magnificent bastard - accessories

Not sure if you should wear that Tommy Bahama shirt out tonight? The magnificent bastard is here to help. Go ahead. Ask away.

Linen. It sucks.
Top 10 Ways to Look Like a Total Toolbag
How To Determine If Your Chick Is a Dirty Girl

channel: accessories

Ask the MB: Blackberry Storm
Q: Do you hate the Blackberry Storm like I do?
--Deborah

A: Well if you've been here for a while you know our stance on the iPhone, so you can probably guess what we think of an iPhone impersonator from the maker of the ultimate toolbag communication device. The "Storm" feels like a middle-aged dad trying to be "cool" and "hip" like his high school son/daughter, but ends up only embarassing the hell out of everyone.

Overheard at the office:

"Says here 'Upload to flickr.' What the fuck is flickr?"
posted:
12.1.08
filed under:
- ask the MB
- accessories
Ask the MB: Bracelets and Dog Tags
Q: I'm not a big fan of jewelry in general, but every once in a while I get the inclination to try wearing a bracelet or dog tags. Should I ignore that inclination?
--Dustin

A: We don't love the smell of accessorization in the morning.

Robert Duvall rocked the bracelet and dogs tags in a major way as Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore in Apocalypse Now. (Incidentally, he was 48 years old in this picture.) But he was in the U.S. Army, in theater, fighting the Vietnamese at the time. We're guessing you're not. For civilians we preach accessorization minimization, so go ahead and ignore that inclination.
posted:
11.17.08
filed under:
- ask the MB
- accessories
Ask the MB: Pinkie Ring OK?
Q: I reject the MB's stance against pinkie rings at all cost. I wear a simple, small, stainless steel one because of what it represents. I'm an engineer from Canada (ya make all the jokes you want to prove your American insecurity, eh) and it represents a solemn expression of intent, a reminder of the humanity and responsibility involved in the profession. Keep that in mind when the guy-from-out-of-town drinks you under the bar while wearing one. Plus the ring follows the MB mantra, lack of utility coinciding with obscurity.
--Ethan

A: The other day we were watching a television advertisement for a national restaurant chain and witnessed a customer wearing a pinkie ring (and exhibiting PDA). The restaurant was Applebee's. Our challenge to you, Mr. smart engineer guy: calculate the degree incline of the uphill battle you're fighting.
posted:
11.17.08
filed under:
Ask the MB -- Pagers
Q: What's your view on pagers? You know the little thing that sits on your belt and receive messages. I don't like carrying my phone around with me, but I still want people to be able to get in touch with me when I'm out of the office.
--Dave

A: Dave, we reckon you're toying with us by asking this question, but we strongly endorse such an anachronistic gesture. It's like writing a letter on a typewriter. (Don't go with the acid wash though.)
posted:
10.1.08
filed under:
- ask the MB
- accessories
Gaddafi Stuck in the '80s
Libya is emerging from diplomatic isolation, but clearly leader Muammar Gaddafi is stuck back in Pan Am Flight 103 days.

Also: we're seeing the negative impact of over-accesorization, specifically with flag pins. Gaddafi's wearing the whole goddamn continent.
posted:
9.8.08
filed under:
We Wish We'd Thought of This: Bluetool
Three cheers to Details magazine for coining a new term: bluetool

n. A person who wears a Bluetooth earpiece at any time other than while driving.
Provenance: Annoyed pedestrians
Usage: "The bluetool behind me on the sidewalk was telling the loudest story about who he hooked up with the night before."
posted:
8.27.08
filed under:
- toolbag
- accessories
Usain Bolt Wins Gold In Spite of Un-Magnificent Over-Accessorization
Fans and critics are both saying Usain Bolt could've run even faster than 9.69 had it not been for the last 10m of showboating (top). Maybe, but he certainly would've been faster without the drag of the cause wristband, pinkie ring, and shiny gold ring (bottom).
posted:
8.18.08
filed under:
- accessories
- toolbag
Movie Toolbags -- 'Nuke' LaLoosh
It's sometimes useful to look to cinema for reinforcement of style principles. When the creators of Bull Durham wanted to create a shlubby, clueless rookie pitcher "with a million dollar arm and the 5-cent head" they dressed Ebby Calvin 'Nuke' LaLoosh in:

1. Pleated, linen pants. (Note the wrinkles!)
2. Tommy Bahama-style camp shirt.
3. Shiny gold watch and ring.
4. Pinkie ring.
posted:
8.15.08
filed under:
What Not to Do: Look Like Slade from Bravo's Date My Ex
Yes, we've got Bravo on full-time in the MB office, partially because it's The Toolbag Channel. The examples of what not to do are irresistable. Like Slade from Date My Ex. Shiny gold watch, shiny gold ring, and that scarf epitomizes TTH (Trying Too Hard). MBs can safely avoid all three things (and the hand gesturing, too).
posted:
8.13.08
filed under:
MB GG with first cell phone, the Motorola DynaTAC 8000x
Ask the MB -- Portable Communication Conundrum
Q: I've been a reader for a while now, but haven't seen you tackle the portable communication conundrum. (Or maybe I just missed it.) With iPhone, Blackberry, Helio Ocean, et al. as communication options, each with more features than a Swiss Army Knife, which one(s) is MB approved? And don't worry, no belt clips here...middle management life is not for me.
--Gregory

A: While we can't get into all the specific models available, our new Portable Communication Guide chart will hopefully make clear where we stand on this matter.

posted:
7.22.08
filed under:
'Jawbone' Bluetooth Headset
Trying to make a Bluetooth headset look MB is as hopeless as trying to rock out a pair of Crocs in an un-ironic way: not possible. In spite of this, the folks at Jawbone are giving it a shot with their headset that claims to be "both humanistic and minimal." And totally toolbag.

As we've said before, this look is just one-degree removed from Lando Calrissian's bald android assistant. (Well, two degrees if you include the need for a shave and removal of Kenny G ringlets.)
posted:
7.8.08
filed under:
- accessories
Ask the MB -- Pinkie Rings
Q: In a March critique of an Iraqi insurgent's magnificent bastard-dom, you note: "Pinkie ring acceptable only if starring in Scorsese mob picture." With an astute sense of style, I think one could pull this off. I'm thinking Jude Law in The Talented Mr. Ripley (approx. 24 minutes in), with a jade/gold pinkie ring. In almost every situation, I would stay away from gold, but I found a similar ring in Egypt -- very simple and understated, with a small piece of turquoise in it -- if anything, more understated than the film. If done in good taste (not the least bit Rush Limbaugh-esque), would the MB endorse such a ring? Thanks.
--Colin

A: We'll see your Talented Mr. Ripley and raise you an Idiocracy (where writer/director Mike Judge puts everyone in Crocs), featuring 5-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion and U.S. President Dwayne Elizando Mountain Dew Hector Camacho, in a gold pinkie ring.

Let's keep jewelry to an absolute minimum.
posted:
6.26.08
filed under:
Tom Colicchio -- Unwitting MB Guide
Every Wednesday on Top Chef (Bravo, 10ET, check local listings), host Tom Colicchio is an extraordinarily reliable guide for what not to do. Last night: a wall clock watch.

MB Watch Size Rule: 40mm maximum.
posted:
6.5.08
filed under:
Et tu, Obama?
Apparently Barack Obama's decided that being a black presidential candidate is enough of a handicap that he can't also go without the U.S. flag lapel pin.

Compromising one's accessorization principles is not any way to start a general election, no matter how great a speech you can give, or how perfectly you tie a four-in-hand knot.
posted:
6.4.08
filed under:
- accessories
- 2008
Ask the MB -- Livin' on a Prayer
Q: Ok, so I finally ditched the black metal-band t-shirts. Now what? I want to keep that "rock" look, without looking like a 15 year-old mosh-pitter.
--Wrathbone

A: Wrathbone, you live for the fight when it's all that you've got.

John Bon Jovi was on 60 Minutes last week and provided aging rockers with a roadmap for sartorial success:

Top: Young Bon Jovi with grotesque, highlighted big hair and even more grotesque turquoise shirt (or, in your case, the equivalent of black metal-band t-shirt).

Bottom: Older, wiser Bon Jovi, with black leather boots, denim, fitted white t-shirt with very short sleeves, accessorization with rock 'n' roller sunglasses, necklace.

Give it a shot.
posted:
5.23.08
filed under:
Ask the MB -- Lapel Pins
Q: What is the rule for a lapel pin on a blazer (not a flag)? Side? Height? Anything else?
--Aaron

A: Aaron, do you know a single Magnificent Bastard who wears a lapel pin? OK, French President Nicolas Sarkozy on overseas visits qualifies with his Legion of Honor pin. Also, Napoleon rocked them out, but that's about it. So, unless you're a current or former French leader, forget it.
posted:
5.16.08
filed under:
- accessories
- ask the MB
Ask the MB -- Pocket Squares
Q: Where does the MB fall on pocket squares? It has been my new accessory this year. Thumbs up or thumbs down?
--John

A: Thumbs up, depending on the material they're made of and how you fold them. Once we apply a Magnificent Bastard principle here and a universal rule there, a pocket square-wearing framework quickly emerges:

Matte vs. Gloss MBs almost always choose matte over gloss, which means choosing pocket squares made from cotton or linen vs. silk or (the horror!) synthetic. Yes, it's possible to nail silk but this is best left to Yves Saint Laurent (upper left). Otherwise you might end up looking like some sleazy televangelist like, say, Benny Hinn (upper right).

