We haven't paid close attention to the Donald Trump rape trial, but yesterday it became unavoidable as live blogging made its way to the NYT home page.

Closing arguments were notable because Trump's attorney, Joe Tacopina, went on for two hours. Also notable: Trump's attorney, Joe Tacopina, is one of the last men on the planet who should wear a cutaway collar, just ahead of Meatwad.

Earlier: Spread collars make your face look fatter

As George Santos/Anthony Devolder enters minute 12 of his 15, we thought we'd better hurry up with our take on this guy's look and what you can learn from it.

Several style columnists have focused on his crewneck sweaters, pointing out that they're part of a preppy affectation, with all the wealth and privilege that implies.

But Lisa Burnbach — who literally wrote the book on preppy style: The Official Preppy Handbook — calls bullshit on that, saying she hasn't seen a real preppy wear a crewneck under a jacket and over a tie for several decades, and that Anthony Zabrovsky/Kitara Ravache looks like an extra from Family Ties.

What's going on here is less another deception — that he has any preppy pedigree whatsoever — and more about what he's concealing: a big fat gut.

This is the same rationale, we think, behind his mock zips and fleece vests.

We give him credit. It's the same tactic we use to camouflage our manboobs, back fat, and love handles. And you can, too.

Take a look at Peter Griffin. Don't you agree he looks slightly less obese in a sweater underneath his jacket? If the camera adds 10 pounds, we say a midnight blue crewneck takes off 20.

Q: Dear Mandeer,

This silk tie is tied with a four in hand, the only tie knot I know. Any advice on other knots that would work within MB principles with this (or another straight) collar?

It just doesn't grip together like other ties that have a bit more texture. It's a printed silk from Brooks Brothers (pic attached).

Heaven help us if we resort to a Windsor.

—David

A: David, have you considered Scotch tape?

There is certainly nothing wrong with a little slippage at the knot; in fact it's preferred. Take a close look at the mandeer and you'll see a looseness similar to yours. It's artful dishevelment, a core MB principle. Contrast this with, say, Donald Trump's too-straight tourniquet. As the de facto leader of Toolbag Nation, whatever he does, do the opposite.

Just ... gross. And then there's the tie.

The bigger issue with shiny silk ties – besides violating the MB matte vs. gloss principle – is that they give off strong old white man vibes, and none of the good ones. There's Trump, of course, but also take a look at the My Pillow Guy, Senate leadership, or a local Rotary Club meeting. (Now imagine the smell of the excessively-applied cologne. P U!)

Stick with your point collars and four-in-hand knots, David. Donate the printed silks to Goodwill and get into textured neckwear. We have a bunch of options, and it's all we've ever made.

Tony Bertucci.

(This contest was easily the most difficult of the nine we've run. Thanks to the entrants who reminded us of who they all are. We could not have done it without you.)

Tony successfully identified the bespectacled or sunglassified MBs in the 9th Kind-of-Annual Allyn Scura Eyewear Contest:

1. Arthur Miller
2. Orson Welles
3. Aaron Copland
4. Dalton Trumbo
5. Burl Ives
6. Burgess Meredith
7. Paul Robeson
8. Langston Hughes
9. Leonard Bernstein

Tony also nailed the tiebreaker question. "What do they all have in common?" Answer: they were all on the Hollywood blacklist.

Tony won the contest because he had the good fortune to have his entry randomly selected, as were the two runner ups, who will receive a Magnificent Bastard tie of his choice (2nd place) and a Secret Agent Belt (3rd place). Or they can also choose our very populuar Minimum Viable Wallet.

Tony, enjoy your new pair of Allyn Scura frames. We always recommend the legendary Legend, or the ASE Angelo, our all-time favorite sunglasses (and we own several dozen). Alternatively, you can put your $125 credit towards a pair of Allyn Scura's vintage frames, like these Bollé glacier mountaineering frames we recommend using for skiing, too. It's your choice.

Thanks to everyone who played and if the world doesn't end between now and next February, maybe we'll see you again for the 10th Kind-of-Annual ASEC.

Like most people who don't live in Oregon — and probably most who do — we don't pay a lot of attention to Oregon politics. But Brian Boquist, the Republican state senator who recently persuaded 11 of his GOP colleagues to desert their home state and go underground in Idaho to avoid voting on a climate change bill, has caught our eye.

Boquist's behavior is simply unconscionable — and of course we're talking about his alarming allegiance to mock turtlenecks.

He wears them on the Senate floor, for LinkedIn Glamour Shots, in court, and when threatening to shoot Oregon state troopers. You can bet the farm he's mocking in his Idaho safe house, too. We're not even sure Tiger Woods is so passionate about rocking a mock.

Obviously, Mr. Boquist is a bad legislator and a bad human being. But what does it say about our own humanity if we don't intervene in such an extreme case? Must one see eye-to-eye on everything — or anything — to be the beneficiary of sound menswear advice? Maybe if Mr. Boquist didn't look like such a toolbag all the time he wouldn't act like such a toolbag all the time. If there's anything we still believe in strongly after all these years, it's that clothes make the man.

And let's face it. When co2 levels cross the 450 ppm threshold, even Mr. Woods is going to have to ditch his mock on those really hot January nights.

Thus, in an act of mercy and bi-partTIEsanship, we are reaching out to Mr. Boquist and offering him a lifetime supply of ties. All he has to do is supply the shirts, vote when he's supposed to vote, and not threaten any state troopers.

After splurging on shoes we had $406 left for accessories, the other place we recommend making a disproportionately large wardrobe investment.

We bought our client a 300-Year Sterling Silver Buckle Belt: Water Buffalo "Classic" Edition (#1), and its subsequent companion, the 300-Year Sterling Silver Buckle Belt: Water Buffalo "High Plains Noir" Edition (#2), along with the Ragu di Carni MB tie (#3).

Now, these purchases might be seen as shameless Trumpian self-dealing, but this belt so special it was our client who insisted on getting one of each. We set out to build a daily-wearer that could dress up or down, with a luxe touch in the form of a sterling silver buckle. They also exude a rugged character, are incredibly durable, and are yet surprisingly soft to the touch ... sometimes when we start rhapsodizing about these belts, we're not sure if we're talking about them or Clint Eastwood's face.

The tie is no slouch, either. In fact, as the name suggests, it's one thick, rich, meaty tie. Honestly, the wool here is practically blanket-weight. If you are dating a supermodel she might be tempted to use the Ragu di Carne as a throw when she cozies up on your couch, so be careful where you leave it lying around. The Ragu di Carne's fabric comes from a mill in Biella, Italy, and is transformed into the tie you see here by our favorite multi-generational tie-making concern in Queens.

See how they integrate with the uniform on the updated Dresserizer.

So that does it. Version 1.0 of MB Build is complete, and our client has $146 leftover from the original $2,000 to rollover to a comparable S/S look, if he'll have us back.

Final tally with asset allocation chart:

Shirts: $240
Sweaters: $194
Pants: $204
Blazer: $273
Shoes: $683
Accessories: $260
TOTAL: $1,854

One of our readers recently started a new white-collar gig in downtown Minneapolis, and based on an Ask the MB post from last year, asked us to get him dressed in a similar way. For the right price, we agreed.

STYLE ARCHETYPE: Our client's target archetype was "English landed gentry," and while Anglophilia is an MB principle, it immediately conjured thoughts of Roger Stone at Trump's inauguration. After some back-and-forth we landed on "urban landed gentry," which forgoes top hats and double-breasted suits in favor of plaids, tweets, velvets, and corduroys. It also allows for sneakerization of his footwear.

BUDGET: We settled on $2000 as a ballpark to purchase 4 woven shirts, 3 sweaters, 2 blazers, 3 pants, 2 shoes, one suit, and a few accessories for a fall/winter collection. It's a somewhat arbitrary number but constraints are useful to drive creativity and craftyness. Bonus: F/W 2018 is on sale we should get tremendous bang for the buck.

TIMING: We are preternaturally lazy — and also perpetually lit — so our client is currently going to work naked. But we plan on having him wearing his new F/W clothes just in time for S/S.

WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?: It's one thing to sit here and publish suggestions to a newly-minted museum director. It's quite another to actually order the items, try things on, see what fits and works in the overall look, and what doesn't. We plan on posting tasting notes on the keepers and the ones that got thrown back (and why) for our readers' benefit. Finally, and most importantly, we are getting paid.

FIRST UP: Woven shirts. We'll hopefully have a report on our successes — and failures — next week.

Jason Andes.

Jason successfully identified the bespectacled or sunglassified MBs in the 8th Annual Allyn Scura Eyewear Contest:

1. Stokely Carmichael
2. Bob Marley
3. Bruce Willis
4. Cary Grant
5. Joseph Pulitzer
6. I.M. Pei
7. John Lennon
8. Willem de Kooning
9. Claude Rains (as The Invisible Man)

Jason also nailed the tiebreaker question. "What do they all have in common?" Answer: they all are immigrants.

Stokely Carmichael: Trinidad and Tobago
Bob Marley: Jamaica
Bruce Willis: Germany
Cary Grant: United Kingdom
Joseph Pulitzer: Hungary
I.M. Pei: China
John Lennon: United Kingdom
Willem de Kooning: Netherlands
Claude Rains: United Kingdom

Jason won the contest because he had the good fortune to have his entry randomly selected, as were the two runner ups, who will receive a Magnificent Bastard tie of his choice (2nd place) and a Secret Agent Belt (3rd place).

Jason, enjoy your new pair of Allyn Scura frames. We always recommend the legendary Legend, or the ASE Angelo, our all-time favorite sunglasses (and we own several dozen). Alternatively, you can put your $125 credit towards a pair of Allyn Scura's vintage or reproduction frames, like these ridiculously oversized and equally fun Kala Chateaus, modeled by Elliott Gould in Ocean's 11. It's your choice.

Thanks to everyone who played and we'll see you again next year for the 9th Annual ASEC.

Q: I just found your site and I am pretty thrilled someone is finally calling out the rules. I am a big guy so I tend to pay attention as much as I can to look good. I have just accepted a new position as a director at a cool museum. One of the largest and most prominent. My co-workers dress well and I need a primer for what to buy as far as basics. I want to dash the old frumpy look of a security director and add the young flavor and style to compliment my new administration.
—Phill

A: Congratulations on your new gig! Follow our advice, and you'll be on the path to a wardrobe that may even have your colleagues in Acquisitions & Accessioning looking to preserve for the edification and delight for future generations.

Since you said nothing about a budget for this endeavor, we suspect that's not a major concern or constraint for you. But since you're starting from scratch, and don't have a firmly established idea of what you'll like best or what works for you, we're going to steer you toward options that represent good values.

Our point: When you're starting out, you want the freedom to experiment, without worrying about potential sunk costs and buyer's remorse. Or to put it another way, when you start golfing, you shouldn't buy Pro V1s until you've reached the point where you are no longer sending multiple drives into the woods and water every round. Develop your swing, then step up to $6 golf balls.

Okay, that's enough context. Without further ado, here's the MB Sartorial System — Young Museum Director Version (Fall/Winter). See below for assembly instructions.

SUIT [1]
charcoal grey
When you and the mayor cut the ribbon for that new Impressionist wing, you're going to want to wear a suit. As you may have read, we're big fans of two-button charcoal grey ones. And you're in luck because Century 21 (our new favorite site, right up there with YOOX) has this Ralph Lauren version, likely in your size and with functional buttonholes, for just $220. (15 bucks off with code JOINUS31 for purchases over $150.)

BLAZERS [3]
1 velvet, 1 corduroy, 1 plaid
We've found this to be a winning combination of F/W textures to accompany the shirts and pants you'll see in a minute. Our go-to YOOX brand for value, 8, wants just $109 for their camel velvet version. (Choose one size up.) For the others, just make sure they meet our blazer requirements.

SWEATERS [2]
1 v-neck, 1 cardigan (both merino)
For under one of those blazers or alone on Casual Friday, you're going to need a couple of sweaters. A brand we recently discovered — and love — that provides perhaps even stronger value that 8 is +U Plusultra. Yes, its name sounds like a condom brand created by a marketing AI optimized for redundancy. But their cardigans (again, likely in your size) are now just $46.

SHIRTS [4]
1 white, 1 blue, 1 gingham, 1 plaid (all point collar)
Getting this right is key for a fully functional system. The white and blue shirts cannot have button-down collars, because you may use them with a tie (the gingham and plaid are fine with buttons). These days point collars are an endangered species, but hang in there and don't settle for a spread or cutaway that both fattens your face and will be at resale shops shortly. Century 21 has this Steven Alan plaid for a ridiculous $25 as a starting point.

PANTS [3]
2 brushed/moleskin, 1 corduroy (all 5-pocket)
It doesn't take a very stable genius to recognize that regular trousers on a big guy can send you into Trump territory fast. But that's not the only reason to go the 5-pocket route. 5-pocket pants are also more comfortable and modern, and can easily be dressed up for your new role. While Bonobos' version is more expensive than most of what we're recommending here, its straightforward style and overall utility make it a very safe investment.

BELTS [1]
We're normally not ones to toot our own horn, but we have created a belt that is not only a work of art, but will work with every system combination herein, including the suit. It's the 300-Year Belt (either in Classic or High Plains Noir), with a sterling silver buckle handmade by Arizona-based artist Mary Daugherty. (Free Secret Agent Belt with purchase.)

TIES [2]
OK, so maybe we are ones to toot our own horn. Both The Cosina Veloce and The Kakutani bring unique textures and a rakishness to the system on dress-up days. (Wear with both the white and blue shirts.)

SHOES [2]
1 shiny, 1 matte (both sneakerized)
Perhaps the easiest way to dump frumpy security director is via footwear. We've rhapsodized often about shoe sneakerization, and for both pair recommend splurging on something in the Common Projects vein, like these Common Projects dark brown will work with everything but the suit.

So, not counting the suit separates or the ties, this system provides 60 different permutations of pants, shirts, and blazers/sweaters. Throw out the handful that don't jibe (like the corduroy pants and corduroy blazer) and you still have enough variety to keep you going until spring, when we can do this all over again. Thanks for the question. It was fun.

Good luck on the new job!

What else could possibly explain Trump tying his tie at the proper length?

As Trump himself has previously instructed on tie length: "At most, a tie should kiss the top of your pants — and it should only kiss the top of your pants in the way you kiss your best friend's wife — with absolute restraint."

[Video here]

Ever tried a jury trial? No.

Civil? No.

Criminal? No.

Bench? No.

Ever taken a deposition? No.

Ever argued a motion in state court? No.

Ever argued a motion in federal court? No.

Ever learned to NEVER wear a crewneck tee under a dress shirt and tie? No.

Lee Lerner.

Lee was part of the 92% of entrants — too easy this time! — who identified the bespectacled or sunglassified MBs in the 7th Annual Allyn Scura Eyewear Contest.

1. David Mamet
2. Wilt Chamberlain
3. Dennis Hopper
4. John Wayne
5. Elvis Presley
6. Frank Sinatra
7. Jack Nicklaus
8. James Caan
9. Sammy Davis, Jr.

Lee was also part of a much smaller cohort — 12 — who nailed the tiebreaker question. "What do they all have in common?" Answer: they all are (or were) members of the Republican party.

Lee also lucked out as his entry was randomly selected from the 12, as were the two runner ups, who will receive a Magnificent Bastard tie of his/her choice (2nd place) and a Secret Agent Belt (3rd place).

Lee, enjoy your new pair of Allyn Scura frames. We always recommend the famed Legend, or for a less traditional look, the Sergio. Both are terrific and draw positive feedback as either eyewear or sunglasses. Alternatively, you can put your $125 credit towards a pair of Allyn Scura's vintage or reproduction frames, like these ridiculously oversized and equally fun Kala Chateaus, modeled by Elliott Gould in Ocean's 11. It's your choice.

We combined our latest sale — two Made in USA ties for $60; use code BUYAMERICAN at checkout — with our latest contest: Identify the 13 people/rodent labeled in the banner ad and win free stuff.

First, the correct answers:

1. Leonard Nimoy as Mr. Spock in the original Star Trek
2. Kim Kardashian
3. Will Ferrell as Buddy in Elf
4. Queen Elizabeth II
5. Clint Eastwood as Walt Kowalski in Gran Torino
6. Janet Leigh as Marion Crane in Psycho
7. Jeff Bridges as The Dude in The Big Lebowski
8. Richard Simmons
9. Dramatic Chipmunk
10. George W. Bush
11. Katy Perry
12. Will Smith as Will Smith on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
13. Hillary Clinton

We needed to make this more difficult as most entries scored a 100%. Just about all of the failed entries were the result of identifying the Dramatic Chipmunk as a squirrel.

Anyhow, we ran the perfect scores through random.org and the winners are:

1st Place: Gregory Miller — A MB University tie
2nd Place: Conor Deegan — A Minimum Viable Wallet
3rd Place: Patrick Franz — A Baker's Dozen Letterpress Beverage Shields

Thanks to everyone for playing. In April we'll run the 7th-Annual Allyn Scura Eyewear Contest where you can win a great pair of sunglasses or eyeglasses, and MB will be sure to throw in some goodies, too. Stay tuned.

Q: I love your site and have been a reader for a while, but I don't think you have explicitly commented on this:

I know you like jacket lapel widths to be 3 1/8" or greater, but what is too wide (for 2017)? I recently purchased a great Lab. Pal Zileri jacket from YOOX and the lapels are pushing 3.5" inches. I wear a size 40 jacket, so the lapels end about half way between my collar and my shoulder.
—Ben

A: As you suggest, our ideal lapel width is 3⅛ inches. If a jacket has lapels that are thinner than that, we're unforgiving: It must be released back to the wild. But if lapels come in a little wider than our ideal, we're more accommodating. The reason? Tom Ford expressed the principle that guides our thinking:

"There is something a bit meager and uptight about a skinny tie and jacket...I think that accentuating the natural V of a man's body makes men look more masculine, less boyish, and in general more powerful."

So exactly how much wider should you consider going?

That depends on how long you'd like to keep wearing the jacket in question. For us, 3⅛" is the golden mean that looks great in perpetuity. As our chart below shows, any deviation from that value, however small, decreases a garment's potential lifespan and puts its wearer at increased risk of future embarrassment and even shame.

At 3.5 inches, your jacket will continue to look good at least through 2025, and should not look violently out of fashion for far longer — provided, of course, Trump aide Stephen Miller does not stage a coup.

EARLIER: The great tie and lapel width debate: Band of Outsiders' Scott Sternberg vs. Tom Ford

Q: I'm a big fan of the site and your store. Keep up the good work.

I would like to hear your thoughts on Trump's cartoonishly-long ties, especially at the inauguration. This is somewhat common for him although he's not consistent, as he will often wear them at an appropriate length. Given his obsession with his image, what messages is he trying to convey with the stupidly long ties? You wrote about this back in 2011 and it'd be great to have an updated analysis. Thanks.
—Andrew

A: Back in 2011 we chalked Trump's excessive tie length up to an attempt to look boyish, like a kid trying on his father's suit.

Now that he's 70, and his face looks like an older, oranger slab of ancient Moab slickrock, we're pivoting from that analysis towards an explanation that's far simpler: obesity.

As Donald Trump loses the battle with his own personal borders and grows squarer and squarer, his long red tie must bear the increasingly heavy burden of creating an illusion of verticality. Note how a tie tied to MB-recommended lengths makes him look even wider.

While Trump's "tiet" is a visually sound tactic, it's risky from an engineering perspective: Trump's ties are now so long they're architecturally precarious.

To increase the load-bearing capacity of his neckwear, Trump uses Scotch tape as a kind of sartorial rebar. But how long before such stopgap measures end in catastrophe? President Trump, your ridiculously long ties need stronger reinforcement. It's time to put some of your beloved steelworkers back to work!

2017 is off to a roaring start, and let's face it, no one's exactly sure if we'll make it to 2018. Or even March. So we're speeding up the pace here. Instead of having a sale now, and then somewhere down the line, when we get bored again, a contest, we're having a sale and a contest!

SALE

The terms of the sale are explained in the banner ad at the top of our site: 2 Made in the USA ties for $60. 4 for $120. Use code BUYAMERICAN at checkout.

Shop Ties Now!

CONTEST

The contest is simple too: Accurately identify the 13 people (and rodent) labeled in the banner ad and you're entered to win free stuff via a random drawing:

1st place: An MB University Tie
2nd place: A Minimum Viable Wallet (MVW) of your choice
3rd place: A baker's dozen Letterpress Beverage Shields

Here's the link to the contest entry. [THIS CONTEST IS OVER BUT STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT ONE.]

As a sort of prayer to the universe, we're accepting entries until March 7th, because we're hoping the USA survives at least through the Super Bowl and the first episode of Season 5 of The Americans. Good luck to us all!

Q: I need guidance on dressing for a Christmas party. Unfortunately, dress code is unknown (and my girlfriend doesn't think this is a big deal) but this is my first time meeting any of her friends from outside of our mutual friends. All I know is that it's at the friends apartment in Manhattan and that he works for Facebook (so a broad gamut of possibilities exist...).

I was thinking of just layering a white button down with a cashmere v neck sweater and a blazer with some dark jeans, but I wanted backup. My most casual blazer is a black corduroy one that fits well, but no idea if that's MB approved. I would probably just go with a dark grey cotton blazer that I have instead. I want to be a little dressy, but without going overboard and I figure with the blazer I can ditch it right away if I'm overdressed.

Ended up rambling a bit, but any advice would be greatly appreciated!
—Jeremy

A: Hey Jeremy if the black corduroy blazer fits well, ends at the nutbag, and has lapels at least 3 ⅛" at their widest point, then let's certainly go with that. Leverage the sunk cost.

Our gut instinct is to pair it with a pair of camel moleskin 5-pocket pants. These were once plentiful on the web but have inexplicably moved into endangered species territory. Did PETA think they were actually made from moles?

Anyhow, Bonobos has implemented a robust moleskin protection plan and still offers their Moleskin Jean in chestnut (in a ridiculous number of fit and size combinations), and this pair of pants will offer both leg-covering and ball-warming utility long after the party is over.

For footwear, we're still strongly in sneakerization mode, and in this case would likely opt for actual sneakers, like these minimalist Certain Victorys (formerly Hydrogen-1).

Finally, you mentioned nothing about accessorization and we feel like this outfit needs it. May we suggest disrupting the dressier choice of a tie around your neck, and try tying a tie around your waist instead with our own version, the Joseph Kandell. (Check out Joe's LinkedIn profile for details on his transition from Barney's skinny tie to middle-management support of vertical apparel installations such as moleskin jeans).

Above all, have fun, but don't get so shitfaced that your ridiculous Bulleit-fueled dance moves end up on a Facebook video. Not that we would know anything about that.

Yes Barack Obama still wears that ridiculous wife-beater beneath a dress shirt. And a flag pin. And yes his ties have recently grown so comically long we fear a Trump tie label may be on the verge of grabbing the President's nutsack. But we're encouraged — and also intrigued — by Obama's regular removal of his wedding ring.

Lately whenever he's about to meet crowds or on the stump, he pockets it.

Speculation has been running high about why Obama does, and the leading theory — that he does it to protect the ring from would-be thieves — makes no sense at all. First, he shakes hands with his right hand, not his left. Second, there's a reason you've heard of "pickpockets" but not "pickfingers" — it's much easier to lift a ring from the former rather than the latter.

But the notion that Obama has big plans for his First 100 Days out of office doesn't wash either. Even armed with those Trumpian ties and some Tic Tacs^®, we just don't see him stepping out on Michelle any time soon. Which, as faithful readers have already no doubt deduced, leaves only one plausible explanation: The lame duck leader of the free world is finally adopting at least one Magnificent Bastard principle.

Q: Bought a new David Naman blue velvet blazer on YOOX. The lapels are a little too thin. What's an MB to do? I have 19 days to return it.
— Aaron

A: We could answer this very quickly, but this is important, so indulge us for a bit.

David Naman makes some of the highest style/price-ratio clothes in the world. But your assessment — "a little too thin" — is right on the nose. They are what we call "Keira Knightly thin." Which is to say, not alarmingly emaciated supermodel thin, but still a little narrow for our taste. We are longtime advocates of ties that are at least 3" wide, and lapels that echo them. For us, any blazer with a lapel narrower than 3" is catch-and-release.

More importantly, if you ever have a second thought about a sartorial purchase, follow a key MB principle and always return it, no matter what the price or savings. Keeping an item you're not thrilled with leads to regret, and regret — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but always inevitably — leads to a search for a red clothing dumpster that is not so overflowing with Dockers and Crocs that it can accommodate your cast-offs too. We cannot stress this enough: You can ultimately learn to adapt to the quirks, anomalies, and even deficiencies in other human beings, but your clothes and your shoes must be perfect. No compromises. When you compromise, you're stealing from yourself.

So are you going to return that blazer? Of course you are.

Q: I need an exceptional black tie for a funeral this Saturday; it will be paired with a black Hardy Amies suit, white shirt, black shoes. Can you help? Sounds simple but a classy black tie is not that easy to find. Sorry such short notice.
—Cristian

A: We understand your dilemma. A black tie sounds simple, but you want to look like Bobby Kennedy — or even Ted — not the lead singer for The Knack or a Halloween mobster. Especially at a funeral. What that means is nothing too shiny, nothing too skinny, nothing too wide.

Our first choice is this Lanvin — which weighs in at the exactly proper MB tie width of 3⅛ — but there's only one left. So either act fast or be prepared to settle for this Brooks Brothers number — which will do in a pinch but does not quite possess the strikingly generic elan of the Lanvin. So we say act fast.

1. Shorts Should Always End Above the Knee

2. Tie Should Always be Artfully Disheveled

3. Don't Just Play to Win, Play to Play

4. Suffer Fools Amiably

The swallows have returned to Capistrano. The Twins are already thinking about next year. And we've made a new batch of ties. Ah, spring! This time around, we've got five new additions to the MB catalog, all made from fabrics produced by a mill in Biella, Italy, then meticulously cut and hand-stitched into the ties you see here in a factory in Queens.

Normally, our ties retail for $60. But these are not normal times. Come January, there's a not-insignificant chance that Donald Trump and his Toolbag Militia, which now includes everyone from Bobby Night to Gavin McInnes, will occupy the White House. We admit how wrong we were on this one. Five years ago we thought there was no chance in hell that Trump could credibly contend for the highest office in the land.

But while Trump claims his goal is to make America great again, his track record suggests otherwise, at least when it comes to neckwear. For years, Trump has made shiny corporate ball-ticklers in Chinese factories and fed them to hapless toolbags at approximately $60 a piece.

His alleged rationale: He can't find American manufacturers who can deliver this product at competitive prices.

Last summer, we explained the shortcomings of that argument. To make Magnificent Bastard ties, we use a manufacturer based in Queens, New York — aka the town where Trump grew up.

We don't know if we just got lucky, or if we have great instincts, but it wasn't that hard to find this company. The price they charge allows us to sell our ties at the same prices Donald Trump sells his. And we use fabrics produced in Italy, not China.

Now, granted, Trump sold his ties through retail channels, and we sell ours directly to you. But so could he. If he really wanted to support American businesses and offer good value to American consumers — to make America great again — he could do it. But he hasn't, even though it's incredibly easy to do.

Why not? The only rational conclusion is that Donald Trump loves ugly 100 percent Chinese ties. Just look at his neck, right now, wherever he is — that's all the proof you need.

Will any of this change if Trump becomes president? Unlikely. In fact, as recently as two months ago, he was still emphatically pledging his allegiance to ugly Chinese ties.

Our prediction? If Trump is elected president, he will push for a new era of tie control, with regulation that protects his own long-standing business interests by favoring cheap Chinese imports over American-made ties like our own.

Now, in other words, is the time to buy stylish, American-made neckwear. Because when 2017 rolls around, the Toolbag Militia will probably be breaking down doors and confiscating any tie that is not shiny enough to serve as a ribbon on a four-year-old girl's birthday present.

We're not waiting until then to start a resistance movement. We believe it is our duty as Americans to resurrect our Anyone But Trump sale from last summer. What we said then, we say now: Just to prove that good old American know-how and entrepreneurism can still compete with Chinese tie sweatshops equipped with color-blind slave robots, we are offering the following deal, now through July 15 (or until supplies run out): Two Made in USA ties for $60. 4 for $120. 8 for $240. Shipping included. This includes all of our Spring 2016 ties, and every other tie we currently have in inventory. Just be sure to use the code ANYONEBUTTRUMP when ordering. Show your patriotism, and buy now!

Karl Foote.

Karl was part of the 81% of entrants who identified the bespectacled or sunglassified MBs in the 6th Annual Allyn Scura Eyewear Contest. Clockwise from upper left: George Clooney, John Cusack, John Travolta, Robert De Niro, Sean Penn, Woody Harrelson, James Coburn, Louis Gossett Jr., James Earl Jones.

Karl was also part of a much smaller cohort — 11 — who nailed the tiebreaker question (which was biased towards fans of a Terrence Malick masterpiece). "What do they all have in common?" Answer: they all starred in a movie with our spiritual advisor, Nick Nolte.

George Clooney — The Thin Red Line
John Cusack — The Thin Red Line
John Travolta — The Thin Red Line
Robert De Niro — Cape Fear
Sean Penn — The Thin Red Line
Woody Harrelson — The Thin Red Line
James Coburn — Affliction
Louis Gossett Jr. — The Deep
James Earl Jones — Three Fugitives

Finally, Karl lucked out as his entry was randomly selected from the 11, as were the two runner ups. The unfateful eight will receive complimentary letterpress beverage shields for their participation and acumen. (Keep an eye on your inbox for details.)

Karl, enjoy your new pair of Allyn Scura frames. We always recommend the famed Legend, or for a less traditional look, the Sergio. Both are terrific and draw positive feedback as either eyewear or sunglasses. Alternatively, you can put your $125 credit towards a pair of Allyn Scura's vintage frames, like these Carrera 5425 sunglasses, modeled by De Niro in Casino. It's your choice.

We admit it. As much as we love Christmas, we sometimes think of it as the guest that won't leave. 12 days? You're staying 12 days — really?

Yesterday we declared War On Nine Days of Christmas. We'll take the ladies dancing, the maids a milking, and let's see, the calling birds. (We'll leave the gold rings to Justin Trudeau.) Everything else, we're not interested. From here on, we're celebrating the 3 Days of Christmas and that's it.

For readers of this site, we're paradoxically spreading our scroogery with three days of special deals:

December 15: On the 1st Day of MB Christmas, we're offering a Secret Agent Belt for 50 percent off, only $15.03, shipping included. Use the code SECRETSANTA. (This offer has been extended until 11:59PM CT December 16.)

December 16: For the 2nd Day of MB Christmas, it's our cashmere belts' turn. Cozy? There is nothing cozier than 100 percent cashmere. Forgiving? Go ahead and have that seventh piece of pumpkin pie — our Adam Smith cashmere belt has micro-adjustable prong placement. For these reasons, it's our go-to belt for the holiday season. Today only, you can get one, while supplies last, for only $50, shipping included. (Regular price, $90.) Use the code SOFTERTHANSANTASBEARD.

December 17: Unicorn Art! Specifically, prints of the original oil painting we commissioned from acclaimed wildlife artist Darrell Bush to commemorate our dramatic encounter with the universe's most fantastic creatures. Today only, you can get one for only $35, shipping included. (Regular price, $65.) Signed by the artist and printed on archival paper, this 17" x 12.5" print is suitable for display in taverns, lodges, banquet halls, and select private residences. Use the code RUNRUNRUDOLPH.

Finally, don't forget to take advantage of our ongoing "Reason for the Season" sale as well. Two Made in USA ties for $60, shipping included. Use the code JESUSTHATSADEAL.

Here at MB, we may be heathens who have never fully embraced the notion that Jesus is magic. But that doesn't we mean don't love Christmas or understand the reason for the season. Christmas exists to celebrate the birth of Jesus, and more generally, the Godly virtues he embodied — including gratitude, compassion, forgiveness, and humility. There are more, of course. But these are the values that resonate for us when we've been hitting the egg nog extra hard, and the ones we celebrate when we celebrate Christmas through deep discounts on non-denominational menswear. Which is to say, yes, we're having a Christmas sale.

Now through December 31, you can get any two ties in our shop for $60, shipping including. Or four ties for $120. Or eight ties for $240. You get the idea.

Use the code JESUSTHATSADEAL.

All orders $120 and up will get a special Christmas bonus gift, if we sense that you've been nice this year.

SHOP THE TIES!

(And they are already on sale! Read below for details.)

The five ties in our Fall 2015 collection all share a common pedigree. They start off as wool and wool blend fabrics milled in the Old Country, where the locals have been manufacturing textiles since the Middle Ages. Then, they emigrate to the mean streets of New York, where they are meticulously cut and stitched into the ties you see here in a factory in Queens.

Obviously, each tie in the Fall 2015 Wise Ties Collection stands alone, but we like to think of them all working together, as a crew, collectively adding a range of textures, hues, and attitudes to your wardrobe. To facilitate bulk buying, we're offering a deal you can't refuse. Buy one, and it's $60. Buy three, and it's $120. Use the code WISETIES. (This offer only applies to the five ties in the Fall 2015 Wise Ties Collection.)

Besides the Bocca Al Lupo shown, here are the other four that make up the Wise Ties Collection:

The Ragu Di Carne

The Cosina Veloce

The Big Earner

The Tie Behind The Tie Behind The Tie

TIME-SAVING BUT LESS ENTERTAINING VERSION: 2 Made in USA ties for $60. 4 for $120. 8 for $240. Shipping included. Use code ANYONEBUTTRUMP at checkout.

We didn't think it was possible for us to think any less of Donald Trump than we already do. Then, he started talking about the economic realities of global menswear manufacturing.

Trump, of course, is a kind of toolbag da Vinci. He makes garish hotels, fussy golf courses, unwatchable TV shows, and generically glitzy menswear. Now that he's stumping for president on a platform of closed borders and trade protectionism, media watchdogs are starting to call him out for his seemingly hypocritical embrace of ill-tailored immigration — most of the clothes that bear his name are made overseas.

A couple weeks ago, investigative tie-wearer Jake Tapper donned a Trump tie for an interview with the candidate. Like most of the shiny corporate ball-ticklers in the Trump line, this tie was made in China.

When Tapper asked him about whether it was hypocritical to complain about losing jobs to China and Mexico while outsourcing the production of his clothing line to such countries, Trump responded that it is "impossible for our companies" to compete with Chinese ones because of how its government manipulates its currency.

Pressing him on the issue, Tapper asked, "What do you say when somebody says why don't you be a leader and make them in Philadelphia? I'd be willing to pay more for this tie..."

In reply, Trump exclaimed, "It's very, very hard to have anything in apparel made in this country." The implication: You just can't find American clothing manufacturers, at any price.

The truth, of course, is that there are plenty of American clothing manufacturers these days. And in many cases, they're not even economically prohibitive.

Take, for example, ties. Tapper encouraged Trump to start up a tie-manufacturing concern in Philadelphia. In reality, Trump wouldn't need to start something from scratch. Nor would he have to go to Philadelphia.

Our Magnificent Bastard ties are made in Queens, New York, which, coincidentally, is also Donald Trump's birthplace.

When we decided we wanted to make ties, we weren't on a quest to find a U.S. production facility or anything like that. We just wanted to find a place that made high-quality ties at prices a small brand like ourselves could afford. And ultimately it wasn't that hard to find such a place — we think we spent a few hours.

No doubt we could find a factory in China or Taiwan that makes ties even cheaper than our supplier does. But the truth is this family-run company in Queens, which has been making ties since 1957, offers very competitive prices. In fact, its prices are so competitive that we are able to offer hand-stitched, natural fabrics ties, including some that come with poetry attached to them, for $60.

If you ask us, that's a bargain.

But as it turns out, Trump's ties are even less expensive — at least at the moment. On Amazon, you can currently get one of his shiny corporate ball-ticklers for $29.99.

That puts us in a place where we're going to have to put our money where our mouth is, so that's what we're doing.

Yes, we're having a sale.

Just to prove that good old American know-how and entrepreneurism can still compete with Chinese tie sweatshops equipped with color-blind slave robots, we are offering the following deal, now through September 1st (or until supplies run out): Two Made in USA ties for $60. 4 for $120. 8 for $240. Shipping included.

With your savings, you could (a) Buy a drink for an illegal immigrant who makes your life better in some way (b) Make a campaign contribution to any other candidate, or (c) Buy more ties from us.

Ultimately, of course, the choice is yours. Just be sure to use the code ANYONEBUTTRUMP when ordering.

Q: Hey MB, if I sent you 60 bucks will you send me a tie to get married in? You can pick. It's my second wedding if that matters. Cheers!
— Derek

A: Ah, passion and optimism in the face of experience and disenchantment! We are great fans of sequel marriages here at MB, and hope yours turns out well.

With its floral motif, we think the Emperor's Tourniquet is the right tie to signal new love in bloom. And if your new bride ends up ripping your heart out, well, you'll have a bandage close at hand. (We make no medical guarantees regarding its efficacy, however.)

In addition, we'd like to send you the Roman Holiday as our gift to you. Or should that be Roamin' Holiday? In our experience, second wives aren't nearly as liberal-minded as third or fourth wives, and we anticipate she'll be expecting total monogamy at least through the first year.

In any case, congratulations to you and your bride! We wish you the best.

Here are the correct answers to the Challenge:

This year there were lots of entries with perfect scores, and unfortunately our tie-breaker question — what do they all have in common? — was too easy and answered correctly by all entries, even by the guy who thought Sinclair Lewis was Garrison Keillor. The answer: They were all born in Minnesota.

This forces us to rely on random.org to select a winner and runner-up, and those titles go to...

Joe Schachtner and Clint Miller.

Joe, enjoy your new pair of Allyn Scura frames. We always recommend the famed Legend, or for a more offbeat look, the Sergio. Both are terrific and consistently draw positive feedback. Alternatively, you can put your $125 credit towards a pair of Allyn Scura's vintage frames, like these Carrera 5595 sunglasses, modeled in a 1986 print ad by Formula 1 racing legend Niki Lauda. It's your choice.

Clint, as the runner-up you get to select a tie from our growing collection. Let us know what strikes your fancy and we'll send one out to you.

Thanks to everyone who played and we'll see you again next year for the 6th-Annual Challenge.

As nice as it once was in Minneapolis, we have to believe it's far nicer right now in Biella, Italy. Or maybe it's just that we're in an Italian state of mind, now that a couple of our new ties are here, in the shop, ready for purchase. To celebrate, we're pouring ourselves a Last Word, heading to Olive Garden for a Never Ending Pasta Bowl®, and putting on "Springtime in Italy," which is what we're calling one of our two new ties featuring fabric from Lancifico Subalpino, our favorite Mediterranean fabric house.

This beautiful specimen is made from a textured lightweight cotton that reads as crisp, alert, and artfully dishevelled. Put it on, and you may sense that your blood alcohol level has magically risen by 0.01 percent. But no higher — this tie makes you feel playful, not sloppy. You'll have trouble staying in the office, but if you duck out, even Shelly in HR will understand. A tie like this is made for striding boldly down springtime streets, not staring at spreadsheets at your standing desk.

NB: "Springtime in Italy" is one of a handful of MB ties available for the runner-up in the 5th Annual Allyn Scura Eyewear Challenge. Take the Challenge now! Deadline to enter is March 31.

Q: It's almost time to pack the corduroys away depending on where you live (sorry New England). So, what would you say are some essentials for spring?
—Jack

A: Just 10 days ago, on the most frigid commute of the entire season, the thought of spring essentials seemed as distant as our final destination. But Jimmy the Carnivorous Groundhog was right, and Insta-Spring — it was 68 yesterday in Minneapolis — now has us consuming the following:

	The Last Word There is no cocktail that personifies and embodies spring more than The Last Word. Equal parts gin, Luxardo maraschino liqueur, Green Chartreuse, and fresh lime juice, one sip of this emerald Prohibition-era tipple immediately conjures thoughts of tournament basketball, The Masters, green grass, and swallows returning to Capistrano. It also serves as an excellent alternative to green beer, the toolbag drink of choice tomorrow.
	White Pants Spring means baseball, and Opening Day is the opening day of the newly-expanded white pant season (more on this later). The Cardinals play at Wrigley in just 20 days. The best place to find something cool, unique, and cheap is YOOX, as usual, and free shipping is now standard. Otherwise Levi Strauss & Co. makes white denim in the 501, 511, 514, and 569.
	Todd Snyder Japanese Indigo Crew Sweatshirt Our favorite purchase of 2015 by a wide margin. Is $275 a lot for a cotton sweatshirt, even if it's made by Canadian factory workers using Japanese indigo? Yes. But while this garment is marked 100 percent cotton, we actually suspect it might be 120 percent cotton, or maybe even 125 percent. It's that soft. Paradoxically, it's also incredibly sturdy. In fact, we're betting its tank-like construction will yield a life expectancy of at least a decade. Amortize its cost over that term and it's actually cheaper than a $15 Old Navy sweatshirt that you will be downgrading to "paint rag" by Independence Day.
	Nylite Chambray in Aurora Red During the chambray boom that happened a few years ago, when folks were making pants, suits, and even a few trendy hotels out of chambray, we did not buy in heavily. Indeed, we think chambray is a little like heroin or Jim Carrey — something to savor in small doses. But when it's used right it can be very effective. Here, for example, a splash of chambray gives these Tretorn Nylites — originally invented in 1964 and typically made out of a canvas — thinking about April matinees at Target Field. So make ours a double! (And be on the lookout for our spring tie line, which will also be using chambray in sparing fashion.)
	Vintage Onion Content Insta-Spring has us recalling one of our favorite Onion pieces, this one from 1996: Area Students Prepare Breasts for Increased Springtime Display. "Female college students from across the northern U.S. celebrated the improved weather this week, preparing their breasts for the increased exposure and display that the warm weather now demands."

