Not sure if you should wear that Tommy Bahama shirt out tonight? The magnificent bastard is here to help. Go ahead. Ask away.
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 Until recently we could safely say that jorts were the worst thing to happen to summer since domed baseball stadiums. Then, someone invented dorts -- designer jean shorts. As the weather gets hotter, they're showing up everywhere -- just like mosquitos. Consider these things carriers of a deadly neuroinvasive style virus and repel at all costs.
From top:
John Varvatos
$185
Wear these dorts if you want people to think you robbed a midget hipster's cuffed jeans.
Adriano Goldschmied
$156
Bloomingdale's teaches us a shrewd retailer's trick. If your stock of medium wash AGs don't sell at $129.50, cut off their legs and charge more!
Antik Denim
$47
Have you heard the one about the doctor who removed a patient's perfectly functioning lung while leaving the cancerous one in place? This is the jeans version of that. The least offensive part of these things -- the legs -- have been amputated. The hideous malignant pockets are left intact. Who are the quacks in charge of pants surgery at Antik? They should be sued for malpractice.  posted:4.26.10 filed under:  via Neiman Marcus. $172.00.Q: I read your article about shorts at night and wanted present a more specific scenario. You said, "Wearing shorts after dark is strictly for college boys and parking valets." However, I live on an island (Galveston, TX) where local culture seems to allow shorts at any time and nearly any place. Would shorts after dark be MB-approved in this situation?
--Justin
A: Sure, you can wear shorts after dark in Galveston, but only if you're planning to make an appearance on COPS. If you are, we also recommend ditching your shirt and your teeth too, to complete the outfit. If a COPS cameo is not in the cards, get to know lightweight denim like this AG version; they will change the way you think about jeans. Just don't pair with those boots. posted:5.20.09 filed under: via AG. $156.00.It's May Day, which means it's time to break out the white jeans (even if at our Pulaski, WI offices it's barely 60 degrees). We've had a few and we always come back to the Adriano Goldschmied version in the "Protege" fit. They're worn in this early MB header photo. Women's legs draped over yours not included, but highly recommended nevertheless. posted:5.1.09 filed under: Q: Dear MB: Over the past several months, I've come to trust your sense of style and taste. I'm curious to know if the MB is up for the challenge of applying your gift of knowing what's right and wrong in the world of style to the opposite sex. I'm facing my 20-year high school reunion this summer, which will be held at an upscale downtown drinking establishment (no VFW for this group). I'm tall (5'9") and thin in a healthy way. I want an ensemble that conveys success and looks good with a Tanqueray and tonic in hand, and doesn't scream Stepford wife or "I'm a suburban mom of two" (which I am). Do you think you can help?
--Cindy
Of course, dear.
Before we get to our outfit suggestions, a couple of important MB Class Reunion Principles to follow:
#1. Principle of Looking Like You Don't Give a Shit. Try looking like you don't take this event too seriously, like you and your husband were out for a casual dinner or gallery opening and then you thought, "Geez, isn't tonight my 20th class reunion?"
#2. Principle of Investing in Your Wardrobe. Don't waste a penny of precious clothing budget on something like a cocktail dress that you'll wear once. Class reunions are chock full of anticlimax. Splurge, but only on something that will likely be in style at the 30th.
And now on to the recommendations:
Pants: Denim, for sure. Not too tight, with a wide opening to allow the ballet flats (below) just enough room to peek out. For women we're partial to AG (pictured, $82.00 -- on sale) and Hudson, but denim is personal so go with whatever fits you best and makes you feel good.
Top: Something simple and updated, like this Vince sheer jersey tee. $48.00, via Barney's Co-Op. Cap sleeves will increase the already heightened drama of your long appendages.
Footwear: Ballet flats, of course. Consider making your shoes your statement piece (only one allowed per outfit), like these faux snakeskin lowcuts from London Sole ($155.00). Suitable for dancing.
Handbag: Pay tribute to one of the all-time greats (and simultaneously keep it casual) with this Yves Saint Laurent brown pebbled messenger bag. $632.00, via bluefly. There might even be room for a diaper and wipes in there.
Outerwear: What if it rains? Or if the event makes its way outside? Let Rag & Bone protect you from the elements, evening chill, and small talk with their Mac Trench. $585.00, via shopbop.
Accessories: Wow that wedding band of yours is serious business. Communicate your fun side -- you read this site after all -- with something whimsical (and affordable) like this blue lucite bracelet with cameo. $14.99, via Target.
Have fun and let us know how it goes. posted:6.17.08 filed under: via AG. $325.00.Q: I am an aspiring MB. I do my best to adhere to your teachings. I ran into some trouble the other day while shopping for a new pair of jeans. I was at Nordstrom, going from section to section looking for a good pair, I inquired with the clerk what jeans would work best for my build (tall slim). The problem came when I realized I didn't like any of the jeans. Every pair was distressed and creased, they looked like they had all been pulled form fire at the Levi's factory. Now mind you I don't mind a little fad to the color, or even a tasteful fringe. But I feel like designers are just going overboard with this distressed thing. I feel like it's gone the way of the skull. (I figure if you see Hulk Hogan in it, it is non-MB) Anyway I left the store without buying anything. I settled on nice pair of slightly faded black Von Dutch. What is the MB stance on distressed? Is it done?
--Cooper
A: Well, it's not done according to AG, who's selling a "25 Year" jean for $325. We've never been a fan of distressed because it's unauthentic, like fake boobs. Wear your favorite pair of AGs for a few years and they'll be distressed, and real. posted:4.2.08 filed under: via AG. $182.00.Regular readers know we're really high on Adriano Goldschmied jeans for men. As much as they may make dudes' asses magically look good, they make the female form look even better, as witnessed by his four new wide-leg styles. Girls, if ya'll 'r readin' this, get into a pair of these.
Pretty please. posted:9.18.07 filed under: Q: White jeans? Alright for a straight man to wear? If so, is there a specific time of the year they are acceptable?
—Mike Stevens
A: Short answers: Yes. Of course. Not really.
We don't know where the notion that only gay men can wear white jeans came from, but we don't like it one bit. They're a required item in any Magnificent Bastard's closet. White jeans, a cool tee or polo, and non-plastic sandals or flip-flops ... that's rocking the shit no matter if MB prefers dudes or chicks.
Regarding timing, old school says Memorial Day to Labor Day. In this case, old school is wrong. It takes a certain degree of confidence and "I don't care what anyone thinks" mentality (MBs have both of these in spades), but even if you're not a rock-n-roller you can wear white jeans to a May Day parade and to the final regular season MLB baseball game. Check your favorite team's schedule.
(Incidentally, the jeans pictured are AG Protege fit. They're Tony the Tiger great. Available only in stores.) posted:8.22.07 filed under: via Tobi. $69.00.A few weeks ago we marveled at how AG jeans magically make your ass look good.
Well, over the weekend, MB staffers uncovered a stash of some of AG's best stuff, on deep discount at Tobi. The ultra-thin denim is best-suited for (next) summer, but the price can't be beat. posted:8.12.07 filed under: via Costco. $124.99.It's true. We're not sure what kind of magic Adriano Goldschmied works, but even if you're not working out to the "Buns of Steel" DVD, his jeans make your ass look way better than it really is. Available at discount at Costco, and deep discount at the Bergdorf Goodman summer '07 blowout. posted:7.16.07 filed under:
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