Magnificent Bastard

Monday, February 17, 2020



facial hair

Ask the MB: Sideburn Length to Width Ratio

Ask the MB: Sideburn Length to Width Ratio
Q: I was wondering about appropriate MB sideburn length. Specifically, what's the appropriate sideburn length-to-width ratio? I've seen guys whose sideburns are narrow, but grown fairly long (past the earlobe) and it looks too long to me given the width. It got me thinking, thus my question. Thanks!
—Evan

A: When it comes to sideburn length, follow the golden ratio — 1.6180339887. In other words, if you want sideburns 1 inch in width, make sure they are 1.6180339887 inches long. We know maintaining that degree of precision sounds tough, but over time, you will master it.

Throughout history, Wikipedia tells us, architects, artists, industrial designers, and Mother Nature herself have relied on the golden ratio as an aesthetic guide. If it's good enough for da Vinci, Mondrian, Le Corbusier, and the Parthenon, it's good enough for your face.

Use the chart below as a handy guide.

magnificent bastard sideburns chart

Ask the MB: Faux 5 O'Clock Shadow

If you're going to do it, do it like this
If you're going to do it, do it like this
Q: What are the rules for stubble on your neck and face? To me, stubble/five o'clock shadow represent the 'I don't care, deal with it' look. I like it, if I had a thicker coat I'd do it. However, is it wrong to have a problem with those who shave the neck, but leave the face stubbled?
--Brian

A: No, it's not wrong to have a problem with this oxymoronic look. It's completely defeating the point of the stubble and doesn't make sense prima facie. Get it?

Add it to the list of other things we don't understand, like decaffeinated coffee, non-alcoholic beer, and dry humping.

Tip the MB: Andy Garcia at Lakers/Celtics Game

Tip the MB: Andy Garcia at Lakers/Celtics Game
Did you just see Andy Garcia at the Lakers/Celtics game? He just made my weekend. This is worth noting. And celebrating.
--DC

A: Yes, we did note Andy Garcia at last night's game, and we're not sure if it was Andy Garcia or What Robert Downey Jr. Will Look Like in 10 Years.

TOP: Andy Garcia, 54, at last night's Lakers/Celtics game.

BOTTOM: Robert Downey Jr., 45, at the Iron Man 2 premiere in April.

Hurricane Van Gundy Hits America's Living Rooms

Hurricane Van Gundy Hits America's Living Rooms
Category 5 toolbag Stan Van Gundy is merely a regional style catastrophe 10 months out of the year. Every spring, however, the coach of the Orlando Magic becomes a national one during the NBA playoffs. Last night reader Nick wrote:

"Surely Stan Van Gundy of the Orland Magic deserves elevation to some sort of super toolbag status based on his 'attire' (using the word loosely) for Game 1 against Atlanta. The combination of mafia suit style, with black t-shirt, all completely ill-fitting even had my wife pausing in astonishment."

To Van Gundy's credit, he has replaced last year's mock turtleneck with a polo shirt. If he keeps that up, he may be downgraded to Category 4.

Robert Downey Jr. Goatee Advisory System Shifts from 'Guarded' to 'Severe'

Robert Downey Jr. Goatee Advisory System Shifts from 'Guarded' to 'Severe'
TOP
At the Oscars, Robert Downey Jr.'s goatee was fairly subtle, but also showing signs of gray, which experienced facial hair analysts typically interpret as a warning sign of brewing facial hair trouble. Thus, his Goatee Advisory System, aka his sunglasses, were indicating a threat level of blue, or "Guarded: General risk of jet-black Vegas magician goatee attack."

BOTTOM
At the Hollywood premiere of Iron Man 2, things had taken a clear turn for the worse, with Downey's Goatee Advisory system getting the upgrade from blue to red, or "Severe: Severe risk of jet-black Vegas magician goatee attack." If you're located in Southern California, it can't hurt to stock up on bottled water and canned food until the Robert Downey Jr. Goatee Advisory System drops to at least yellow. ("Elevated: Significant risk of jet-black Vegas magician goatee attack.")

Ask the MB: No Facial Hair? Really?

Ask the MB: No Facial Hair? Really?
Q: No facial hair? Ever? So how do explain Brian Austin Green nabbing Megan Fox? George Clooney and Elisabetta? Pitt and Jolie? Surely these guys aren't toolbags. If they are, I have no chance at all.

--TTH in Texas, Cash

A: Just looking over our facial hair channel, and while we've definitely said no to age-inappropriate facial hair, we're not shaving zealots. (However, as beards now hit the peak of the trend curve -- with Brad Pitt now resembling The Dude -- we're heading more vigorously in the opposite direction.)

About the couples you mention: Megan Fox (age 23) probably had a crush on Brian Austin Green (age 36) since she was 10 and he was on 90210. George Clooney is rich, famous, and handsome. Any one of those three is usually enough. Angelina Jolie? Ick!

Ask the MB: Five O'Clock Shadow

Ask the MB: Five O'Clock Shadow
Q: Really enjoying your site. What's your view on facial hair? Specifically, the perpetual five o'clock shadow? I realize we are well past the days of Miami Vice, but I think you can be MB if you keep it neat (figuratively speaking) and pair it with an appropriate contrast (e.g. with a suit).
--AP

A: AP, we see where you're going with the contrast idea, but consider this: the reason why Don Johnson never quite looked right is that he was otherwise so perfectly styled -- you can practically smell his cologne from this photograph -- that the five o'clock shadow looked affected. Any man who can find time for highlights can certainly find time to shave.

It works for Jason Statham, on the other hand, because it looks like he probably slept in those clothes, and reeks of cigarette smoke, bourbon, and possibly blood. Our recommendation: if you are absolutely nowhere near a razor blade for long enough to acquire stubble, then it's permitted (e.g. hostage situatons, elevator breakdowns, desert island plane wrecks.) Otherwise, shave or carry a big gun wherever you go, so it's clear you're not a gigolo.

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Rusty Gets Nailed

An MB-updated version of the Rusty Nail (3 oz scotch / 1 oz Drambuie).

  • a healthy dose of a single malt scotch (The Macallan)
  • splash of Drambuie

Serve on the rocks with a lemon twist. An hour later roll yourself into bed (not necessarily alone).

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