
Not sure if you should wear that Tommy Bahama shirt out tonight? The magnificent bastard is here to help. Go ahead. Ask away.
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Q: What's MB's stance on chest hair grooming? Obviously a shaved chest is unacceptable but chest hair run rampant seems less than magnificent. I tend to trim mine short using a buzzer but this seems like the most favorable alternative to an unbecoming chest. Any suggestions would be appreciated. --Brandon
A: Not to hedge, but this all depends on the amount and type of chest hair growth. The 40 Year-Old Virgin clearly needed to "wax that Teen Wolf thing right out," as his pal Jay rightly put it. Besides wearing film's best-looking suit, Cary Grant also sports one of film's best-looking, artfully disheveled chests in North by Northwest. (Incidentally, he's 55 years old in this picture.) If you just have a few unsightly stragglers poking out from around your nipples, go for the laser. It hurts like wax but after a few treatments they're gone forever, and you're ready for a Dolce & Gabbana shoot.  posted:2.24.10 filed under: Q: No facial hair? Ever? So how do explain Brian Austin Green nabbing Megan Fox? George Clooney and Elisabetta? Pitt and Jolie? Surely these guys aren't toolbags. If they are, I have no chance at all.
--TTH in Texas, Cash
A: Just looking over our facial hair channel, and while we've definitely said no to age-inappropriate facial hair, we're not shaving zealots. (However, as beards now hit the peak of the trend curve -- with Brad Pitt now resembling The Dude -- we're heading more vigorously in the opposite direction.)
About the couples you mention: Megan Fox (age 23) probably had a crush on Brian Austin Green (age 36) since she was 10 and he was on 90210. George Clooney is rich, famous, and handsome. Any one of those three is usually enough. Angelina Jolie? Ick!  posted:1.5.10 filed under: Q: I just found your site the other day through www.onthefly.com, a truly wonderful website for the modern gentleman. It now has another feather in its cap--it has led me to you folks! Immediately upon finding your site, I went looking for answer to something I've been wondering for quite some time now. Alas, it appears that you have not addressed this yet. How do you feel about manicures? Pedicures, I gather, are required for sandals, but what about the other 10 digits? --Bryning
A: We endorse meticulous personal grooming, especially when someone else is doing it. Artful dishevelment does not extend to peeling cuticles. So yes, manicures are MB-approved. However, since they are your more dexterous digits and near your face, it's possible to care for these adequately on your own. Feet, on the other hand, require a professional, unless you have yoga master-level flexibility.  posted:12.15.09 filed under:  Q: I shave my head, due to hair loss, and feel that it detracts from your artfully disheveled standards. Are there any general rules for us smooth-domed MB wannabes that I should be following? --Dan
A: Dan, you said you shave your head, but how often do you shave? We ask because in our opinion, the fully shaved look (aka the Savalas) as a can't-miss cure for baldness is ultimately about as can't-miss as Rogaine or Propecia -- it doesn't always work as advertised. If you're Michael Jordan, go for it. If not, well, just look at Jack (top) -- suddenly one of the world's coolest dudes looks like a bigger toolbag than Joe the Plumber.