Occam's Razor Though he lived 700 years ago, Franciscan friar William of Occam weighed in on pocket square folds, eschewing any with unnecessary steps, like the four-point fold. Instead, choose the one-point as demonstrated by Cary Grant (bottom left), or our favorite, the flat fold just peeking out of your breast pocket, as demonstrated by 007.
posted:
4.29.08
filed under:
- accessories
- ask the MB
Ask the MB -- Flag Pins
Q: Where do you suggest I wear my flag pin? I thought the flag belonged on a pole. Am I wrong? Will the MB be wearing a flag pin? Is it different positions for men and woman?
--Larry

A: Our flag pins are sitting in a display case somewhere. 40% off!

MBs love their country as much as the next guy, and certainly don't need a lapel pin to remind themselves, and others.

Someone pass the memo to CBS Sports/CBS News President Sean McManus, who forces every one of his network's sports broadcasters to flag-up, except if you're Englishman Nick Faldo.
posted:
4.22.08
filed under:
Ask the MB -- Visors
Q: MB: Ball caps? Nope, never worn them. Flip it backwards? Are you kidding me? Visors? Yup. Wear 'em. Even feel like a bastard at times. How 'bout you? Visors? I'm talking on the golf course, and off.
--C.D.

A: The highly-destructive Tiger Woods Apparel Effect has contributed to making visors quite rare these days. MB strongly endorses them, but only when both of these rules are met:

1. You're on a golf course, and
2. You've got the locks to show off.

(Clockwise from upper left: Fred Couples, Trevor Immelman, Phil Mickelson, Tommy Armour III.)
posted:
4.7.08
filed under:
What an MB Can Learn From a Mahdi Army Fighter
As seen yesterday in Basra, Iraq:

GOOD
1. Pants. Lounge-fit khakis work nicely on bigger men.
2. Footwear. Climbing/hiking boots transition well from granola/North Face look; useful for dodging sniper fire.
3. Shirt. Untucked, unbuttoned knit short-sleeve satisfies MB principle of artful dishevelment.

BAD
1. Headwear. Ski mask creates hat-head and even worse, hat-face, especially in hot desert climates.
2. Weapon. AK-47 noisy and big and showy. Violates MB principle of understatement.
3. Neckwear. Bullet scarf made from too large of diameter rounds (see understatement). Leave larger caliber accessorization to G.I. Joe & Rambo.
4. Jewelry. Pinkie ring acceptable only if starring in Scorsese mob picture.
posted:
3.27.08
filed under:
Guido the Killer Pimp a Style Trainwreck
Where else on the World Wide Web are you going to get two posts about Guido the Killer Pimp in a 2-week span? Only at magnificentbastard.com. (See earlier one.)

Let's have a look at what's wrong with GtKP (Joe Pantoliano) at the red carpet premiere of Flawless starring Demi Moore and Michael Caine:

1. Beret. Violation of the principle of Anglophilia. Francophilia way less cool.
2. Multiple necklaces. Violation of principle of minimal accessorization.
3. Tucked-in sweater. Never do this.
4. Skull belt buckle. Skulls beyond outgoing.
5. Cane. OK if used for actual physical ailment; never OK for affect. Doesn't really work with skull belt buckle.
6. Multiple rings. (See multiple necklaces.)
posted:
3.26.08
filed under:
Something an MB Can Safely Never Wear -- David Yurman
We like to keep accessorization simple, limited to perhaps a watch. Even a wedding ring is pushing it as far as we're concerned. Accessorizing with a goat that look like a unicorn is not only un-MB, it's probably also un-American.
posted:
3.25.08
filed under:
- accessories
Ask the MB -- Suspenders
Q: Pleated pants. We know they should be banned, but what if you like to wear suspenders; do you wear them with plain fronts? Is doesn't seem right.
—Holly

A: Holly, we presume this is for your husband or boyfriend. Either that or you're Annie Hall. Anyhow, suspenders with "plain fronts" is totally fine, and actually preferred to pleats. Just have a look at the pleats-suspenders combo on Lumbergh (with belt!) and Mork. Pleats just plain suck.
posted:
2.28.08
filed under:
Things an MB Can Safely Never Wear: Thumb Rings
As demonstrated by best-selling author and Travel Channel superstar Anthony Bourdain. Avoid like you would consuming a still-beating cobra heart.
posted:
1.27.08
filed under:
- accessories
- celebrities
Ask the MB
Q: Am I a dork because I really want to start wearing an ascot? I'd like to think it would make this bastard even more magnificent.
—MJ

A: MJ, this is like being at the 2008 Summer Olympics, jumping off the springboard and trying a reverse 2½ somersault pike. With such a high DD (degree of difficulty), yes you might nail it (like Fred from Scooby Doo), but you're more likely to hit your head and require stitches (like Danny Noonan in Caddyshack).