Q: I am preparing the groomsmen attire for my upcoming wedding. Naturally, our gentlemen will wear bespoke formalwear, as selected by the bride and I. Thin arched lapel, two button classic style coupled with a tapered, fitted jacket. I call it the Lafontaine. Here’s the kicker: the suits will be black, likely with white shirts (also fitted). In true bastardly fashion, I am considering offering the groomsmen a lasting, memorable gift: a woodworked, Quebec-issued bowtie made of noble wood. Given that I will be wearing a black (silk) bowtie, I'd like to differentiate them with another color. Can the men wear a brown on black style or must it be black on black?

Please advice, O wise Sensei.

Regards,

Louis-Philippe

A: We don't place much stock in the sanctity of marriage, but when it comes to the sanctity of marriage attire, we're strict traditionalists. If things go well — and we sincerely wish you the best — there's a chance your wedding photos will be hanging on your wall for 20, 30, even fifty years. Do you think your groomsmen's prospective wooden bow ties will stand that test of time?

So while your desire to offer your groomsmen a lasting, memorable gift is admirable, we'd like to steer you away from your current choice. You need timeless wedding attire, and that means ties that come from a silkworm's ass, not a tree.

As for a gift for the groomsmen, we recommend an engraved glass cocktail shaker. It's lasting, it's memorable, and if your groomsmen are worthy of being your groomsmen, it's a gift they will use often and appreciatively while getting shitfaced for years to come.

À la tienne!

Earlier:
The Right Cocktail Shaker
The Right Wedding Ring

Okay, this is it — our last deal of 2014. From now until December 19, when you buy a tie or belt, we're throwing in a tin of Alfred Lane solid cologne — the Vanguard scent. Eventually we're going to be selling this in our store for $17.95. But it's Christmas time, we're feeling festive, and so we'll be handing them out for free to anyone who gets a tie, a belt, or oil painting.

Until December 19, that is. Then we're headed to Costa Rica to surf for two weeks, and we won't be back until January 3. (You can order merchandise during this time; we just won't be shipping until January 4.)

Okay, got it? Now, we suppose, it's time to address a question longtime readers may have. "Wait," you're probably saying, if you fit this description. "You guys don't like cologne. Why are you selling it in your store?"

And it's true that while answering a question about Axe, we once exclaimed, "We're not fans of cologne per se." And then followed that up a month later with an even stronger declaration: "Ben, no such thing as a 'hot new fragrance' in our book. We've recently made our case against cologne."

But that was in 2008. We're six years older now, which means we're six years smellier. Someone gave us a tin of Vanguard a while back, and we were pleasantly surprised. Unlike traditional cologne, it's solid, which makes it easy to apply with a (literal) subtle touch. Just a dab on our gullet, and its crisp and manly scent — sort of like a filtered pine forest in which a slightly inebriated Nick Nolte is enjoying a bottle of top-shelf bourbon — neutralizes the faint whiff of impending death that now emanates from our wilting telomeres.

What we're saying is we use the stuff, and like it enough to carry in our store. And if you a buy a tie or belt before December 19, you can make your own assessments, on us. Merry Christmas!

Seriously, you're planning to get up at 5AM to stand in line and then slug it out with a bunch of coupon-clipping housewives over a cut-rate flat-screen? If you lived in the Soviet Union, circa 1975, we could understand such behavior.

But it's 2014. We are blessed to live in a golden era of mindless consumption. We have so much more to be thankful for than crowded parking lots, long lines, and heavy discounts on last year's straight-out-of-Guangdong tablet. We have e-commerce, home delivery, and 100% wool, made-in-New-York ties, for the mindblowing price of $40, shipping including. And if you buy two or more, we'll throw in a complimentary Secret Agent Belt to help you celebrate the bounty of the season. (Just remember to tell us your belt size.) Finally, if you are an elected member of Ukraine's Parliament and can authenticate this fact, we will send you the tie of your choice, for free.

Our Magnificent Bastard Black Tieday Sales Event starts now and lasts through 11:59 PM, Central Time, Sunday evening. At which point it turns into our Magnificent Bastard Tieber Monday Sales Event and continues for another 24 hours. Unless we run out of ties before then, in which case it ends.

So have yourself a leisurely Thanksgiving. Sleep in on Friday. Get up when you want, check in here, gather your loved ones and friends around your laptop hearth, click a few buttons, and just like that, experience all the magic of America's most sacred and beloved holiday, Black Friday, with absolutely none of the hassle.

And just because Black Friday is an American holiday, this doesn't mean that only Americans and Ukrainian officials can participate in our Sales Event. If you live outside the U.S., are not a member of Ukraine's Parliament, and still want to buy a tie for $40, just send a note to us at shop@magnificentbastard.com. Tell us what items you want, and we'll let you know how much the shipping will cost, how you can pay, etc.

In the end, as Black Friday approaches, it's easy to get caught up in the frenzy of the holiday and lose sight of its true meaning and value. So we'd like to take a moment to reflect on that. At its heart, Black Friday is a celebration of abundance, convenience, and the enduring meaning and connectedness we all derive from retail transactions involving cherished consumer goods. We are honored to do business with you, and hope you feel the same.

As a young, London-trained barrister, Mahatma Gandhi wore traditional business attire and pulled it off with aplomb. But it wasn't until he shed his suit and tie in favor of simple hand-spun sheet of locally produced cloth — aka khadi — that he emerged as a world-changing force. While rulers and revolutionaries alike typically signal their power and/or aspirations to power through crowns, brocade, epaulettes, sashes, and other ostensibly dazzling sartorial semaphores, Gandhi went in the complete opposite direction. His entire wardrobe appeared to consist of a bedsheet.

But if clothes make the man, it's also true, though much rarer, that the man can sometimes make the clothes. Gandhi donned a simple sheet and established himself as an icon of understated but indomitable will. His message was so true, and his convictions so strong, that he didn't need to clothe them in anything more elaborate than plain white cloth.

Now let us be clear here. We're not saying everyone — or really even anyone — should dress like Gandhi. If we said that, we'd never sell another belt or tie. But talk about artful dishevelment! Talk about not trying too hard! While Gandhi's wardrobe lacked variety, it had style to spare. And that's why, today, on Gandhi's birthday, we are breaking out the Bulleit and the Laphroaig and toasting the father of an independent India — and the father of business casual. Before Hef went to work in a bathrobe, before Steve Jobs prowled the hallways of Atari in bare feet, before Mark Zuckerberg taught mankind to share everything in a hoodie, there was Gandhi, showing the world you don't always need a power tie to be powerful. Our glasses are raised in his honor.

With the exception of his odd — and thankfully short — facial hair experiment earlier this year, White House press secretary Jay Carney has been a model of McDonald's-like consistency for nearly 3.5 years and 1,000 or so press conferences: the same Type A bedhead, the same equivocation and obfuscation, and the same structurally entrenched shirt and tie knot inequality.

If you insist on artificially boosting your jowl optics by wearing a spread collar, at least have the sense to tie a Windsor knot.

While Carney replacement Josh Earnest has a look that calmly proclaims "I'm the number 2 producer in the Topeka field office.," at least he understands the geometric benefits of point collars and proper knot pairings.

Earlier:

The only guys who should wear spread collars are Adrien Brody and the guy from Edvard Munch's The Scream

Visual proof: spread collars make your face and neck fatter

Q: Hey guys, was wondering if there's a new tie stock coming to the shop? Something for the in-coming wedding season.

Also Allen Edmonds is now offering made-to-order golf-soles on some of their shoes if you wanted a golfing McAllister. Thanks.
—D. Holden

A: While our design and procurement processes remain somewhat "artisinal" — i.e., we are still a little too apt to negotiate with Shengzen factory reps when we've spent the afternoon testing Pourcast — we are slowly mastering the dark arts of product development and do indeed have some new things on the way. Including a tie that we believe will work well at weddings, bar mitzvahs, and funerals of those you loved very, very dearly. However, because of the artwork that will be featured on this tie's tipping — see image — we don't recommend wearing it if you're the groom. (Why start your honeymoon with a jealous wife?)

These ties will feature a bold heart-to-sword regimental stripe and are made of raw silk — perfect for spring, summer, and temperate climates throughout the year. The prototypes are done, so they should be in stock within a matter of weeks. Check back often.