Our advice: when you shave, leave enough stubble to make your wife/girlfriend think twice about asking for special favors. Then, don't shave again until you start worrying about the impact wind/hats are having on your hair. The more hair you have left on top, the more frequently you'll have to shave. When you're looking like Jackson Pollock (bottom), you're looking just right. When you're looking like Larry Fine (inset), you've let it go too far.  posted:12.10.09 filed under: Q: Are you ever going to touch on the atrocity of wearing flip-flops and jeans together? Your silence suggests it is still appropriate attire as you pontificate pearls of bastardly fashion from your cozy West Hollywood cyber-cafe. --Larry
A: Woah, Lar. There's actually a bit of a chill this morning on the terraced patio here at Urth Caffe on Melrose, warmed only slightly by an organic dolce espresso and the sight of Meg Ryan. Anyhow, we're from a small farming community in the middle of Wisconsin, and we say flip-flops and jeans are fine, but only if you've had a pedicure in the last 21 days.  posted:11.18.09 filed under: Top: Zach Galifianakis
Bottom: Jim Carrey at the UK premiere of Disney's A Christmas Carol
(Memo to Gillette: May be time to send Zach Galifianakas some free razors.)  posted:11.5.09 filed under: Q: My girl trims downstairs, should us guys tidy up? I'm not saying a full wax, I'm just saying... --Greg
A: As a rule, we're extremely wary of style trends popularized by male porn stars. But if your overgrowth is interfering with your girl's sexual pleasure, well, there are very few opportunities in life where you can come off as sensitive and considerate when your real goal is a blowjob. Break out the trimmers.  posted:8.21.09 filed under:  Q: Magnificent Bastardom is difficult when you've been dealt the hairy back card... and not just a little fuzz -- I could pass for Chewbacca's Uncle if unkept. I shave it as often as I can, even use Men's Nair on it once in while. Since upkeep time resources are significant, I do cheat once in awhile and just trim the back of my neck. I've been thinking of accepting my fate and allowing some hair to grow as it is more work to maintain my hairy back than maintain my lawn. Is it acceptable to have a 'trimmed' hairy back? [Maintained and cut short with am electric trimmer -- versus smooth and stubble free.] Any suggestions on back hair abatement tools? --BearBack in Minneapolis
A: Shaving your own back? That must require a special modification to a Gillette MACH 3 or flexibility on par with Plastic Man.
And by the way, why are you maintaining your own lawn? Do you have something against illegal aliens? We're thinking that you might even be able to get a lawn/back maintenance combo deal -- if your back hair is as thick as you say it is, it's possible only a weed whacker can truly do the trick, and let's face it, in this economy, illegal aliens are in no position to be too picky about the jobs they accept.
All kidding aside, the only solution is a series of laser treatments. Yes they are costly and painful, but in the long run cheaper than razors or moonlighting gardeners.  posted:8.19.09 filed under: Q: How does the MB view going gray or in my case white around the temples? Must I go to a salon for a pro dye job or are there any good product that I can use at home? --John
A: Neither! Graying temples are like an accessory from God. Rock 'em while you can, like George Clooney did 10 years ago (top). And as the gray takes over the rest of your mane, resist your temptation for coloration. Going gray naturally is the MB way. Dyeing is best left to Las Vegas performers and Billy Mays.  posted:8.14.09 filed under: Very MB: 40-year-old Hugh Jackman showing up at the Teen Choice Awards with biceps twice the size of Robert Pattinson's legs.
Not so MB: A pit stain the size of Lake Tahoe. This ample lady doesn't seem to mind (too much), but a Disney startlet could drown in that thing. Stay away, Miley!  posted:8.11.09 filed under: Q: If you have nasty feet and shouldn't be wearing sandals, what do you recommend with shorts? Some Pumas with low socks? Thanks. --Chris
A: Over the last three decades, thousands of Vietnamese immigrants have journeyed across oceans in boats we'd be afraid to board in a wading pool just to make your feet presentable in sandals. Get a pedicure! And if you think that sounds kind of girly, do you know who else gets pedicures? Lions! Well, circus lions anyway. And if it's man enough for them, it's man enough for you too.
And what if you have some kind of physical deformity a pedi can't cure? You're on the right track. We prefer anything vintage from Puma, Tretorn, Adidas, with no-show socks or none at all. You'd have a hard time going wrong picking just about anything from Classic Sport Shoes' Adidas Originals page.  posted:8.11.09 filed under: via Saks Fifth Avenue. $24.50.Now that it's officially spring, we highly recommend Kiehl's Facial Fuel Moisturizer with SFP 15 Sunscreen. Apply as the last thing before you head into the office. Protects an MB's face from damaging UV rays, and also has enough zip for you to skip the morning cup of coffee.  posted:3.23.09 filed under:  This not a question so much as a fear and I believe you guys can help. Summer will be here and in parts of the US it will be happening sooner. Men should and will be wearing sandals. The problem is, and you've addressed one problem (the lack of a pedicure) which is bad but the choice of sandal is also important. A thong type as opposed to the crisscross or strap. On some men the crisscross and strap type make men look like Fred Flintstone. Could you come up with some guidelines? --John (from Ireland)
A: Yeah, we take a backseat to no one about the importance of a pedicure. Last June was Pedicure Awareness Month and this June will be no different. It's the MB version of The Golden Rule: don't expose nasty-ass toes to others.
Fred Flintstone lived in the Pre-Footwear Era, which makes his car-driving even more remarkable. Imagine the wickedly painful blisters most men would get powering a stone-wheeled auto with their feet. Anyhow, we don't see that big of a stylistic difference between thong and crisscross/strap, to be honest. They can both work. One type of sandal we do avoid is a strap/crisscross that covers too much toe. This has an unflattering chubbing-up, holy-crap-that-dude-has-an-ingrown-toenail effect. You'll know it when you see it.  posted:3.3.09 filed under:  The MB-preferred shaving techniqueQ: Ever since I began shaving, I've been getting razor bumps in the neck region. I've tried shaving with a five blade electric razor after taking a hot shower, shaving with the direction of the hair, and only shaving once every three days. However none of these methods seem to alleviate the problem. I don't want to do laser hair removal. What do you suggest? --Brock
A: Sorry Brock, we cannot help you. The morning shave leaves our faces as smooth as Barbie's ass.
But we can't just leave you in a bumpy-necked lurch. For assistance we've turned to Michael Gilman, co-founder of men's grooming site Grooming Lounge for some answers:
First, an irritation-free shave is all about preparation. Shaving right after a shower is important, but only half the battle. In addition to shaving a warm beard, he should also prepare the beard using a shave oil and shave cream combination. The oil will help his whiskers stand at attention and the cream will work in tandem with the oil to soften skin and the whiskers. The result is less razor drag and irritation.
Secondly, for guys with sensitive skin, 5 blades is just too much. It's the equivalent of taking three or four extra passes with the razor. For sensitive skin that’s too vigorous. We suggest a triple bladed razor and that's what we use in-house.
Another tip is to really make sure he's shaving with the direction of hair growth and not just "down." For a lot of men, hair grows side to side or diagonally and it's important to follow this path to reduce irritation. Of course, no slicing and only going against the grain for areas that really need it and only doing so once.
Finally, in addition to a soothing, non-alcohol based aftershave, there's a miracle product that really helps guys with chronic razor burn. It's called Barc Bump Down, and God knows how it works, but applying some post-shave really reduces razor burn and bumps. I've used it myself to ward of irritation and its slight sting is well worth it.  posted:12.18.08 filed under: Q: My stylist recommended American Crew Forming Cream as a "product" to keep my do in check. However, in these tough economic times, $15 for less than four ounces of goop seems like a luxury I cannot afford. Are there cheaper alternatives to this product out there? --Ed
A: Well, you could try Twilight heartthrob and new "It" guy Robert Pattinson's approach and not wash your hair for four years. Natural oils combined with dirt provide high hold and shine!
Ed, we're going to be frank. You're getting your hair cut by a stylist -- which is likely running you a minimum of $50 plus tip -- and you're bitching about $15 for product? While we hate their shampoos, American Crew hair cream is probably our all-time favorite grooming product, and that 3.53 oz. container lasts forever. Possibly the best $15 you'll ever spend.  posted:11.21.08 filed under: via Barney's Co-Op. $129.00.Q: Thanks for the pedicure PSA. Open toed sandals + big-jagged-yellow toenails are almost worthy of the official toolbag list. It is really a huge problem out there. In fact, it is probably better that the MB just recommend that open-toed are always completely out and unacceptable in its continued effort to rescue humanity. --John
A: First, we're not out to rescue humanity. Lost cause! We're out to stop humanity -- specifically men -- from wearing pleated khakis.
Second, your suggestion sounds reasonable until you realize how many wicked good-looking flip flops and sandals are on the market. Most of humanity has wicked-ugly toes, but if you're one of the lucky ones, combine them with a pedicure and sandals and turn them into a valuable summer asset.  posted:6.11.08 filed under: Magnificent Bastard is giving back to the community this month with a PSA (Public Service Announcement), declaring June Pedicure Awareness Month. Soon we'll have links to a nail salon in your area, but in the meantime, if you are without pedicure, here are some recommended closed-toe footwear options to cover up that nasty shit, and spare the rest of us. Please.
From top:
Cole Haan 'Norland' Fisherman Sandal, $185
Bacco Bucci 'Hossa' Slide, $149
Keen 'Maui' Sandal, $29.95
Frye 'Max Fisherman' Sandal, $187.95
To Boot New York 'Weston' Slip-On, $225
All via nordstrom.com.  posted:6.4.08 filed under:
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