Ascots are one of those things where the following MB rule is applied: If you have to ask, forget about it.
posted:
1.14.08
filed under:
Fits Like a ...
Finding good rabbit-lined gloves is almost as difficult as finding the perfect peacoat, yet recently we discovered this lightly pebbled leather pair from Portolano (top, and now on sale) for more casual situations, and this Fratelli Orsini pair (bottom) to go with your topcoat. Both have the MB seal of approval.
posted:
1.1.08
filed under:
- cold weather
- accessories
MB Does Not Endorse: Wall Clock Watches
Only a smidge bigger and Flavor Flav is going to start wearing these watches around his neck. Yesterday on Fox's NFL Sunday, both Curt Menefee and Jimmy Johnson sported these monsters. (Big Ben looks only slightly less awful on Menefee.) Thankfully, "Terry" and "Howie" both abstained.
posted:
11.26.07
filed under:
- accessories
- watches
Ask the MB
Q: Today on coolhunting.com I saw a post for a unisex iPod holder from YMYL and was wondering if this was Magnificent Bastard-worthy. Thanks MB.
—Ben

A: Cool Hunting, you say? No kidding. In this case, "cool" gets shot in the abdomen and is in critical condition. Ben, this is a solution looking for a problem. If you're wearing a blazer, you'd just stick the iPod into an inside pocket. Sans blazer, you really going to wear a leather holster to carry an MP3 player? Thought so. Anyhow, thanks for the question, because it's helped us define a new Magnificent Bastard style rule: If you're wearing a holster, it'd better be for holding a weapon.
posted:
11.20.07
filed under:
- accessories
- ask the MB
Men's Moneyclip
via Paul Smith. $90.00.
Ask the MB
After longing for a slimmer wallet, I finally picked up this card carrier and it's great. The only problem I have, however, is that there's not much room for cash. I can cover most of my daily routine with plastic, but cash is nice for incidentals, such as a quick pint at the pub, tipping, etc. There is room for a couple C-Notes in the center, but then the problem that arises is what to do with the bills that come back in change. I'm trying out the idea of also carrying a money clip, but that doesn't seem ideal to me.

So my question is: How much cash should a Magnificent Bastard carry these days?
—Scott

A: First, give the money clip a try. May we suggest this Paul Smith model to accompany your new purchase? Second, we reckon anything less that $100 is when the gas light goes on for a refill. Waving around a credit card all the time can make you look like you're leveraged to the hilt, like some piss-poor South American country, or the USA.
posted:
11.14.07
filed under:
'We Love America.' Right Back At You, Brother.
Now here's a lapel pin we can get behind. French President Nicolas Sarkozy was in town (wearing a lapel pin) and while we couldn't get a close-up tight enough for visual confirmation, evidence points in the direction that it may be a portrait of Marquis de Lafayette (inset) -- the French general and hero of the Revolutionary War who named his son after George Washington -- placed between the American and French flags. Here's to rapprochement between America and one of her greatest friends.

Update/Correction: Even though the above makes for a tear-jerking story of two great nations kissing and making up, Sarkozy's accessory selection was wishful thinking on our part. Anyhow, the Marquis/French flag/US flag pin, from the Durel's jewelry shop in Lafayette, LA, wins strong MB endorsement.

Dear MB: I just read your post on N. Sarkozy. The pin he sports is most probably not the Lafayette / Flags pin, but rather the symbol of the highest order in the French Legion of Honor. A French president automatically gets this highest order when he gets elected; all members of the legion of honor place a small symbol on jackets (plain red for a Chevalier, the first level, then various additions of colors as a person grows in the order). It's actually kind of cool as it's a discreet reminder of an old-fashioned but still sought-after French membership.
—Thomas
posted:
11.8.07
filed under:
- celebrities
- accessories
Ask the MB
Q: I want to express my concern regarding the use of neo-cowboy belt buckles, more specifically the D&G logo belt buckle worn prominently by quasi-fashionistas with a suit, as shown in this office group photograph. In my opinion, this trend is Miami meets Monterey - you get the picture? Magnificent Bastard-worthy or not?
—Cam

