Ask the MB: Love Letters
--Matt
Ed. note: We've spent the past 18 months searching the bars of Pulaski looking for the Spectacular Bitch, from Quit-N-Time to T'bombs to Party Marty's. It took a little longer than we thought but we finally found her at Zielinski's. While we get her site ready, she'll be answering questions now and then in this space.
A: Dearest Matt, your instincts are good, but proceed with caution. I once ended a relationship with a man because he included the words "the pitter patter of raindrops" in a letter he posted from Sevilla. Bear in mind, should things ever go south with your lady love, a physical letter can and will be subjected to all manner of ignominy -- burning, shredding, crumpling, soaking, and brutal mockery, possibly at the hands of multiple girlfriends over bottles of wine. On the other hand, a letter can be clutched to her chest, tucked in a favorite book, sniffed, caressed, and re-read as no email could ever hope to be. Perhaps putting a pen to paper is trying too hard, but true blue Spectacular Bitches don't come easy.
Because I like you, Matt, a couple pointers:
1. Know thyself: If you are a clever writer and can guarantee that there will be no grammatical errors, proceed to the next pointer. I once ended a relationship with a man because of his dangling participles.
2. Know thy audience: Make sure you never put in writing something you wouldn't be able to say face-to-face after a few drinks. You don't want to freak her out.
3. Be brief.
4. Use proper stationery and a good pen. Don't be sloppy, but don't try to get creative either. I once ended a relationship with a man because he wrote to me on a piece of birch bark. And another because he wrote to me on a scroll. Plain correspondence cards of good stock are lovely, if you ask me.
5. Speak your truth but remember, leave the poetry to the poets.
Bonne chance, my pet. And be sure to let me know how the lucky lady responds.
SB
