Ringgate

Yes Barack Obama still wears that ridiculous wife-beater beneath a dress shirt. And a flag pin. And yes his ties have recently grown so comically long we fear a Trump tie label may be on the verge of grabbing the President's nutsack. But we're encouraged — and also intrigued — by Obama's regular removal of his wedding ring.

Lately whenever he's about to meet crowds or on the stump, he pockets it.

Speculation has been running high about why Obama does, and the leading theory — that he does it to protect the ring from would-be thieves — makes no sense at all. First, he shakes hands with his right hand, not his left. Second, there's a reason you've heard of "pickpockets" but not "pickfingers" — it's much easier to lift a ring from the former rather than the latter.

But the notion that Obama has big plans for his First 100 Days out of office doesn't wash either. Even armed with those Trumpian ties and some Tic Tacs^®, we just don't see him stepping out on Michelle any time soon. Which, as faithful readers have already no doubt deduced, leaves only one plausible explanation: The lame duck leader of the free world is finally adopting at least one Magnificent Bastard principle.