Magnificent Bastard

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Holy shit. Our ties are on sale. 100% Wool. 110% Stylish.  SHOP NOW
shorts

Michael Bastian is Moving on Up

Michael Bastian is Moving on Up

One hundred years ago this month, Henry Ford shocked the business world with his decision to pay his workers $5 an hour and limit their work day to eight hours. At the time, nine-hour days were standard and the average wage was just $2.40 per hour.

But Ford was radically automating his operation, which (a) made the work far more tedious and (b) greatly increased the number of cars he could produce, which in turn meant he also needed to figure out some way to manufacture more buyers. His solution was the $5 per hour wage. It made a boring assembly line job tolerable and also turned Ford employees into potential Ford customers. (The Model T cost $440 at the time.)

What does this have to do with Michael Bastian? In a 2009 NYT piece, Bastian exclaimed, "I can't even afford my own clothes." Two years later, Esquire reported that "Bastian found that he often couldn't afford to buy his own clothes."

In this month's Details, however, we see evidence that maybe the economic outlook really is improving, and not just for Chinese robots. Here's Bastian on what he looks for in gym shorts: "I have a hard time finding gym shorts that aren't too long or baggy or over logo-ed, so I really like the fleece ones we make in our own line."

How this news failed to make it into President Obama's State of the Union address we can't explain. But once again, America is a place where designers can afford to buy their own clothes! In our own bid to make 2014 a "year of action," we are following Bastian's lead, giving ourselves raises, and buying ourselves cashmere belts.

Earlier: Michael Bastian Forced to Shop at J. Crew?



Ask the MB: Untucked Shirts With Shorts

Untuckingbelievable! Do not do this at home, work, or even at a G-rated orgy in Vegas.
Untuckingbelievable! Do not do this at home, work, or even at a G-rated orgy in Vegas.
Q: I agree with your posts regarding the sport-shirts-untucked-from-pants plight. To push the point, however, what about shorts? I tend to tuck the shirt, yet sometimes I'm tempted to untuck it. I'm almost sure you'll say no good, but is this at least less bad?
—Chris


A: Your instincts are on point, Chris. We are not fans of dress shorts, shorts with ties and wingtips, or any other look that might have people wondering if your work pants got amputated at the dry cleaners. For us, shorts are emphatically casual, so you'd think we'd be more open to untucking. And we are, sort of. With shorts, we like the partial tuck, which is to say, artful dishevelment.

How do you make it work? First, make sure that your shirt, be it a polo or a woven, is cut appropriately. If the fabric that falls beneath your belt-line is abundant enough to make a placemat, it's cut too long! If there's barely enough fabric showing to make, say, a bandana, then it's cut right.

Now that you're wearing the right shirt, tuck it in entirely, and pretend like you're a hailing a cab on a busy Manhattan street. Extend your arm, wave vigorously and impatiently. If you do this right, this should dislodge your shirt just enough to give the desired effect. And you're ready to go.

Earlier: The Tyranny of the Untucked Sport Shirt

Ask the MB: How to 'Rock' Shorts. Or Not.

Your shorts are draining the lifeblood from Tom Ford
Your shorts are draining the lifeblood from Tom Ford
Q: Dear MB: How does an MB rock shorts? I know, I know, a real MB shouldn't wear shorts, but in some parts of the country summer gets too hot for pants. 115 degrees. Looking back at your earlier posts about shorts, the MB short has an 8"-8.5" inseam. Thanks for the help.
--Larry


A: In the S/S issue of Another Man, Tom Ford offers five easy lessons on how to become a modern gentleman. Fifth on his list: "A man should never wear shorts in the city. Flip-flops and shorts in the city are never appropriate. Shorts should only be worn on the tennis court or on the beach."

We would add "golf course." Except if you play with glow-in-the-dark golf balls: Never wear shorts after the sun goes down.

As for inseam, we definitely prefer shorter over longer, lest you veer into over-the-knee toolbag territory. Unfortunately, this season designers have adopted longer inseams with small leg openings, in what look like skinny pants amputated at the knee. But there are still sensible, comfortable shorts out there that don't require cuff rolling, like Raf Simons/Fred Perry for tennis, Lightning Bolt for the beach, and Fred Perry (solo) for the course.

Earlier: For women, we endorse even shorter shorts.

Ask the MB: Good Shorts and Footwear to Match

Ask the MB: Good Shorts and Footwear to Match
Q: With summer upon us how about some advice on appropriate shorts for the hot months. And which footwear to combine with them. Thanks.
--Jim


As our recent post on Dorts suggest, it's much easier to find awful shorts this season than good ones. We almost think the Obama Administration has enlisted the world's shorts designers in an ingenious propaganda campaign. If someone pays $288 for Odyn Vovk's seamed balloon shorts (top), or $365 for Chronicles of Never's oversized parachute shorts, or $231 for Tim Hamilton's apparent bid to corner the market on black-tie Mormon underwear, then the recession must be officially over.

But there are some good shorts out there, or at least one pair. We love the color, texture, and inseam length of these Obey Whalers, and we're pretty sure our tailor will be happy to excise the overly wordy logo tag for a six-pack of Schlitz. $58. (They fit true to size.)

We will address the footwear part of your question next week.

MB Can Safely Avoid: Dorts

MB Can Safely Avoid: Dorts
Until recently we could safely say that jorts were the worst thing to happen to summer since domed baseball stadiums. Then, someone invented dorts -- designer jean shorts. As the weather gets hotter, they're showing up everywhere -- just like mosquitos. Consider these things carriers of a deadly neuroinvasive style virus and repel at all costs.

From top:

John Varvatos
$185
Wear these dorts if you want people to think you robbed a midget hipster's cuffed jeans.


Adriano Goldschmied
$156
Bloomingdale's teaches us a shrewd retailer's trick. If your stock of medium wash AGs don't sell at $129.50, cut off their legs and charge more!


Antik Denim
$47
Have you heard the one about the doctor who removed a patient's perfectly functioning lung while leaving the cancerous one in place? This is the jeans version of that. The least offensive part of these things -- the legs -- have been amputated. The hideous malignant pockets are left intact. Who are the quacks in charge of pants surgery at Antik? They should be sued for malpractice.

Ask the MB: Jeans to Jean Shorts

Ask the MB: Jeans to Jean Shorts
Q: I've got a pair of super-comfy CK jeans and I've worn them so much that they've started to get holes in the knees. I've considered cutting them into shorts because it's summer in OZ. Should I? And if so, how short?
--Reece


A: Whoa, mate. Rather than make a mistake that might get you on the front page of jorts.com, instead take this opportunity to begin creating some seriously cool, organically destroyed jean pants. Find a tailor with an interest in being less like a seamstress and more like a designer, and show him this picture (here is a super-big version). Get him to put the patch behind the hole and damn-near embroider on the top with a high-contrast, heavy-weight thread. Then get to work making some new holes.

(Jeans pictured owned by: Carl Chiara. Design director, Levi's Capital E and Red Collections.)

Ask the MB: Resort Casual Suggestions

Ask the MB: Resort Casual Suggestions
Q: How can a 36 year old male dress in resort casual without looking too metrosexual, preppy or like a Tommy Bahama wanna-be?
--Mollee


A: From top to bottom:

Knit Shirt: Polo with sleeves that hit at about the middle of the bicep. No logos if possible, especially none with the name of your country club or a high-end public course he recently played. Be sure to follow the polo shirt button rule.

Woven Shirt: At least one in white, of course. Unpressed. Just take it out of the dryer and go. Not buttoned-down. If it's not specifically designed to be worn untucked, have him tuck it in.

Sweater: Fine gauge v-neck cashmere. Period. On cool nights have him toss this over the polo or the woven and let his shirt collar just do what it wants to do.

Pants: No pleats. No creases. No linen. Khakis with patch pockets are a solid choice. Only denim if it's dark and dressed up, like Theory. Shorts OK too, but when the sun goes down remember the rule: pants only.

Footwear: Plimsolls or Jack Purcells. Sandals or flip-flops (but only if they're made from organic materials).

The Feet Themselves: If he chooses the sandal/flip-flop route, remember this rule about feet: If you wouldn't put his toe in your mouth, you need to convince him to get a pedicure.

Ask the MB: Thom Browne Suit With Shorts

Ask the MB: Thom Browne Suit With Shorts
Q: Should Thom Brown have his right to produce men's fashion revoked, or is it ever ok for an MB to look like THIS???
--Javier


A: As far as we can tell, Thom Browne's primary contributions to fashion are:

1. suits with capri pants, and

2. suits with shorts.

If you're a wee man who wants to flaunt his weeness, then Thom Browne is your god. This particular get-up makes him look like a tiny, hairy puppet IBM invented to sell toner cartridges to yacht clubs. We sincerely do not get it.

Ask the MB: Tommy Bahama Shorts

Ask the MB: Tommy Bahama Shorts
Q: Based on this link I'm pretty sure this proves that plaid shorts are post-peak. I've loved my plaid shorts from Penguin and the like for 3 or 4 years now but I think the style is over. What are alternatives for shorts in summer if Tommy Bahama has taken to plaid short production?
--Bradley


A: One word, Bradley: jorts (top).

Just like Eddie Van Halen's toolbaggish, sleep-inducing, fret-jerking in "Beat It" couldn't kill the guitar solo, Tommy Bahama can't kill plaid. Next season they'll be back to florals (bottom). Wear the Penguins and the like without fear.

Ask the MB: Long Pants in Galveston, TX

AG Protege Lightweight Jeans via Neiman Marcus, $172.00
AG Protege Lightweight Jeans via Neiman Marcus. $172.00.
Q: I read your article about shorts at night and wanted present a more specific scenario. You said, "Wearing shorts after dark is strictly for college boys and parking valets." However, I live on an island (Galveston, TX) where local culture seems to allow shorts at any time and nearly any place. Would shorts after dark be MB-approved in this situation?
--Justin


A: Sure, you can wear shorts after dark in Galveston, but only if you're planning to make an appearance on COPS. If you are, we also recommend ditching your shirt and your teeth too, to complete the outfit. If a COPS cameo is not in the cards, get to know lightweight denim like this AG version; they will change the way you think about jeans. Just don't pair with those boots.


