #10 Crocs
This is Toolbag Week on Magnificent Bastard. Coming in at #10 is crocs.

If you can read this, you're too old to wear crocs.

If you insist on this type of footwear, may be suggest the Camper Wabi? They also start with the letter "C."
posted:
7.30.07
filed under:
Next Week Is Toolbag Week
Yo yo yo. C'mon back next week, and have your own toolbag examples ready for upload.
posted:
7.27.07
filed under:
- toolbag
Crocs. For real.
Marlin Perkins Would Be Proud
Just like Marlin Perkins was out there, researching pygmy elephants for Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, staffers at magnificentbastard.com are out looking for toolbags in the wild. They're out there. Be careful.
posted:
7.26.07
filed under:
- crocs
- toolbag
Toolbag? Or douchebag? Definitely a 'bag' species of some kind.
Total Toolbag Preview
Stay tuned to a new feature coming to magnificentbastard.com: Top 10 Ways to Look Like a Total Toolbag. High on the list: Oakley blades.
posted:
7.13.07
filed under: