Here in Cocktail Zone 6 it still feels completely natural — even obligatory — to be holding brown liquor as we sit next to the fire while we hunt for style on YOOX and add finds to our price tracking app (still in early beta).
But soon, when the crabgrass emerges in our lawns and evening lows stay above freezing, we'll pivot to clear.
For at least the past decade the first clear cocktail out of the chute has been the ridiculously delicious Last Word. The only "problem" is it's packed with booze. Our doctors recently conferred and it turns out that an average of 49 drinks per week, per person is too many.
Enter another Prohibition-era cocktail that doesn't make you blind (at least not immediately): the Ranier Dog.
We discovered this one on a recent road trip to The Nation's Icebox and a stay at the outstanding Cantilever Hotel in Ranier, MN. We tweak the bar's original recipe slightly with a little less gin (doctors' orders), a little less simple syrup (fatness), and balance the volume with a little more juice. Like the Last Word, it's a cheerful palette powerwash that echoes what Mother Nature does to the outdoors this time every year, and hints at all the seasonal awesomeness that's just days away.
Ranier Dog (original recipe)
2 oz. Juniperus Gin
3 oz. grapefruit juice
1.5 oz. lime juice
1.5 oz. simple syrup
Mix the ingredients in a cocktail shaker. Shake a couple of times and pour over ice into a salted 16 oz. glass. If you have any limes left over, garnish with a robust wedge, sparing any heavily-salted zone.
Editor's Note: We are so passionate about pairing cocktails with the weather we built an app for the purpose. Check out your location's Pourcast and let us know what you think.
Q: I just bought tickets to The Nutcracker for December 6th in Minneapolis. What would a Magnificent Bastard wear to a ballet? I have a new grey cashmere turtleneck by 8, I want to wear if possible. —David
A: David, glad to hear you're into an 8 cashmere turtleneck. 6 years after our original recommendation, we still have a strong buy rating on this item, and it's definitely on the ballot for the forthcoming MB HOF.
To complete the outfit, consider:
1. PANTS: Makers & Riders Travelers Jean in Coal. $89. A few weeks ago we said we'd try these and we're glad we did. They're not just stretchy (6% spandex) but also remarkably flexible: we cannot think of an activity or event where they wouldn't feel right, including The Nutcracker. Owner Chris Ontiveros is closing down Makers & Riders so get these before he shutters, or we sell him out. (Seriously, we're buying enough of these to last 50 years.) Use the code MR15 for 15% off. NB: These are vanity-sized by a full 2 inches.
2. BLAZER: 8 by YOOX in Glen Plaid. $179.
8 provides such great value there was panic last year when YOOX pulled all things 8 from their site. But just a few months later the brand was reincarnated as "8 by YOOX" — finally owning up to its corporate ownership — and it's better than ever. Their blazers are fantastic and check all the boxes: a modern fit, meaty lapels, and functioning buttonholes. This Glen plaid version is just $179. NB: Unlike everything else 8, the blazers run small. Order one size up, and if you're between, two.
3. SHOES: Pantofola d'Oro Brown Wing-Tips. $185.
Longtime readers know we've been fully sneakerized. But we respect those who are still dipping their toes into it, which is why we're suggesting these wing-tipped training wheels. NB: In the Italian style, PdO runs one size small.
4. FLASK: Wentworth Pewter 6 oz. Flask. ~$68.09.
Our live events involve lots of tequila shots, vodka Red Bulls, and overly-aggressive pat-downs. We're betting The Orpheum has none of those, and you may need help getting through the 2nd act. Will fit inconspicuously into the blazer's inside pocket; plus, Anglophilia.
Exhibition games are mercifully over. Final cuts have been made. It's time for a new season of NFL action, and that means it's also time to introduce our latest lifestyle accessory: The Magnificent Bastard Game-Day Luxury Box. Crafted by fourth-generation woodworker Kyle Huntoon of Hunt & Noyer, this Super Bowl-caliber six-pack caddy is constructed from sturdy furniture grade pine, real football leather from Horween, genuine AstroTurf, and our own hard labor. (It's true; we screwed the straps into the boxes ourselves.)
Let's huddle and break this down in a little more detail. The box itself is made in Detroit. The strap comes from a Chicago leather supplier. The strap was cut and finished in a Minneapolis leatherworks, and all the finishing touches were done in our garage by Packer fans. Talk about a team effort — that's 100% of our all-time favorite division, the NFC North!
As nice as it once was in Minneapolis, we have to believe it's far nicer right now in Biella, Italy. Or maybe it's just that we're in an Italian state of mind, now that a couple of our new ties are here, in the shop, ready for purchase. To celebrate, we're pouring ourselves a Last Word, heading to Olive Garden for a Never Ending Pasta Bowl®, and putting on "Springtime in Italy," which is what we're calling one of our two new ties featuring fabric from Lancifico Subalpino, our favorite Mediterranean fabric house.
This beautiful specimen is made from a textured lightweight cotton that reads as crisp, alert, and artfully dishevelled. Put it on, and you may sense that your blood alcohol level has magically risen by 0.01 percent. But no higher — this tie makes you feel playful, not sloppy. You'll have trouble staying in the office, but if you duck out, even Shelly in HR will understand. A tie like this is made for striding boldly down springtime streets, not staring at spreadsheets at your standing desk.
NB: "Springtime in Italy" is one of a handful of MB ties available for the runner-up in the 5th Annual Allyn Scura Eyewear Challenge. Take the Challenge now! Deadline to enter is March 31.
Q: It's almost time to pack the corduroys away depending on where you live (sorry New England). So, what would you say are some essentials for spring? —Jack
A: Just 10 days ago, on the most frigid commute of the entire season, the thought of spring essentials seemed as distant as our final destination. But Jimmy the Carnivorous Groundhog was right, and Insta-Spring — it was 68 yesterday in Minneapolis — now has us consuming the following:
The Last Word
There is no cocktail that personifies and embodies spring more than The Last Word. Equal parts gin, Luxardo maraschino liqueur, Green Chartreuse, and fresh lime juice, one sip of this emerald Prohibition-era tipple immediately conjures thoughts of tournament basketball, The Masters, green grass, and swallows returning to Capistrano. It also serves as an excellent alternative to green beer, the toolbag drink of choice tomorrow.
White Pants
Spring means baseball, and Opening Day is the opening day of the newly-expanded white pant season (more on this later). The Cardinals play at Wrigley in just 20 days. The best place to find something cool, unique, and cheap is YOOX, as usual, and free shipping is now standard. Otherwise Levi Strauss & Co. makes white denim in the 501, 511, 514, and 569.
Todd Snyder Japanese Indigo Crew Sweatshirt
Our favorite purchase of 2015 by a wide margin. Is $275 a lot for a cotton sweatshirt, even if it's made by Canadian factory workers using Japanese indigo? Yes. But while this garment is marked 100 percent cotton, we actually suspect it might be 120 percent cotton, or maybe even 125 percent. It's that soft. Paradoxically, it's also incredibly sturdy. In fact, we're betting its tank-like construction will yield a life expectancy of at least a decade. Amortize its cost over that term and it's actually cheaper than a $15 Old Navy sweatshirt that you will be downgrading to "paint rag" by Independence Day.
Nylite Chambray in Aurora Red
During the chambray boom that happened a few years ago, when folks were making pants, suits, and even a few trendy hotels out of chambray, we did not buy in heavily. Indeed, we think chambray is a little like heroin or Jim Carrey — something to savor in small doses. But when it's used right it can be very effective. Here, for example, a splash of chambray gives these Tretorn Nylites — originally invented in 1964 and typically made out of a canvas — thinking about April matinees at Target Field. So make ours a double!
(And be on the lookout for our spring tie line, which will also be using chambray in sparing fashion.)
Vintage Onion Content
Insta-Spring has us recalling one of our favorite Onion pieces, this one from 1996: Area Students Prepare Breasts for Increased Springtime Display. "Female college students from across the northern U.S. celebrated the improved weather this week, preparing their breasts for the increased exposure and display that the warm weather now demands."
Q: I am preparing the groomsmen attire for my upcoming wedding. Naturally, our gentlemen will wear bespoke formalwear, as selected by the bride and I. Thin arched lapel, two button classic style coupled with a tapered, fitted jacket. I call it the Lafontaine. Here’s the kicker: the suits will be black, likely with white shirts (also fitted). In true bastardly fashion, I am considering offering the groomsmen a lasting, memorable gift: a woodworked, Quebec-issued bowtie made of noble wood. Given that I will be wearing a black (silk) bowtie, I'd like to differentiate them with another color. Can the men wear a brown on black style or must it be black on black?
Please advice, O wise Sensei.
Regards,
Louis-Philippe
A: We don't place much stock in the sanctity of marriage, but when it comes to the sanctity of marriage attire, we're strict traditionalists. If things go well — and we sincerely wish you the best — there's a chance your wedding photos will be hanging on your wall for 20, 30, even fifty years. Do you think your groomsmen's prospective wooden bow ties will stand that test of time?
So while your desire to offer your groomsmen a lasting, memorable gift is admirable, we'd like to steer you away from your current choice. You need timeless wedding attire, and that means ties that come from a silkworm's ass, not a tree.
As for a gift for the groomsmen, we recommend an engraved glass cocktail shaker. It's lasting, it's memorable, and if your groomsmen are worthy of being your groomsmen, it's a gift they will use often and appreciatively while getting shitfaced for years to come.
#17 at Minocqua Country Club, where we're fortunate enough to be playing this weekend, in between loafing and drinking.
Q: Can you recommend a good shoe to take for an extended walk in the woods? I don't eat near enough Nature Valley bars to feel comfortable even trying on anything from Patagonia or Merrell.
Also, is there anything I simply must add to my summer reading list? Your past recommendations have only done me good. —Donnie
A: Donnie, our only extended time* spent in the woods is either:
a. hitting recovery shots back to the fairway, or
b. tree skiing at Deer Valley
These activities involve wearing golf shoes or ski boots, neither of which we can confidently recommend for extended walks in the woods. Sorry.
As for the summer reading list here are three recommendations, one for each of our three favorite things: Golf, Leisure, and Cocktailing.
GOLF Every Shot Counts
"Moneyball" for golf that changes the way you look at the game, how you practice, and how you play.
LEISURE How to Be Idle
A collection of essays celebrating naps, taking a sick day, daytime drinking, and many other joys of life.
COCKTAILING The Modern Drunkard
The Bible for drunks, in seven short chapters, each of which you can finish in the time it takes to consume a cocktail (this makes for a highly enjoyable sitting).
* Late last fall we took a short hunting trip to Jackson Hole — where we wore boots — and got the surprise of our lives. Much more on this adventure soon.
Traditional weather reports are good as far as they go. But if you're in the midst of a killer heat wave, or a tornado is headed your way, you don't just want to know the current temperature or what the wind chill factor is. You want more information. Like what geographically relevant cocktail to drink. And that's what Pourcast provides. You're welcome.
You can't just create an app like this with coding. It took some traveling. And many all-night bouts of cocktailing. In the midst of our development efforts, we started experiencing carpal tunnel syndrome from all the repetitive glass-lifting we were doing. So there are still improvements to make. But we think this is a good first pass at pairing the proper cocktail with your location's temperature, cloud cover, and precipitation.
Pourcast defaults to Minneapolis. But you can use it for any city on earth (including places where alcohol consumption is illegal, so watch your step). Here, for example, are a flight of cities that start with "P" expertly matched with cocktails that complement the weather conditions that were in effect when we made this chart.
Paris
68° Partly Cloudy
Martinez
Poughkeepsie
43° Sunny
Whiskey Manhattan
Pyongyang
55° Clear
Boulevardier
Pago Pago
82° Partly Cloudy
Pimm's Cup
Prague
61° Partly Cloudy
Negroni
So give it a try. When a drink is recommended, click on the link for the recipe.
Q: Before you went Eat, Pray, Love you used to rail against the skinny tie. Like RAIL against it. Now you've come back and opened a store that sells only skinny ties. Do you find this at all ironic? —Andrew
A: Your note made us smile gently. Yes, partially because we've been project-vomiting gratitude out of our heart-holes ever since we returned from our extended Eat, Pray, Love sabbatical. But also because we took your conclusions about our store as strong evidence that you've been drinking Magnificent Bastards in unrestrained fashion.
We suppose if you strapped our Adam Smith cashmere belts around your neck (pictured in Chocolate Sandwich Cookie), they might qualify as skinny ties. We don't advise that.
Meanwhile, Joseph Kandell, Dan Feinbaum, and Steve Price used to be skinny ties. But they're no more skinny ties now than Mike Ditka's a football coach or Jon Gosselin's a TV star. They've moved on and have entirely new jobs. Like millions of folks in a rapidly shifting economy, they've made a strategic career pivot, acquired new skills and new training, updated their LinkedIn profiles, and now make their living as belts.
Finally, there are our actual ties. All of them are exactly 3 1/8 inches wide at their widest point. Perfect now, perfect forever. Only a Jezebel columnist determined to shift body size norms would think to call that skinny. Or possibly someone who has just enjoyed a half dozen or so MBs.
Also: We still don't like skinny ties. But we thought of a compassionate way to eradicate them from America. Stay tuned for more on this soon.
Record cold temperatures have descended upon the U.S. Entire basketball teams are getting stuck in snowdrifts. In Missouri, it was so cold even Hidden Valley Ski Resort shut down due to the "polar plunge."
In other words, perfect cocktail weather. When it's this cold out, though, even a hot toddy won't do. We decided we needed something new to celebrate this unprecedented cold snap, so we decided to create a new drink in its honor — the Polar Vortex.
As a starting point, we modeled the Polar Vortex on the classic Fanciulli cocktail, a Manhattan which uses Fernet Branca in lieu of bitters. For this bitter weather, though, you need bitters, so we doubled down with our favorite — Regans' Orange Bitters. Then, we added an extra ounce of hearty American rye whiskey to brace ourselves against the wind chill.
Unlike our normal languid, waltz-like shake of the ingredients, we gave everything an aggressive shake to produce a wintery, frothy top. A swirl of yellow Chartreuse in a chilled martini glass gave the Polar Vortex its full force. An orange peel as garnish added an optimistic note. Somewhere, it suggests, it's still warm enough to produce citrus.
One Polar Vortex takes the edge off quite nicely. Two will have you loosening your scarf. Three will make even Frosty the Snowman a little slushy, so watch your step.
Shake the whiskey, vermouth, Fernet Branca, and orange bitters. Swirl the yellow Chartreuse in a chilled martini glass and slowly pour in the arctic cold cocktail. Finish with an orange peel.
Where are all the thirsty plutocrats? Six months ago, the Dalmore issued the Paterson Collection — twelve bottles of single malt Scotch whisky crafted by Master Distiller Richard Paterson and packaged in crystal decanters with sterling silver collars. The price, as set by British retailer Harrod's: $1.6 million, or roughly $5,695 per shot.
Liquid gold? Hardly. These whiskies are actually about about 4.5 times more expensive per ounce than Glenn Beck's favorite hedge against communism. And about 2 times more expensive per ounce than cocaine.
For $1.6 million, we reckon you could buy at least twelve of Pulaski's finest taverns. But think how hard it would be to wrap and ship Jen’s Knaughty Pine or Woz's Polish Pickle to your loved ones?
The Paterson Collection makes for a much more convenient Christmas gift. Or at least it would if Harrod's realized who the target market for a $1.6 million twelve-pack is. Amazingly, the retailer insists that "this product cannot be purchased online." If you want it, you've got to pick it up in person or at least talk to someone on the phone.
Don't get us wrong — we love that kind of archaic 20th century thinking. We also love that the Paterson Collection is so top-shelf it comes in its own rosewood wardrobe.
But we're pretty sure the demographic for $1.6 million hangovers consists almost entirely of 23-year-old Internet broguls. I.E., people who've never seen a shopping cart outside of an iPhone app. Once the Paterson Collection can be ordered with a single click, it will sell faster than a thousand shares of Twitter on its IPO.
Eighty years ago today, America ended its disastrous bout of enforced sobriety and made it legal to get shitfaced in public with strangers again. Prosperity followed.
In honor of Repeal Day, we opened a fresh bottle of Bulleit and starting drinking MBs. By the third round, we figured we should spread the Christmas cheer and have a contest. Here’s how it works.
Go to our Twitter feed — @magbas — and retweet our tweet about drinking MBs on Repeal Day.
Then fire off an email to shop@magnificentbastard.com with your address, and one of our offshore customer service elves will send you one of our Made in USA Disposable Letterpress Beverage Shields. You’ll be automatically entered in a drawing for a free tie from our new shop.
The contest is in effect until 3PM, Friday December 6, Central Time. At that point, we’ll pick a winner from one of the qualifying entries, and one lucky winner will get his or her choice of tie.
Q: Great to have you back! I am attending my office Christmas party and I am to bring a $10 gift. Any ideas? —Richard
A: If you want something that will appeal to the widest range of potential recipients, our focus group testing has found that virtually all of white-collar America responds positively to a smoking, drinking man-deer who is not afraid to make a nonchalant spectacle of himself at Yuletime.
If you think the booze will be flowing freely at your party, and your 4th quarter performance has been strong enough to withstand a visit to HR, we like this plastic wine stopper from Gama-Go.
If you're lucky enough to work with literate, discerning colleagues, you can't go wrong with Paul Fussell's Class.
We can't make promises for the last two, but if you buy a Non-Denominational Winter Tree Accessory today, it will arrive in time for Friday office parties. (I.E., we ship it USPS two-day delivery at no extra charge.)
Q: What's up with the lack of postings lately? You've had two so far for the month of September, which sported a grand total of five words. I've taken to reading the SB (who has 8 posts in the month, with more words than I care to count) just to have something to do while I'm supposed to be working. Am I right to be concerned? —Tim
A: Our in-house masseuse thinks this has something to do with blockage of our third eye chakra. We think it has more to do with replacement refs, abundant tee times, and excessive MB Cocktail indulgence.
Whoever's right, we still have a lot to say — although never more than the SB — and will be back to a more regular posting schedule someday.
...the ultimate class bifurcation based on drink is simpler than [what they're served in], and it cuts straight across the center of society, unmistakably dividing the top classes from the bottom. I'm speaking about the difference between dry and sweet. If the locution of "a Seven and Seven" is strange to you, if your nose wrinkles a bit at the idea of drinking a shot of Seagram's Seven Crown mixed with Seven-Up, you are safely at or near the top, or at least not deeply compromised by the sugar fixation at the bottom. Bourbon "and ginger" is another drink favored down there but virtually unknown higher up. Both these, like daiquiris and stinger mists, brandy Alexanders and sweet manhattans, are often consumed before dinner, suggesting that the apéritif principle is not well understood except by non-proles who have undertaken extensive, i.e., European, travels.
The MBWhen Bryan Swanson invented the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail in 2010, there was some grumbling from some single malt scotch purists that mixing Laphroaig into a cocktail was fundamentally wrong. While we could kind of see their point at first, we couldn't after enjoying a few of these tasty, slightly smoky treats.
Now, nearly two years later, the February 2012 issue of GQ says, "any cocktail joint worth its Boston shaker is working the smoky stuff (i.e. single malts such as Laphroaig) into drinks."
While they recommend something called Penecillin, try the MB instead:
2 oz Bulleit bourbon
1 oz Berentzen Apfelkorn
1/8 oz Laphroaig 10-year scotch
2 dashes Angostura bitters
Combine all ingredients in a mixing glass filled with ice. Stir vigorously for 20-30 seconds. Strain into ice-filled rocks glass.
Q: Punches have been making a comeback in craft cocktail bars for a few years. I like one to be my contribution to a party. I try to switch up the recipes, stay egalitarian enough for both sexes to imbibe, stay strictly away from anything too sweet and err on the side of deceptively easy to drink. I've been blamed for a lot of behavior best forgotten which I take a certain amount of personal pride in. I've tried classic British Navy recipes and ones borrowed from Death & Co., the Violet Hour, etc. Do you have any favorites? —Keska
A: In our opinion, punch is one of the world's greatest mysteries. How did it get invented in India in the 1600s, when neither country clubs nor sorority girls existed yet? We've spent a lot of time pondering this question over the years and are still no closer to an answer, but that's okay. Sometimes, it's best just to accept the bounty the universe bestows upon us.
As you've already discovered, punch is an unbeatable party drug and a drink we always serve at our get-togethers. It goes down easy, it's communal, and when made properly the police will show up.
A version that subscribes to your principles (which we wholeheartedly endorse) and is perfect for the summer-fall transition is something we call simply Fun Punch. (It has earned this name many times over.)
2 cups natural brown (demerara) sugar
2 cups water
1/2 cup grated fresh ginger
1 gallon Cabin Still bourbon
3 gallons Simply Lemonade
2 cups freshly-squeezed lemon juice
Make a simple syrup with the sugar, water, and ginger by bringing them to a boil in a sauce pan. Simmer for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Cool and then strain. Combine the ginger-infused simple syrup and the other ingredients in a 5-gallon Culligan water bottle and shake. (You may need some help with that last step.) If you don't own a Culligan water cooler you can rent one for about 35 bucks. When you return it, it will smell like Nick Nolte has been sleeping in it for several days, but surprisingly, the company we rent from does not seem to mind this. Or at least it hasn't called us on it yet.
A: We've found that Mother Nature offers sound guidance on when to break out the tweed: first frost. According to the Old Farmer's Almanac, on average this happens in Green Bay on October 4. This feels just right for us, as it's also the time we move exclusively to brown liquor. For most of the rest of the country we think the Almanac's first frost table will function as a fairly accurate tweed-wearing guide too.
If you live in a climate where frost is rare, you can start wearing tweed as soon as it's gloomy at least three days in a row.
If you live in climate where it never even gets gloomy, you either own no tweed or your love for the fabric is so irrational you will have no use for practical advice like ours.
Don't Serve it Like ThisWe may still be wearing white pants, but we're also running low on gin after a long summer and looking forward to the fall. Thus, our thoughts take on an amber hue as we contemplate our next cocktail. At times like this we typically enjoy an MB. But lately we're thinking a lot about the Sidecar.
According to our official cocktail color changing guide, it's actually a little early in the year for Sidecars. So why the rush? A friend recently introduced us to Germain-Robin Craft Method Brandy, and now we're looking for an excuse to buy a few bottles ourselves.
If you're using cognac, we suggest a VSOP (very superior old pale). In our recipe we'll be staying stateside with the Germain-Robin, which is produced in California. The Sidecar is sometimes called a "brandy margarita," which may explain why many establishments will serve this up in a sugar-rimmed martini glass. But we like them best in a rocks glass, just as we'd use for an MB.
2 parts Germain-Robin Craft Method brandy
1 part Cointreau
1 part fresh lemon juice
Lightly shake with ice, then pour into a ice-filled rocks glass. Based on your tastes, brandy choice, and strength of the lemon juice, you should adjust the Cointreau and lemon juice to find proper balance.
Q: Where can you find these glasses used in your wonderful photo promoting the concoction of the Magnificent Bastard cocktail? —Alan
A: A cocktail glass is like a bra, Alan. Ultimately it doesn't matter how fancy it is — it's what inside that's going to make your evening. Which is our way of saying that we got those glasses at Crate & Barrel. Simple, functional, they do the job. When someone breaks a glass at one of your parties, you want them to regret the lost cocktail, not the lost glassware.
Q: I'm struggling to figure out what I should get my groomsmen for being in my wedding. Any ideas? —Trae
A: If it's your first marriage, you're probably relatively young and so are your groomsmen. They haven't been groomsmen at a ton of weddings yet, so we think it's safe to go with something fairly predictable and yet eminently useful to any man: A decent flask. Yes it's cliché and our endorsement might have something to do with our love affair with alcohol — did you ever think for one second this site is the product of men who are sober? — but it's the only groomsman gift we've ever received that isn't either in a landfill or hidden away in a drawer somewhere. (In fact, this gift is hidden inside our blazers' breast pockets right now.)
Anyhow, we like this Wentworth pewter flask from Kaufmann Mercantile. It's handmade in Sheffield, England, fully satisfying the principle of Anglophilia, and with the 6oz. version, also satisfying the principle of getting tight.
Now, if it's your second marriage or beyond, you need to be a little more creative. In this case, we like the Survival Hand Chain Saw from Garrett Wade. Extremely portable, weighing almost nothing, your groomsmen will find it perfect for sawing through their own arm when they need to escape that bridesmaid they're stuck under the morning after. It's not an item most guys have, but who wouldn't want to have one handy?
Note the subtle jet plane detailNothing tests the Magnificent Bastard principle of understatement more than holidays. Halloween is the worst, followed closely by the 4th of July. Red, white, and blue are great colors for Ol' Glory and beer cans, but unless you're a superhero, too much red, white, and blue in your wardrobe at any one time can make you look like you're hitting the bricks to shill your local tax return service. If you're looking for a role model, choose Founding Father Thomas Jefferson over Uncle Sam — subtlety trumps bombast every time.
Of course, on a day when bombs — or at least their Las Vegas cousins, Class 1.1G fireworks — are bursting in air, subtlety's a relative concept and some red, white and blue in your wardrobe is completely appropriate. With that mind, here are 5 ways to show your patriotism without looking like Yankee Doodle Toolbag on the 4th of July.
Block Headwear makes our favorite hats. Salute the spirit of Betsy Ross by hiring a seamstress to create a new temporary hatband for you using 67 cents worth of grosgrain ribbon from M&J Trimming. Get the 7/8" size.
Is President Bush spending the 4th at his trophy ranch in Crawford, sipping a near-beer and wearing a Boast tipped polo like he did in the goold old days? We have no idea, but we like to think so.
It's become popular in recent years to bash the French, but while America was fighting for its independence, the French gave us the spirit of Enlightment that would later inform our Constitution, military support, and, we're guessing, some pretty good pastries. Show your gratitude with this Moncler track jacket.
FINAL WORD OF ADVICE: Choose only one of these items and leave it at that. Except for the beer koozie. That goes with everything.
This just in from the Daily Mail: No beer at the royal wedding. Apparently, only champagne is dignified enough to whet Queen Elizabeth's whistle.
Too bad Elizabeth's mum, Her Majesty The Queen Mother, isn't still with us. She liked her beer just fine, as the photo at left illustrates. Even better, it wasn't really an AM summer party for her until the gin and Dubonnet made an appearance, as she wrote in a note which sold at auction for £16,000 in 2008:
"I think that I will take 2 small bottles of Dubonnet and gin with me this morning, in case it is needed."
Strictly speaking, Dubonnet Rouge is an aromatized wine, but we like to use it whenever a sweet vermouth is called for. Its ruby color and spicy aroma will provide a unique twist to any classic recipe. (It goes particularly well in one of our favorites, the Negroni.)
The Queen Mum preferred a weak version of a Dubonnet Cocktail, roughly 2 parts Dubonnet Rouge to 1 part gin. The recipe is quite flexible, though. On really hot days, or days when the royal bloodlines are being diluted even further — a common photographer? — the ratios can be reversed. The classic version, though, has it 1:1. Be sure to include a dash of orange bitters to bring out more complex hidden aromas in the Dubonnet.
Dubonnet Cocktail
* 1 oz. Dubonnet Rouge
* 1 oz. Dry Gin
* 1 dash orange bitters
Combine in ice shaker; shake. Strain into martini glass and garnish with twist of lemon.
The CaipirinhaQ: What's wrong with a mojito now and then? —Pete
A: Here are a few guidelines we try to keep in mind while mixing drinks:
1) If it's so sweet it makes your teeth ache, it's not a proper cocktail. 2) If it's got enough fresh produce in it to qualify as a salad, it's not a proper cocktail. 3) If it looks like it would feel right at home on the drinks menu at Chili's or The Cheesecake Factory, it's not a proper cocktail.
Sorry, Papa, mojitos score a perfect 3 for 3 on this list — we cannot drink mojitos.