A: It's generous to refer to this buckle as "neo-cowboy," and perhaps even more charitable to describe it as "Miami meets Monterey;" it's more just plain old "Miami." We're just not that down with logos, especially on something as prominent as a belt buckle. Unless your office-mate has a sponsorship deal with Dolce & Gabbana, this is definitely not Magnificent Bastard-worthy.
posted:
10.31.07
filed under:
A Man's Got To Know His Limitations
The Original American Flag Lapel Pin?
Hal Holbrook as the bumbling, backstabbing crook cop in the Dirty Harry classic The Enforcer (1973).

(If you know of an earlier instance, please let us know.)
posted:
10.31.07
filed under:
- accessories
Does HBO Hate America, Or Just Have a Little Style?
Top: Dan Marino on HBO's Inside the NFL with a clear lapel.

Bottom: Dan Marino on CBS's The NFL Today with the most post-peak and grossly unfashionable of all accessories: a US flag lapel pin. (Larry Craig wears one. 'Nuff said.)

Bonus points to Marino for the similarly askew tie knot. Dude swings to the right.
posted:
10.18.07
filed under:
Sterling silver century flask
via Tiffany. $700.00.
Tanked via Tiffany
October marks the official start of Brown Liquor Season. Whether by whiskey, bourbon, scotch, cognac or DeKuyper Cherry Brandy, The Magnificent Bastard heartily endorses getting sloshed (in style), and what better way than to nip from this sterling silver Tiffany flask?
posted:
10.8.07
filed under:
- tiffany
- accessories
Skulls from Mark Shale; Bacon and Eggs from Barney's
Ask the MB
Q: Assuming french cuffs are ok in your book, what kind of cuff links would you recommend? And which online store would be a good place to buy them?
—Prakash

A: French cuffs are way OK, primarily because an MB can discreetly strut his sartorial stuff and personality with the right pair of cufflinks. What kind, you ask? This is a little like asking what kind of woman you should marry. Though we can safely rule out skulls and anything logoed, like you'd probably rule out any psycho chick or a geezer with 3 kids.

Thanks for asking about where to shop online, because that's about all we do. Always check bluefly first for a bargain. If you're feeling flush and bold, don't miss Barney's. If you're still not finding your match, save your pennies and try these:

* Bergdorf Goodman
* Neiman Marcus
* Saks
posted:
9.25.07
filed under:
Separated at birth? Gyro pilot from 'Road Warrior' and Mystery?
Mayday! Mayday!
"Mystery," the host of VH1's car-crashingly bad reality show The Pickup Artist often sports flying goggles as part of his brand. Yet this look was originally adopted by another pickup artist: the gyro pilot from The Road Warrior. And even though it was a small, rather beat up machine, he actually piloted an aircraft of some type.

(Incidentally, the hard-to-look-away-from show in question is on VH1 Mondays at 9PM ET.)
posted:
9.10.07
filed under:
- accessories
- misc
Juicy Couture Skull Blazer
via Neiman Marcus. $175.00.
Skull F*ck
Skulls are about as post-peak as you can get without wearing an American flag lapel pin, yet Juicy Couture still cranks out skull-related stuff like they're coming into style. Even the New York Times called skulls dead over a year ago. Unless you're an actual pirate, or child, avoid.

Juicy Couture skull blazer and skull necklace, via Neiman Marcus.
posted:
8.27.07
filed under:
Paul Smith Naked Lady Key Ring
via Barney's Co-Op. $49.00.
Again With the Breasts
Last week we headlighted, er, highlighted a Paul Smith naked lady keychain, and now Barney's Co-Op cut the price of his sterling-silver version in half.
posted:
8.13.07
filed under:
Paul Smith Black Leather & Ceramic Naked Lady Keyring
via Bloomsbury. $101.48.
Paul Smith's Swingers
It's an age-old dilemma: What do you get the man who's got everything? How about a pair of cans on his keychain?

Enter Paul Smith, who likes to do this sort of thing. Lovely!

If you're feeling lucky, you can double-down, so to speak, and get 4 jugs for the price of 2 with this BNIB naked lady wallet and naked lady keychain package, via ebay. Current bid: $99.99.
posted:
8.7.07
filed under:
- accessories
- paul smith

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MB GG with first cell phone, the Motorola DynaTAC 8000x

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A Man's Got To Know His Limitations

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Skulls from Mark Shale; Bacon and Eggs from Barney's

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Separated at birth? Gyro pilot from 'Road Warrior' and Mystery?

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