Now, on to the golfing McAllisters. If we were stuck in jury duty in a courtroom with enough room to practice our chipping, we would definitely consider these. They are a handsome shoe — but given that we we find ourselves wearing sneakerized footwear even in places where we might have worn lace-up oxford dress shoes (court appearances, board meetings, IRS audits), we can't really imagine wearing lace-up oxfords on fairways, even if they have the sole for it.

Our current favorite golf shoes are these Puma Clydes, which deliver sporty style but maintain a comfortable distance from Ricky Fowler territory. We recommend them in Castlerock. But at the prices you can currently get them at Amazon — approximately $30 to $45 a pair, depending on color and size — you can buy a different color for every day of the week and still spend less than you would on a single pair of the the McAllisters.

Related: Top 7 Ways to Golf Like a Total Toolbag

Q: Where is the best place to get a men's suit? Budget is 1K max.
—Jessica

A: As longtime readers know, our favorite place for suit shopping is yoox.com, a Milan-based e-commerce site. Three days ago, The Telegraph called it "the Amazon of the fashion world."

At Yoox, you will find loads of stylish, Italian-made suits for as cheap as a couple hundred bucks. And here's the best part: the site's vast selection and 100-country reach means that your guy will be the only man within his zip code — or maybe even his time zone — wearing whatever suit you choose.

This is in stark contrast to what we perceive as the Ludlowization of the young, upwardly mobile professional suit market — named after J.Crew's increasingly ubiquitous invasive species. The popularity of the Ludlow eludes us. Why spend $700 on a made-in-China suit with prop buttons and anemic lapels when you can buy Prada, Piombo, or Martin Margiela for less? Pick up one of these, and you'll have more than enough left over to add a tie from our store to your shopping list.

The Leotardo we sent acting Ukrainian President Oleksandr Turchynov has apparently not been able to break through the Toolbag Curtain.

In solidarity with besieged Ukrainian troops in Crimea, Turchynov is wearing his own uniform, The Michael Lohan, which consists of a black mockneck under a blazer. While we believe that this no way to run a country, we continue to support President Turchynov in his effort to maintain Ukrainian independence in the face of increasing Russian aggression.

We freely admit our knowledge of global affairs is limited. But Ukraine has us especially baffled. Based on this photo of Acting President Oleksandr Turchynov, Ukraine's Parliament appears to have a two-drink minimum. But no dress code?

As longtime champions of business casual, we love that tall tumbler of what we're interpreting as bourbon on the new Acting President's desk. But isn't there some provision in the Geneva Convention that says that when you're the leader of an entire country, you have to wear a tie to work?

Obviously, Mr Turchynov has a lot of things on his plate right now, and shopping for ties is not one of them. Which is why we're reaching out, in a gesture of global goodwill, and sending him a complimentary wool tie.

As the photos above document, a Leotardo is now on its way to Kiev.

Q: Hey MB! I'm going to buy your Buscemi tie tomorrow and wanted some simple advice. I was going to buy a shirt from Deo Veritas but was unsure what would go with that specific tie? I've been a longtime fan and always practice MB principles.

Thank you in advance,
—Jason

A: Much more so than our other ties, the Buscemi is a statement piece. Given the principle that the number of statement pieces per outfit should always be less-than or equal-to 1, the rest of your look should be quiet, a canvas on which the Buscemi's off-kilter charisma can shine.

In other words, we recommend it on a solid. But not just any solid. You want a distinctive play on texture here, pitting the yin of the tie's nubs against the yang of smooth, tightly-woven shirting. This leads us directly to the Thomas Mason broadcloths in white, baby blue, or light pink.

Be sure to opt for the sewn collar and mother of pearl buttons. It will add up to a fairly hefty $139, but it's 25% off through Feb. 28.

And take note re: the Buscemi. While we're having reinforcements made, there are just a few left from our initial production run. If you want to avoid delays, order it sooner rather than later.

As our archives can tell you, we don't necessarily think bow ties should be illegal or even heavily regulated. But we do think you should wear them only in certain situations, namely summer weddings and black tie.

That said, we love this beaver fur bow tie from Vanities. In general, bow ties aim to convey the wearer's unique sense of style in a playful, unexpected, and attention-getting way, usually by using bright colors and/or vivid patterns. This fur bow tie, however, is simultaneously over-the-top and engagingly understated.

Also, as we have counseled in the past, artful dishevelment is a must when it comes to bow ties. And this one has the artful dishevelment built right in.

Even on sale at Barney's Warehouse, it's a little pricey. But don't think of it as a $169 bow tie. Think of it as the only bow tie in the world that can credibly double as a luxury shaving brush.

EARLIER:
Ask the MB: Bow Ties Again
Ask the MB: Bow Ties
How To Tie a Bow Tie

If there's one hard and fast rule that defines the menswear industry, it's this: What starts on the streets of Pulaski eventually trickles up to the runways of Manhattan. And so it was at New York Fashion Week this year — where we spotted a Michael Bastian tie (and blazer) that is not-quite the identical twin of our beloved Buscemi, but certainly a brother from the same mother. Same pattern, same nubbiness, from the same mill in Biella, Italy. The colorway we chose has a bit more blue, which gives it that playfulness that makes it work on boardwalks as well as boardrooms.

Also, our model is better looking.

In any case, if it was ever in any doubt, it is now confirmed: Michael Bastian has great taste in ties. And he seems to have fallen in love with this particular fabric — using it for a bow tie as well as the aforementioned tie and blazer.

But if you don't want to wait until Fall 2014 to get his tie, you can get the Fall 2013 Buscemi now.

And because we know Mr. Bastian has had trouble affording his own clothes in the past, we've decided to make it easy for him — and anyone else — to pick one up. Starting now, the Buscemi, the Leotardo (whose fabric comes from the same Italian mill as the Buscemi), the Kakutani, and the Buckley, are all on sale, for just $45 each. Yes, with free shipping included, this almost qualifies as a humanitarian gesture. But what can we say? We're artists, not businessmen.

Q: Before you went Eat, Pray, Love you used to rail against the skinny tie. Like RAIL against it. Now you've come back and opened a store that sells only skinny ties. Do you find this at all ironic?
—Andrew

A: Your note made us smile gently. Yes, partially because we've been project-vomiting gratitude out of our heart-holes ever since we returned from our extended Eat, Pray, Love sabbatical. But also because we took your conclusions about our store as strong evidence that you've been drinking Magnificent Bastards in unrestrained fashion.

We suppose if you strapped our Adam Smith cashmere belts around your neck (pictured in Chocolate Sandwich Cookie), they might qualify as skinny ties. We don't advise that.

Meanwhile, Joseph Kandell, Dan Feinbaum, and Steve Price used to be skinny ties. But they're no more skinny ties now than Mike Ditka's a football coach or Jon Gosselin's a TV star. They've moved on and have entirely new jobs. Like millions of folks in a rapidly shifting economy, they've made a strategic career pivot, acquired new skills and new training, updated their LinkedIn profiles, and now make their living as belts.

Finally, there are our actual ties. All of them are exactly 3 1/8 inches wide at their widest point. Perfect now, perfect forever. Only a Jezebel columnist determined to shift body size norms would think to call that skinny. Or possibly someone who has just enjoyed a half dozen or so MBs.

Also: We still don't like skinny ties. But we thought of a compassionate way to eradicate them from America. Stay tuned for more on this soon.

Some friends and I were drinking some Magnificent Bastards and talking football and, naturally, Shannon Sharpe's dress attire on CBS's pregame show came up. My buddies think he dresses like a clown. I think he dresses with balls and style. Real sharp, as it were. What does the MB say?
—Evan

"Balls and Style." Sounds like a good name for a men's style site and corresponding e-commerce shop. Er, nevermind.

We can see where your buddies are coming from with the clown comments. Unfortunately, sometimes Sharpe wears wide, floppy, too-neatly-tied bow ties that definitely evoke thoughts of men in makeup who accessorize with squirting flower boutonnières. Take Saturday, for example (left).

But we agree with you, Evan. Sharpe is great at bold pattern matching and texture combinations. Everything fits perfectly. His lapels are just the right width and echo that of his ties. His knots are almost always appropriate for the collar shape. He often wears gingham and textured ties, both MB favorites (see Sunday; right).

And while we usually need to turn down the volume when he's making a point, he's a pretty good analyst, too.

Earlier: Ask the MB: Who can pull off a bow tie?