Where mojitos use rum, derived from molasses, caipirinhas use cachaça, a Brazilian liquor distilled from sugarcane juice. It's sweet but light, and thus more appropriate for summer. Even more importantly, the absence of mint leaves in a caipirinha means you can drink them without worrying that your smile is doing an Alexander Ovechkin impression.
Make sure you use a quality cachaça. As usual, price is a reliable guide. We recommend Leblon, because of its consistent quality and dedication to creating videos like this.
OK, where were we? Right. Caipirinhas.
Try the MB version of the classic recipe below. Depending on the amount of juice in the limes, you may need to adjust the amount of limes and sugar used. Once you have it balanced, feel free to adjust the flavor with a few dashes of bitters. We've been using Fee Brothers' Grapefruit Bitters.
Caipirinha
1/2 lime cut into wedges
2 raw sugar cubes
2 oz Leblon cachaça
In the bottom of a boston shaker, muddle the lime wedges and sugar. Top with the cachaça and several ice cubes, cover and shake aggressively. Pour entire contents into a rocks glass.
What better time to work on that bottle of Chartreuse standing stoically in the back of your liquor cabinet? It packs more punch than a Shamrock Shake and stays relevant long after your yearly ration of corned beef runs out. After all, it's green because of actual chlorophyll, not green dye #3, and thus it's a great way to toast the change of seasons all month long.
Chartreuse is based on a centuries-old recipe guarded by Carthusian Monks -- wise men, with plenty of time on their hands. This spicy, pungent liqueur has been a favorite of many literary characters, both real (Hunter Thompson) and fictional (The Great Gatsby).
You might even remember one of the finalists in last year's Magnificent Bastard cocktail contest, Xopher Hartman's Sazerac Twist, contained it. Like many cocktails, this recipe keeps the level of Chartreuse low, due to its assertive flavor.
For a cocktail that more prominently displays Chartreuse's unique flavor and color, try the Last Word. This Prohibition-era drink keeps the ratios simple, so it's no surprise it has incredible balance -- unlike the stars of the special St. Patrick's Day edition of COPS. Last Word
* 1 oz Plymouth gin
* 1 oz Luxardo maraschino liqueur
* 1 oz Green Chartreuse
* 1 oz fresh lime juice
Combine over ice, stir for 30 seconds, then pour into a martini glass.
VEP
Maybe best of all, think like a Carthusian monk. Keep it simple. Treat yourself to a bottle of Chartreuse Green VEP (Vieillissement Exceptionnellement Prolongé), which we're pretty sure is French for "the good stuff."
Serve it ice-cold in a liqueur glass. Or, slowly pour an ounce or two over a large cube of ice in a rocks glass. Call it "Lichen on a Rock."
Martinez. Yum.Since posting the Merry Magnificent Bastard cocktail last week, we attended a holiday party where they were served, and the response was table-smashingly enthusiastic. With hard work from Richard our cocktail editor, and Portland-based mixologist/bartender/author Jacob Grier, we've got four more Kid-tested, Mother-approved holiday drinks this year in our MB Holiday Cocktail Guide 2010.
A year ago we warned you of the clear and present danger of the holidays and presented the Basic MB Hot Toddy as an alternative to any drink that contains enough eggs or dairy products that it would make a better omelet than cocktail. This year we've got five more superb holiday cocktail options, one being the holiday version of the Magnificent Bastard, which is nearly as good as the original.
2 oz Bulleit bourbon
1 oz Domaine de Canton
1/8 oz Laphroaig 10-year scotch
2 dashes Fee Brothers Whiskey Barrel Aged Bitters
Combine all ingredients in a mixing glass filled with ice. Stir vigorously for 20-30 seconds. Strain into ice-filled rocks glass.
Like the original MB cocktail, this drink was also invented by mixologist Bryan Swanson, who explained why it's so damn tasty this time of year: "The ginger in the DdC and clove/spice flavors in the Fee Brothers give the drink a nice warming touch. Have it with some gingerbread and it's a holiday."
Q: Finally! A new header! Thank heaven. But Schlitz? --Cash
A: Please know that Schlitz, at least according to the writing on the can, is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And their 16oz. "Tall Boys" are an especially tasty treat. Just when you think you should be out, there are still four delicious ounces left.
Reed and Barton Crystal Martini Shaker via The Foundary. $49.00.We're always on the lookout for glass shakers worthy of mixing the Magnificent Bastard cocktail. Glass is a requirement because it doesn't conduct heat as well as metal, therefore glass shakers make less-diluted cocktails than metal shakers. They also happen to look cooler. Anyhow, for the budget-conscious we recommended this Pottery Barn glass shaker (minus the monogramming), then found this lead crystal version at Williams Sonoma stores for $99. Now, thanks to new flash-sale site The Foundary, you can pick up a Reed & Bartonlead crystal shaker for just $49.
It's available for about three more days, unless we buy them out first. If you'd like an invite to join The Foundary just drop us a line. It's brand new and looks like it could be the housewares equivalent of Gilt.
Q: So I've got a work boat cruise party coming up in the middle of October (I live in Virginia). I'm at a loss of what to wear. I'm starting with a pair of AG's, a nice pair of not too pointed/not too square black Clarks loafers I'm at a loss of how to be bastardly magnificent at this point. I've got the Carolina Blue Gingham Shirt, but I'm wondering if maybe a solid shirt/tie and a simple blazer might knock it out of the park. It's easy to put in barely any effort to stand out style wise with engineers, but really looking to set myself apart. Thanks!!! --Wade
A: We're on record advocating for gingham as a year-round pattern, so definitely wear that shirt.
If you really want to hit it out of the park -- essentially becoming your office's Mr. October -- pair it with a brown corduroy blazer, like this one from Banana ($198), or this one from J. Crew ($138), or if you're flush this one by Etro ($990). It's the cocktailing equivalent of mixing ginger into bourbon lemonade; you're hitting the appropriate fall notes while your shirt and leisure activity read summer (and you can wear that blazer for the next 5 months).
Suddenly we're very thirsty.
UPDATE: The J. Crew version is now on sale for $99, $109 for Tall.
Dorset Cocktail Shaker via Williams Sonoma. $99.00.As the weather here has quickly turned from highs in the 90s to highs in the 60s, our palettes have turned equally as fast from desiring gin and tonics to needingMagnificent Bastards. We recommend mixing this drink -- and any other drink for that matter -- in a glass shaker, and, short of finding an Austrian 800 silver & cut glass cocktail shaker on eBay, can recommend a mixing vessel worthy of your consideration: the Williams Sonoma Dorset Cocktail Shaker.
Named after the county on England's southern coast, this lead-crystal barware catches and reflects light, thanks to its hand-fluting. And if that's not a charming enough backstory for you, it's not available at williams-sonoma.com. You actually have to travel to a store to buy it. $99.
An MB Cocktail recipe refresher course:
2 oz Bulleit bourbon
1 oz Berentzen Apfelkorn
1/8 oz Laphroaig 10-year scotch
2 dashes Angostura bitters
Combine all ingredients in a mixing glass filled with ice. Stir vigorously for 20-30 seconds. Strain into ice-filled rocks glass.
S Kirk & Son Repousse Sterling Silver Coaster 1940 via Ruby Lane. $175.00.Q: I recently upgraded the desk in my den to a nice hardwood number and realized something while pouring myself a congratulatory drink - I need coasters. A lot has been said about what to drink and when, but what do you put them on? Stone? Wood? Plain glass-sized napkins? --Adam
A: Adam, the principle of organic materials extends beyond your wardrobe to your home, too, and that definitely includes your choice in coasters. Stone surely qualifies, as does wood, but wood on wood is too matchy-matchy; and cloth napkins, while requiring laundering (and folding), are a tad too tea party.
No, this is your den, your man cave. It's the place where you pay the bills, watch sports, and gaze up at shelves filled with books you haven't read. You need a coaster worthy of your exclusive one-man club, so go for something vintage, hopefully with a few dings, and clearly one of a kind, like this sterling silver version by S. Kirk & Son, a Baltimore silversmith that dates its beginning to 1815.
She was drinking Magnificent Bastards.
I was getting amazingly plastered.
Rocking Tommy Bahama,
I'm like, "Yo, babymama!"
(There are rules I still haven't mastered.)
Congratulations to Kevin. For writing poetry that maybe took 10 minutes he's won a year's supply of Magnificent Bastard "Morning After" Roast, two cool coffee mugs, and a Hario grinder. Enjoy, Kevin. We like your sense of humor and we sure hope you're kidding about rocking Tommy Bahama.
Q: You've touched on various cocktails and drinks of choice for MBs everywhere, but you have yet to mention The Magnificent Bastard champagne of choice for a special night with a Spectacular Bitch. What do you guys think? --Andre
A: Andre, we've previously covered this issue with our highly scientific champagne chart, and it applies to your outing with an SB. Take note: the more she skews towards the B side of the SB spectrum, pay closer attention to the x axis of our chart.
Q: The cocktail contest was a sheer success. My local bar is buzzing about the drink; it's possibly the best form of advertising you could have done! Thanks. ("Two more MBs, please" - Me)
--William
A: William, thanks for your note. We're glad to hear your bar of choice stocks all the ingredients an MB cocktail requires. Let us know its name and location, and we'll add it to a nationwide directory we're compiling of establishments that serve MBs.