Ask the MB: Thom Browne as Emperor's Clothes?

Ask the MB: Thom Browne as Emperor's Clothes?
Q: Although I wore Thom Browne long before it was available anywhere but Bergdorf Goodman and kind of liked it primarily for the quality and nerdyness, I have recently come to the conclusion that it is kind of "The Emperor's New Clothes." What do you think?
--Mark


A: (Ed. note: This question was sent in January, 2009.)

Either it's the Emperor's New Clothes or the Emperor's Flood Pants. Either way, we've never gotten Thom Browne, and perhaps we'll never get Thom Browne, since rumors of his impending bankruptcy surfaced last month (later denied). Maybe we're dumb (or blind), but we don't see a point of view or story to his work, only a gimmick. One thing we think is a very, very safe bet, Mark: If you've been photographed in a Thom Browne suit you're not gonna want to see that pic in 10 years.

MB Endorses: Short Shorts*

Juicy Couture Sailor Short via shopbop.com, $148.00
Juicy Couture Sailor Short via shopbop.com. $148.00.
It broke 60° yesterday at our Pulaski, WI offices and it moved a few women to break out one of mankind's greatest inventions: short shorts. Now, up here in northern Wisconsin, our women's legs might not be the most toned, and they're clearly a little sun-deprived, and there might be a little more hair than we'd probably like**, but doggone if we still don't really, really dig short shorts. Just wait until it hits 70! Bikinis!

* Not to be confused with short jorts.
** Model clearly not from Pulaski, WI vicinity

Ask the MB: Puma High Tops With Black Pants

Ask the MB: Puma High Tops With Black Pants
Q: MB, I am a 20 year old college student and recently was very excited to find a pair of new Puma Contacts at a thrift store and have been wearing them occasionally. I only wear them with plain black skinny jeans, because I don't want to be too elaborate. My girlfriend on the other hand feels that they are too ridiculous and make me stand out in a bad way. Am I wrong?
--Jacob


A: Jacob, your girlfriend would've been more accurate to say you stand out in a too Joey Ramone way. This is fine if you're the 6'6" frontman for an up-and-coming college punk rock cover band. Otherwise save this ironic footwear for the hardcourts.

Ask the MB: Jean Shorts

Ask the MB: Jean Shorts
Q: What the hell can I wear with jean shorts?! I just recently donated a bunch of my clothes and noticed I have tons of jean shorts. I can't think up anything that can go with them. Should I have donated them too? Help!
--Aaron


A: Florida Gator quarterback and massive toolbag Tim Tebow wears jean shorts. (Looks as though MBs can safely rule out Birkenstocks as well. But you knew that.) If that doesn't answer your question, visit jean short photo site jorts.com and let us know if you find one guy even approximating Magnificent Bastard-dom. Aaron, this is best left to the opposite sex, specifically Daisy Duke or women with DD-quality buns.

Ask the MB -- Wearing Shorts After Dark

Ask the MB -- Wearing Shorts After Dark
Q: Why do I see guys out at night in long pants even when it's 90 degrees?
--Mark


Those guys you see? They're most likely MBs. Wearing shorts after dark is strictly for college boys and parking valets.

Please consult our short-wearing guide below for further guidance.



Magnificent Bastard Short-Wearing Chart

An Overhead Smash to Magnificent Bastard-dom

An Overhead Smash to Magnificent Bastard-dom
Something just ain't right about seeing the completely unstylish Rafael Nadal triumph on the completely stylish lawns of Wimbledon. Nadal's match with Roger Federer may be an instant classic, but neither that dreadful sleeveless top nor those long shorts will stand the test of time. Poor fella looks like some weird combination of Menudo and Rambo.



POURCAST

BETA

Southside (MB-Bastardized)

  • 2 oz gin
  • 1 oz fresh lemon juice
  • 1 sugar cube (or half teaspoon simple sugar)
  • soda water (if desired)

Place the sugar cube at the bottom of a lowball glass, add the fresh lemon juice, and mash with the back of a spoon. Fill two-thirds with ice and the gin and stir for at least 30 seconds. Add soda water, if desired, and give a quick stir. Garnish with a lemon wedge.


In-Depth Southside (MB-Bastardized) Coverage:

Ask the MB: Spring Cocktail Guide

×

Currently in
Minneapolis, Minnesota

72° Partly Cloudy

Southside (MB-Bastardized)

Enter any city on earth & start cocktailing:

Feedback? editor@magnificentbastard.com





recent posts

@magbas


ask mb

Got a style question? We're all ears. And antlers. Ask away.


tip mb

If you know about something you think we should know about, let us know (so we can pretend we knew about it all along). Send a tip.


features


channels