Tie Promotion Update II
The updated contest is live. Answer a simple 5-question quiz and enter to win a free custom shirt from Deo Veritas.

Tie Promotion Update I
Whoops! We may have downed one too many Polar Vortexes while concocting our latest promotion involving ties and shirts. Our legal counsel has advised us that our original offer, as described, was "open to unkind interpretation" by various government agencies. So we're putting that promotion on ice and coming up with something new. Check back in later this week for a new contest where you'll have a chance to win a custom shirt from Deo Veritas.

Q: I think the Kakutani is calling my name. But I've got a problem. I like spread collars, and I know your stance on them. Is it possible you've made the Kakutani so magnificent it works with spread collars even if I'm not Adrian Brody or that dude in The Scream?
—Alex

A: We want the world to wear our ties. In fact, we might even sell one to Donald Trump if he asked nicely. And given how acquainted you are with our back catalog, we'd like to do right by you and tell you, sure, go ahead and wear the Kakutani with a spread collar.

Unfortunately, we can't do that. Yes, it is such a good-looking tie that you and many others might be tempted to wear it with a spread collar just show off as much of its fabric as possible. Resist that urge!

Granted, this is not as clear-cut as a Müller-Lyer illusion, but look at these illustrations from Esquire. B's neck and face look thicker and wider than A's, and yet the neck and face (and tie) are exactly the same in each drawing. Only the collar in B is different.

Conclusion: Spread collars instantly fatten your face and neck. And we can't let you do that to yourself, even if it means missing out on a sale. We will not sell you a Kakutani if you're planning to wear it with a spread collar.

Earlier: The Guy from Edvard Munch's The Scream should wear a spread collar.

JFK was known for his sporty, casual look. And yet even he knew that when it comes to style, there is a time and place for everything. And that on Christmas morning, when you're under the tree with your loved ones, in the cozy and secure heart of your home, celebrating the birth of baby Jesus, the bonds of family, and the virtues of faith, love, compassion, and gratitude, it's time for a tie.

Order one of ours by Friday, and we'll make sure both you and your tree are properly attired Christmas morning because each order comes with a complimentary non-denominational winter tree accessory. As always, the shipping's on us. Merry Christmas!

Last time we saw Philip Rivers in a bolo tie — with a button down, no less — his Chargers upset the Chiefs on the road. Last night he pulled out a turquoise arrowhead version and helped pull the upset of the Toner Cartridge Salesman-led Broncos in Denver.

It's Week 2 of Monday Morning Quarterback, a feature that combines our love of chronic traumatic encephalopathy-inducing bloodsport (aka, the NFL) with our passion for style.

Each week we break down the postgame press conference film and pick the best and worst-performing quarterbacks from around the league. We take their actual Passer Rating, multiply it by the proprietary Magnificent Bastard Dresser Rating, to arrive at their Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating.

Perhaps due to bad weather at many NFL stadiums, this week there was only bad quarterbacking behind the podium.

	Eli Manning PR: 72.3 DR: 35.6 TMBQBR: 25.7 That collar is about to engulf Eli's face like a stunting defensive end, and the problem is magnified by the tiny, out-of-proportion knot that looks like it's suffering from a groin injury. While he shrares the Toner Cartridge Salesman look of his older brother, at least Peyton generally gets the proportions right. Earlier: Peyton Manning, Toner Cartridge Salesman
	Matt Cassell Passer Rating: 86.0 Dresser Rating: 29.0 Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating: 24.9 Four years as Tom Brady's backup in New England, and the man apparently only learned how to read coverages, not collars. Cassell's collar is so horizontal it has less of an angle than the earth's horizon. His jacket gape is big enough for Adrian Peterson to run through. And we fear some eight-year-old fan is searching for his prized beanie right now. For all this, Cassell is this week's winner of the Most Ridiculous Postgame Presser Outfit award. Earlier: The Incredible Shrinking Collar
	Philip Rivers PR: 137.4 DR: 17.3 TMBQBR: 23.8 After just two weeks doing Monday Morning Quaterback, we have our first record: Most Consecutive Weeks Wearing a Plaid Shirt That Looks Like It Came From Blouse Barn. If Philip Rivers' quarterbacking was this consistent, the Chargers could get into the playoffs. Earlier: Philip Rivers' Ugly Week 13 Shirt
	Mike Glennon PR: 40.4 MBR: 45.3 TMBQBR: 18.3 It looks like Shaggy has added a razor to his post-game plan. We like his committment to mastering the fundamentals. Next step: Retaining the services of a tailor. That's the same ill-fitting jacket he had on last week, and he's getting the same bad results: a pronounced gape on his throwing shoulder. Once he masters that, we'll start working on his tie-reading skills. Earlier: Mike Glennon Should Watch Namath Postgame Film
	Andrew Luck PR: 113.1 DR: 5.5 TMBQBR: 6.2 Last week, blitzing reporters caught Andrew Luck by complete surprise. This week, he once again shows poor post-game clock management. But at least it looks like he's thinking about taking a shower. Earlier: Andrew Luck Sacked by Blitzing Reporters

Eighty years ago today, America ended its disastrous bout of enforced sobriety and made it legal to get shitfaced in public with strangers again. Prosperity followed.

In honor of Repeal Day, we opened a fresh bottle of Bulleit and starting drinking MBs. By the third round, we figured we should spread the Christmas cheer and have a contest. Here’s how it works.

Go to our Twitter feed — @magbas — and retweet our tweet about drinking MBs on Repeal Day.

Then fire off an email to shop@magnificentbastard.com with your address, and one of our offshore customer service elves will send you one of our Made in USA Disposable Letterpress Beverage Shields. You’ll be automatically entered in a drawing for a free tie from our new shop.

The contest is in effect until 3PM, Friday December 6, Central Time. At that point, we’ll pick a winner from one of the qualifying entries, and one lucky winner will get his or her choice of tie.

Prost!

Combining our love of chronic traumatic encephalopathy-inducing bloodsport (aka, the NFL) with our passion for style, we present the first in a regular series.

Each week we break down the postgame press conference film and pick the best and worst-performing quarterbacks from around the league. We take their actual Passer Rating, multiply it by the proprietary Magnificent Bastard Dresser Rating, to arrive at their Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating.

	Carson Palmer Passer Rating: 85.6 Dresser Rating: 158.3 (highest rating possible) Total Magnificent Bastard Quarterback Rating: 134.6 NFL quarterback or professor at University of Phoenix (if they had professors)? Palmer is the MB Player of the Week thanks to his unstructured, heartily-lapeled corduroy blazer and studied artful dishevelment. This is how we dress. EARLIER: Tom Ford on the Great Lapel Width Debate
	Tom Brady PR: 104.8 DR: 120.5 TMBQBR: 126.3 Tie width perfectly echos the jacket's lapels. Nicely dimpled four-in-hand knot askew 10°. "90°" collar (more on this later). He's tough to beat, but Palmer edged him out yesterday. EARLIER: Tom Ford on the Great Tie Width Debate
	Ryan Fitzpatrick PR: 47.2 DR: 98.3 TMBQBR: 46.4 We admire Fitzpatrick because he was doing the lumberjack, er, lumberback for years before the look was in vogue. And because he recorded the highest-ever Wonderlic score by a quarterback. Yet he shows the pitfalls involved in wearing a machine-washed fused-collar shirt, and his lapels need to hit the weight room.
	Peyton Manning PR: 118.2 DR: 35.6 TMBQBR: 42.1 Currently a pitchman for middlebrow brands Buick and Papa John's, with this dated, generic, and ill-fitting look we see Men's Wearhouse in Manning's endorsement future.
	Mike Glennon PR: 73.5 DR: 25.6 TMBQBR: 18.8 Who put Shaggy in a suit? MB coaching tip: If you bear a striking resemblance to a 1970s cartoon character, avoid Peyton Manning's "Toner Cartridge Sales Rep" look and go for a post-game look with a little more grooviness, like this.
	Philip Rivers PR: 80.0 DR: 21.3 TMBQBR: 17.0 After last week's 127.3 rating and a ridiculously great Western costume including bolo tie, Rivers follows it up with this blousey pastel, logoed plaid. His attire is as inconistent as his play.
	Andrew Luck PR: 59.4 DR: 0.0 TMBQBR: 0.0 A rattled-looking Andrew Luck is caught off-guard by blitzing reporters. If you can't even manage to shower before the press shows up, you are not managing the fifth quarter game-clock well.

Q: Urgent: funeral. Black suit of course but black tie as well?
—Cristian

A: It is a good choice.