Public service announcement: We'd like to create an extensive directory. If you have a favorite bar where you've ordered our signature cocktail, please share this info with us. Send us its name, city/state, and a note or two about what makes it a great place to drink MBs.
Q: I have purchased the ingredients to make a Magnificent Bastard, but confused about the instructions requiring a mixing glass filled with ice. Why do you mix in an ice-filled glass, then move it to another ice filled glass? --Greg
A: Greg, you say you bought the booze an MB requires, so we're assuming that you're 21 or older -- but are you new to cocktails?
We're talking about a glass shaker here, not any old glass. As The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks author David Embury explains, metal is a better conductor of heat than glass, so you will drink less diluted cocktails if you use a glass shaker.
Angostura Bitters via KegWorks. $7.99.Has it only been a week since we chose the winning MB Cocktail? We feel like we've been drinking them for years already. And here in Pulaski, we fear we're putting a serious dent into the local supplies of Bulleit, Apfelkorn, and Angostura bitters. (We're OK on the Laphroaig 10-year, since the MB Cocktail requires just an 1/8 oz per serving.)
The Angostura pipeline is especially iffy. This old-school bitters, the yellow-topped one we used to pass over while pillaging Dad's liquor cabinet in the '90s, is in short supply worldwide due to an ingredient shortage and "financial restructuring" at House of Angostura.
No way you should let a lack of gentian root or the global financial crisis curb your thirst for Bryan Swanson's delicious contribution to humanity. So grab Angostura while you can, and grab a lot. A pallet of the stuff recently arrived at KegWorks and we've already secured a case for our immediate needs. And if things get really dire, there's always Dad's liquor cabinet. But he sleeps with a shotgun next to the bed and frankly he's getting a little jumpy as he gets on in years. Ordering through KegWorks is the safest bet.
A hundred years from now, will the iPad be known only as the second most revolutionary invention to make its debut during the first week of April 2010? We'd like to think so, but then again, we're still kind of drunk.
After seven weeks of pitting 32 cocktails against each other in head-to-head combat, we've finally got a winner: Bryan Swanson's Magnificent Bastard cocktail. See complete details.
We toast all who submitted entries, all who judged, and our sponsor KegWorks. Stay tuned for our next contest, which will, at the insistence of our synapses, involve coffee as well as alcohol.
THIS is played outThe obnoxious obsession with drinks is PLAYED OUT. GET OVER IT. --Jason
Jason, this is not an obnoxious obsession. This is a quest to invent the first great cocktail since the Sidecar (1918). In other words, as Joe Biden might say, it's a big fucking deal.
Two entries that made the cut into the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest called for dashes of Fee Brothers Whiskey Barrel-Aged Bitters. This was harder to get our hands on than an anorexic stripper in a vat of baby oil. To the rescue came fourth-generation owner Joe Fee, who sent us a bottle of the 2010 vintage weeks before its release to the general public. (Incidentally, the two aforementioned drinks advanced to the Sweet 16). In a couple weeks you'll be able to pick up this distinctive, strictly limited edition aged aromatic bitters at contest sponsor KegWorks. Ignore any impulse toward restraint when procuring this stuff. When it's gone, it's gone.
Cocktail Contest Update: Tomorrow night there are 8 more matchups, which will leave only the Elite Eight. Winners of this round to be posted on Saturday, March 13.
There was such a positive response to the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest we needed to pre-screen the entries in order to achieve the desired number for a single-elimination bracket tournament. Some we could dismiss out-of-hand simply because they either did not qualify as a cocktail or were so insipid they deserve public ridicule, a service which we plan on providing in coming days.
For the remainder, we performed an initial taste test. After a lot of muddling, shaking, straining, and slurring, we narrowed the field down to the 32 best cocktail entries. Check 'em out and feel free to play along at home. The first games start this Thursday, February 11, with the winner to be crowned April 5.
If you want to play 18 holes at Kastle Park Go-Karts and Mini-Golf (in Green Bay, WI, real close to our office), a putter alone will suffice. If you aspire to Pebble Beach, you need a few more clubs in your arsenal. So it is with alcohol. Any man who aims to spend at least 25% of his ample leisure time with a drink in hand needs a full set of tools. To ensure that you've got everything you need, we've enlisted the help of the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest sponsor KegWorks to help Magnificent Bastardize your bar.
Item
Ordinary Bar
MB Bar
Why
Cocktail Shaker
Standard 3-piece Metal Shaker
25.5 oz. Glass Shaker
Indigenous to liquor bottle gift sets and department store "entertaining" aisles, the average metal shaker is prone to becoming a hard-to-open frustration. There are also immutable laws of physics at work that call for glass shakers.
Citrus Juice Extractor
Hand Squeezer
Heavy-Duty Juicer
Hand squeezers require excessive effort and you may end up with pulp and/or seeds in your drink. With the pull of a lever, the chromed-out zinc alloy juicer gives you fresh citrus juice without the "extras."
Cutlery for Garnishes
Paring Knife
Channel Knife - Peeler and Zester
Sure, paring knives will cut things - then again, so will rusty box cutters.
If you're serious about preparing cocktails the right way, you'll invest in a zester specifically designed to peel citrus. When cut with the right tool your lemons, limes and oranges will release fresh oils and ideal flavor into your drink.
Measuring Tool
Shot Glasses
Jiggers
Consistent drinks call for consistent measurements. Shot glasses are usually an ounce but for any other measurement, you'll be eyeballing it. Jiggers have precisely measured cones on either end to make sure you always get it right.
Stirring Utensil
Plastic Stir Sticks
Stainless Steel Bar Spoon
Go ahead, try to layer shots, stir a large tumbler or fish cocktail onions out of the jar with a plastic stir stick.
Q: In the header photo, what's in the cocktail glass the MB is holding, and how many did the lady by the loading dock have? --Jeff
A: The MB is drinking Dewar's neat. There was no ice available on the set, but we consume it this way often anyhow. In fact, if we were stranded on a desert island (or maybe an island off the coast of Scotland) with a single spirit, it would be Dewar's, not just for its flavor, but for its versatility.
The woman in the pic came to the shoot straight (as far as we know) though a belt or two wouldn't have hurt for the header photos you are about to see.
Ed. note: If you are a woman reading this and have an interest in appearing in an upcoming MB.com header photo, drop us a line.
And now it's time for another excerpt from David A. Embury's canonic 1948 cocktail book "The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks." Buying the right shaker can make all the difference between a good drink and a great one. Keep that in mind as you stir (or shake) up a recipe for entry into the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest. Deadline for entry is just 17 days away.
Good cocktail shakers can be obtained in all manner of sizes, shapes, and materials. Since metal is a better conductor of heat than glass and, therefore, the ice in a metal shaker will melt and dilute the drinks quicker than in a glass shaker, I recommend glass shakers, but with tight-fitting metal tops. The opening of the glass shaker should be large enough to take large ice cubes with ease; the opening of the metal top from which the drink is poured should be small and the construction should should be such that there will be no leakage between the shaker and the top and no drip from the top after pouring. Be sure the top is tight enough not to fly off either in shaking or in pouring, but as an extra precaution always hold one hand on the shaker and one on the top during both operations.
Chill the shaker well before using, either by leaving it in the refrigerator for a half-hour or by partially filling it with cracked ice. This ice should be discarded before mixing the cocktail. The heavier the glass in your shaker, the longer it will take to chill it, but the longer the drinks in it will stay cold and undiluted.
Winner to receive a $500 shopping spree at KegWorks. (They've put together a "help page" as well.) Entry deadline is fast approaching. When you're ready, submit your entry here.
A few weeks ago, to help guide folks towards constructing a winning concoction for the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest, we excerpted from David A. Embury's canonic 1948 book "The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks." Time now for another installment: Cocktail Ingredients.
Every cocktail, properly so called, must contain two different types of ingredients. It also may, but need not necessarily, contain a third type. They are:
1.A base; 2.A modifying, smoothing, or aromatizing agent; 3.Additional special flavoring and coloring ingredients.
Let us consider them in order.
1.The Base This is the fundamental and distinguishing ingredient of the cocktail and must always comprise more than 50 per cent of the entire volume. Indeed, with a few rare exceptions it should constitute from 75 per cent of total volume upward. Strictly speaking, the base must always consist of spirituous liquors – whisky, gin, rum, brandy, etc. [...] Within certain limits, however, it is possible to combine two (perhaps even more, but this is dangerous) liquors as a base. [...] ...the indiscriminate mixture of three or four or five different liquors is practically certain to destroy the distinguishing flavor and aroma of all and produce a result about as palatable as a blend of castor oil and gasoline.
2.The Modifying Agent It is difficult to find a word that exactly describes this ingredient (or group of ingredients) and, for want of a better term, I have called it the modifying agent or modifier. It is this ingredient, in combination with the base of spirituous liquor, which characterizes the cocktail. Without this ingredient the base, no matter how violently shaken and how thoroughly chilled, would still not be a cocktail but would remain merely chilled liquor. Its function is to smooth down the biting sharpness of the raw liquor and, at the same time, to point up and add character to its natural flavor.
[...]
3.Special Flavoring and Coloring Agents These include all the various cordials or liqueurs, which will be discussed later, as well as non-alcoholic fruit syrups. [...] Of all the factors involved in the mixing of cocktails, flavoring agents are undoubtedly the most abused. [...] These special flavoring agents should be measured by drops or dashes, not by ponies or jiggers. [...] Whenever you see a recipe calling for equal parts of rum, brandy, Cointreau, curaçao, and Benedictine, with a dash of absinthe, shun it as you would the very devil.
Winner to receive a $500 shopping spree at KegWorks. (They've put together a "help page" as well.) Entry deadline is January 31. Get cracking! When you're ready, submit your entry here.
Luxardo Gourmet Maraschino Cherries - 360g Jar via kegworks.com. $16.75.With any luck the inlaws have finally cleared out and you can un-hide your top-shelf booze and condiments. The latter should include Luxardo gourmet maraschino cherries. There's nothing more wrong than topping off a finely-mixed drink with a cherry that's better suited for a kiddie cocktail.
Keep that in mind as you prepare your submission to the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest. Winner to receive a $500 shopping spree from KegWorks. You've got exactly 31 days until the deadline, so get mixin'.
I read and enjoy your blog daily. Many thanks for great advice and especially the great laughs.
I note your reference to "The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks" by David Embury. Another book that should be on hand at every MB's personal bar is "Everyday Drinking: the Distilled Kingsley Amis". The book discusses everything from cocktails to hangovers to dealing with boorish louts. --Dino
For the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest, we strongly suggested brushing up on David A. Embury's canonic 1948 book "The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks." If you don't have your copy handy, we're going to provide excerpts over the next few weeks as a framework for constructing a winning cocktail. Today, the six most important attributes of a cocktail:
1. It must whet the appetite, not dull it. This first basic requirement of a good cocktail automatically eliminates a host of over-sweetened, over-fruit-juiced, over-egged, and over-creamed concoctions customarily found in books of cocktail recipes. For example, while an Alexander, like a glass of good port wine, may be a delightful midafternoon drink accompanying cake or chocolate cookies, nevertheless, in the sense of a pre-prandial apértif, it is definitely not a cocktail.
2. It should stimulate the mind as well as the appetite. The well-made cocktail is one of the most gracious of drinks. It pleases the senses. The shared delight of these who partake in common of this refreshing nectar breaks the ice of formal reserve. Taut nerves relax; taut muscles relax; tired eyes brighten; tongues loosen; friendships deepen; the whole world becomes a better place in which to live. But don't expect these results if you serve bitter drinks, syrupy drinks, watery drinks, or drinks that taste like reconditioned tin.
3. It must be pleasing to the palate. In order that a cocktail may satisfy both requirements 1 and 3, it must be dry (i.e., not sweet), yet smooth. Indeed in compounding a cocktail, the first thought should be the production of a drink sufficiently dry to wake up and energize the taste buds, yet not so sour or so bitter or so aromatic as to be unpalatable.
4. It must be pleasing to the eye. This requires no conscious effort, yet I have seen Martinis that looked like dishwater just recovering from a bad case of jaundice and Manhattans that resembled nothing else quite so much as rusty sludge from the radiator of a Model-T Ford.
5. It must have sufficient alcoholic flavor to be readily distinguishable from papaya juice, yet must not assault the palate with the force of an atomic bomb.
6. Finally, (and remember I am speaking now of cocktails only and not apértif wines) it must be well iced. Of this, more later.
Winner to receive a $500 shopping spree at KegWorks. (They've put together a "help page" as well.) Entry deadline is January 31. Get cracking! When you're ready, submit your entry here.
It's been 91 years since a classic cocktail was invented (Sidecar, 1918) and we believe it's time for a new drink to take its place alongside such legendary balms as the Rob Roy and the martini. That, and we're thirsty.
So we're embarking on a quest to invent the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail, and we need your help. Submit a drink recipe and be entered in a single-elimination taste-off tournament, to conclude on April 5, 2010. The winner will receive a $500 shopping spree at KegWorks, a great place to either Magnificent Bastard-ize your bar, or pick up a polished stainless steel stripper pole. Or both.
So get out your muddlers, your jiggers, your strainers. Stock up on bitters, mixers, garnishes, and some top-shelf booze. Then get to work. All entries must be submitted by January 31, 2010. Check the contest page for more information, including judging criteria and tips for winning. Good luck!
If you're a strict follower of our Cocktail Color Changing Guide, by this time of the year you will have downed enough Scotch to keep a small importer in business. Due to either the desire to try something new or constant badgering at holiday gatherings, in a moment of weakness you may even be tempted to try some warmed-over seasonal concoction. Don't fall victim to what is more or less the MB's version of a seasonal affective disorder (SAD)!
Here are some simple rules for when to avoid a seasonal drink:
* It contains enough eggs or dairy products that it would make a better omelet than cocktail * Its name sounds like a line from a Christmas carol * It looks like you'd need a spoon, or maybe even a knife and fork, to get it down * The host appears to be completing their annual purge of their spice rack into your mug
If you must have a hot or seasonal drink, try a basic Hot Toddy, which an MB prefers (or given the gathering, needs) to be a little heavy on the booze.
Basic MB Hot Toddy
2 shots cognac (or high-quality brandy)
1 tablespoon honey
1 teaspoon lemon juice
hot water to taste
Put this all in a warm mug and stir until the honey dissolves. Garnish with a twist of lemon. (See our guide to lemon twists.)
Cuddle up next to a fireplace and with someone who is as warm and cozy, and you're ready for the holidays. (See our previoussexyfemale Santa photo shoot.)
If you enjoy a good whiskey drink, how about the Remember the Maine? Totally old school, great for the fall, and a drink named after a battle cry? Not too shabby. --Juany
A: We heartily endorse the Remember the Maine, though we'd feel a lot better about the cocktail if the Spanish had actually been responsible for sinking her.
Anyhow, after some Googling we came across a pretty excellent video from the LA Times Magazine demonstrating how to make a Remember the Maine, by Eric Alperin of The Varnish, a new speakeasy on Sixth St. in downtown Los Angeles. (Skip the atomizer, however, and simply swirl the absinthe. Definitely TTH.)
Ed. note: We will soon be embarking on the quest to create the Magnificent Bastard, a cocktail that will one day take its place alongside such legendary balms as the Rob Roy and the martini. And we'll need your help. Stay tuned for details.
Q: After your recent "Are You a Cocktail Toolbag" I got to thinking about my favourite cocktail. How MB is my cocktail of choice - a White Russian? --Steve
A: Of course the most famous drinker of White Russians is The Dude, man. And while we strongly endorse his attitude towards authority, drinking, drug use, casual sex, and work-life balance, we just cannot get behind the White Russian -- it's far too sweet to be a daily drinker. If you find yourself out of Pepto Bismol, however, it does make for a good emergency digestive.
In reference to a recent question regarding breakfast drinks, may I suggest a Prairie Oyster? The mix of egg yolk and vinegar to fine cognac qualifies as senseless lack of utility, and also as Anglophilia, thumbing one's nose at fine French cognac tradition. Some may argue that the Prairie Oyster is strictly a hangover cure, but if one is not hungover every breakfast in Hawaii, well, they don't really deserve to be there do they?
Prairie Oyster (from David Embury's Fine Art of Mixing Drinks)
Q: What's an MB's breakfast drink? Mimosas seem unbastardly, so what are we to have with our mid morning breakfast when we're sailing in Hawaii? --Tripp
A: Tripp, a few thoughts:
1. Mimosas are for women. 2. While we've given lukewarm special dispensation for Tommy Bahama camp shirts while on the Hawaiian Islands, we don't for Hawaiian Island-y cocktails while you're there. Continental U.S. cocktail rules still apply: no blenders, no pastels, no straws, no flowers, and absolutely positively no umbrellas. 3. Make it a Bloody Mary. And easy on the bloody.
Q: Is there a MB way to carry one's lunch to work (retro tin lunchbox, insulated bag, brown bag, grocery bag, etc.)? Please enlighten me. --Bryan
A: If you are getting to work before lunch, you are working too hard. If in fact you are working that hard, at least treat yourself to a nice leisurely meal at a restaurant, with a waitress. If you can't afford a restaurant, then we suggest you bring your lunch to work in a bottle of Dewar's.
Q: What is the MB stance on drinking beer on the golf course? I like beer as much as the next guy and have been known to enjoy a beer during a round. But I turned a buddy down during a recent round when he asked if I wanted one. Aside from any possible negative effects on my score, the reason was that I realized that about 95% of the people I see drinking beer on the course exhibit all the symptoms of a toolbag (cargo shorts, untucked shirts, Oakleys, taking way too long, etc.). So I came to the conclusion that, while drinking beer while playing may not be inherently toolbag, it becomes toolbag by association.
So what says the MB? Is drinking beer on the course ever acceptable? If not, is there an acceptable alternative alcoholic beverage? --Brett
A: Brett, you started off by asking a question, and then, after some toolbag observation and deductive reasoning, answered it on your own, correctly. Well done. As for Part 2 of your question, we never drink on the golf course as it negatively affects performance, again, as you observe. However, once we putt out on 18 it's a stampede to the bar that's sometimes a potentially life-threatening The Who-like experience.
A well-placed lemon twist is the MB's garnish of choice for a martini and many other cocktails. [See our complete cocktails channel.] Lately we've seen a growing trend of rather bizarre looking ones being floated our way. Here's a simple, yet accurate guide to ensure you're going classic with your twist.
Way Too Wide "Waiter, there's a toupee floating in my drink!" This thickness for a moustache has long since been socially unacceptable or comically overused .
Inappropriate Size and Placement Lemon twist meets soul patch. Inappropriate in so many ways.
Too Curly or Thin Your date just lost all respect for you. Were they out of umbrellas?
Too Much Pith Way too thick, man. This Magnum P.I. of a twist translates to being too pithy and bitter.
The MB's Choice Just right. Appropriate thickness. Medium width. A slight curve is fine. Papa would approve.
It's Cinco de Mayo, which means it's the only day of the year for an MB to consume a margarita. Since margarita mix is to margaritas what Taco Bell is to tacos, avoid like the Mexican flu. Here's how it's done:
MB Endorsed Margarita
2 parts Tequila (must be 100% agave, blanco is fine)
1 part Cointreau
1 part fresh lime juice
Shake all the ingredients and pour into a martini glass, rimmed very lightly with salt.
The SheboyganQ: You have previously mentioned a drink named the Sheboygan. As a fellow Wisconsinite and someone who can properly pronounce the eponymous city's name, I would like to know how you make it. Any cocktails you might recommend for an upcoming summer spent on a sailboat or at the waterfront would also be appreciated. --Brian
A: Though the MB usually enjoys a slightly wet, gin martini, he sometimes finds himself out of gin (poor planning, boy) or at a gathering of friends from the South. Of course, South from our offices in Pulaski, WI might only mean as far as Sheboygan, home of America's best bratwurst. This version of a vodka martini gives tribute to Sheboygan, WI, where they might say that one of these makes a good appetizer, two a meal.
The Sheboygan
* 4 parts vodka
* 1 part dry vermouth
* dash of orange bitters
* garnish of a cornichon, slice of grilled bratwurst, and pearl onion placed in that order, for top to bottom, on a toothpick
Place garnish into a chilled martini glass. Gently shake (think waltz, not polka) the vodka, vermouth and orange bitters with ice; pour over the garnish.
A couple of keys to ensure this drink is at its best. First, use a high quality, authentic bratwurst from Sheboygan. You can experiment with other sausages, but we do not guarantee success using a substitute: garbage in, garbage out.
It's best to use a warm bratwurst to give the fullest flavor. If it's not fresh off the grill, microwave for 15 seconds to perk it up. Also, make sure you pour the martini over the garnish so you get the drink a little oily, just how the MB likes his ... cocktails.
Finally, for whatever reason, this version of a martini tastes best using potato vodka. We use Chopin. This may be due to our Sheboygan friends being classic "meat and potato" kind of people. Whatever vodka you choose, make sure it's worthy of the MB, and more importantly, the quality bratwurst.
The Elgin #1. Keeping Pulaski's streets clean since 1914Q: Spring is here, and I am anxious to leave the miserable winter of 2008-09 behind. But on to more pressing questions. Your cocktail guide for the fall/winter got me through many a winter doldrum. What about spring/summer? Is it just gin & tonic until the leaves change? --Ed
A: For some, the swallows returning to Capistrano mark the inevitable return of spring. As we look out the windows of our Pulaski, WI offices, we're reintroduced to spring by the return our city's only street sweeper, the Elgin #1 (pictured). The MB should take note of this and realize it's time to clean out your cabinet of the brown liquors of winter, save perhaps a bottle of scotch for your seasonally resilient Rob Roy, as you move from brown to clear liquors. We don't endorse the temptation to throw your dead soldiers into the streets to be swept up.
The most efficient and straightforward strategy to begin your journey is through Manhattanization: mixing any appropriate brown liquor, with a shot or so of vermouth (sweet, dry, or a mix of the two to go perfect), and a dash of bitters. It works for bourbon, scotch, rye whisky, or brandy.
Given the urgency, you may need to introduce a more aggressive approach to ensure you get through your stock of brown liquors before it's time for the clear ones. If this "problem" presents itself, you just need to take adjust your recipe while recalling one of the strangest words from your high school science class: meniscus.
Fill a lowball glass with ice, pour the brown liquor you're trying to polish off to just below the top of glass. Remember, the meniscus will make it appear to be slightly higher at the edge of the glass than in the middle. You need to leave just enough room for that splash of vermouth.
If you have any straight rye whisky, we also strongly suggest mixing up a Sazerac to give yourself some variety during this spring cleaning. Here's the simple, MB endorsed recipe:
Sazerac
3 shots Rye Whisky (or to taste)
1 sugar cube
Peychaud's Bitters
quarter shot of Absinthe
lemon twist
Soak the sugar cube with the bitters and place in the bottom of a highball glass. Mash with the back of a spoon (or muddler, which we hope has not been used to make a Mojito), add the rye whisky and fill the glass with ice. Stir for about 30 seconds and then strain into another lowball glass that has been rinsed with Absinthe and filled about halfway with ice. Garnish with a lemon twist.
By early May, you may be tiring of this duty, so the MB allows himself for one day, and only one day, to enjoy a Margarita. Thanks to the blender (or liquidizer for our UK friends), this perfectly acceptable cocktail has far too often been associated with frothy spills on countertops, enormous glasses, and crappy salsa. So, on Cinco de Mayo, the MB may have a Margarita. And since you're only allowed one per year, you might as well do it up right.
MB Endorsed Margarita
2 parts Tequila (must be 100% agave, blanco is fine)
1 part Cointreau
1 part fresh lime juice
Shake all the ingredients and pour into a martini glass, rimmed very lightly with salt.
If you've paced yourself well, as the weather heats up you should have more than a few occasions to enjoy the drink that marks the pinnacle of summer cocktailing: the gin and tonic. Before reaching the summit, though, consider the MB version of the Southside. We've left out the mint to embrace more of a pure lemon experience, and more importantly, to avoid any confusion with the ubiquitous and clearly not MB-endorsed Mojito. Think of it as lemonade for adults.
MB Bastardized Southside
2 parts gin
1 part fresh lemon juice
1 sugar cube (or half teaspoon simple sugar)
Soda water (if desired)
Place the sugar cube at the bottom of a lowball glass, add the fresh lemon juice, and mash with the back of a spoon. Fill two-thirds with ice and the gin and stir for at least 30 seconds. Add soda water, if desired, and give a quick stir. Garnish with a lemon wedge.
And finally, with the heat of summer the MB turns to the Gin and Tonic. There's no recipe needed for the classic gin and tonic, as the MB should have it well known what his preferred gin/tonic ratio is, perhaps even adjusting it for the weather. But he certainly should not allow any shortcuts to be made with the ingredients. Start with quality gin: Plymouth and Boodles are both MB endorsed.
With the growing availability of premium tonics, there should be no need to rely on hose-fed tonic for the cocktail that’s going to be the highlight of many sunny afternoons. The basic order of tonics is this: Fever Tree, Q Tonic, Fentiman's, Whole Foods 365, dog urine, Schweppes.
The Rob Roy is an all-time favorite, as is mother's milk Dewar's, but boy are they off base on their Rob Roy recipe. According to Dewar's:
3 parts Dewar's "White Label"
2.5 parts sweet vermouth
2 dashes bitters
2 dashes simple syrup
1 cherry
We're all for adding a little extra vermouth, but this is just too heavy-duty. Plus, with the addition of simple sugar, this version is probably so sweet you could put a stick into it, turn it upright, and then have a Rob Roy lollipop. What a great way to get the kids started!
Careful readers of the cocktail posts by the MBartender may have noticed our frequent use of orange bitters, the classic choice for bitters. Unfortunately, the local Pulaski, WI taverns haven't fully embraced the growing trend in upscale bars to brew their own bitters, so we have to rely on what we can get shipped in via FedEx. We reviewed the three orange bitters we are able to have delivered to our northern Wisconsin offices.
Angostura Orange Bitters (right)
The subtle orange taste is overwhelmed by a candy-like cardamom flavor. Certainly acceptable, but you can do better.
Fee Brothers West Indian Orange Bitters (center)
This had the strongest and cleanest orange flavor, but lacked any interesting aromatics. The Jessica Alba of orange bitters? This would be fine for tossing in a few dashes into a strongly flavored drink like a Negroni, but lacks the required complexity to properly enhance a well-structured martini.
Regans' Orange Bitters (left)
We might have given these bitters the nod simply based on the admirable and magnificent quest by Gary Regan to develop the perfect orange bitters. Easy for us, after several attempts and the aid of the Sazerac company, he succeeded. These bitters combine an appealing orange flavor with sophisticated aromatics that feature a pleasant emphasis on caraway. These are the bitters that are going to bring out the depth of flavors in both the premium gin and vermouth in your martini.
Q: How good does a scotch have to be before an MB won't put it in a Rob Roy and insists on drinking it neat? --Conrad
A: Conrad, you've asked what seems to be a simple question, but this would send a group of professional bartenders into a quarrel which undoubtedly would need to be settled over a few drinks and possibly some wrestling -- the best way to resolve any disagreement.
As we've mentioned in the past, the toolbags of this world think ordering Dom Perignon during the holidays is a sign of class. They're also probably the type who might order a Courvoisier and Coke. The MB knows how to toe the line (even with a law enforcement officer watching) between ignorant excess and the cocktail version of artful dishevelment.
Some "mixologists" (including Gary Regan), simply think that price should be your guide: if the scotch is north of $100 a bottle or so, you should drink it neat. Fortunately for the MB, you have your own taste and two simple rules as your guide:
1) It's fine to use a scotch up to 12-years old in a Rob Roy 2) Avoid using any scotch that's too peaty (think Laphroaig or Lagavulin)
Of course, if you love the peaty scotches you might be able to find the right blend of sweet or dry vermouth (remember the MB likes his Rob Roy perfect or fully dry, with onion garnish) to make a more-than-acceptable Islay Rob Roy. In this case though, you better have your A-game on, or your date may be calling you "Old Swampy" when you try to get more than just cordial.
Q: I bought my boyfriend a 25 year bottle of Glenmorangie for his birthday, but I wasn't sure what else I should include. Would a set of granite scotch rocks fall into the realm of toolbag? Should I stick to the more traditional crystal glasses? (Or is there a better gift to pair with the scotch?) --Natalya
A: Natalya, your hunch on granite scotch rocks is dead on. They're like pet rocks for alcoholic toolbags, though in the case of a $750 bottle of booze, certainly better than using actual ice. Go for a pair of the traditional crystal glasses if you must, though we can think of a better pair to pair with the Glenmorangie.
Q: First, thanks for clarifying the difference between a decent cocktail and a great one. It's changed the way I drink.
But I wanted to know what should be ordered when drinking isn't an option. I don't mean the basics. I'm assuming the coffee is always black, the water is never branded, and the drink, given the choice, is never bottled. What I mean is that time where you want to stay a few extra minutes at the bar, but another would put you over the limit. What do you ask for? --John (from the UK)
A: Generally, what we'd ask for is the check, but it sounds like you're looking for advice on how to keep sipping on something when you might have a good reason to hang around for a few more minutes at the bar.
Did she have a nice pair of cans?
The simple choice is tonic water with a twist. Usually, though, this might mean sucking down something that just recently saw the inside of a hose. We're not cattle! Being from the UK, you should be able to find the best choice in tonic: Fever-Tree. For those in the states, Q Tonic is becoming more widely available. And yes, we strongly suggest demanding one of these premium tonics the next time your bartender mixes up a gin and tonic.
But why go cold turkey? The goal is to keep your blood-alcohol level down, not put your kidneys into shock. Try something tasteful with far less alcohol than the your usual, three-shot Rob Roy. That's where one of our favorites, the Americano, comes in. Order this heavy on the soda and you'll have an enjoyable, not overly boozy option when slowly winding down your evening.
Classic Americano
3 parts Campari
3 parts sweet vermouth (Noilly Pratt)
splash of soda water
dash of orange bitters
Give a quick shake, pour over ice in a Collins glass, garnish with an orange peel.
MB "Last Call" Americano
1 part Campari
1 part sweet vermouth (Noilly Pratt)
3 parts soda water
dash of orange bitters
Pour all ingredients over ice, stir briskly, garnish with an orange peel.
Q: Love your site and you are right on with the boot and tucked in pants deal. My question is about where a gin martini fits in your MB seasonal drink chart. Winter is bourbon and scotch season certainly, but an icy martini does have its place too as the weather gets cold and dark in my opinion. Your thoughts? --Bradley
A: Regular readers of our site know that the Rob Roy is the MB's year-round drink of choice, but a gin martini is certainly more than acceptable alternative when you need a break from a seasonal overabundance of the brown liquors.
The MB version of the classic martini has a bastardly nod toward the classic origins of the cocktail (dash of orange bitters) but also a magnificent nod to getting the taste right above all else (appropriate amount of vermouth, because the flavor complexity is required, and a slight shaking, because the dilution with water brings out a better aroma and flavor). The modern obsession with an overly dry martini shows little knowledge of what the cocktail needs to deliver. (Sorry Mr. Churchill.)
Going Bradford (i.e. giving it a shake), is where the MB wants to be, though he appreciates the stance of the purists who advocate only stirring. Also, the Gibson version (with a cocktail onion garnish) isn't frowned upon.
MB Gin Martini
4 parts gin (Plymouth or Boodles)
1 part dry vermouth (Noilly Pratt)
dash of Regans' orange bitters
Give the gin, vermouth, and bitters a quick shake. Serve up with a lemon twist.
Charm offensive brought to you by MacallanHere at our Pulaski, WI offices the leaves are already off with a sudden dose of winter, which unfortunately left very little time for Manhattanization. We're already hitting the Macallan on the rocks. Hard. But other parts of the country still have a lot of leaves on the trees, which leaves time for the Rusty Nail, or the MB version: Rusty Gets Nailed.
We're falling behind on mixing instructions for our Cocktail Color Changing Guide, but better late than never we say, especially when it involves getting hammered in style. Up now: the Negroni, both in Poor Bastard and Magnificent Bastard versions.
Poor Bastard - Negroni
2 parts everyday gin (Seagram's Extra Dry)
1 part Campari
1 part sweet vermouth
Throw all these into a low ball glass with a bunch of ice, stir it up and toss on a slice or wedge of an orange.
MB - Negroni
5 parts Plymouth gin
2 parts Campari
1 part Pimm's No. 1 Cup
1 part sweet vermouth
1 part dry vermouth
2 dashes of orange bitters
Quick shake or stir and pour into chilled Martini glass. Garnish with an orange twist.
Up here in northern Wisconsin we're already about at peak color (Negroni), so the Bronx recipe is a tad late, according to the official MB Cocktail Color Changing Guide. But for the majority of the country it's arriving in the nick on time.
For each cocktail in the series we're mixing two versions: one for the Poor Bastard and the other for the Magnificent Bastard.
Mix the Poor Bastard version and risk hanging out in the corner talking to some middle manager telling you about his cholesterol level.
Mix the Magnificent Bastard version and you're charming the pants off some babe with a great pair of collarbones.
Poor Bastard - Bronx
2 part gin (Seagram's Extra Dry)
1 part sweet vermouth
1 part dry vermouth
1 part orange juice
Give this all a good shake and then serve in a low-stemmed martini glass, preferably not plastic, you rube.
MB - Bronx (aka "Riverdale")
2 parts gin (Plymouth or Boodles)
1 part Cointreau
1 part sweet vermouth
1 part dry vermouth
1 dash orange bitters*
This should be lightly shaken, or aggressively stirred for those sporting a stick, and then served up. No garnish is needed, especially if you’re prone to spilling while staring a good pair of collarbones.
*MBartender reviews of orange bitters is in the works
Here at our Pulaski, WI offices the colors of the leaves are changing. Rather than focus on the leaves, let's focus on what's really important: the drinks you ought to have in hand at various stages as we head towards winter solstice.
A more complete Magnificent Bartender segment is coming next week, just in time for peak color.
(Pictured: The Sheboygan. And a superb pair of breasts. Recipe to follow. For each.)
We're thinking of having a bonfire fueled by our A.P.C. jeans collection after reading head designer Jean
Touitou's comments (and seeing his pretentious pose) in a recent issue of Details.
His way misguided thinking on drinking:
"After you're 35, it's difficult to drink unless you're running 10 miles a day. I'm not talking one dry martini every Saturday or something. I'm talking three dry martinis a night. And I don't think that's possible -- it's too much poisoning. It's not a very sexy way to talk about drinking, but that's the truth."
Fucking AmateursWe're not big on New Year's Eve parties. In our view, they're for fucking amateurs. MBs are professional partiers; perhaps even in the direction of having a small problem. (Manageable!) But we digress.
If you're obligated to attend a party, or perhaps it's a birthday party/holiday party combo, here's our champagne guide. The key here: stay above the line for MB-ness.
ABOVE THE LINE:
Cristalino Brut Cava NV $7.99
Cavas, for the most part, keep on the good side of the line. Solid value keeps this one constantly available in the wine chiller (Viking or GE Monogram, not U-Line or Haier). If it gets any more popular, though, it may jump the line to join the likes of Freixenet.
Avinyo Brut Cava NV $14.99
Great taste, though at $15 she better be worth it for weekday swigging. Fortunately, it’s still obscure enough to keep it Bastard-worthy.
Zardetto Prosecco $11.99
Though the MB can admit that some mid-priced Italian Proseccos are good, it will take decades before he doesn't think they are all just overpriced Martini Rossi Asti Spumanti.
Korbel Extra Dry $10.99
We'll admit that Korbel can crank out palatable cheap stuff, but it has all the Bastard-worthiness of, well, Cook's.
Cook's Brut $5.99
This sparkling wine from Cook's is well placed in the lower left of the graph, facing the corner.
Q: I am getting to the age (35) where I am feeling like I am tweener. Not quite old enough to pull off sophisticated but not young enough to pull of Superbad. So here is my question, while out on the town I would like to know what kind of drink the MB orders. Beer seems so "run to the bathroom every 5 minutes" and anything with fruit seems way too girlish. What is the quintessential MB drink for the evening? —PJ
A: Beer is never really a horrible choice, but is a little college-boy, like you should have your baseball cap on backwards and wearing a Dave Matthews Band concert tee. For God's sake man, no.
Excellent instincts on the fruit. Definitely for the girls, though acceptable for an MB in an ironic gesture, like in a Brandy Old Fashioned.
Now that we're knee-deep into brown liquor season, we're heavily consuming Rob Roys. Not the traditional version with the sweet vermouth and cherry (remember the fruit rule), but the dry version served on rocks and garnished with a few sour cocktail onions. If the barkeep knows how to make one, try on a couple of these and even if you may not actually be fully MB, you will certainly look, and most importantly feel like one.
Soak the sugar cube with the bitters and place in the bottom of a highball glass. Mash with the back of a spoon (or muddler, which we hope has not been used to make a Mojito), add the rye whiskey and fill the glass with ice. Stir for about 30 seconds and then strain into another lowball glass that has been rinsed with Absinthe and filled about halfway with ice. Garnish with a lemon twist.
